New Journal

[itsallgrand]

I'm so excited.. Tomorrow will be out at the lake and a night of camping! I've been wanting this all summer. Have only managed the beach or a day out here and there. Other things keep popping up that are important.

But tomorrow morning, rain or shine, no matter what except an extreme emergency, we are going.

I'm packing some stuff up now, just one night so travelling super light. But yay!!

Nothing is better than sitting out at the lake, swimming, hiking around, waking up to the sun and quiet. I love it, it's my happy place.❤️

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, that sounds SO beautiful....I hope you have a wonderful time.

 

I've been dreaming of swimming in freshwater lakes for a long time now...aren't they pretty cold where you are? Especially now with fall approaching?

[itsallgrand]

They will be a little chilly, TOV, but not enough to keep me out yet!!

 

There were so many fish and fish flies this summer. I was so happy because that means the lakes were getting healthier again. The 'no swim zones' of last year were opened up again.

[itsallgrand]

I had such a great long weekend. So fun and lovely. Couldn't have asked for more.

[itsallgrand]

I had another very good therapy session. So much is coming out , and I know this is major what is happening now. My true feelings are all coming out. I'm more I touch with them. I am finally getting to the root , dealing with staying with feeling and doing at the same time. I'm getting much better at not compartmentalizing.

 

It's tiring but at the same time, I'm much less stressed. More chill. Happier, more often. And the happiness goes deeper.

 

It's a good good thing.

[itsallgrand]

Yesterday morning I woke up with nasty pains and other symptoms of food poisoning. Wow, did that suck. Not as bad today but still recovering.

I'm pretty sure it was the frozen burrito from the sketchy corner store by work. I should know better, and I'm usually so particular about food safety and the food I eat. Except when it comes to 99 cent pizza joints and sketchy places when I'm starving?! Oh I did deserve the good hearted heck I got.

[itsallgrand]

I went to a cousins baby shower yesterday. Loved seeing all the kids. I miss having children I get to spend time with on a regular basis.

We played this game where everyone guesses prices on various baby items. I was way off - very much over the actual costs combined.

It did make me think - I have money stashed if I ever choose to raise a child. I'd be more than ok. If I don't, the money can go to something else. I have my funeral arranged and paid for. I have myself in place now for a major life change if I want to, comfortably.

 

I know the game doesn't represent the true costs of a child, but I also know with how conservatively I've figured everything out,, I wouldn't be blindsided.

I think people tend to blow up the costs of having kids and a lot is due to lack of planning.

[itsallgrand]

Really annoyed this morning at my higher up. She's got the classic case of robbing from your own kids, so to speak, to feed strangers. She routinely screws those who work with her in order to feed her own damn hero complex.

 

Again today I walk in to all these people expecting favours she has promised to do , and she isn't here to do it either. She knew she wouldn't be. She tells people I'll do x y z that is not part of my job, without even asking me. It's personal favours, and it builds these unhealthy expectations with people that makes things a mess and harder. Doing them always means more work for me, cutting into my time to do my work, and when I don't do them - I have to deal with people's disappointment and anger.

 

She undermines me and my authority . I've spoken to her about it before, but it doesn't change.

 

Time for a new approach I guess. Right now, I just want to strangle her. People like this are rampant in the field - wanna be Heros. Just makes me sick the damage they do

[itsallgrand]

I had a rough night last night. Actually, the day too, but it got progressively worse as the night set in. Nothing in particular happened. It was just a day where for one reason or another, my mind was generating a lot of disturbing thoughts. I was tired, and that never helps.

After work, the bf took me for a ride outside the city through one of my favorite parks and further to visit an old church with an elaborate grotto. It did help. He's very considerate and understanding, and I thought it very sweet how he tried to bring me somewhere he knows I find peaceful.

 

I have an appointment with my therapist tonight. I have a lot I want to get some input on. The two weeks in between appointments is perfect for me right now. It gives me lots of time to work on things on my own, but also close enough time that I feel like I am getting a lot of support.

[itsallgrand]

My therapist was sick so my appointment was cancelled. Another two weeks now until I will see her again. Im ok but feeling a little backed up . Yesterday I felt in a strange mood. I had nothing pressing after work and a night free. It felt like a huge expanse of time! I did laundry and cooked and made a list of the things I have floating in my brain that I want to do 'when I have time'. It was funny because when actually faced with time, I wasn't sure what to do! Writing it down helped. It was good to be able to sit and contemplate goals and projects. To sit and read a book. To spend time at home.

 

Doing t day dinner for mom and the family at her house this weekend. She'll help but this year it's basically me. The last few years we did it together as a team, and it was so nice. It brings up bitter sweet emotions. Focusing on making the most of it .

 

It's gone from nice to cold in a blink weather wise. Here we go again , no more sandals for real now lol.

[Seraphim]

My therapist was sick so my appointment was cancelled. Another two weeks now until I will see her again. Im ok but feeling a little backed up . Yesterday I felt in a strange mood. I had nothing pressing after work and a night free. It felt like a huge expanse of time! I did laundry and cooked and made a list of the things I have floating in my brain that I want to do 'when I have time'. It was funny because when actually faced with time, I wasn't sure what to do! Writing it down helped. It was good to be able to sit and contemplate goals and projects. To sit and read a book. To spend time at home.

 

Doing t day dinner for mom and the family at her house this weekend. She'll help but this year it's basically me. The last few years we did it together as a team, and it was so nice. It brings up bitter sweet emotions. Focusing on making the most of it .

 

It's gone from nice to cold in a blink weather wise. Here we go again , no more sandals for real now lol.

 

We are still warmish.

 

Yeah, I take over fully as the Thanksgiving day cooker . For quite a few years now my mom has been directing from the couch as she doesn't walk well. And she said it was all up to me . Well, she has already stuck her foot in it by buying the turkey and wanting to cook that . And she has told us go to make the mess at your brother's house not mine . ( he lives in the same building as her ) Even though I told her I would clean it all up no she doesn't want it in her house . ( she is a pain in the ...

 

It is really hard sometimes when counsellors are sick or want to put things off .

[itsallgrand]

Will you have any helpers Vic? It's a lot of work doing a big Thanksgiving meal alone.

 

Yesterday I made pies. Pumpkin, Apple, and tourtière. I did some of the shopping and organizing.

 

I went to go buy this rug I saw that I love loved..and it was already sold. two days since I spotted it and it was gone! Now I'll have to buy if I see another I love and not wait on it like I did this time.

[Seraphim]

Will you have any helpers Vic? It's a lot of work doing a big Thanksgiving meal alone.

 

Yesterday I made pies. Pumpkin, Apple, and tourtière. I did some of the shopping and organizing.

 

I went to go buy this rug I saw that I love loved..and it was already sold. two days since I spotted it and it was gone! Now I'll have to buy if I see another I love and not wait on it like I did this time.

 

Hopefully ,my husband and my brother help I'm sure they will. Tourtière m'y mouth is already watering! Yum! My husband loves tourtière as well . Do the Métis make it the same way as the Québécois? And I know the Acadians eat a lot of pork do the Métis eat eat a lot of pork as well ?

 

I know never let an item go without buying it if you love it .

[itsallgrand]

I make it the way mamere made it. Carrying on her recipe. It has ground pork, cloves, cinnamon, salt, pepper, and that's pretty much it. And then make a pork gravy for on top.

Yes, lots of pork and lots of maple syrup and cheese and gravies and everything I love lol. I have to keep it in moderation because her recipes aren't light at all! I'm grateful she baked and cooked with me to show me how she did it so I can keep eating her food even with her gone 😀

[Seraphim]

Sounds like the Acadians as well !! Yum yum yum!!!

[itsallgrand]

I've been letting my higher up arrange her favours, gave up on trying to talk about it or manage it in any way. And it seems tone working. I just don't do any of them. I play dumb and say sorry, you will have to speak to whoever you spoke with about that ( my higher up). Sometimes they get angry but I let it roll off my back, not my problem I tell myself. She's confronted me a few times about it. I say sorry but I don't know what you all arranged with these people, so I'll let you handle it since you can best help them. This seems to feed her ego. She has a big one.

She doesn't handle it though, of course, and people are starting to realize she's full of a lot of talk and yet doesn't really do much actual work.

 

I wanted to talk to my therapist about it as I think my taking it Oma's mine previously harks back to old stuff to do with my past. Feeling responsible for taking care of everything to try and get control on other peoples chaos, so to lessen the impact on me.

 

I'm getting better at it though- being ok when other people aren't doing what they are responsible for. I'm getting better at caring for myself that way.

[itsallgrand]

I had a therapy session last night and it was a very good one. It'd been a month since I spoke with her as she had been sick and had to cancel on the last one.

My time with her feels cleansing. She's a good fit for me. I never thought I'd be able to relax my guard and get so much out of this as I have and am. I'm actually working on precisely that issue, being able to relax my guard and expressing my emotions in an open way. For the first time Ina really long time, I'm getting comfortable with it.

I also didn't think I'd be able to do this with a woman. I didn't realize that part until recently, that I had such a strong bias against working with a woman in a therapeutic setting. But I did, and it's all part of it. Finding her has allowed me to explore things I wouldn't have before.

[itsallgrand]

Do I want a big cup of coffee? Yes!! Will I get one? No. I'll resist that urge, as I know I'll only end up more agitated.

Go me.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not sleeping much lately. I work this week and then I take my leave of absence to be there with mom full time. She's not doing well at all.

Tonight I see my therapist. I'm in 'get things done' mode, the full impact of what is coming up, on an emotional level, hasn't hit me yet. I sort of dread going in tonight because I know the therapist will bring up feelings. Damn feelings. But this is why I have her, so I don't go into my usual mode of shoving it all down.

 

I already miss work. This is the right thing to do, but, work keeps my mind and body occupied and is a helpful distraction sometimes.

 

Ugh. Bracing myself for one of the not so easy parts of life. Doing my best

[imsuperman]

Sorry to hear that, but glad you are working on it like you should be.

 

Hang in there.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks so much Super.

[Seraphim]

You will be ok. Hugs. I don't have any words of wisdom but just know I am there with you . ❤️

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Vic. Yeah, it's not me I'm worried about.

[faraday]

I'm not sleeping much lately. I work this week and then I take my leave of absence to be there with mom full time. She's not doing well at all.

Tonight I see my therapist. I'm in 'get things done' mode, the full impact of what is coming up, on an emotional level, hasn't hit me yet. I sort of dread going in tonight because I know the therapist will bring up feelings. Damn feelings. But this is why I have her, so I don't go into my usual mode of shoving it all down.

 

I already miss work. This is the right thing to do, but, work keeps my mind and body occupied and is a helpful distraction sometimes.

 

Ugh. Bracing myself for one of the not so easy parts of life. Doing my best

 

I'm sorry I haven't said anything...I couldn't. It hit too close to home and hurt too much to think about. I hope you're okay. I know it's hard right now with your mom but one day you'll be really glad you got this time with her...that you were able to be there for her.

 

I hope they're able to drug her enough that she's not in pain...and I hope she's able to leave when she's ready.

 

 

((((Hugs))) I'm so sorry that it's like this.

 

F cancer.

[IAmFCA]

I have been going back through your thread and I am struck by how responsible you are to yourself. Keeping up with therapy, taking the time off work, diving in to the time that lies ahead of you. I am certain you will be grateful for the choices you are making now.

 

It's hard. I can hear the exhaustion, the mental exhaustion. I just want to say, you have earned applause for how well you are moving forward.

 

We care about you.