An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[notalady]

Oh I forgot to mention, the fact that he looked at young teenagers walking around the living room in tank tops etc is, to me, even worse than porn. It's voyeurism. And it's more real than porn (not rehearsed and acted by perhaps over 18 year olds that looked younger). Like he enjoys spying on young girls walking around at home not wearing very much, I mean, gross!!

 

Even if these girls are ALL over 18, are you really ok with your boyfriend (who is what, late 30s? 40?) being really into girls that young? Seriously, aren't you just grossed out at the thought of that? It's f'cked up. How can anyone proceed to try and convince themselves that this is ok and that they should continue the relationship?

[Applewhite]

ok so after looking some more. i see on youtube he looked up little kids maybe barely teen doing "gymnastics" in their home bathrooms etc -

there were a couple of boys too topless in front of their webcams - naive.

how could there be any justification for this + all of the "teen porn" links he looked at?

[Batya33]

Rejoining the thread (despite your not finding my prior input useful -this seems like a whole different can of worms).

 

I agree with NAL and BEG so no need to add on those. What I did want to add -so, this is on his computer but at your home, over your wifi? I'd also be concerned about you getting in trouble especially if you ever let him use your computer or you end up living with him.

[Applewhite]

He left his laptop here. I won't go on it anymore. I'm done. But yes I used my own wifi.

 

My mind STILL tries to justify it. I know it can't be justified anymore.

 

What is wrong with me????

 

I remember early when we started dating he had mentioned an 18 year old had a crush on him and said she was too young for me ew etc. But now I see those comments in a different light.

[Fudgie]

Remember all of your bad previous feelings? Feeling awful, like he didn't love you or he didn't actually find you attractive? Think of this incident as confirmation of those feelings. He's into very very young people and maybe you could sense that. And that maybe he stays with you because, in his words, you're a provider. And in his actions, he treats you like one.

 

How do you know he doesn't have peeping Tom fantasies that he may try to fulfill someday?

 

You need to look at the facts here and go on those. Your internal justification is your heart's way to convince you to stay so you won't be lonely/won't have wasted 8 months/etc. But in the grand scheme of things, does it matter? How will you feel when you're still feeling bad thoughts down the road and you've wasted YEARS with him?

 

Every minute you stay with him is a minute you're not spending getting into a good head space so you can meet someone right for you.

[Applewhite]

It's just so strange. I mean it's not like there's tons of videos there was like 4 back to back on one day, in the whole many day history.

[Applewhite]

Majority of photos of women/celebrities he looks at and even saves is adult. I just saw 4 isolated photos.

 

A couple of months that ago I had a few searches on my browsing history of something disgusting (2 girls and a cup! I couldn't watch when the "action" started ewww) doesn't Mena I'm into it. I mean he had women photos on his computer dating profiles etc from the past. He had no kid photos.

[mustlovedogs]

Echoing what Batya said - you may be accidentally treading in illegal waters. Get him out of your place ASAP so you don't get looped in on a kiddie porn bust

[Fudgie]

2girls1cup is like... an Internet legend. He's not watching that for pleasure, most likely, he's probably watching it because some friend told him to and dared him he couldn't. I would be way more concerned about the voyeur crap.

 

You can't be in trouble for someone on your WiFi looking at kiddie porn, it's about whether or not kiddie porn is on your computer or devices. Never let him use your computer, first and foremost. HOWEVER, by letting him do this stuff on your WiFi makes you look questionable if law enforcement is monitoring the IPs and such, if he's sharing and downloading stuff from certain sites. You don't want to open yourself up to scrutiny, you know?

 

Look, if you're worried about your safety, you don't have to say anything. Just say that you're unhappy in the relationship and you want to end it, the end. You don't need to bring this up or confront him.

[Jibralta]

My mind STILL tries to justify it. I know it can't be justified anymore.

 

What is wrong with me????

 

It seems to me, since I've been following this thread, that you have a pattern of doubting yourself and then finding ways to justify the things that you are uncomfortable about. It's like you're your own worst enemy. You have to start having faith in yourself. And stand up for yourself.

[browneyedgirl36]

ok so after looking some more. i see on youtube he looked up little kids maybe barely teen doing "gymnastics" in their home bathrooms etc -

there were a couple of boys too topless in front of their webcams - naive.

how could there be any justification for this + all of the "teen porn" links he looked at?

 

I think you've answered your own question: There IS no justification.

 

There is NO other reason for him to be looking at all these things -- even the "non-porn" stuff that might, at first glance, seem completely innocent -- than that he enjoys it. The fact that he enjoys looking at very young people -- even people who MAY be "of age" but just LOOK really young -- should be enough for you to get him out of your life.

 

The fact that you're second-guessing yourself is concerning; I know it can be easy to chalk it all up to "paranoia" or even "wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt," but what you're feeling right now can't be swept under the rug. These feelings are warnings to you. I believe very strongly in following intuition. Way too many of us -- women especially -- ignore it or talk ourselves into or out of something despite what we know, intuitively, to be true,

 

Sometimes, doing what's right for us means breaking our own hearts -- and sometimes, someone else's, too. This is a case, though, where the alternative is worse than than whatever heartbreak you'll endure if you break up with him.

[Fudgie]

Hope you're doing okay....

[Applewhite]

Sorry I've been away and left you guys hanging. If anybody was still wondering I did leave him.

It took me a while to process everything.

 

I now actually believe he isn't a pedophile but more a porn addict - he admits this. He has all the symptoms too - like depression, social anxiety, anger, lack of sex drive or intimacy issues with their partner etc etc.

 

First I thought I would support him through it because he himself admitted he wanted to quit, always emphasizing not for me but for himself. However he would say he quit and then admit he only looked today, he only looked at this etc etc. (as any addict would I suppose). So when push came to shove between me and porn he chose porn and I walked. He claims we had other issues and I am aways unhappy etc but I really do think majority if not all of HIS issues are porn addiction related.

 

Not that it matters. Once I saw he wasn't really honest to me (himself?) about quitting, I realized I would always wonder if he is watching porn behind my back and realized our sex life would only get worse and worse so as painful as it was I ended it.

 

So that happened.

 

Now I am focusing on myself and in the next 3 months I will get in the best shape of my life. That's also the timeline I give myself to actively start dating again.

 

I know there's loads of information here and elsewhere on this, but if you guys have a single suggestion on how to move on fast and successfully do share.

[notalady]

Sorry (but also glad) to hear you broke up with him. I'm not convinced that pedophilia should be ruled out (or at least attraction to very young adults). But anyway that's irrelevant now.

 

I highly recommend you stay single for longer than 3 months and spend a lot of time working on yourself emotionally, analyse deeper as to why you stayed with him for so long despite all these issues, all that self deception and convincing yourself why you should stay, why it was so hard to leave him despite all this. It's not about him, it's about you. I think you could really learn something about yourself after all this and make changes within so you don't find yourself in similar situations again in the future.

 

Otherwise...you could jump right back into another dysfunctional relationship in 3 months time and waste another 6 or more months of your life because you will still be reluctant to leave when you find red flags and when things aren't going well early on. (And plus 3 more months to get back on your feet). How many more 6 months or 9 months are you willing to waste away on relationships that don't work?

 

I think it's important to work on yourself and change the way you approach relationships, before jumping into another one.

[Batya33]

Sorry this ended in this way. Not sure if my relationship input is welcome generally (as you wrote earlier that it wasn't with respect to your now, ex). How I moved on. My goal was marriage and family so I did have that ticking clock (which you might not). I moved on by getting back into the dating scene ASAP. I also evaluated what happened, why it didn't work out, changes I could make. I talked to friends I trusted for their honest assessments (and one actually was inadvertently responsible for my AHA moment which triggered me getting over a 7 year on and off relationship once and for all). Yes, if I'd had to make physical changes before I felt comfortable being out there I might have waited but I'm not a fan of "waiting" for the purposes of self-work and self-reflection. I think the input you got throughout with respect to this guy (and I mean mostly before this porn issue cropped up) could be a very valuable starting point for you to figure out whether your actions and reactions in general are how you want to approach your next dating relationship.

 

But yes I'd brush up the on line profile and jump start getting out there and getting involved in activities, exercise, volunteer work, whatever (and an occasional pity party- nothing wrong with that!). Good luck!

[Applewhite]

Honestly assuming that I successfully stay away after breakup, this was one of the fastest times I have stopped something unhealthy. In the beginning there weren't many problems - and any problems that did come up he very successfully worked on with me. So that was a really good sign.

 

There was one time in late Dec that was a big problem, but he didn't do it again and I decided he just couldn't contrl his temper at the thought of losing me (moving further) and let that go with a watchful eye.

 

All the other serious issues started when the sex got more sparse, and then my realization (which was like a month prior to final decision) of porn addiction causing all these issues... In about a month I finally realized I cannot solve this and I cannot wait around being treated this way in waiting while hoping he solves it... and I left.

 

Now my bigger problem is after ending things I tend to hold on to hope. I need to stop that as it hurts healing and moving on. Knowing him he won't swallow his pride and come running back but knowing me inside I will always hope this was his wakeup call and he will solve it and come back and we live happily ever after.

[Batya33]

Hope is a normal emotion. How you choose to act on it is within your control. Because this is a concrete, external issue you are forewarned and you can do your own research/talk to people about how long it typically takes to stop being addicted to porn and what it takes, and then if he wants to try again you will have that information. My personal opinion on whether that's the right approach is irrelevant but information gathering from trusted sources can be very helpful.

[Applewhite]

Sorry this ended in this way. Not sure if my relationship input is welcome generally (as you wrote earlier that it wasn't with respect to your now, ex). How I moved on. My goal was marriage and family so I did have that ticking clock (which you might not). I moved on by getting back into the dating scene ASAP. I also evaluated what happened, why it didn't work out, changes I could make. I talked to friends I trusted for their honest assessments (and one actually was inadvertently responsible for my AHA moment which triggered me getting over a 7 year on and off relationship once and for all). Yes, if I'd had to make physical changes before I felt comfortable being out there I might have waited but I'm not a fan of "waiting" for the purposes of self-work and self-reflection. I think the input you got throughout with respect to this guy (and I mean mostly before this porn issue cropped up) could be a very valuable starting point for you to figure out whether your actions and reactions in general are how you want to approach your next dating relationship.

 

But yes I'd brush up the on line profile and jump start getting out there and getting involved in activities, exercise, volunteer work, whatever (and an occasional pity party- nothing wrong with that!). Good luck!

 

Thanks Batya. I mean I am comfortable enough to date as is - but certainly would be even more confident in 3 months time. But outside of that I think I wouldn't give any guy a fair shot right now as is so I'd be wasting my time and theirs. While I have logically made the breakup decision and executed it my heart does in essence still belong to him. Sorry if this sounds stupid or cheesy. Anyone I meet I would compare to him and he would win every battle in my mind. So I don't see how that is productive in moving on.

 

I really did love this guy in every way possible. The only reason I had to let go was I finally saw that we couldn't be happy together as is.

 

This was the first guy who I seriously considered marrying. We had started planning our life together. I've never felt that or wanted that with anyone before.

[Batya33]

Thanks Batya. I mean I am comfortable enough to date as is - but certainly would be even more confident in 3 months time. But outside of that I think I wouldn't give any guy a fair shot right now as is so I'd be wasting my time and theirs. While I have logically made the breakup decision and executed it my heart does in essence still belong to him. Sorry if this sounds stupid or cheesy. Anyone I meet I would compare to him and he would win every battle in my mind. So I don't see how that is productive in moving on.

 

I really did love this guy in every way possible. The only reason I had to let go was I finally saw that we couldn't be happy together as is.

 

This was the first guy who I seriously considered marrying. We had started planning our life together. I've never felt that or wanted that with anyone before.

 

I agree with you as I wrote in my post - "ASAP" - so not a specific deadline at all unless it has to do with health/weight loss. Not cheesy at all not to be ready yet. I'd do non-dating social activities as much as possible and even better where you can't talk about your ex (because it's not the appropriate environment, for example).

[Applewhite]

I agree with you as I wrote in my post - "ASAP" - so not a specific deadline at all unless it has to do with health/weight loss. Not cheesy at all not to be ready yet. I'd do non-dating social activities as much as possible and even better where you can't talk about your ex (because it's not the appropriate environment, for example).

 

Yes, I will up my social activities. For me that's mostly boardgame meetups And sometimes I do meet new people "organically" through those.

I will also be at the gym very frequently

[Applewhite]

It's hard. I'm really having a hard time right now. I'm so hurt and sad. I'm also very sick so it's horrible timing. I've been coughing so violently at night I can't sleep. I'm in a walk in clinic now because I have a red eye I must've popped a vessel or maybe I have some serious infection that's spreading despite the antibiotics I'm on.

 

My mind keeps going where it shouldn't.

 

Batya I know you'll tell me about that STOP technique, but I never succeeded with that.

[Applewhite]

I should've known things would go downhill fast when he stopped sleeping over. Even though I'm the one working full time it would be up to me to drive over to sleep over, always me. His excuse? Wants to play videogames and can't leave his dog for 9 hrs alone.

 

So selfish of him to take advantage of my time and effort. I think he has no concept of time because he spends his on his addictions whether it's porn or TV or video games etc.

 

This weekend he was 1 hr late to meet me at his own house. 30 mins into it I left and said I'd see him tomorrow. He made a big deal out of this and said he was "only late 1 hr" seriously??? Then he got angry at ME because I ruined his whole day.

 

Remember this is when I'm working part time, I'm picking us up food, I'm the one driving to him etc. He has no empathy, no respect, no concept of time. I think this is all because of what porn and other addictions did to his brain. He turned selfish. But he wasn't like this in the begining. He just started taking me for granted despite declaring he loves me more than anyone bla bla.

 

Actions not words.

[Batya33]

It's hard. I'm really having a hard time right now. I'm so hurt and sad. I'm also very sick so it's horrible timing. I've been coughing so violently at night I can't sleep. I'm in a walk in clinic now because I have a red eye I must've popped a vessel or maybe I have some serious infection that's spreading despite the antibiotics I'm on.

 

My mind keeps going where it shouldn't.

 

Batya I know you'll tell me about that STOP technique, but I never succeeded with that.

 

No idea what the STOP technique is. I hope you feel better!

[Applewhite]

Oh maybe it wasn't you that always suggests that

[Applewhite]

I'm having a rough time. I'm having memories come back, good times, withdrawals, doubts...It's so hard