Another online daing journal

[Fudgie]

It's really dependent on the group of people. I think people who have similar experiences tend to group together. My family and long friends of my family have no to very fee divorces. People married once and stayed married. Likewise, I've come into groups of people at work where pretty much everyone has been divorced or separated, or everyone has been cheated on/cheating themselves. Like I said, like attracts like.

 

Most of my friends my age are perpetually single, usually virgins, male or female. At my age, that's certainly not indicative of the population, just so happens that that's who is in my life. I know many people my age are having kids but I only have 1 young mom who I would consider a friend.

[Sportster2005]

T

 

In real life he was immensely insecure. In bed, he was intensely intoxicating and confident. It probably explains why we had such a great physical connection. My entire life I've been the middle of the road girl, sexually speaking. (I scratch your itch, you scratch mine) Neither one extreme or another. But with S, it was off the charts. I wanted that intoxicating S, but not the insecure S.

If I honestly ask myself today, if the physical aspect was lacking for us would I be inclined to invest as much effort as is took to maintain a LDR with someone so insecure? Did we have enough going for us outside the bedroom to maintain this? No. I factor all sorts of things in a partner and reasonably good sex life is high on the charts but not THE most important thing.

 

Was S my friend? No. If someone does not trust me and cannot hear me than they are not my friend. If I have to sensor myself in order for the other person to feel safe, then no, you are not my friend.

So in the end when he had a tantrum because I didn't read his mind that he wanted me to initiate sex with him and summed up the entire 8 months saying he felt insecure sexually with me, then I am at a total f'in loss.

 

You won't be the first or last to feel this way. Sex and lust are powerful. Keeping our heads on straight when we are getting rush after rush of chemicals is challenging at best of times.

 

I've asked myself the same questions. And the reality is, I let some women get away with bad behavior I wouldn't otherwise. And it's usually because of intoxicating lust. I don't think it means a person is weak. It happens. That desire and drive ensures survival of the species. It's just part of the human experience. I don't think you should be hard on yourself, if you are, about this.

[superkatnip]

I am relatively new here, but I know that in my relationships, my boundaries are often too squishy when my SO has many traits I respect. I am struggling with that now. Working with therapist on firming them up, , being true to myself and asking for what I need in the relationship. That is a big one for me.

[polaris]

That brutally honest moment tonight, while driving home from my mothers and I am having one of those conversations with S that I will never have.

From day one I was discouraged by S's passiveness and comparing him to M. With his admission of being hurt in the past, I felt safe. It's that wounded bird analogy, that won't fly away with a broken wing.

That and being conflicted with his persona of all his titles, his life experiences and his physical presence. I was very intrigued.

 

In real life he was immensely insecure. In bed, he was intensely intoxicating and confident. It probably explains why we had such a great physical connection. My entire life I've been the middle of the road girl, sexually speaking. (I scratch your itch, you scratch mine) Neither one extreme or another. But with S, it was off the charts. I wanted that intoxicating S, but not the insecure S.

If I honestly ask myself today, if the physical aspect was lacking for us would I be inclined to invest as much effort as is took to maintain a LDR with someone so insecure? Did we have enough going for us outside the bedroom to maintain this? No. I factor all sorts of things in a partner and reasonably good sex life is high on the charts but not THE most important thing.

 

Was S my friend? No. If someone does not trust me and cannot hear me than they are not my friend. If I have to sensor myself in order for the other person to feel safe, then no, you are not my friend.

So in the end when he had a tantrum because I didn't read his mind that he wanted me to initiate sex with him and summed up the entire 8 months saying he felt insecure sexually with me, then I am at a total f'in loss.

 

I've been S in this situation in the past. Exactly as you describe: insecure in the relationship as a whole, wanting a level of reassurance that's just not possible. The sex life was, to her at least, amazing; she was absolutely resolute from the first to the last time we did it that it was way better than anything she'd experienced before. She'd told me about her previous lovers and the things they had done and the things they hadn't, and I made a point of giving her new and hopefully better experiences. If I look back now, I have no reason to think she was lying; I'm pretty sure she was being honest when she said it really was the best in that area. At the time, though, outside of actually having sex my insecurity would focus on what? On how much sex we were having, and the quality of it, and who was initiating it. It sounds ridiculous now, and in many ways it is, but someone on here once said: men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex. A generalisation perhaps, but with a lot of truth. For me, and perhaps for S, sex was a proxy for feeling loved, and "why didn't you initiate sex?" really means "why don't you love me?". Of course, you did love him, and my gf probably did love me, but my insecurity at the time, my need to feel like a victim, drowned out everything else. My gf could have taken a full page ad in a national newspaper stating how great our sex life was, and I would still have convinced myself that she didn't really want to have sex because she didn't really love me, she was just humoring me. The most self-defeating attitude you can ever have in a relationship. There was nothing my gf could have done to rescue that situation, and there was nothing you could have done. Like you, she gave up eventually, for the benefit of both of us. It was the right thing to do. The irony being, of course, that she didn't give up because of the sex, she gave up in spite of the sex, and because of the insecurity.

[reinventmyself]

I admire your vulnerable honesty Polaris

[polaris]

I admire your vulnerable honesty Polaris

 

Thanks, that's kind. I've been on both sides of that type of behaviour, and I know how crazy-making it can be, so I'm happy to be able to give an honest account. From my point of view, I'm just glad I was able to get a decent therapist years ago and recognise the behaviour and learn to manage it.

[WithLove]

Where you be, Revinvent??

[reinventmyself]

Where you be, Revinvent??

 

I just got back from a 10 day trip. . . just now catching up.

I just read about your dating adventures!! You go Girl!

[WithLove]

Ha, thanks!! Looking forward to reading about your adventures, too!!

[reinventmyself]

I just returned from a 10 day trip that was amazing. We were to return Saturday but my friend and I decided to add one last day to visit Bryce Canyon, Utah. (Amazing, bytheway)

 

I am back at work today and wishing I had at least one day to rest, but at least work is still slow and I am just playing catch up.

 

I just reread some of my journal entries. I felt some anxiety on the long ride home yesterday. No doubt coming back to my regular life and without any distractions. It was nice to have the break as well as the anticipation of going kept me from thinking about S too much for close to two weeks.

 

So here I am picking up where I left off. Funny how my little pea brain resists focusing on the reasons we aren't together and in turn missing him and all the good parts. I have go back and remind myself how everything came undone and why. My heart hurt seeing all these vacationing couples and wondering what S would have thought of it all. (damn it)

 

I had naively thought that when I returned, it would be a fresh start and I would put it all behind me. At least that was the plan.

 

The guy I met for lunch a couple weeks ago text me while I was gone and an old boyfriend (I have mentioned) invited me to go to a concert last night. (couldn't go) Even just that little interest that doesn't amount to anything reminds me that I am not out of the game if I choose. I just choose not to. I am so tired of saying goodbye to men in my life. Just writing that makes me a little emotional. I don't know if I can open my heart to anyone anymore. All I associate with it is negative things.

 

Outside of this, I am fine. Just one day at a time. I've got enough things coming my way to keep busy and I just need to adjust to being single and on my own.

 

I do have those moments when I get mad and want to pound my fists and say "Why couldn't you just get your sh** together and deal with those insecurities?! You're a grown a** man, after all, not a child"

But basically it's much like asking a "fish to fly"

I just have to accept it.

[Ms Darcy]

Glad you had a good vacation. Maybe you can try to translate that to home and keep yourself very busy for a while.

[reinventmyself]

I saw my therapist last night.

My homework since our last visit was to read up on attachment styles. I've read them before in the past and honestly didn't know where I fell.

I could see myself all over the place.

After a much lengthy discussion we came up with ambivalent, which makes sense. I yearn for attachment but once I get it I shy away from it.

Having been in controlling relationships I am afraid of being swallowed up head first.

 

As a young adult I was much more selfless and gave up vital parts of myself to be in a relationship. With the help of therapy and a failed marriage, I learned what I was doing wrong and for quite a while I swung too far to the other side, being hyper vigilant and closed off.

 

Now try to navigate the two, being open and intimate while trying to stay `safe' as a I call it, is exhausting. I am always aware of it to some degree.

 

My mom was closed off. I have no recollection of any connection to her at all. She was basically the domestic engineer in the house.

My dad travelled for work and was mostly a surly bear when home. Every once in great while he was a teddy bear and he adored me.

Those moments were intermittent and few and far between. I relished them.

I turned inward and my brother acted out. He was a nightmare growing up and took a lot of his frustration out on me and my parents didn't intervene appropriately.

 

 

Because of this I tend to tolerate too much waiting for those intermittent good moments in relationship.

 

I've worked on that `family of origin' stuff in therapy so much I could spit. I moaned about going over it again.

But it still makes me sad and angry.

I found myself saying that I hide that little girl that didn't get any attention from my relationships now. It's that little girl men take advantage of.

The goal is to honor her and allow her to need. But I feel she's so needy that she'll get hurt, so I hide her.

 

S appears to have an insecure attachment style. The most common paired couples are insecure and ambivalent.

But if I am in the company of an ambivalent man (my dad) I switch over to having an insecure attachment style.

Interesting as I look back to those ambivalent men in my life, they triggered enough anxiety in me, I didn't stick around.

No coincidence I suppose that S didn't stick around.

 

I mentioned seeing that S was brave enough to leave, then really who's the insecure one?

He said he didn't see S leaving as brave, but rather more manipulative. 'you didn't want to play by his rules, so he took his ball and left'

 

I left exhausted with him saying there is another component of this dynamic I am missing. I have no idea what he meant by that.

It's kinda cryptic, but if it's the puzzle piece I am missing. .I need to know what it is.

[reinventmyself]

The guy I had lunch with a couple weeks ago asked me to meet him for a drink tonight.

I have a way of justifying it as `not a date' and just catching up with a friend. Pretty innocent, right?

Yah. .and I am lying to myself. That's maybe my intention but I can assume not his.

 

I wake up this morning and I want to cancel. That combined with a couple gf's going out for dinner because one of them is moving out of state next week.

I'd much rather see them.

This is typically how it has started in the past. I go out with someone and before you know it I am in a relationship.

He's nice. I don't feel that spark. But I doubt I would feel that spark with anyone right now.

I have dated men that I didn't feel that amazing chemistry and it ultimately turned into something meaningful.

 

It was nice to have those butterfly feelings when I first dated S. It had been a while since

IF I return to dating I want to hold out for that again.

Those weak knee moments are few and far between though.

 

I'm rambling and I need to call him and cancel but I am stalling.

I am just not ready.

[WithLove]

I don't think a drink would hurt. Maybe you can use it to compare how you're feeling now compared to how you were then.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think a drink would hurt. Maybe you can use it to compare how you're feeling now compared to how you were then.

 

Not sure what you meant about comparing the now and then part?

[WithLove]

I meant how you were feeling when you went out a few weeks ago to how you're feeling now that you've had a vacation and spoken with your therapist.

[reinventmyself]

I feel better but not interested in dating. Feeling that investing more time in my friendships and working in myself is a priority.

I don't like the feeling that if I dig down deep enough I feel a little fear. Best way I can explain it. . . .Sucks.

[reinventmyself]

. .I just cancelled.

Going with my friends instead.

[reinventmyself]

Giving this more thought than it deserves . . .but

I am pretty sure this guy is dating someone. I don't really care.

This will be third mid-week invitation and he's silent on weekends. We live a couple blocks from each other.

It just occurred to me when I was cancelling yesterday that I haven't yet had a weekend request.

One can assume he's not alone on weekends. We are fb friends and I can see he's doing date like things on weekends.

 

I don't care for the fact that I feel he's trying me on for size in between times and making choices.

Funny, I would encourage most people to do so if they aren't exclusive. . but I don't care to be on the other side. At least not right now.

He may not be exclusive with anyone but he's apparently not available on weekends. hmmmm

It just reinforces my decision to not go out with him anyway.

[reinventmyself]

So, it's been a couple weeks of non stop social activities and vacation and here I am alone on a Saturday morning and the grief is nipping at my heels. I pushed it away all morning knowing that feeling sorry for myself isn't healthy. What happened to that independent girl who loved her solitude at times? I don't know where she went or how to find her anymore.

My son comes home from work this morning. We visit and catch up for 30 min's and he's off to go see his girlfriend. I stand in the kitchen and watching him cross the patio and walk out the gate and I start to cry.

I feel so pathetic. I guess it's symbolic in way. I feel so needy and watching someone just walking away strikes that nerve.

I can call a friend right now. She offered to spend the day riding bikes on the beach and watching the volleyball tournament. But I don't. I haven't spent a minute alone in almost 2 weeks and I need to just sit still sometimes. I'm exhausted. I was out late last night and didn't sleep well.

Practicing being alone is such complex thing to do. I used to be good at it. Just not now.

I hate being me sometimes

[Realitynut]

It's always easier to tell others to 'suck it up' when you have someone. It's easy to be independent when you know you HAVE a bf...even if it's not daily. YOU KNOW he'll be there on the weekend....or when you want to do something. It's easy to tell other's to be independent when they can relax knowing hey...I got a guy...but I"M INDEPENDENT I don't NEED a man. (but funny they have one!) heard that until my ears were bleeding.

 

 

 

For those that don't have anyone to talk to, to be with, to love and to hold.....knowing that someone cares for you....that every damn weekend is going to be lonely.....that's the people that come on here crying out of loneliness.

 

And then those that are in a relationship....or married for umpteen years, can spew forth their dialog of wisdom on loving yourself....you don't need a man...mantra.

 

Dang I hate weekends.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, there's something to be said about appreciating time to yourself when you are in a relationship. It's a different view outside of one when you realize there is noone to reach out to.

 

I got a pedicure today. From there a hair appt. I brought a book with me and read while eating sushi alone.

My friend just got off work and we're going to the movies.

I just need to learn to live in the moment more and not look so far ahead.

This morning I was certain today would be miserable, but despite its bumpy start, all in all its good.

[faraday]

It's always easier to tell others to 'suck it up' when you have someone. It's easy to be independent when you know you HAVE a bf...even if it's not daily. YOU KNOW he'll be there on the weekend....or when you want to do something. It's easy to tell other's to be independent when they can relax knowing hey...I got a guy...but I"M INDEPENDENT I don't NEED a man. (but funny they have one!) heard that until my ears were bleeding.

 

 

 

For those that don't have anyone to talk to, to be with, to love and to hold.....knowing that someone cares for you....that every damn weekend is going to be lonely.....that's the people that come on here crying out of loneliness.

 

And then those that are in a relationship....or married for umpteen years, can spew forth their dialog of wisdom on loving yourself....you don't need a man...mantra.

 

Dang I hate weekends.

 

I guess people could feel sorry for you (general you, being everyone that is single) and say things like, "God, I'm so glad I'm not single anymore. I don't know how you do it. How is life even worth living after x years of being single?" Or "maybe you're single because there's something wrong with you. Have you thought about therapy and antidepressants? Maybe you should get a cat."

 

I mean...how is someone supposed to respond? What would you like someone to say when you say something referencing being single? Are only other single people allowed to comment and people in relationships should just keep quiet?

[Realitynut]

Ummmm....what JJ says.

 

Yes...I would probably say (because I have) I'm so glad i'm not single....I hated the dating scene.

Just keep plugging along....stay up beat...and hopefully some day you'll met someone who enjoys being with you, more than he/she's enjoys being single.

 

(and also....sorry if I'm coming across a little more negative than normal. My mom just died Wed. Visitation today, funeral tomorrow...and bf not as supportive as I'd like!)

[faraday]

Ummmm....what JJ says.

 

Yes...I would probably say (because I have) I'm so glad i'm not single....I hated the dating scene.

Just keep plugging along....stay up beat...and hopefully some day you'll met someone who enjoys being with you, more than he/she's enjoys being single.

 

(and also....sorry if I'm coming across a little more negative than normal. My mom just died Wed. Visitation today, funeral tomorrow...and bf not as supportive as I'd like!)

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, I didn't know. Big hugs to you, you're in my thoughts.