An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Batya33]

That is really funny that he thinks that being a full-time parent is not a job. Just consider how much a year of 24/7 childcare would cost -just for one child let alone more than one child. And even funnier that he said that and is not even sure he wants a child. I would not listen to or focus on nonsensical comments about pot and "stay at home" alternatives he muses about. Watch his actions. Without commenting. When I did my job search I was working as a full time parent and that job search often took hours a day and in the case of finding my current part time job the better part of 2 weeks of completing all the extensive applications and forms. He's not looking for a job in any serious way if he's not devoting a good chunk of his day to his search and a good chunk of his time evenings/weekends attending professional/networking events. Gambling/trading is ok to an extent as long as it doesn't get problematic.

 

Whether he has a job now is none of your business. It's only your business to the extent that you decide that it's been so long that you two no longer have enough in common to continue as a couple. Then it's still not your business -you simply voice your concerns in a "one more chance" kind of way and then be prepared to walk.

[Applewhite]

That is really funny that he thinks that being a full-time parent is not a job. Just consider how much a year of 24/7 childcare would cost -just for one child let alone more than one child. And even funnier that he said that and is not even sure he wants a child. I would not listen to or focus on nonsensical comments about pot and "stay at home" alternatives he muses about. Watch his actions. Without commenting. When I did my job search I was working as a full time parent and that job search often took hours a day and in the case of finding my current part time job the better part of 2 weeks of completing all the extensive applications and forms. He's not looking for a job in any serious way if he's not devoting a good chunk of his day to his search and a good chunk of his time evenings/weekends attending professional/networking events. Gambling/trading is ok to an extent as long as it doesn't get problematic.

 

Whether he has a job now is none of your business. It's only your business to the extent that you decide that it's been so long that you two no longer have enough in common to continue as a couple. Then it's still not your business -you simply voice your concerns in a "one more chance" kind of way and then be prepared to walk.

 

I'm not concerned that he does not have a job right now. In fact I supported his decision to quit as he was working 70-80 hours a week at physical job for a guy who was taking advantage of him. My concern is that he has some idea in his head that it is at all feasible to live on my income while he watches video games and smokes pot /gambles all day. If that is the life he has planned for us it ain't flying is all.

 

Let's hope that is not the case here. But I have to prepare myself emotionally and mentally that it could be. That outcome will be really hard for me because I rarely find someone I am attracted to.

[IAmFCA]

I found him a good paying job that he shot down.

 

I thought when he shared his insecurity I could reassure him but in this situation I want to be careful what I say.

 

This is what scared me. It is less rhe fact of him being unemployed. It is the attitude he has about his prospects, making fantasy ideas that are beyond his reach, and rejecting or deflecting any kind of support you offer. These all are avoidance techniques.

 

OP, some people do not choose happiness the way we expect. They are more comfortable being down, being a victim of circumstances, keeping people close by being the needy sad sack.

 

He is drafting off of you. You are letting it happen. Why?

 

My recommendation is to end the relationship. However, you are not ready to do that. Therefore, I suggest this: do not fix him. Do not cheer him up. Do not take responsibility for making him happy in any way. Instead, be you. Be happy, pursue your interests, include him as you wish, include your friends sometimes instead. Make sure you are investing in your own broad based support system. Be true to yourself. Then see how he feels as a partner.

 

Face your fear of letting him go, or else accept that your fear of being alone is bigger than your desire to have a fun and fulfilling relationship.

 

What do you want?

[Applewhite]

This is what scared me. It is less rhe fact of him being unemployed. It is the attitude he has about his prospects, making fantasy ideas that are beyond his reach, and rejecting or deflecting any kind of support you offer. These all are avoidance techniques.

 

OP, some people do not choose happiness the way we expect. They are more comfortable being down, being a victim of circumstances, keeping people close by being the needy sad sack.

 

He is drafting off of you. You are letting it happen. Why?

 

My recommendation is to end the relationship. However, you are not ready to do that. Therefore, I suggest this: do not fix him. Do not cheer him up. Do not take responsibility for making him happy in any way. Instead, be you. Be happy, pursue your interests, include him as you wish, include your friends sometimes instead. Make sure you are investing in your own broad based support system. Be true to yourself. Then see how he feels as a partner.

 

Face your fear of letting him go, or else accept that your fear of being alone is bigger than your desire to have a fun and fulfilling relationship.

 

What do you want?

 

I agree with your comments that he has unrealistic ideas in his head. Some months ago he was talking about starting a business with the money he has (but here was no business idea at all).

 

But to drop him right now (based on what?) I don't get that part.

 

For all we know he could find a steady job in a month's time and we could spend the rest of our lives together happy...

 

I think it's too soon to make any definitive decisions either way.

 

I just need to watch, observe, continuously evaluate and be prepared to go either direction.

[Batya33]

It's not about whether he finds a job in a month. It's his work ethic and his attitude about working, his decision to act like a teenager, playing video games, smoking pot and vegging on your couch watching TV -the cumulative effect of that. The writing is on the wall about his values and standards. Sure he could change - but change like that is slow and requires 100% motivation and enthusiasm on his part.

 

You seem to be very focused on his physical features and your physical/sexual attraction to him. Will that be enough for you to carry the day when you have reality in front of you - when you work your tail off all day and you come home to a sink full of dirty dishes and his eyes glazed over from pot/video games/gambling away your money? Yes, even if he gets some sort of job. Are you ok with him flushing his (your) savings down the toilet to follow up on some half thought out or less business idea? This is who he is. Will his handsome face and your lust for him carry the day? The answer might be yes -and that's fine. But then stop expecting him to be more than a handsome face/hot body.

[Applewhite]

Like I said not long ago he was working 70-80 hours a week. And like I've already mentioned in this thread my attraction for him is not only physical.

 

I don't think it is helpful when we push reality to the extreme to make an argument one way or another.

[Batya33]

Like I said not long ago he was working 70-80 hours a week. And like I've already mentioned in this thread my attraction for him is not only physical.

 

I don't think it is helpful when we push reality to the extreme to make an argument one way or another.

 

Yes, I agree that is what you are doing or at least evading reality.

[Sportster2005]

I'm not concerned that he does not have a job right now. In fact I supported his decision to quit as he was working 70-80 hours a week at physical job for a guy who was taking advantage of him. My concern is that he has some idea in his head that it is at all feasible to live on my income while he watches video games and smokes pot /gambles all day. If that is the life he has planned for us it ain't flying is all.

 

Let's hope that is not the case here. But I have to prepare myself emotionally and mentally that it could be. That outcome will be really hard for me because I rarely find someone I am attracted to.

 

It is rare for most people. Leaving someone we want is never easy. But we do, we have to. Our long term health depends on us to be able to make hard decisions.

 

If this guy changes and things work out you've beaten some spectacular odds. I would bet against. Gambling, pot and video games. Really? Raise your standards.

[Batya33]

Maybe the pot smoking is affecting his sex drive, combined with a sedentary lifestyle.

[Applewhite]

Maybe it is, I've thought of that. But he does work out and between the two of us I'd say he is more fit. But yes video games and pot without work or social interaction is an incompatibility. I agree with that.

 

However it is also an incompatibility with what *he* wants. He wants to be successful, he wants a house etc. Remember that was what he revealed his insecurity was.

 

So the very least I can do is support him (though I'm not sure how to go about it yet) and give him some time since he quit his job somewhat recently.

 

This is still a period of evaluating each other.

[Applewhite]

Also the sex is back to about twice a week since I'm no longer sick. That's not that bad... Especially since we don't even live together and I work long hours

 

 

Let's see if it sticks though

[Batya33]

Maybe it is, I've thought of that. But he does work out and between the two of us I'd say he is more fit. But yes video games and pot without work or social interaction is an incompatibility. I agree with that.

 

However it is also an incompatibility with what *he* wants. He wants to be successful, he wants a house etc. Remember that was what he revealed his insecurity was.

 

So the very least I can do is support him (though I'm not sure how to go about it yet) and give him some time since he quit his job somewhat recently.

 

This is still a period of evaluating each other.

 

Watch the feet not the lips -not what he "says" he wants but what he does to reach his goals, including baby steps. Support him by giving him input only when he asks for it, by making sure that if he wants time to work on his CV, network, meet with recruiters, that you give him the time and space to do that.

[Applewhite]

Watch the feet not the lips -not what he "says" he wants but what he does to reach his goals, including baby steps. Support him by giving him input only when he asks for it, by making sure that if he wants time to work on his CV, network, meet with recruiters, that you give him the time and space to do that.

Ironically that's what he always says: actions not words.

 

He hasn't mentioned any of this aside from us working on his CV when applying to that job . Since then I haven't heard a peep except for mentioning he's stressed about it.

 

So I don't want to bring it up just yet, or should I? I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or getting impatient. I am worried though for our future or if we can have one at this rate.

[Batya33]

Ironically that's what he always says: actions not words.

 

He hasn't mentioned any of this aside from us working on his CV when applying to that job . Since then I haven't heard a peep except for mentioning he's stressed about it.

 

So I don't want to bring it up just yet, or should I? I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or getting impatient. I am worried though for our future or if we can have one at this rate.

 

Again it is none of your business what his job situation or income is with this exception: you should let him know in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way what your timing is. You decide what your timing is and share that with him without apology or defensiveness. You can have a future - it's whether you can have the specific future that you want. If he never got a steady job and/or got one but continued to tell you that his real goal is to work in the marijuana business and/or be a full-time parent should you two have a child how long would you stay?

[Applewhite]

Again it is none of your business what his job situation or income is with this exception: you should let him know in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way what your timing is. You decide what your timing is and share that with him without apology or defensiveness. You can have a future - it's whether you can have the specific future that you want. If he never got a steady job and/or got one but continued to tell you that his real goal is to work in the marijuana business and/or be a full-time parent should you two have a child how long would you stay?

Well it's my business in so far as I get to decide if I want to stay in that relationship. So I disagree with that.

 

I don't think I want kids. I don't think he does either, neither of us fully decided.

 

I would never continue a relationship with him if he continues yes on about any "business starting" missions (pot or something else) without having a clear path in mind. I feel like he just dreams out loud and he isn't serious. If he was I would end it.

[JaggerJim]

*JaggerJim innocently wanders into thread*

 

I havn't read 37 pages (forgive me), but if he indeed was not joking about starting up the marijuana business, ditch him. (I think that was the jist of it).

[Applewhite]

Hi Jagger lol

 

*Waves at random stranger who just walked in*

[Applewhite]

He is kind of a dreamer and just says what's on his mind, it's not always realistic. I used to do (and still do) the same thing with a slight difference...

 

My dreams would be like: OK I have my econ PhD now it's time for a mathematics PhD! Or let me fking ace those LSATs then I can get into a 2 year lawschool with a full ride scholarship...etc

 

My recent one is to go I to a tech field with zero work experience, some minor programming background academically and a lot of smarts! Won't you cheer me on?

 

Problem is his blurt outs are of the form, let me start a business and get rich the quick way with minimal effort (or at least that's how I interpret them). He does have a career as a successful stockbroker. So he does have skills he can fall back on.

[JaggerJim]

You would think he would just suck it up and go back to being a stockbroker. Everyone would love a "get rich quick scheme" but that isn't reality, His reality is he needs to be working.

 

How does he support himself?

[Applewhite]

You would think he would just suck it up and go back to being a stockbroker. Everyone would love a "get rich quick scheme" but that isn't reality, His reality is he needs to be working.

 

How does he support himself?

Right now he has enough money in the bank to not worry about it for several months maybe up to a year stretching it.

 

I read this somewhere from someone supporting their significant other. I wonder if it's a good idea to approach it with him. It seems motivating and no judgemental, supportive while also starting to put a time stamp on things so it doesn't drag on endlessly:

 

 

"Do whatever you can to boost his self esteem. Unemployment can really take a toll on a person.

 

 

When my ex lost his job, I started by helping him realize that it was actually a good thing. He hated that job, and they didn't pay him nearly enough for the effort he was putting in. I encouraged him to take 30 days to decompress and relax before beginning his search while I took care of the bills. Basically, I gave him permission to be lazy and work on his art for a month. It was great. I loved coming home to a clean house and a happy boyfriend. The time he took to really consider his next step paid off. He got a much better job that was well paying and enjoyable for him. I don't think he would have gotten the same result if he had been stressed and depressed about it. "

[Batya33]

Well it's my business in so far as I get to decide if I want to stay in that relationship. So I disagree with that.

 

I don't think I want kids. I don't think he does either, neither of us fully decided.

 

I would never continue a relationship with him if he continues yes on about any "business starting" missions (pot or something else) without having a clear path in mind. I feel like he just dreams out loud and he isn't serious. If he was I would end it.

 

No, we agree. It is your business to the extent that you can ask him directly and simply what his specific goals are and how he plans to achieve them, including the timing. It is not your business how much money he has or what job he has right now or how he spends his money. It's his money. You're not his wife nor do you have a joint account or any financial involvement with him. If he won't tell you or is evasive, I'd walk, now. If he is specific and his timeline matches yours, then you stick by him and see if he does what he says he will do in the time he says he will do it. If he doesn't then you're at another decision making time.

 

Being a successful stockbroker often requires many hours of work, evening work and weekend work depending on the level of success to which you aspire. Does he have all the financial credentials and licenses? Can he pass a drug test?

 

It's fine to blurt out dreams but less so when there is no balance of realistic goals. My husband has a successful career and has for many years. He also has a side dream that involves the theater/entertainment. He started talking more seriously about it 8 years ago. Recently I got him in touch with someone who could help him with that dream of his because he asked me to do that as part of his 50th birthday present. He has no interest in ever quitting his job or having this dream affect his career -it would be a side thing. If 10 years ago he had said he wanted to quit his career and do this instead I probably would not have married him or started a family with him because it would have been too financially risky. He also would have been acting inconsistently with all of his values and work ethic that I knew about for many years.

 

Just sharing the contrast of having a dream and what that looks like in the context of living a life that involves the goals the couple wants as far as jobs/financial stability. I am not judging anyone who chooses to pursue dreams rather than financial stability. I am commenting on your goal of wanting financial stability in a partner.

[Fudgie]

How much does he smoke pot? Just curious. Also, you said he spends time "making weed". Are you saying he is a grower? Is that legal where you are? In most states, that's an instant felony.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying video games and kicking back and relaxing with some substances in moderation. But his comments make me wonder if he's keen on not pulling his financial weight. Even if you two decide not to have kids, it's still an issue.

 

The "dreamer" bit would bother me but that's me. My boyfriends brother is like that. Just blurts out absurd s__t that has little basis in reality. "Hey let's do x, what if I did y, wouldn't it be cool to make $$ from Z?" It's freaking obnoxious to me.

 

Real innovators have a vision and a plan. They don't just shoot out in random directions.

[Applewhite]

He doesn't grow, it's all for personal use. He doesn't smoke but rather "vapes" so he's buying it then doing some things to turn it into a substance that can be vaped.

[Batya33]

He doesn't grow, it's all for personal use. He doesn't smoke but rather "vapes" so he's buying it then doing some things to turn it into a substance that can be vaped.

 

And you're ok with him smoking and processing it in your house or a house you end up sharing?

[IAmFCA]

I agree with your comments that he has unrealistic ideas in his head. Some months ago he was talking about starting a business with the money he has (but here was no business idea at all).

 

But to drop him right now (based on what?) I don't get that part.

 

For all we know he could find a steady job in a month's time and we could spend the rest of our lives together happy...

 

I think it's too soon to make any definitive decisions either way.

 

I just need to watch, observe, continuously evaluate and be prepared to go either direction.

 

It is not about whether he has a job. It is about his attitude.