IAmFCA Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I'm not ready to break up yet but if I get there I will reread your response so I am not abrasive. Thanks. I don't envy you. Sorry. As you process everything, be clear that its about compatibility, and not about his words and actions. He could be anything, a homeless herioin junkie, for example. You don't have to choose it.
Applewhite Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Ok so more little annoyances on my end that now I'm just silently observing. We seem to be talking about buying a home in the future since that would be the only way we can live together (nearly no rentals will accept his breed dog, rental market rough here) But basically as things stand now I will be doing the "buying" and he will be doing the "living in" . Hopefully this isn't the picture in his mind. It certainly isn't the picture in mine. Today he offered to clear snow off my car. When I said I want him to but I feel bad I should probably do it myself he then said something about me having a problem about depending on him. I then handed him the brush for the car and he laughed and said he was asking g to be polite, he didn't mean it, it'll melt by tomorrow anyway. Last time it snowed even more he didn't even ask. Not that I expect him to but it would have been nice if he asked. So I'm the gf buying homes for "us" and he's the bf offering to clear off snow but not meaning it? No way Jose. On one hand the fact that I'm noticing these little annoyances makes me think I'm fairly out of love, on the other there's so much about him that just seems great. Common now, lay it on me y'all.
notalady Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I wouldn't buy a house with someone I'm not married to. I would also not let someone just "live in" with me in a house I bought myself, while he has no skin in the game, yea na...
Applewhite Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 I wouldn't buy a house with someone I'm not married to. I would also not let someone just "live in" with me in a house I bought myself, while he has no skin in the game, yea na... I wouldn't either. I also wouldn't marry someone who doesn't have a job.
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 Sat morning says he's hungry so I get breakfast for both of us. Sunday comes over - I have to cook for the week, and therefore he goes to get just himself food. Does not ask if I'm hungry or anything. Does not feel like an equal relationship.
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 There was one more time something similar but more awkward happened. Granted this time I do think he mostly misunderstood that I was cooking to eat right now but still... I'm just slowly really checking out because if these small things.
mustlovedogs Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Just my two cents. I wouldn't offer to get someone food if they were cooking. It seems like a silly question. That being said - I get what you're saying. I don't think it would be much of an issue, though, if you weren't checking out already. I think that says everything.
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 I was cooking lentils in a pressure cooker. That he couldn't realize that they would cook for an hour+ is just strange to me. But regardless I realized when he said he's getting food I felt uncomfortable saying get me some too. He hasn't found a job yet.
mustlovedogs Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I honestly have never used a pressure cooker or cooked lentils so I wouldn't know either. You could've said "hey! Let me get my wallet. I would love a [blank]. Will $10 cover it?"
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 I honestly have never used a pressure cooker or cooked lentils so I wouldn't know either. You could've said "hey! Let me get my wallet. I would love a [blank]. Will $10 cover it?" Yes maybe that's what I should've done. IDK. Maybe my real problem.is that he isn't getting a job and I don't know how to communicate that if this continues I can't be in this relationship
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 But also I don't normally carry any cash (I pay for everything via card) so I didn't even think of that, I didn't think I had any on me. And I thought we'd eat something together is read of ordering separate things.
Fudgie Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 It does sound like you struggle to communicate directly. Why is that? You two have been together over 6 months, right? Almost a year? And you still can't say "hey, while you're out, please pick me up a bite? Thanks honey" and vice versa?
Applewhite Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 It does sound like you struggle to communicate directly. Why is that? You two have been together over 6 months, right? Almost a year? And you still can't say "hey, while you're out, please pick me up a bite? Thanks honey" and vice versa? You are right but I don't know the answer. Abusive childhood may be related to it. I was scared to ask to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water growing up.
Applewhite Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Maybe I overreacted about the food thing. I had some food and I'm less hungry and more calm now. Today he made some comment about getting his life in order. I haven't talked to him about the job thing yet, I am afraid of stressing him out. Based on that comment hopefully he's all over this already. A couple of days ago I saw a house that looked so amazing for the price. It was some 1+hrs north of the city. Co MN pared to homes same price range here it was so classy, so finished, it was perfect. But I'd need a new job to move there and I can't move on my own just for a house. it was so pretty.... Sigh
Applewhite Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 On one hand I still have delusions of somehow building a life with him on the other hand many small things GS have started bothering me. Like does he really have to keep moving the backrests on my couch every time he's here and make a mess? He also stands up in the couch - why would an adult do that on furniture that could break? I also dislike how he expects me to sleep over but he won't because he wants to play video games before bed and can't leave his dog for 8 hrs overnight...
Applewhite Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 Can the dog stay at your place? It would be difficult, he's a large dog. Also not super well trained and if he was here I can see him getting nervous and chewing on my furniture etc. But really the dog is his excuse. He's just lazy and wants me to do all the compromising even though I'm the only one that has to go to work right now. I'm really starting to resent our status quo.
mustlovedogs Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 The dog is a perfectly reasonable reason to not stay at your place. If I had a dog (contrary to my name, I don't have one) I would expect to either bring my dog over or stay home with it at night. And I think that's a normal expectation.
Applewhite Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 The thing is he's home with the dog all day. So leaving the dog home (and there are other people in the home mind you) alone 8 hours overnight once a week or once a month that shouldn't be that huge a deal. And I bet he'd be even more resistant to bringing his dog if I offered that.
mustlovedogs Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 His roommates don't own the dog. The dog isn't their responsibility. What would make you happier - him employed or him staying the night? By your logic, they are mutually exclusive. I feel so much judgement from you on his situation. It's easy to say from an outside perspective (and just from words on a board) but this has seemed destined for failure for a few months now. You're so resentful - why are you holding on? Side note. If a SO told me to pick between them and a pet, the pet would win. Every. Single. Time.
Applewhite Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 Honestly if I really thought his reasoning was the dog I wouldn't hold this much resentment. I think it's videogames. So it's me back videogames. And these aren't random roommates it's his dad and Grandpa. It would make me happier if he was employed so I eventually see light for a future together. Without that it's becoming increasingly impossible to see a future where we can afford things together, a place large enough for all of us for example.
Applewhite Posted March 24, 2017 Author Posted March 24, 2017 I am so upset. But it is just such an intense and embarrassing feeling that I don't even know if I can write it here. I have such a negative flood of emotions right now. It's also part my fault. But better to know than not know. I think I will need to end this but I can't come to grips with it. 8 months, wasted.
Fudgie Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 What happened? What's going on? You can take here. It's okay.
Applewhite Posted March 24, 2017 Author Posted March 24, 2017 What happened? What's going on? You can take here. It's okay. I am so immensely upset that my head is spinning and causing a headache. It's so bad. With the things I found out - and combining that with what I already know - I don't see how I could continue. But I've always had problems letting go too - and this is no exception. He left his computer here so I looked. Maybe at this point I am just looking for excuses to justify - or rather *convince* myself to let go. There I see some photos he saved from dating profiles AFTER we said we would stop going on dating profiles. WORSE than that - a lot of teen porn. Many of girls that seem younger than 18 for sure - like early teens. That combined with all the problems we have had in the bedroom starts forming the puzzle I guess. At this point I can't help but wonder if he "loves" me because I would provide a stable income and company for his loneliness rather than wanting me. And I can't live wondering that about my partner.
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