New Journal

[faraday]

How have things been now that you're back at work?

 

Do you have more therapy appointments scheduled?

 

I hope you're doing self care...taking baths, going to the gym (or getting some kind of physical outlet)...and eating things that are nourishing.

 

Politics are very polarizing right now. It's weird, there are sides like there never has been before...even here in canada. It would be tough right now to not agree with your partner on politics...especially because so much of it right now is about human rights. My dad and I have always disagreed on politics, and it was never a big deal. We joked about it. But lately...with his blind following of Fox News, I'm finding it hard to joke about. It feels personal...like he's against me. Like he thinks less of minorities, less of women, less of the LGBT community...every time he voices support for the other side, it feels like an affront to who I am. And that sucks so much.

 

Hopefully it's not that extreme with your bf...but yeah....maybe avoid politics for a while lol.

[itsallgrand]

It's funny you say that. About feeling like he is against you ( your dad when he says some of his political opinions). That iss exactly what I felt. And it is what he felt when we had that argument. That's not a nice way to feel, especially with the one you love. And especially with what we have been through. We are usually that soft place to fall for each other. And in that moment we were not. That's what was so upsetting.

For the most part, though our political views sometimes differ, our main values are the same. That's always been our backbone. Because of that, we are showing each other extra love now to remind ourselves of it. To heal that little wound - and oddly, it felt like that.

I won't lie though. It scared me. Him too. We've done so well through so much stress - it's like it exposed where we are being pulled taunt, the weak spot. And so it's not about the difference in opinion viewpoint - it's where we differ as indivuals, and the limits to our compatibility. We are compatible in many ways, it's strong, but it has its soft spots too.

What I can be grateful for is our love and both of us seeing this as a learning opportunity.

Both of us being quite strong willed, opinionated, and political - we just have to be sensitive to each other's hot buttons in times of stress. We know each other's buttons to a tee. But sometimes less mindful , being human and all.

 

Current politics though are polarizing, like you said. There are a lot of people taking very strong stances and there is a lot of emotion involved. It's also nearly impossible to retreat from - it's everywhere, constant, and on everyone's lips. Even the most casual conversation seems to turn to politics somehow.

My third day at work, and people were talking politics all around me already. Yes at work. It seems to be the norm now, even when buying a coffee.

 

I'm finding that part exhausting - navigating the political climate right now. I'm in mourning still, and sensitive, and craving comfort and kindness - so all the discord isn't attractive ( and it might have been to a me in a different life circumstance).

 

Work was, is, good. Minus the exposure to more politics - but even if I wasn't back, I'd have to hear it anyway.

What was nice - how much people missed me, how many people have tried to show in various ways warmth caring compassion.

There was a fund waiting for me - four hundred dollars , collected just to help me with bills and costs. It's something we do at work for everybody but it did mean a lot - made me glad I contribute, as it really is a good thing.

 

Cried a lot this evening. Self care tonight is not forcing myself to go out, which I was going to meet for a drink. But even one booze drink isn't good for me right now. I learned that watching others, don't drink when you are sad. It's a bad road. And I always had that fear too that it might run in the blood. I just never chance it.

 

So bath and yoga instead

[itsallgrand]

I'll feel ok for a while. Then slammed with feeling really low. Then ok again for a while. Over and over, this is how it is right now.

I feel older somehow. Like I aged a bunch in this last year. My bro said a similar thing - that he feels old. When he said it, he was having a very tough patch of being sad. And I tried to encourage him, telling him how it's sadness that makes those thoughts seem so big and real. And now here I am having a similar train of thought and feelings. A sense of hopelessness and futility. Of life slipping away, nothing having sense.

Rationally I know , it comes with processing loss. But feelings. They have their own power, and sometimes you just have to muddle through.

 

Lots of work coming up, as the boss is taking time away now that I am back. And next week the bf will be away on a trip for 10 days.

 

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm just sort of hoping I can get over this hump by the time he comes back. I want to be alone. I want him in my life but right now, I feel like I am focking up. I'm not my regular self. He gets it - but it doesn't change it for me. That I feel an urge to reassess everything. Because I'm confused. I'm confused about myself and my life.

 

All he knows is that I am sad and acting out of character. He's supportive, and shows me he loves me all the time. I love him too.

 

I just need to regain my grip, cause it's precarious now. The old me resurfaces sometimes, and that scares me. The one with catastrophic thoughts. Worse case scenarios.

[faraday]

Hey IAG,

 

I couldn't respond before now because I couldn't handle any more emotions...and your post hits close to home and brings up a lot of emotions for me...so it's a tough one.

 

You're right, it is normal to have the ebb and flow of emotions...some days you feel almost numb to them and other days they threaten to drown you. I can completely relate to feeling older. I think a lot of times experience makes us older because it wearies us...we become heavier with the weight of knowledge. Like how children of abuse and alcoholism always seem to have this quiet beyond their years thing going on...I've always been older because of moms drinking...because of moving out at 14...living in shelters and foster homes...it changes you when you don't grow up in a "normal" household. It's like you've seen more of the big picture and...the more you see of it, the older you feel.

 

I'm sorry that you feel like you need to get a handle on all of this before your bf comes back. It's completely understandable...I mean, I know I felt bad for not being happy and fun around Jay...like he deserves to be with old me, not the current sad me...you know, the me that he signed up for....I don't know if you can ever fully go back though. Your heart is different now.

 

Just don't put too much pressure on yourself to be like before...you're dealing with a lot of emotions...and if this makes him bail, he's not the right one. But he sounds like a good one....so trust that he'll have you back He'll love the new you too...because you're wiser, kinder, and more empathetic...and now you have an even greater appreciation for those good moments.

 

At the height of my moms sickness I often felt like...what's the point? We live, we struggle, we struggle more and we die. I think it's depression talking though...keep an eye on that voice saying those things...because that's a voice that is trying to pull you under. Find the light, IAG. Find the reasons that you live for...and focus on those. Not the sad...because there is so much sad in the world...we need to really be joyous as much as possible.

 

Thinking of you. Thank you for posting in my journal, your posts are always a bright spot for me. I feel like we have an understanding...it's neat

[90_hour_sleep]

At the height of my moms sickness I often felt like...what's the point? We live, we struggle, we struggle more and we die. I think it's depression talking though...keep an eye on that voice saying those things...because that's a voice that is trying to pull you under. Find the light, IAG. Find the reasons that you live for...and focus on those. Not the sad...because there is so much sad in the world...we need to really be joyous as much as possible.

 

that's the thought i had too, while reading your last few posts...

 

that voice. an old friend almost. familiar. alluring in its familiarity. it might pull you under...if you let it. if you choose to follow along. there's such beauty in your level of self-awareness though. you're watching these things as they happen. observing. wherever there was no choice in the past...now there's something else. there is a moment when you can choose. maybe today you'll choose to follow the sadness...because it's something you need to sink into...and feel more deeply. but you can choose to come back also. you've climbed out before. that resilience is in you. at some point...you'll make a different choice.

 

you're stronger than you think...

 

you said this last november...

 

I am grateful for a sound mind ( mostly sound).

 

I am grateful for love.

 

I am grateful for friendship. And the ability to appreciate it .

 

I am grateful for my more difficult experiences, what it had taught me about humanity and life, and what I can give.

 

I am grateful to be here posting this.

 

i miss you, friend. lots of love.

[itsallgrand]

Oh you guys. You know, you are absolutely right. I knew I was starting to get sucked in to a negative way of thinking, and I really don't want that, but it was something I let myself sink into somewhat for the last few weeks. I've been making more effort again to make sure that doesn't take over. I really don't want it. I feel like I worked so hard to get past that, to learn my lesson. I think I wasted so much opportunity and time in my life to that way of being - I'm acutely aware of what the concequences of those kind of choices lead to.

 

Thank you so much for the pointing out, the encouragement, the love. Really appreciate it.

 

I'm getting back on track. Making a point of doing things that are positive, and that reflect what I want and who I want to be.

 

I tripped, I made a mistake, but I've gotten back up.

 

Miss you too, 90. Thank you for saying that. It's nice being missed.

[itsallgrand]

Last night I had a therapy appointment. It felt great to talk some things through. We decided on an end date. I've accomplished most of what I set out to do in therapy. We talked about that, and the progress I've made.

 

I felt good today. I had the day off and got a lot done. I got to spend some quality time with bf too.

 

That's all for now.

[Seraphim]

You have done so much with your life always be proud.

[faraday]

What kind of goals did you set in therapy? (If it's too personal to share, no worries...you can also make them generic, or examples if that's less intrusive). I'm curious because I know I need to start a journey and I'm not sure even where to start.

[itsallgrand]

My main goal was to learn skills so that I could break my pattern of emotionally shutting down and closing up from others when experiencing difficult feelings. I wanted to learn better relationship skills.

Then mom got sick, and that created other mini goals , but it all related to that main idea.

[faraday]

You seem to have come pretty far then. I wouldn't have thought you were closed off or shut down..so good work

 

Do you feel like it's changed your relationship with your bf much? If so, does your bf like that you're more open?

 

Sometimes I think Jay wishes I was less in touch with my feelings lol.

[quirky]

Hi IAG,

 

I haven't been here for months but I have just read through your latest entries, so sorry to hear about your mum..I have been astounded - even just by reading - by your strength and warmth. Your posts resonate and touch us all as you are reflecting on loss; before, during and after- a feeling familiar to the human nature. I had tears in my eyes at times reading your entries and comments from others and faraday's thoughts too. You have been through such a difficult time and I can only just send you love and resilience, I really admire how self aware you are and how you attempt to sit with yourself and others during this confusing time.

 

I relate to a lot of the thoughts shared here but for different reasons. I don't have a specific advice because different things work for different people but I understand that grief is circular and like an unseen wound, it comes and goes and it leaves you with a mark. And it's all about riding the waves, some are bigger than the others. Grief and bereavement inevitably touch upon feelings of your own mortality and life purpose - when our parents die it can feel that there's noone else between us and death now. It's a powerful and often unconscious feeling. Apart from feeling orphaned it brings our own life and fears to focus.

 

In broader terms...I work with bereaved clients and even though it is an incredibly difficult experience (probably the most difficult most humans experience) it can also be a fertile ground for meaningful life changes and a renewed sense of identity. It depends on the individual's reflective nature of course. Nevertheless it is a life event like no other in terms of shaking up the foundations of self and life and place in the world. So the whole range of emotions is expected, from despair to elation.

 

How are you today?

[itsallgrand]

Quirky ( hug). Thank you for that. All of it. I hope you are doing well. It's good to see you here.

 

The range of emotions, absolutely. Questioning and reevaluating myself and my life, yes absolutely that too.

 

I want to post more soon. A lot has been going on. I've had my hands full. And I've made some big decisions. Decision making seems simpler these days. Getting things done seems simpler. I've definitely changed. How all exactly is still coming to be. But I feel like I have a broader perspective now than I used to. A clearer sense is developing of what matters to me most and where I want my time to be spent.

 

Thank you for everything guys

[itsallgrand]

I really miss my mom today. I miss our talks on the phone. I miss her laugh, her stories. I miss hugging her. I miss her hands - she had such pretty, delicate hands. I miss her presence. I miss her.

Some days it just hurts more than others. Today is one of them.

[Seraphim]

❤️.... my mother lost her mom when she was 32 I believe. She says it does get easier over time you will always miss your parent forever but it does get a bit easier .

[itsallgrand]

Thank you.

It's hard, really hard, both of my parents being gone.

 

I can only imagine what is like for children who lose both parents. I think about that a lot lately. I lost my dad at 14, and it was devastating. But I had my mom. I had my brother. I had aunts , uncles, cousins.

 

Some people aren't given what I was ever - two parents that loved me. So the hurt, it's mixed with gratitude. Grateful I got to be loved at a young age, and to adulthood.

[Seraphim]

❤

 

Her love is always with you in your heart and your dad's too.

[faraday]

My heart hurts for you, friend. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something to say, and now I'm crying lol. I wish I had words, all I have is tears. I'm sorry that you're hurting today. Just remember her.

 

I'm reading one of the books Tines teacher sent home.

 

20170323/a0cef28d82d7b68909487bf964725420.jpg

[itsallgrand]

What a great book. Children's books , I still like them.

[itsallgrand]

The federal budget ... I can't even. Absolutely depressing.

[itsallgrand]

Instead of barraging poor faradays journal with my troubles, bringing it back here.

I'm finding this hard. It's hard missing her. It's hard dealing with all I've found out while dealing with the estate. It's hard finding empathy for her boyfriend and family sometimes. Knowing now how many of them were receiving money from her, while she got deeper and deeper in debt. It's hard knowing she had that weight on her shoulders, and the lengths she went to to hide it.

When I see his garbage vehicles still on my moms property, when I see how bad he treats the place, it is hard. It makes me angry, because I see it as disrespect. And I see it as disrespect that even now, him knowing there was and is no money to pay for his share, he's still behaving as he did when mom was alive. He had the balls to get angry at my cousin who had loaned a few thousand dollars from my mom and never paid it back, yet he had been living for free off my mom for close to ten years. She worked like a dog. She was working a full time job plus a part time one. Where did the money go? Oh I see. It was more than enough to cover HER expenses. But she wasn't just paying for herself.

All he cares about is that damn farm. It's soaking him, and he's working hard - I give him that- but everything he had went into his farm, his toys, his daughter ( who is an adult who doesn't work). That wouldn't be my business if he didn't do what he did to my mom, and now to my brother and myself. Living off your girlfriends kids for a roof over your head and bills to be paid - because if we don't pay, there's no money there, the house is gone and that's it - they won't care , it's get out .

I used bring him food, I used to cook for him and try and help him out. That was before I knew all this, before he decided hey it's ok to mooch off these buggers because I legally have them in a spot. What the f. Is that a man? And I'm mad at my mom - for allowing that, for allowing someone to profit off her hard work while they put everything into themselves. Not her, and he doesn't seem to care about us- her kids- certainly not in any way that would lead him to act in a protective or caring manner as far as our well being goes in being able to move forward in some positive way out of this very sad loss.

 

I don't get people sometimes. Why so much entitlement in the world? And when did it become acceptable for grown ass people to just coast by on others backs? Those people - naw, I can do the dance when I need to, but you aren't going to be what I call 'friend'. That's fine you don't want to contribute - but then don't go stealing what isn't yours. It's not yours.

[faraday]

I just saw this. I need to think on it a bit before I respond...but you're always allowed to write wherever you like- I get your pain and anger and fear...I'm here for you. I'll write by tomorrow...need to think through what I want to say. Just wanted to let you know- I saw it, and I'm thinking about you.

[Seraphim]

Oh God.... I would be so angry . I can see that your mom had a heart of gold . And people took advantage of that .

[faraday]

I've read your post through 6 times and thought about it a lot, and I'm still thinking wt.h?

 

Your mom really did have a heart of gold. And was apparently blinded by love... if she knew he was taking advantage of her kids, I'd like to think she would be very unimpressed with him.

 

I don't even understand how any of this can happen...how you and your brother could end up owing him. I don't understand how her lawyer isn't giving you more options.

 

IAG, I know you want to follow through with your moms wishes, but now that you see this man- how he took advantage of your mothers kindness- can you stop this from continuing? Is there anyway to evict him?

 

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. It would be really heartbreaking to now see how much your mother sacrificed for him, how much she loved him...and how he's not respecting that enough to reciprocate that kindness back to you now.

[itsallgrand]

I've tried thinking of any way, and so has my lawyer, but it's complicated because of common law and homesteader rights he has. When there is no written common law agreement in situations like this, it defaults to 50/50. He could legally contest for more even. She had a very scant will but it did say she wanted him to have X sum of money. Because of that, he has less of a chance of trying to contest - which of he did, would just mean the house is gone anyways and none of us get anything anyways. So there's that. Legally we can't evict him as he has homesteader rights to stay in the house as long as he wishes - til death, if he wants. So if I were to pay all debt and keep the house, I'd have him living there as a renter if he didn't leave of his own accord - which it's obvious now he isn't leaving until he is forced to. So selling the house and settling debt was the choice I made. But we have to wait.,, it takes a long time for an estate to be settled. In the meantime, we pay and he's living there.

 

Mom did have a heart of gold. She'd give the shirt off her back for anybody. But that's just it - anybody. Could be someone who took advantage of her for years, she'd never change her behaviour towards them. And lots of people took advantage of that. I often felt I had to be 'the bad guy, the biotch' - in that, I was protective of her and it was hard watching that over and over again. And I , and my brother, did sometimes have it be at our expense. She'd give to a stranger, and we'd be scrambling to have something in our house ourselves. I could tell some stories.

 

So any which way, it is gonna suck and take time. I get angry yeah. But mostly just really sad.