An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Applewhite]

I'm also annoyed I lost a couple of lbs then gained right back. Ugh.

[Applewhite]

I feel really emotional/sad today. For no apparent reason. I feel on the verge of tears.

[Applewhite]

I am nowhere near ready to say the below things, but these are my thoughts as they are today. Perhaps writing them down will bring further reality.

 

While I am very much in love with you, it breaks my heart to tell you that it has become increasingly difficult to see a future with you that makes either of us happy.

 

My primary concern is a gut feeling that haunts me. I know you are comfortable with me, happy in my company and that you like me but I cannot shake the gut feeling that you are not that attracted to me.

 

My second concern which is an equally important factor is that your spotty work history and lack of motivation combined with habits like pot, daily gaming worries me immensely. After you quit your job you said you would give yourself a month to find a new one. While I thought that was too ambitious and unrealistic I was surprised to see you turn down a job offer that you received, for a job that I got you an interview for. Since then you have made a joking comment about me "supporting our family", you being a "house husband" and in one serious conversation you mentioned not being able to support the both of us (as if I asked you to support me?).

 

I am in a position where I'd like to start thinking about the next stages of my life. That includes getting married and buying a house (not necessarily in that order). With your current earning potential these are not things we can share together as you cannot afford a house with me and I would be afraid to marry you under the current circumstances.

 

After 8 months together I would like to start planning how we intend to join our lives together but the only option left is moving in with you since you can't afford any alternative outside of that. However that does not seem feasible either. Our standards for cleanliness are very different and I cannot see myself in such a cramped space, especially in the condition it is in currently and especially since we would be sharing it with our two dogs.

 

I don't know where we go from here. Do you have any suggestions or comments?

[notalady]

How long has he been out of a job now?

 

I think that is a very pragmatic assessment of what's been going on / concerning you.

[Applewhite]

How long has he been out of a job now?

 

I think that is a very pragmatic assessment of what's been going on / concerning you.

I have bad memory and didn't keep track that well, but it was before Xmas, don't remember if it was before Thanksgiving

[Applewhite]

Although when we met he was juggling multiple part time hours with very odd hours and then the full time he accepted wasn't meant to be a career for him and he couldn't handle the long hours (I don't blame him for that part, it was bad)

[IAmFCA]

I am nowhere near ready to say the below things, but these are my thoughts as they are today. Perhaps writing them down will bring further reality.

 

While I am very much in love with you, it breaks my heart to tell you that it has become increasingly difficult to see a future with you that makes either of us happy.

 

My primary concern is a gut feeling that haunts me. I know you are comfortable with me, happy in my company and that you like me but I cannot shake the gut feeling that you are not that attracted to me.

 

My second concern which is an equally important factor is that your spotty work history and lack of motivation combined with habits like pot, daily gaming worries me immensely. After you quit your job you said you would give yourself a month to find a new one. While I thought that was too ambitious and unrealistic I was surprised to see you turn down a job offer that you received, for a job that I got you an interview for. Since then you have made a joking comment about me "supporting our family", you being a "house husband" and in one serious conversation you mentioned not being able to support the both of us (as if I asked you to support me?).

 

I am in a position where I'd like to start thinking about the next stages of my life. That includes getting married and buying a house (not necessarily in that order). With your current earning potential these are not things we can share together as you cannot afford a house with me and I would be afraid to marry you under the current circumstances.

 

After 8 months together I would like to start planning how we intend to join our lives together but the only option left is moving in with you since you can't afford any alternative outside of that. However that does not seem feasible either. Our standards for cleanliness are very different and I cannot see myself in such a cramped space, especially in the condition it is in currently and especially since we would be sharing it with our two dogs.

 

I don't know where we go from here. Do you have any suggestions or comments?

 

This sounds honest. Overwhelming for someone to hear about themselves, and too much information to control what his take away message will be. But good for you as internal dialogue. I got to the end and thought - well there is no solution. I smoke pot, i don't have money. Those things arent changing.

[Applewhite]

Well to be clear I don't want his money. I just don't want to end up in a situation some people do where their spouse sits home all day play video games and smoke pot while they work all day to support both of them.

[Fudgie]

How many hours did he have to work with the full time job? What exactly made it unbearable for him? Just curious.

[Applewhite]

It was a very physical job and he was working 75-80 hours a week. It was not maintainable in the long run. It's not like he is 20 and also he wasn't getting enough sleep and driving long hours. Sometimes he would have a 12 hour shift and get 2 hours at home only to be called in to drive 4 hours to start another job.

[Fudgie]

Yeah that doesn't sound maintainable or even legal for that matter, for anyone of any age.

[Applewhite]

Yeah that doesn't sound maintainable or even legal for that matter, for anyone of any age.

Yeah once they started pulling that crap after a 12 HR shift he quit.i supported his decision.

 

But now I basically want him to not turn down job offers, apply more aggressively so we can have a life together. Otherwise we are stuck where we are.

[Fudgie]

Does he turn down a lot of job offers? Surely, these jobs aren't ideal but if they are doable and not back breaking and offer enough pay to be worth it, I don't see why he wouldn't take them.

 

I think your gut is telling you something. His continual jokes about you being "the bread winner" shouldn't be ignored.

[Applewhite]

That job was very similar to the job type he said he would look for. It had decent pay and he turned it down with an excuse. He then told me don't worry there will be other jobs. There hasn't been.

 

He then tells me how depressed he is about not being where he wants to be in life, not having a house etc. Both of us have minimal debt and don't want kids and we could easily purchase and pay for a home completely in 10 years if we had two incomes.

 

Instead if we want to move the relationship forward the only option is me moving into his cramped apt that's too small and more importantly filthy.

 

I would still be willing to do that if a) it was part of a plan to save up on a larger down payment and b) there was some serious plan to clean and reorganize to make me feel welcome but neither of those seem to be happening.

[IAmFCA]

Well to be clear I don't want his money. I just don't want to end up in a situation some people do where their spouse sits home all day play video games and smoke pot while they work all day to support both of them.

 

I get that.

 

When it comes time to talk to him, he might not. I would say much much less to him.

[Applewhite]

I get that.

 

When it comes time to talk to him, he might not. I would say much much less to him.

Because it will be a blow to his ego o because all of this sounds mean/like I have no faith in him?

 

How much would you reveal?

[Fudgie]

His actions are not matching with his words.

[IAmFCA]

Because it will be a blow to his ego o because all of this sounds mean/like I have no faith in him?

 

How much would you reveal?

 

Because he isnt wrong and you are not right (actually, i would that he is wrongbut not for this purpose), rather, you two want different lifestyles and therefore are incompatible.

 

It isnt his fault that he doesnt offer what you want. No matter how easy it is to judge his couch-sitting, game-playing, unemployed life, avoid that at all costs.

 

Therefore, your comments are irrelevant to him, except to the degree they define what is different. To that end, you could list your own traits:

 

I am not very good at keeping my spirits up when my partner is home a lot; I am hoping to have a dual income family; I want a drug free home including tobacco and marijuana ... or whatever is true for you.... and so youve come to see that you are not a good match for him.

[Applewhite]

The thing is he says he wants to make money he wants to buy a house. In fact he has revealed to me that this is something that causes a a lot of insecurities in him. but I guess Fudgie has a point in that so far his actions don't match his words.

[Applewhite]

I do want to feel like a family. And since we don't plan on kids I think the way I could feel that is if we had a home and we're married working to make a comfortable life together. But I can't picture that working for me if I'm the only one working.

[Fudgie]

I wouldn't be happy to have an able-bodied, able-minded partner sitting at home without kids or schoolwork while I did all of the work. Similarly, I couldn't stay at home while my partner worked. It's just not something that is compatible with me. If he wants to do that, it's fine, but he needs to find a woman who is okay with that. Same goes for you.

[IAmFCA]

My exH wanted a lot of things for which he was not willing to work. Your guy's wants are empty; he wants other things more and that is what he chooses, even if it means he disrespects himself for his own choices.

 

There are a host of issues in that dynamic and all are self destructive.

 

His right and his choice.

 

Break up, leaving room in your heart and words for him to grow and change. (You will too, and aren't likely ever to compatible). Maybe, when he sets himself on a path to pursuing his goals, your lives will be more compatible. Right now, they aren't, and you want to be apart so that you can be sure you are making the right choices for yourself, before you get attached - more attached - to someone who is at least right now seems to want different things.

 

I guess he would argue that he wants the same things you want. In which case you could point out that he doesn't back it up with action, but that will lead to confrontation. Instead, maybe, say I know you do and I look forward to seeing you get the things you dream of.

 

And go right back to you: Timing is everything. I am pursuing my dreams right now, and I need to be alone to do that. We are in different places right now.

 

??

[Applewhite]

I'm not ready to break up yet but if I get there I will reread your response so I am not abrasive. Thanks.

[notalady]

I find it curious that he is often cleaning your place and yet his place is filthy. To be honest I had assumed that he's a fairly clean person since you mentioned nothing about the state of his place before.

[notalady]

When I was 19, first year in uni, I met a boy who was doing the same degree. We felt attracted to each other and started dating. He told me he didn't want to work in his dad's plumbing business and wanted to do a degree and make something of himself (not that there's anything wrong with running a plumbing business). That seemed aligned to my goals, which was something that I valued. Over the year and half we dated, what he actually showed in action was, he actually didn't have much interest in the subjects we were doing, and as much as he dismissed his dad's business or his time working there part time, not long after we broke up, he dropped out of uni and went back to his dad's business.

 

That was the first time I learned, someone can tell you what they want or envision for themselves in life, and in action pursue a completely different path. Doesn't mean they were lying, just means that people sometimes don't really know what they want or they want something but aren't willing to put it into action. And all you need to know is that you can't believe what people say they want, not until you see it in action.

 

I've been in relationships after that where guys had told me the future they wanted / envisioned for themselves. Sometimes, I think it's almost, in a way, part of the ritual of impressing a new person they're dating (especially when they sense that this persons value such things they are saying they want, or if the person shared this is something they want). Again, not saying they were lying, but most of those things didn't eventuate, at least not in the time (a couple of years for example) that we dated.

 

So what've learned is that, if I want someone with certain qualities, that are at a certain place in their life, I should only date someone who is already there or pretty much there. Not someone who is still a ways off. I mean having a goal is commendable and I wish them luck in getting what they want, but I don't want to wait around for years to see if it happens. As horrible as that sounds, dating is the one place where you get to be discriminating (in terms of only dating someone with qualities / things that you want).

 

It's too easy to listen to words and believe that they want the same things as you. Because that's what you want to believe, not because their actions have given you confidence that it will happen.