New Journal

[itsallgrand]

It's so strange how even if you know better, during difficult times we can still fall in the same old traps. I know better, I know not to run myself dry because it starts a chain reaction of things. And I've tried to help support friends who tend to put themselves last, to let them know it's ok to put into yourself, that it's necessary.

It's soo challenging to balance that and do that right now myself. I want to do everything I can for her, be there all the time. I feel stress when I do and when I don't take breaks. I feel bad to even have a shower or sleep.

I think I do need a little help myself right now. There's still a long ways to go. I can't be silly

[Silverbirch]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now IAL.

[faraday]

When people are over...that's the time to go shower or take a nap. It's allowed. They won't think you're being a bad host- they're there for you and your mom. Don't feel bad- just go do something for you. When people call and say "let me know if there's anything I can do" say "yes, can you please pick up these things at the store" or "yes, can you come over and hang out with mom while I shower" or whatever. I know you're worried about imposing, but you're not. People want to help, they don't know how. Ask for what you need. I wish we lived closer, I'd back you up.

 

Try to get an hour or two of time today for yourself. It's not really even for you- it's to keep you going longer for your mom.

 

You're going so good IAG, you're strong, and you're so brave. So much respect to you xo

[itsallgrand]

Thank you. I'm going to try and take that advice. It makes good sense. And thank you for the support, Silver and Faraday.

 

Yesterday and this morning mom has been on an upswing after quite a few bad days. I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. We know it's going to be up and down, and at some point just down. But I'm so happy that's not yet. We were able to sit and chat yesterday, it was so nice. She was feeling well enough to laugh. It really boosted all of our spirits and now she can recharge.

[itsallgrand]

Today was a pretty good day. Mom was sleepy but lucid, and her pain fully managed today. She's settled in for the night and snoring - getting some good sleep! I'm enjoying my sleepy time tea. Mom and I have had this ritual of sharing tea before bed since as long as I can remember. She always uses the fancy cup her mother gave her. It was a ritual for her and my grandmother as well. Even in the hospital, she used that cup.

 

The fridge got fixed today so I no longer have the hassle of frozen food from the porch. I had time to wash all the basement bedding and to go through papers.

 

I'm going to relax and have a sleep now.

[itsallgrand]

I had a bath today. First bath in months, instead of a quick shower.

Yesterday I took a few hours to go to my therapist appointment. It was needed and helpful. Got to talk about self care, balance, relationship dynamics.

Trying to tweak how I do things.

[faraday]

I had a bath today. First bath in months, instead of a quick shower.

Yesterday I took a few hours to go to my therapist appointment. It was needed and helpful. Got to talk about self care, balance, relationship dynamics.

Trying to tweak how I do things.

 

[itsallgrand]

Thanks faraday! I'm glad too. I needed a bit of an adjustment, as I was getting sucked in to the classic set up for burn out.

Hopefully I can keep myself more in check now. The talk with my therapist helped immensely. To give me perspective, and to check in with myself.

[Seraphim]

I am glad you are starting to do some self care.❤️

[itsallgrand]

My heart breaks every day. Today has been really hard. She doesn't want to see anyone anymore. She's having more and more signs of wanting to let go. Today she told me she doesn't want to fight anymore. She's just too tired. It crushed me inside. But it's not about me, it's about her. I told her not to worry. That I love her so so much. I'm here for you no matter what. She just squeezed my hand. She doesn't want to fight it anymore.

 

When her partner gets home, I'll go downstairs and have my cry. I'll talk on the phone with my boyfriend, the man who has stood by me and who has made so many trips to just cuddle me and bring food to make sure I am eating ( often without me asking, it's still hard for me to ask as much reassurance that I get that it's ok). And I'll try and wrap my head and heart (more heart) around this next phase of my mom dying. The letting go and supporting her in that choice, making it as comfortable as possible.

 

Today is challenging

[Seraphim]

I am sorry sweetie. Hugs.

[itsallgrand]

I'll take hugs. Thank you Vic .

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry I have no words of wisdom but you are in my heart.

[IAmFCA]

The intimacy you have maintained during this time is beautiful and brave. You have been a great gift to your mom, and a comfort.

[faraday]

I have struggled to reply your post because it's the thing I try not to think about- my greatest fear with my mom. It hits so close to home.

 

When she was really weak with chemo, I told her when she got really tired and really scared...that she didn't need to tell me all things she thinks I don't know. That she loves us. That it's okay. That we'll be okay. I told her that I know she never got over her parents dying but every year the throbbing hurts a bit less (even though that emptiness never fills), and that I know she doesn't want us to hurt...but we will, and we'll miss her everyday but we'll get through it. I told her not to worry...and that I'd take care of dad and my brother and Tine...that I'd always remember her and tell stories to Tine so she doesn't forget. That I'll visit my brother everyday after to make sure he's getting out of bed...because I know she worries about him the most. I promised her that I would take care of her beloved cat...she loves him so much, and I promised her that if dad wasn't spoiling him all the time, I'd take him and make sure he always has blankets to cuddle under at night, and someone to play with everyday.

 

I told her not to worry about saying those things because I know them already. I told her I'll do my best to keep us all together...she is the glue right now.

 

Things I can't say...my brother will fall off the face of the earth when mom dies and I'll probably only see him at Christmas. Dad will move away. He'll go traveling and eventually sell the house and we'll have to go visit him if we want to see him.

 

Things will never be the same. I'm so sorry that it's so close IAG, I'm so sorry You're doing an amazing job right now...you're giving her a great gift. Hug her, and lay next to her and tell her that you guys will be okay and not to be scared.

 

I'll be thinking about you all day today IAG. I hope you find some peace today.

[IAmFCA]

My mom also was the glue, and in her cancer years she taught me how to let go. We visited her former home, where she lived when she met my father, and standing right there in front of it, it meant nothing. She held my new baby, and it made her smile. (My children miss her smell - interesting pack animals we are). Mom held this infant and loved her but in sort of a detached way. When she decided to stop the fight, she said the pain was too much. And, that she wanted to see her mother.

 

I've never forgotten that, how she wanted to be comforted, to connect with home. How could I want anything different for her?

 

Quite against her intentions, my mom changed my thoughts forever on what I want from a husband. She served all of us. We were devoted to her. But did any of us get to that place where we held her in the net of our love? I don't think so, and I don't think we could have.

 

I read your posts IAG and you give that to your mom. It really is beautiful.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you so much for sharing. It's comforting reading other people talking about it. It helps. I've been crying so much today. I won't be posting much for a while. I'll be spending this precious time left with mom , and with family. I'll read because it helps. So if anyone wants to share more here, it's more than welcome.

I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. For your warmth, your kindness, your willingness to share about this. It really does touch my heart that you'd take time out of your own lives to reach out.

I'll never forget it. Thank you

[faraday]

Hey IAG,

 

I know you're not responding for a bit- do what you need to do...but I know how it does help to know that people are thinking about you and rallying behind you...and I wanted you to know that we are. We're thinking about you, and we're thinking about your mom...and we're sending you guys positive and peaceful vibes. I hope today is calm and you get to have some quality time with your mom.

 

I know this is hard. You're so strong...so much stronger than you think...and you will get through this. You are an amazing, brave woman...and one day you'll be glad that you did this and grateful for this time with her.

 

One day at a time.

 

Although...days are long...sometimes it's easier to go hour by hour. Xoxo

[tiredofvampires]

HUGE HUGS, IAG!! ((( )))

 

I know this is such a hard time. It's such a major transition. I'm sure you're letting her know that she is free to go...sometimes, that is the reason people cling on. They really don't know if it's okay to leave. And even if in your heart right now, you feel unsteady, that you might not be okay for a while...you ARE going to be okay, as you go forth and cultivate a more subtle kind of connection with your mom, which will last the rest of your life. So the best thing you can do is just what you are...reassuring her that you will be fine, and knowing that it is the truth.

 

I wish you strength and peace, even though you're sad. You've done well by her, and she has fought valiantly. This is not a surrender...this is freedom, and a journey for her that is hers to own.

 

MORE HUGS. ((( )))

[faraday]

Hey IAG,

 

I'm don't really know what to say...but I've been thinking about you. I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're able to get a bit of you time every day...keeps moods a bit more stable. I hope your mom isn't in pain, and that she's feeling alright.

[itsallgrand]

Mom passed away Tuesday morning in her sleep. She had me by her side holding her hand. She was not in any pain. She was not alone. We took turns sleeping beside her with the couch pulled up right beside her bed in the living room every night since she came home. The last few nights I slept beside her. She took a fast decline in the last few days. It was very difficult. Too much for her partner and my brother. She was not in pain, she just was slipping away and not lucid with us anymore. She had made up her mind and my mom was a very strong willed woman. She left on her terms.

I feel so proud of my mom. She fought so hard. She showed so much bravery, strength, love, compassion for others even when she was going through so much herself.

I'm typing through tears. I miss her so much already. The house feels so strange. The community has, is, showing so much support and love. My mom was very well loved. She knew everybody. Small community and we all grew up here. I'm glad to be home now, to be surrounded by people who know and love mom. And us.

 

It's just day by day right now. Hour by hour. We have the final bits of her service to finish, yet we managed somehow to get most of it done it already. She chose someone who I went to school with as her funeral director. He knew mom. I can tell you it makes a big difference having someone you know take your hand and handle the hard parts, to say "IAG, here's my personal cell number, call for anything". Big difference than other experiences I've had. It's things like this, mom knew what she was doing and was more prepared for this than she ever let on.

 

I'm so terribly sad. There is so much love though and support. Somehow, we will get through it. Life will never be the same. And yet, this love and bond is never going to go away, it's for the rest of my life, that was the gift she gave me.

[faraday]

Oh AIG, I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss for words, but my heart goes out to you. You are such a strong person...I'm so proud of you for how you handled her care...and her passing, with so much love and compassion. You're an inspiration.

 

We're here for you. Write when you need to...don't if you don't. We're all thinking of you and rallying behind you. You did right by your mom.

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry sweetheart.

[Cheetarah]

I am so sorry IAG (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

[notalady]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum IAG..I'm glad she left peacefully in her sleep. And I'm glad you got to spend time with her in her final days.

 

Big hugs for you!