New Journal

[itsallgrand]

Thank you for the support. I will write more later.

 

For now, I want to post a video. Nothing political about it for me, I just like the message of self sufficiency and survival.

 

[video=youtube;3cQNkIrg-Tk] ]

[itsallgrand]

It feels like ages since my last update but it's only been about a week!

I moved some clothes etc to moms house and that's where I've been and will be staying, with treks back n forth ( like today, I am home) to my home where the bf is holding down the fort and taking care of the cat. Every day I drive the hour or so to the hospital where mom is ( for now) and spend the day there. Come back to my childhood home, make meals, clean, try to organize.

My bro and his gf are at the house too, and my moms partner. And that's a whole other story and stresses. All these adults in a house, though moms partner is barely around or goes to see mom ( a huge source of stress right now, that whole thing).

We are working with the doc and care teams now to get mom home. Soon, but it won't be right away either.

Her doc is very good and attentive, that's a positive. Because it is a rural hospital, the care is quite personalized, which mom likes and she now has a private room with amenities and a view of countryside.

Chemo is off the table, and mom is now officially in palliative care.

Lots of talks, lots of things to do all the time.

 

It's all difficult but I can do this. All my real energy is on mom - everything else is second priorities during this time.

 

I'm so proud of my man and how he has stepped up during this time. I'm falling even deeper in love.

 

I still run through what I am grateful for each day.

[Cheetarah]

I'm sorry, IAG. Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts.

[itsallgrand]

Life has been so crazy and I don't feel like writing about it all lately. I had to make a trip up north and it went longer than I'd hoped. Not that I don't like being there, I actually love it and could see myself being there more often in the future, but I didn't like being away from mom. She's in a stable place right now and still in the hospital but the timing just really sucked as I didn't want to be that far away at all unless necessary. But you know how life likes to pile on things at once.

 

I haven't gotten even a half hour to myself in over a week. Literally spent all my time when not peeing or showering with people, and go go go.

 

Tonight I snatched a few hours to myself. I can't do it, not having any time to myself to just breathe.

I had to make a point to make this happen because I could feel my mental health suffering.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;rVeMiVU77wo] ]

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;S3fTw_D3l10] ]

[itsallgrand]

People can be caring, loving, and compassionate. But ultimately, only we can live our lives and fully understand it. The world goes on regardless and people do too.

Struggling a bit to trust people right now.

[itsallgrand]

I ran into an old friend who I've known since we were kids yesterday. It was odd, I didn't even recognize him at first with his long hair and beard and in scrubby clothes. I hadn't seen him in a few years as he'd had some things going on in his life that he needed to figure out and I wasn't comfortable being around for. He hurt a lot of friendships during that time.

It was an interesting visit. He'd tried to reach out a few times through Facebook and I'd ignored it. He was driving by in his truck yesterday and saw me, and we talked a bit while driving around the old hometown.

 

It's odd who comes out of the woodwork to offer support sometimes, and who sort of doesn't.

 

It just made me think as I've been doing a lot of weighing of who can handle what, who can be relied upon, who I trust around me and my family right now.

 

I've seen ugliness and kindness when people fall ill and when loved ones die. People show different parts of themselves that aren't so prominent during other times.

[faraday]

People can be caring, loving, and compassionate. But ultimately, only we can live our lives and fully understand it. The world goes on regardless and people do too.

Struggling a bit to trust people right now.

 

Trusting who and why? Do you normally struggle with trust?

 

I struggle because people usually have their own best interest at heart...and that sometimes what appears to be kindness is a maneuver, a manipulation to get what they actually want.

 

I just want truth. I want to hear and see it like it is...even if it's rude or unkind...because the fake facade leaves me feeling soiled. I want people to be genuinely kind...and to have good intentions...but....*sigh*

 

There is a lot of good in the world. I need to remember that when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

[itsallgrand]

Exactly what you said faraday. I feel the same way.

 

I have struggled with trusting people more generally, yes. I'm used to relying on myself. It takes me a long time to really trust someone, and even then, I am cautious and do not let them in too close. I mean, never in a position where they have any control over my own.

 

My mom is the opposite. She trusts with her whole heart, and let's people in to positions where she'd be screwed if they don't pull through or her judgement of their character was wrong or incomplete.

 

So I've seen how people can be, and it's not always malicious, sometimes it's just self interest, or personal weakness.

 

Bottom line is I guess this is why she chose me to watch out for her.

 

But yeah, I'll probably elaborate more later, for now... I hope you are ok.

 

I try to remember every day the good, to balance these other considerations I make.

[notalady]

I think it's smart to maintain control over your own affairs and not put in yourself in a position where someone you trust can screw your over. I think when you feel you can protect yourself and have control over whatever aspect of your life, and even if someone you trust breaches your trust, it might hurt emotionally but not in real terms (financially for example) ie you're not screwed over, I think only then you can be fully open emotionally to trust people, because you know at the end of the day, you have you covered regardless of what happens with the people you choose to trust. I don't think that's being distrustful or having trouble with trust, just like I don't think pre-nup means you expect the marriage to fail or you don't trust it to last.

[itsallgrand]

I appreciate you saying that, notalady.

[Seraphim]

It feels like ages since my last update but it's only been about a week!

I moved some clothes etc to moms house and that's where I've been and will be staying, with treks back n forth ( like today, I am home) to my home where the bf is holding down the fort and taking care of the cat. Every day I drive the hour or so to the hospital where mom is ( for now) and spend the day there. Come back to my childhood home, make meals, clean, try to organize.

My bro and his gf are at the house too, and my moms partner. And that's a whole other story and stresses. All these adults in a house, though moms partner is barely around or goes to see mom ( a huge source of stress right now, that whole thing).

We are working with the doc and care teams now to get mom home. Soon, but it won't be right away either.

Her doc is very good and attentive, that's a positive. Because it is a rural hospital, the care is quite personalized, which mom likes and she now has a private room with amenities and a view of countryside.

Chemo is off the table, and mom is now officially in palliative care.

Lots of talks, lots of things to do all the time.

 

It's all difficult but I can do this. All my real energy is on mom - everything else is second priorities during this time.

 

I'm so proud of my man and how he has stepped up during this time. I'm falling even deeper in love.

 

I still run through what I am grateful for each day.

 

I am so sorry. Hugs

[itsallgrand]

Mom comes home tomorrow. I'm at my place having a beer right now. It will be good to have her in her house. We set it up so she's all ready now, and she'll be in Center of command

It will be between my brother and I , giving her round the clock care.hes a nurse and I used to work in home care, with high needs clients, so she's pretty set as far as that goes. Except it's her kids, so we can provide a much more intimate care than shed receive otherwise.

 

Fetching all the last minute things to welcome her home tonight. Pointsettas are her fav flower and I have a vision lol

[faraday]

I read your post a few days ago and it's taken me this long to process it...I had tears in my eyes...I do again now. You're being so brave. I know how scary this must be...although we're not at this point yet for my mom, it's beginning to seem like...that time might not be that far away. And it's terrifying. And it breaks my heart.

 

And my heart is breaking for you and your brother and your mom...you're all so inspiring to me (and I know that's a cliche...but I am seriously in complete awe of you)...I don't know if I'll have it in me when this time comes to dedicate full time to caring for my mom. Maybe if I didn't have a child (and those responsibilities)...but it seems like such an overwhelmingly huge job. I don't know if I have the strength for it. But what a labour of love. Your mom must feel so special and so loved to have you both I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. I'm so glad that you're able to give your mom this gift, your time, your love.

 

I hope she has mostly pain free days and I hope you get some quality time with her before she goes. You're in my thoughts....and I'll continue to send thoughts of strength and courage and love to you guys over the coming weeks.

 

I'm here anytime if you need to talk...please feel free to pm me if you want to.

[itsallgrand]

Faraday, your post means so much. I read it a few times over the last few days , as they have been challenging. I find it hard to write about.

 

I broke into tears today. My closest coworkers sent me a nice card and a bunch of gift cards for xmas. We usually draw names and go for dinner, a small affair. They also asked if I'd go for the dinner - no gifting happening there this year.

It just meant something. None of them have much to give.. But they did.

[itsallgrand]

I got all my Christmas shopping crammed in today. I am not good at power shopping. Lol. But I did it.

 

I'm feeling stressed but trying my best. And keeping it together - so far.

 

I'm exhausted pretty much all the time. I'm trying to keep at my plan - all the tools in my bag are being used. It's a delicate balance - I can't burn out , but, that's not so easy to achieve right now.

 

I adore Christmas but I'm scared this year. There's so much going on, and I want to make it special, but damn - just the weight emotionally and physically is taking a toll.

 

It's day by day, but also, dealing with future thoughts so much. Sometimes I find myself just driven down with such lucidity about what's ahead. It hurts so much. It's complicated too. It's not only losing my mom, it's what's she's leaving - this house will be gone, and a big old mess . Sometimes I feel angry. I feel angry about the lies, and I get angry that things are as they are. I get angry .. There's a bunch involved in that.

 

I never expected to be left anything , that's fine- but I just hoped she wouldn't f me either. Her choices do feel like a final f you - and it hurts.it hurts even as an adult - you want to believe parental love .

 

I think of my dad lots. He'd be furious. And this never would have gone down this way. My step dad too . Both good men.

 

But my dad. I miss him now. And it scares me.. Though I'll survive.. Hurts to think of not having any parent anymore ... That is in the near future.. Just not being anyone's kid.. It's a tough part of life for sure..

 

Still, I'm grateful.

[faraday]

I got all my Christmas shopping crammed in today. I am not good at power shopping. Lol. But I did it.

 

I'm feeling stressed but trying my best. And keeping it together - so far.

 

I'm exhausted pretty much all the time. I'm trying to keep at my plan - all the tools in my bag are being used. It's a delicate balance - I can't burn out , but, that's not so easy to achieve right now.

 

I adore Christmas but I'm scared this year. There's so much going on, and I want to make it special, but damn - just the weight emotionally and physically is taking a toll.

 

It's day by day, but also, dealing with future thoughts so much. Sometimes I find myself just driven down with such lucidity about what's ahead. It hurts so much. It's complicated too. It's not only losing my mom, it's what's she's leaving - this house will be gone, and a big old mess . Sometimes I feel angry. I feel angry about the lies, and I get angry that things are as they are. I get angry .. There's a bunch involved in that.

 

I never expected to be left anything , that's fine- but I just hoped she wouldn't f me either. Her choices do feel like a final f you - and it hurts.it hurts even as an adult - you want to believe parental love .

 

I think of my dad lots. He'd be furious. And this never would have gone down this way. My step dad too . Both good men.

 

But my dad. I miss him now. And it scares me.. Though I'll survive.. Hurts to think of not having any parent anymore ... That is in the near future.. Just not being anyone's kid.. It's a tough part of life for sure..

 

Still, I'm grateful.

The "I adore Christmas but I'm scared this year. There's so much going on, and I just want to make it special, but..." line...I'm living that too. And it is so heavy.

 

Christmas is the best! It's eggnog and little twinkling Christmas lights, its family everywhere and extra days off, and meeting up with friends that you don't get to see all the time, and seeing people's faces when they open a gift that you saw and thought was so them!

 

And it's mom last Christmas. And you sit there wondering how it will ever be Christmas again because there's never been one without her. And how do you make this one so special that the memory of it carries you through the rest of your life? How do you make it so special for her that it makes it okay for her that she won't be there for another Christmas?

 

I can't reconcile everything. I made thumb print cookies this year. They're the only cookies she ever made growing up, I hated them as a kid (I still kinda do) but she didn't have the energy to make them this year and it kind of broke my heart.

 

I'm sorry that you're without your dad and step dad...this must make this so much harder. I'm sorry your mom couldn't be the mom you needed her to be and is leaving you a mess when she goes. There won't be a mess when mom goes, but I don't think we'll ever have that talk where I get to fully come to peace with all the sh*t she did to me as a kid.

 

You nailed it in my journal when you talked about your bf trying to carry all this extra weight to help you and he feels bad because it's not enough. Your post resonated with me so much because that's exactly how it is. We're both carrying so much and I'm so mad about it. I'm tired all the way down to the core of my being. I have no idea how I'll recover, how I'll heal. A month laying on a beach wouldn't fix me right now. And I don't mean to, but sometimes I'm mad at him for adding extra weight when I'm just trying to get through this with mom. It's not like he chose this. It's not like he picked the timing. But I get mad...even though it's not fair.

 

I'm sending you positive vibes and strength. May you make it through today with grace. I'm already a balling mess of tears and snot and Kleenex on my couch so I've failed at the grace and strength part today...but there's always tomorrow. It's time to go grocery shopping and to the gym.

[itsallgrand]

Your post - thank you. For the understanding, the kindness. It resonates so much right now.

 

The chaos has begun. Of family and friends stopping in, people coming and going all the time.

 

I want to wish you a merry Christmas.

[tiredofvampires]

I get it. The notion of parents leaving with unfinished business and some broken pieces you'll still be mending when they are gone. I'm going through the same right now...it's the second time around, now. Which means, the last. One down. And one to go, and she will slowly be going. No longer having "one left" makes it so much harder to wrap my head around. It makes me feel like a child again, in so many ways. Separation anxiety setting in...it almost seems like yesterday that it felt like this, on my first day of Kindergarten, when she kissed me and waved goodbye, leaving me with smiling strangers promising to take good care of me. How would I know? It was like she was leaving me forever.

 

Now, she will be.

 

God, I hate unfinished business. Business that is going to be up to me and me alone to reconcile. Yet again. Later, in my own time, as it's always been. The idea that we won't be able to work things out anymore, or make all things right, have time, more time, to build tenuous bridges back to one another. The good and the bad will somehow have to work out to becoming okay. Somehow.

 

It seems the take-home here is that imperfection is the mark of being mortal, and mortality seals that truth.

 

But nothing can take away the beauty of any given moment. Every little moment is mortal, too, so each of them must be as precious as a life itself.

 

So I hope you have a beautiful Christmas, IAG. Make it the very best Christmas that a Christmas can be.

[itsallgrand]

Oh TOV , I am so very sorry to hear that news. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

It is so good to hear from you though. I thought of you during Christmas season. I so wanted to send you these pretty Christmas ornaments I found.

 

Christmas was beautiful - a different kind of beautiful, but I feel lucky. And tired!

 

It was good to have mom home and surrounded by people who love her, and to even hear her laugh . She stayed awake for a lot of visits, was able to eat the Christmas dinner, and didn't have much in the way of pain. That's a huge blessing right now.

Sometimes she'd just doze and chime into conversations sporadically. She told me she loved hearing the house with laughter again. Mom loves a full house- always has.

 

My bf, the trooper, spent two nights and three days here with us. It was our first full xmastogether. Last year we didn't get to see each other until after the new year and did a late xmastogether . It was so good to have the people I love all together. And to get to fall asleep with him- something that is rare right now. He did good under a less than easy situation - all my family, my mom sick, me running around like crazy and not a lot of time for me to just sit and relax with him - I was hosting, and doing my usual with mom too.

 

His family too are so kind. Yesterday we did during the day and evening quick xmas' at his moms then dinner out with his dad and his partner. They are supportive and sweet people. I'm so lucky there.

 

I miss you TOV. I hope to get to see more of you, even to just read an update of yours soon.

[itsallgrand]

Another snow storm tomorrow. We got tonnes of snow around Christmas. Some people didn't come out, and some people planned to stay for a few days. The house is quiet this evening. Apparently we've got the snowiest winter this year out of all the Canadian cities. We are used to snow, but it got me thinking. For example, if mom did have a situation where she absolutely needed to get to the hospital. Or even just to get someone out here. During xmas, the care team ( community palliative nurses, and doctors other than in the ER) were not available even by phone. Part of it is stupid - for those at home, too bad, we take Christmas and weekends off. Like really?!

Anyways imagine before all this. Being stuck here, and sick. People made do. They must have suffered.

I'm just rambling. Even twenty years ago, what we have wouldn't and wasn't possible.

[tiredofvampires]

I thought of you during Christmas season. I so wanted to send you these pretty Christmas ornaments I found.

 

Oh, really?? Oh no!! Aww, that is so sweet, IAG. I'm so sorry I missed out. I'm sure they are lovely ornaments! Well, there is next year...though any day can be a celebration, and an occasion. Thank you so, so much for thinking of me!

 

And for the kind thoughts. I miss you, too...and being here in general. My life has taken some seismic turns, and will continue to. I have felt so many times like taking up my "pen" to write here again, but then just find myself so overwhelmed with the thought of all that's happened, and lies on the horizon...I just end up withdrawing into myself. It's hard to put words to things these days...though once I started, I'm sure it would be hard to stop. There are so many distractions.

 

But I will try to update in some way...I feel strangely that all that's been familiar to me is fading. And that in some ways, I'm just watching it go. It's a sad feeling.

 

Maybe I'll just post this much.

 

I'm glad you had such a meaningful and close Christmas, IAG, and I'm wishing you another "beautiful in its own way" -- and all ways! -- 2017. Happy New Year!

[itsallgrand]

I feel like I can relate to what you are feeling. Not completely, of course, but I do know those feelings you are talking about. I read your journal entry and it's a bit cryptic as far as events, but the feeling and tone comes through loud and clear. It's a scary strange feeling, isn't it? But there's something very real about it too.

 

And I've found I don't write down near as much in my journal these days. Writing was always grounding for me . It doesn't feel that way so much anymore. And I'm not sure why.

 

There's so much I want to say , but don't.

[itsallgrand]

I've been frustrated and with some anxiety today. I think I've been dealing with not feeling this way very often , considering circumstances. But today I just wanted time to myself, even just an hour, to feel a little better. It didn't happen, and I still feel a little off my footing.

 

Really one of the biggest contributors to this is people around me twenty four seven. If I could get mini breaks without people to consider or around, the rest I could process and deal with. Still not a walk in the park, but I'd feel better.

 

There's always being the one to 'host' visits and people. Many kind people, with good intentions. But I always feel I have to be 'on'

 

I want to be 'off' sometimes.