New Journal

[itsallgrand]

Thanks!!

 

Happy belated birthday TOV!! 👍🏻😀

[imsuperman]

Glad to hear your mom is doing better. And happy belated b-day!

[itsallgrand]

Thank you, Super! 😀

[Miss Firecracker]

Happy Birthday & congrats on your relationship. I am proud for you.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you Miss F! By the way, it's really good seeing your name pop up around here again.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;C-1mYXVP1Ok] ]

 

Love this.

[Miss Firecracker]

Thank you Miss F! By the way, it's really good seeing your name pop up around here again.

 

Thank you! I can stay away for a long time, but I always have to come see what all you guys are up to.

 

Listening to this kid sing tonight, Aurora. Have you heard her?

[itsallgrand]

No I haven't. I'll check it out!

[itsallgrand]

Ok, I have to get something off my chest. Maybe another woman can help me out if anything comes to mind.

I'm a few days late on my period. It hasn't come yet. I'm stressed out about it.

It happened last month too. I had all the symptoms of my period coming, the bloating fatigue and aches, at the usual time. But it stretched out longer and my period was late and shorter than usual.

This month again, I'm bloated etc and feel like I do when my period is about to come, but it's been dragging on with no period.

Is this because I'm getting older, and my ovulation is waning? Is it because of stress, as with what's going on with mom, it does have an underlying constant sort of stress ?!

My family has a history of early menopause too. My mom went into early menopause at around my age, but, she was dealing with the trauma too of losing her husband and other very stressful life circumstances. Others in my family, as early as early forties they started peri menopause.

 

I just want it to come right now!! There's always that chance too of pregnancy, even with being careful, and I don't use birth control, it's always condoms. And the more days go by, the more my mind has been worrying about it. The thought of pregnancy right now, frankly scares me so much. I don't even want to face it, it's overload right now.

 

I'll see my doctor either way soon to ask questions. But right now, I think I just need some reassurance. My emotions are getting the better of me right now.

 

I wish we could choose our fertility times. Lol that would be so cool.

[IAmFCA]

My vote is stress. Stress has a big impact on timing.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you!! That's what my rational mind says, as it's been happening only since I found out my mom is not well, and seeing her go through chemo. In fact, it's like my period has adjusted to not come until her first week after chemo is done!!

 

Still it's unnerving

[tiredofvampires]

Another vote for stress. (I mean, not voting for stress -- voting for the late factor being due to stress, lol).

 

I've had stress so bad that it caused ovarian cysts to form and rupture for months in a row, and at one point there wasn't even any sign of cysts, just excruciating, crippling pain, as if I had endometriosis. Doctors were scratching their heads, it went on for months, and then it just went away after the immediate crises abated. This happened more than once in my life, but not to that degree, and I think getting older made those symptoms more intense. I think stress + hormonal monthly fluctuations are absolutely intimately linked, but my experience is that getting older, what it takes to tip those scales out of balance gets less. Though the stress you're under is considerable in and of itself.

 

One thing you can do if it keeps happening like this is to get an ovulation predictor kit. A few days before and up to the time of ovulation (or when you expect it), you test your urine for an LH surge -- the hormone that tells the ovary to release the egg. That happens about 1-2 days before ovulation. When that happens, you know ovulation is imminent. It's used for couples trying to conceive mostly, but I have actually used it to know when I am most fertile to AVOID pregnancy, as another tool (since I have never taken birth control pills either, and only used condoms.) It's not cheap though -- those strips cost a bit. And sometimes the strips have been equivocal, but I attribute that to having fewer ovulations in an aging body when I started this.

 

There isn't an exact correlation between ovulation and having periods -- you can have inovulatory periods, where there is no egg, which happens as you get older. So having late periods doesn't necessarily say what's going on with your ovulation trend.

 

If you are under stress, your body knows it can't afford this blood loss, which is an extra physiological stress it decides to table; that's the most likely explanation. As long as the condom doesn't tear, you have a very, very low risk of being pregnant.

[Cheetarah]

Definitely a third for stress. I've always had a problem with prolonged PMS symptoms and delayed periods when my life was not going well.

[itsallgrand]

Ok this helps a lot, thank you so much.

 

It's comforting hearing an explanation and that others have experienced it too. And yes, I do feel like my PMS symptoms are significantly worse. I've felt like poo since this started.

 

That's an interesting idea, TOV, the strips. I might consider that. If only because the idea of pregnancy to me right now is so stressful, I'm worrying even with very low risks involved. And I don't need that on top of things, worrying about having sex, especially since it's such a great stress reliever normally, and somewhere I've never been stressed about, I don't want to be getting neurotic about it.

 

I'm relieved to hear you can't tell fertility by ovulation changes like this. Last time I was at my doctor, he had told me everything was functioning and looking just fine, which I was happy about, to know the possibility was still there.

[itsallgrand]

I'm really sorry too TOV that you went through what you did. That must have been scary. I'm grateful you are here to pass on some insight to me.

I don't really have many I can talk to about these kinds of things. Those I can, are often as clueless as me.

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks...yes, it WAS scary. It was especially scary because it couldn't be determined what was causing it (without doing invasive surgery that I knew would only traumatize me more), and since my older sister had endometriosis while I was spared, there was suspicion I was now manifesting symptoms, even though it's extremely rare for it to suddenly appear later in the fertile years. It was fetal-position agonizing, and I was given a glimpse of the pain other women go through with this, month after month, year after year...it is by a grace that it receded as mysteriously as it came on.

 

Glad you are feeling reassured. I'm really sure that this is just a phase, and that you have good years ahead of you if you want them, for fertility.

[itsallgrand]

It finally arrived!! I've never been so happy to get my period in my life. Relieved, but so tired!

It had to be the stress. Thank you for getting me through it. Yesterday I had my first day off in quite a while, spent the daytime having fun. And then this morning at work, finally here!!

 

It's a good thing I'm not religious cause I was getting ready to make promises to the universe if this wish was granted.

[itsallgrand]

Spent the afternoon and into the evening celebrating National Aboriginal Day at the major tourist/gathering spot in the city. There were a few pow wows going on. The bf and I ended up staying for a full one and it was really fun. I got brought up to dance - my first dance in a pow wow. That was pretty awesome. There was a tribute dance for a new two spirited dancer which moved me to tears. It felt especially poignant to me because of the time- after the shootings. But simply the fact that two spirited people have a place and honour- I do feel the difference, it felt very right to me and comforting. There was also many fun dances, and a tribute for veterans, and a dance to honour a family whose child is dying of cancer. The community all can go up to show support, and I did, and of course that hit me too in the heart. There is something to being surrounded by community support- today just reminded me of it. It's a day about culture but something more basic too- showing support , period. The right everyone has to their humanity. I am excited for this next phase of my country's history. It was funny too ... Some tourists beside me were from France, and we're really interested in the history of people here. It was just funny. I felt so at home today, it was ridiculous. Epic win .

[tiredofvampires]

What happens at a pow wow, IAG? What's it like? It's something I'm really interested in, but haven't had the opportunity...yet...

[itsallgrand]

Hmm, well it varies. There's pow wows for various occasions, and it depends on what nation(s) are involved. But every one I have personally been to has similarities too. It's basically a social gathering. There is always dancing. There is always at least one drum and a singer, but a lot of times more. There's always a speaker- like an MC- who lets you know who is dancing and what for, and introduces people who may speak and ties it all together. There's usually food, sometimes booths but not always.

 

If you watch a few videos you can get a basic idea. I feel like my explanation is incomplete for sure, but to give a general idea.

[itsallgrand]

I'm watching fireworks out by a field. By myself. I have to get up very early tomorrow, and didn't plan on celebrating Canada day tonight. The bf and my friends are out, and I bowed out of this one. Spent so much time celebrating and having amazing days out lately, I don't mind one bit. Plus this night has special significance for me, the day is emotional no matter how many years pass, and I just really do prefer being alone tonight. I ate some half baked ice cream today, drank cappuccinos, and spoiled myself rotten. I periodically burst into tears, but the pain was mixed with so much gratefulness, it's not bad cries at all.

I'm gratefully to have had so much love in my life. This night, the fireworks, takes me back to losing my dad, all the trauma my family went through, all the pain of coming so close to losing my brother, all the things he had to go through at such a young age. It takes me back to living without a real home for a while as a teen, the hospitals, the being witness to so many horrible things I had been insulated from up until that point in my life.

I see these fireworks and remember all the struggles I've had trying to adjust as a person, reconciling everything in my head and heart and body. The untold hours of living with anxieties, night mares, flashbacks, and a general sense of overwhelm with life, my emotions, my ability to feel peace and like a whole capable person again. I felt deficient for a long time, ashamed. Because of pain, and not having the resources to manage it.

 

I'm grateful for now, being at a place where I can go out to celebrations and not feel panic or terror. I can enjoy them, as 'normal' people do. I can look forward to them, embrace them, take joy in them. And I do... I savour every bit of fun and joy there is to be had. Almost like a child. In wonder at it- can you believe how great this is? How much there is to experience, just for the experience, just as part of living to the full, just for fun and because it feels so good!?

 

I'm grateful my brother got to grow up, and I've got to share all these years with him. That I get the experience of having my bro into adulthood, and to share a bond that goes beyond that but genuine friendship.

 

I'm grateful for having this chance at being in love again, a new kind of love, with someone who is not only amazing as a love, but as my friend. Someone who stirs up my deepest yearnings, and who supports me, and who makes facing my relationship fears a no brainer- I do because to not would be something I deeply regret, the idea of not trying my damnest in learning better than I have is just not a real option. I've reached and learned so much already - I'm excited over and over of what comes next in our journey together. I'm grateful I made the choice to give it a chance and be real and vulnerable.

 

I'm grateful for friends. And for being able to enjoy them and be there for them. I love this part of my life. I'm grateful my issues no longer prevent me from engaging people in a more open way.

 

I'm grateful for my mom. All she's given me, having her in my life, our time together still. Grateful I can make the most of it and be there for her . I'm grateful she gets to see me at a happy place in my life .

 

And so much more. The fire works are beautiful. I'm not shaken by them. And I know tonight I'll sleep well and content. Like most of my nights these days. I'm soo grateful for that too. Life is totally different well rested, at a general ease. And I know the flip side. Does it help me appreciate it more? Maybe. Or maybe I've been saving up my joy for so long, it's just got catching up to do in coming out.

 

Tomorrow I'll celebrate with waffles and fresh strawberries and real maple syrup and good coffee beans. I think I deserve to continue celebrating every little thing to the best of my ability ! And I want to celebrate finding peace in this night. I'm really truly more than ok. I'm happy. And yes, it's f ing awesome.

[faraday]

Reading your last post was like...a mirror of myself. Very unstable and chaotic teenage years...a little brother in crisis...we weren't sure if he'd make it. And now, able to look back on it in awe and be thankful for making it through without more internal damage....and being able to let things go enough to get to the point of being content.

 

I will forgive, I will let go...but I doubt I'll forget.

[quirky]

That was so beautiful to read..((hug))

[itsallgrand]

For posterity. I'm a bit more than drunk in the evening. Out drinking craft beers, Alice in chains playing, I tip over 20%. Whatever's, I work bloody hard and over 6 days a week.

[IAmFCA]

For posterity. I'm a bit more than drunk in the evening. Out drinking craft beers, Alice in chains playing, I tip over 20%. Whatever's, I work bloody hard and over 6 days a week.

 

I am joining you next time.