An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Applewhite]

Well, that sounds pretty boring, if you're not watching something you both enjoy or he's just playing with his toys. Doesn't he even ask you what you would like to watch or do together? Because the lack of shared activities (therefore lack of things to bond over) seems to be one of the problems. In addition to lack of sex.

 

Other than asking about your day and such, what else do you talk about? Do you feel like you know him very well, all the little quirks and what he likes and how he thinks and his past experiences and stories? How much does he share his thoughts and feelings?

 

With both my ex's, I felt like I knew them but I didn't really know them. We only talked about very shallow things (like our day). Whereas when current boyfriend, we both share our stories from the past, and what our families are like, and even now 1.5 years in I'm still learning new things about him that fascinates me. It just happens naturally over a meal or some drinks, or maybe we're watching something on tv and it triggers a memory and we share that.

 

Like the other day he told me a story of an argument he and his two roommates had years ago, it was fascinating to hear, because he's such an easy going person, I'd never pictured him having an argument with people. Or stories about his mum at the bachelorette party. Or the time he almost got robbed near his place and how he ran to the door and how he felt after. They made him more real to me and I feel like I know who he is deep down and how he thinks and feels.

 

Do you feel that way about your guy?

Can't type long but in short yes we talk about everything from politics to personal stories positive and negative ones. But only if there's nothing he wants to watch

 

I'll explain more later

[Applewhite]

This is just an observation but you seem to complain about something he did or didn't do and then justify his actions despite this complaint. So I have two questions - 1) are you exaggerating how bad it is? And 2) are you actually in denial and trying to make up excuses to soothe your own insecurities about te relationship?

I wish I knew the answer. I genuinely do not know

[Batya33]

It's not about suppressing at all. It's about handling your emotions on your own -with self-talk as needed- or expressing them in other ways -through exercise for example - and getting a handle -on your own - on why it's to this extreme (sometimes the solution is to end the relationship). It's also about being good with waiting to "express" if the timing is wrong or environment, etc.

 

Sounds to me like the main focus of your interest in him is how "hot" he is and how much sex you want from him and too much of the rest is square peg in round hole.

[notalady]

too much of the rest is square peg in round hole.

 

That accurately describes my thoughts too.

[Batya33]

That accurately describes my thoughts too.

 

Marriage is enough work without the square peg in round hole issue

[Jibralta]

Also I never know how much of it is real incompatibility and how much of it is just me.

 

 

What do you mean, "just me"? It makes me think that you think you (and/or your needs) are crazy, invalid, not to be taken seriously.

 

You are who you are. You need what you need. Don't diminish that. Take yourself seriously.

[Applewhite]

So I let him know that I'd like us to watch another show together (since we watched all of what was available on the OA). I am hoping that if we just keep choosing things together to watch one night a week at least then I won't end up in the awkward situation of him watching something he likes while I sit with him through it. We also said we would play a game together one night a week.

 

So let's see how that goes. He also has mentioned (and we have done that some) that he'd like to cook together more often - that's kind of hard to do since my kitchen is always a mess but I can try harder with that I guess. I think on Sunday's I need some time to myself to get organized for the week and clean etc.

 

We've also discussed about how we both dream of our lives together and that we should plan/talk about our future together. Strangely neither of us really knows if we want kids or not (which probably means we may not have them I guess?)

 

I'm sorry if anyone asked or wrote something and I didn't get to respond. I just feel so tired these days. Part of that is physical (long work hours and bad diet) part of it is emotional, lot of stress.

[Applewhite]

What I mean by this is that I have some insecurities I am dealing with that create emotions based not necessarily on facts but feelings that have no logical reasoning behind them. Not sure if that makes sense. So I am trying to be objective about which of my concerns are real and which arise from my own insecurities and not because of any wrong doing or lack of x/y/z from my boyfriend. Does that make more sense?

[notalady]

It's good that you agreed on some shared activities. I love cooking with my boyfriend, it's good to know that you can work as a team in the kitchen.

 

In terms of being objective, I find you write contradictory things quite often. It might be helpful to write down facts just for your own benefit, so you can look at it collectively once you've calmed down. Like, he did abc or he did not do xyz. Things that make you feel good and things that make you feel not so good.

 

And I suggest taking more action at the time instead of wishing or crying about it later. For example when you said you sat on the couch watching tv, you wished he'd hugged you. Why didn't you just ask him for hugs since he gives it out so freely? I'm kind of confused why something that should happen so naturally didn't, and you sat there wishing about it.

[Applewhite]

It's good that you agreed on some shared activities. I love cooking with my boyfriend, it's good to know that you can work as a team in the kitchen.

 

In terms of being objective, I find you write contradictory things quite often. It might be helpful to write down facts just for your own benefit, so you can look at it collectively once you've calmed down. Like, he did abc or he did not do xyz. Things that make you feel good and things that make you feel not so good.

 

And I suggest taking more action at the time instead of wishing or crying about it later. For example when you said you sat on the couch watching tv, you wished he'd hugged you. Why didn't you just ask him for hugs since he gives it out so freely? I'm kind of confused why something that should happen so naturally didn't, and you sat there wishing about it.

Good question, I have no idea.

[Naomi99]

I know why. Because it's much more meaningful when he does it out of his own accord without her prompting.

[Applewhite]

I know why. Because it's much more meaningful when he does it out of his own accord without her prompting.

But he's asked me before. If I sit in my own corner on the couch he looks at me in a pouty way and says: are you going to sit *there*? It's cute.

 

I think rational or not part of the reason is that I'm afraid that any physical request from me may be rejected, and that makes me not ask.

[notalady]

But he's asked me before. If I sit in my own corner on the couch he looks at me in a pouty way and says: are you going to sit *there*? It's cute.

 

I think rational or not part of the reason is that I'm afraid that any physical request from me may be rejected, and that makes me not ask.

 

Has he ever rejected your request for physical contact other than sex?

[Applewhite]

Has he ever rejected your request for physical contact other than sex?

Not really

 

(Except for one time I wanted to cuddle in bed but I think he misunderstood that I wanted sex)

[notalady]

Not really

 

(Except for one time I wanted to cuddle in bed but I think he misunderstood that I wanted sex)

 

How many times did he reject you for sex, including misunderstanding where you weren't actually initiating sex?

[Batya33]

But he's asked me before. If I sit in my own corner on the couch he looks at me in a pouty way and says: are you going to sit *there*? It's cute.

 

I think rational or not part of the reason is that I'm afraid that any physical request from me may be rejected, and that makes me not ask.

 

Rational or not, then why would you want to be with a person where you felt that way let alone marry him/get more serious?

[Applewhite]

How many times did he reject you for sex, including misunderstanding where you weren't actually initiating sex?

3 I think...

[Applewhite]

Rational or not, then why would you want to be with a person where you felt that way let alone marry him/get more serious?

Because I don't know whether this fear of rejection originates from my insecurities.

 

Because he is affectionate with me. He hugs me, talks to me, asks me about my day.

 

Because he helps me with this GS he doesn't have to, just to make my life easier.

 

Because he tells me he loves me, even when I'm angry and can't say it back at that moment.

 

Because of something bothers me and I tell him, he promises to not do it and sticks to it.

 

Because I've never been more attracted to anyone else.

 

Because I feel good when I just hear him talk.

 

Because he will play/learn boardgames with me, just because I like it.

 

Because he asks me if I want water and he knows that's all I'll drink.

 

Because he is so smart, and has the same political views as me

 

Because he loves animals like I do

 

Because sometimes he will do something he doesn't want to just to make me happy

 

Because when he's happy or sad about something I know I'm the first person he comes to

 

Because he will hug me tight at night and not let go till morning

 

Because he play wrestles me, just because she knows I enjoy it

 

Because he likes cooking meals with/for me and I feel like a family when we do that

 

I like sleeping with him in the same bed and when we do it feels like family

 

Because I know he would take care of me, if something broke he would fix it etc

 

Because when he is sick I feel so bad and I want to be there to take care of him, more than I've ever wanted to take care of anyone

 

Because even though his libido is less than mine he will make an effort to have sex just because he thinks I want to (which under those circumstances I don't, but his intentions are good)

 

Because while his food selections are extremely bland and limited, if I want him to try something he will at least try it, just for me

 

Because I can see that he is trying to change his life for the better to build a life with me

 

Because I have to go to work but I still want to stay here and think of/ type reasons!

[Batya33]

So if it is from your own insecurities -which means this would happen in every relationship -and you say you want marriage and family -what are you doing to address your obstacle/challenge?

 

It's great to write out positive reasons you are with someone. There are some who are huge advocates of writing pros/cons lists of being with someone and others believe that when there is a foundation of security and rightness the things you listed sure do help when the going gets rough or there are challenges but are of limited value in deciding whether this is a forever relationship. I've been on both sides. For me personally, the latter approach resonated more for me and the former approach was one I took at age 23 shortly after getting engaged to Mr. Right on Paper. Not saying anything about your relationship -in context, when you type out a list like that - it smacks a bit of your trying to convince yourself that this is right. If the rest of the thread did not exist and you simply posted the post above I would have a different view as in "how sweet that she's listing all the positive qualities of her boyfriend and relationship!"

[Applewhite]

So if it is from your own insecurities -which means this would happen in every relationship -and you say you want marriage and family -what are you doing to address your obstacle/challenge?

 

It's great to write out positive reasons you are with someone. There are some who are huge advocates of writing pros/cons lists of being with someone and others believe that when there is a foundation of security and rightness the things you listed sure do help when the going gets rough or there are challenges but are of limited value in deciding whether this is a forever relationship. I've been on both sides. For me personally, the latter approach resonated more for me and the former approach was one I took at age 23 shortly after getting engaged to Mr. Right on Paper. Not saying anything about your relationship -in context, when you type out a list like that - it smacks a bit of your trying to convince yourself that this is right. If the rest of the thread did not exist and you simply posted the post above I would have a different view as in "how sweet that she's listing all the positive qualities of her boyfriend and relationship!"

I listed them because you asked.

[Batya33]

I listed them because you asked.

 

Oh I see -you interpreted my question to mean to list the positive aspects. That's one way to look at it. So, sometimes red flags are balanced out by positive stuff, sure and sometimes the red flag is so burning red it doesn't matter about the other positive stuff as in, for example only "he beats me once a week when he's drunk but he also (list positive stuff).

[Applewhite]

Anyway I think the best thing is to take it day by day and see what happens.

 

For now overall I would say the quality of life for me has increased since I'm in a relationship with him. Mainly I do feel loved.

 

I think and worry a lot. This is my general mood not just in relation to him.

 

I'm just trying to make sure I do the right thing.

 

I wish I had some energy to clean the kitchen . I feel so tired all the time. Gotta eat less carbs

[Batya33]

What helped me improve my energy level: drinking much more water, making sure I get enough sleep and keep to a consistent sleep schedule, and even though I exercise daily, when I do move around during the day (which I do often as a mom) I do it with as much energy as I can - sitting around makes me tired, moving energizes me.

 

As far as relationships -day by day and live in the moment is great. If you have long term goals in general then you have to balance that with evaluating how you're doing with reaching those goals and to resist using the "live in the moment" as an excuse to avoid signs of long term incompatibility.

[Applewhite]

Another thing to add. I could literally see the happiness on his face and in his reaction when I first called him "babe".

 

And more recently he says to me things like "yes my love". And I hide it but it makes me so happy.

[Naomi99]

I breezed through the last five pages and still don't quite understand the problem. You feel sad because he isn't as sexual as you would like him to be?