An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Fudgie]

Teen porn? Gross. That's felony level stuff too. Gosh, yeah that explains a lot.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You can end this. You can do this. We're here for you.

[Applewhite]

It was all a website called "motherless" and most of the history was in the "teen porn" category. a few of the girls looked really young, not all of them - but i dont want to start making excuses for him.

 

also there were 2 screenshots of dating profiles, very obviously after the date that we would said we would get off the dating sites. still months back very early in ou relationship though but again - i must stop making these excuses. it is what it is at this point.

 

but hoenstly I don't feel strong enough to stick to my guns. I disgust myself. I hate myself for this. I am so angry, at myself.

[Applewhite]

I think this is what I need to focus on to let go:

 

I cannot build a life with someone and always in the back of my mind wonder if he is lusting after 13-15 year old kids.

 

It doesn't even matter if he loved me or not under that circumstance. Does this make sense?

[journeynow]

Oh, Applewhite, I am so sorry. Don't beat yourself up, please. Think it through here, if it helps. Role play if you'd like. I can't blame you for being shocked. I know for me, shock can lead to paralysis of sorts. You might be like me and need to process it before finding your voice and making your choice.

[Applewhite]

I am now self doubting - that maybe I am exaggerating the ages in my head? I really cannot be objective.

 

There were some not super sexual short videos of seemingly young teenagers just walking around the living room etc in tank tops on youtube - like a couple of those i saw. I saw pervy comments below by other people. Idk.

[journeynow]

I think this is what I need to focus on to let go:

 

I cannot build a life with someone and always in the back of my mind wonder if he is lusting after 13-15 year old kids.

 

It doesn't even matter if he loved me or not under that circumstance. Does this make sense?

 

Yes, makes sense to me.

[Applewhite]

Yes, makes sense to me.

 

Thank you journeynow. I have since read online that this particular website he used is banned on reddit/FB because it is commonly thought to be involved with underaged and trafficked girls.

 

I am paralyzed like you said. My head is spinning my stomach is cramping I do not know what to do. Please help.

[journeynow]

I am now self doubting - that maybe I am exaggerating the ages in my head? I really cannot be objective.

 

There were some not super sexual short videos of seemingly young teenagers just walking around the living room etc in tank tops on youtube - like a couple of those i saw. I saw pervy comments below by other people. Idk.

 

If you are going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, give it to you. Meaning if you have doubts about him, and doubts about yourself, and have to choose between trusting one or the other, trust YOURSELF. No matter what, when you choose yourself, I believe you learn more about yourself. And that's the one you will live your life with, for certain.

[Applewhite]

I keep trying to convince myself that I exaggerated the ages. please help.

[journeynow]

Thank you journeynow. I have since read online that this particular website he used is banned on reddit/FB because it is commonly thought to be involved with underaged and trafficked girls.

 

I am paralyzed like you said. My head is spinning my stomach is cramping I do not know what to do. Please help.

 

Would it help you to write out possible scenarios, what you would say? If it is too hard to find your words, try as other personalities, Merle Streep, Sandra Bullock, Chelsea Handler… Don't forget to breath. Deep, slow breaths.

[journeynow]

I keep trying to convince myself that I exaggerated the ages. please help.

 

Why are you trying to convince yourself?

[Applewhite]

Would it help you to write out possible scenarios, what you would say? If it is too hard to find your words, try as other personalities, Merle Streep, Sandra Bullock, Chelsea Handler… Don't forget to breath. Deep, slow breaths.

 

I am sorry I am so panicked and scared right now that I dont understand what you tried to say. All of this is making me worry about my own safety right now. I feel like I have to act out being ok until my lease ends, he has a key . he also has a gps tracker on my phone (my idea, i was stupid)

[Applewhite]

because i have abandonment issues and i cannot cope with the loss of him in my head. so my brain is trying to trick me into thinking all is fine and i exaggerated, and i can keep my status quo.

[Jibralta]

If you are going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, give it to you. Meaning if you have doubts about him, and doubts about yourself, and have to choose between trusting one or the other, trust YOURSELF.

 

solid advice.

[journeynow]

I am sorry I am so panicked and scared right now that I dont understand what you tried to say. All of this is making me worry about my own safety right now. I feel like I have to act out being ok until my lease ends, he has a key . he also has a gps tracker on my phone (my idea, i was stupid)

 

If he won't give you the key back, have the landlord change the locks. And can you have the gps tracker disabled? Are you afraid he will hurt you if you mention what your found on his computer?

[Applewhite]

I can't be objective wether I am exaggerating or being paranoid or if he would really hurt me. It's not just about a key. I bet he could easily get in without a key if he wanted. I feel like if he suspects or realizes what I know and think, that he could harm me. So I feel like I should just act the part until my lease is up a couple of months down the line.

 

Then I think am I creating another excuse to just continue. I feel so confused and scared right now.

[journeynow]

because i have abandonment issues and i cannot cope with the loss of him in my head. so my brain is trying to trick me into thinking all is fine and i exaggerated, and i can keep my status quo.

 

I see. I understand, actually. My brain will go into overdrive and I'll feel like I have no viable options, no hope…panic, as you say. How about if you don't have to decide right this minute one way or the other the ages you saw? If you backtrack to just a few posts ago, you were feeling a bit like withdrawing from this relationship. That's ok, that's not abandonment, that's you living your life, evaluating, thinking. If you leave the (possibly teen) porn off the table for now, and just consider how this relationship was heading, you have the option of saying to him you don't see a future together, you don't want to waste his time, it's time to go your separate ways.

[Applewhite]

I see. I understand, actually. My brain will go into overdrive and I'll feel like I have no viable options, no hope…panic, as you say. How about if you don't have to decide right this minute one way or the other the ages you saw? If you backtrack to just a few posts ago, you were feeling a bit like withdrawing from this relationship. That's ok, that's not abandonment, that's you living your life, evaluating, thinking. If you leave the (possibly teen) porn off the table for now, and just consider how this relationship was heading, you have the option of saying to him you don't see a future together, you don't want to waste his time, it's time to go your separate ways.

 

see but i cannot do this for two reasons. one i am not sure if it is SAFE. i dont want to go into detail, and i am not sure if it is safe or not but there's that..

 

the other is emotionally i just have such a hard time letting go - which makes me thing am i convincing myself its not safe or is it really true.

 

im all sorts of messed up right now. but i will listen to one thing. i wont think more aobut it today or try to decide today in all this panic, fear and hurt. he just texted me. i will ignore it. take 3 benadryl and try to fall asleep. makes sense?

[journeynow]

I can't be objective wether I am exaggerating or being paranoid or if he would really hurt me. It's not just about a key. I bet he could easily get in without a key if he wanted. I feel like if he suspects or realizes what I know and think, that he could harm me. So I feel like I should just act the part until my lease is up a couple of months down the line.

 

Then I think am I creating another excuse to just continue. I feel so confused and scared right now.

Would it help to post in another of the eNA forums, outside of your journal, and get some advice? I'm afraid I'm not much help, but I understand where you are coming from.

[journeynow]

Maybe post for advice about this in the Relationships forum? There are some people with good heads on their shoulders who might help you get to a calm place where you can see things clearly.

[Applewhite]

Would it help to post in another of the eNA forums, outside of your journal, and get some advice? I'm afraid I'm not much help, but I understand where you are coming from.

 

NO NO you have been VERY helpful. Thank you. I am right now fighting the urge to look at his computer again and decide if the girls are too young. Many of them werent its not like they were all 13 or anything. Many of them seemed like I could have watched it too. it was some 4-5 of them really young our of so many pages.

 

I'm trying to convince myself that maybe that means it was just random - he may not have even watched those and switched to another one?

[journeynow]

see but i cannot do this for two reasons. one i am not sure if it is SAFE. i dont want to go into detail, and i am not sure if it is safe or not but there's that..

 

the other is emotionally i just have such a hard time letting go - which makes me thing am i convincing myself its not safe or is it really true.

 

im all sorts of messed up right now. but i will listen to one thing. i wont think more aobut it today or try to decide today in all this panic, fear and hurt. he just texted me. i will ignore it. take 3 benadryl and try to fall asleep. makes sense?

I don't know anything about benadryl , but getting a good nights sleep makes good sense.

[notalady]

NO NO you have been VERY helpful. Thank you. I am right now fighting the urge to look at his computer again and decide if the girls are too young. Many of them werent its not like they were all 13 or anything. Many of them seemed like I could have watched it too. it was some 4-5 of them really young our of so many pages.

 

I'm trying to convince myself that maybe that means it was just random - he may not have even watched those and switched to another one?

 

Firstly I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. Secondly I want to say, you need to trust yourself. Your instinct has been telling you to run all these time and you've been putting it off, not wanting to let go. Does it really matter if the girls are 13 or whatever? It's very likely they're under-age. They could be 16 or 17 and it still doesn't make it ok. I don't see how you can rationalise it away, there is in no way that any of this is ok.

 

And putting that aside, you have many other issues that you've talked about here. It's not just this thing either. When there are this many problems, it's better to end it. 8 months is nothing. You'll end up wasting years if you stay.

[browneyedgirl36]

I keep trying to convince myself that I exaggerated the ages. please help.

 

I think that what you're doing here is trying to talk yourself out of what your intuition is telling you. Don't.

 

Even if -- EVEN if -- the girls in those photos are older than you first thought, the idea that he's even looking at anything labeled "teen porn" is VERY concerning. Even if the girls ARE over 18, if they LOOK younger, it's still icky, because it indicates that he likes looking at those sort of pictures/videos of girls who at least LOOK to be under 18. And, even if they're over 18, as someone pointed out earlier, a lot of girls in those videos are victims of human trafficking, or are otherwise coerced into doing those things. Some may not even know they're being recorded. It's just disturbing all the way around. And, if he stumbles on the wrong site, or has pictures on his computer or other devices that are illegal, he could end up in jail.

 

The awful feelings you're having are NOT you being paranoid -- they are your intuition telling you that something is terribly wrong. If it feels wrong -- in a visceral sort of way -- heck, even in a vague sort of way -- it most likely is.

 

I know it's very hard. In your situation, I would be feeling so many emotions at once -- anger, fear, disgust, sadness -- but ultimately, you have to ask yourself: "Do I want to spend my life with someone who looks at this kind of stuff?" And, the thing with porn is that, for many people, they become "immune" to a certain level of it, and then they have to look at more and more out there stuff -- i.e., younger and younger girls -- to get any enjoyment from it. It's not going to get better -- it's only going to get worse.

 

I also think you have your explanation for why he doesn't want sex all that often. There's definitely a correlation between porn use and lack of interest in sex with an actual partner, at least for a lot of people. Again, do you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't seem all that interested in you but has no problem looking at porn all the time?

 

My advice is to end this relationship. I know how hard that will be, but...the hurt will subside eventually. You have to weigh in your mind whether you want to keep feeling this way or whether you want to put a stop to it. You need to think long term.

[Jibralta]

Secondly I want to say, you need to trust yourself. Your instinct has been telling you to run all these time and you've been putting it off, not wanting to let go.

 

I agree.

 

 

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