New Journal

[tiredofvampires]

My deepest sympathy for the sorrow of this loss and the hole it leaves you with. But you are right, she will be with you for a lifetime, and will continue to give to you through your memories. ((((HUGS))))

[journeynow]

Itsallgrand, thinking of you and sending you comfort

[itsallgrand]

Thank you . I'd give big hugs to you all.

 

The service is tomorrow. I'm trying to write my words for speaking at the service. I want to keep it short as I know I will be crying, but there's also so much I want to say. Not easy to find the right words to truly honour mom. It is my first time speaking at a funeral , but I really want to say something.

 

So that is today. Also compiling all the stories others wish to tell, but can not bear to get up and say, and getting those to the pastor so he will read them.

 

Other than that, find something to wear .

 

Last night her partner and I chose her plot. I wrote the service cards and obituary.

 

This way, tomorrow, with all we have done, we can focus purely on mourning. I won't want or be able to make any more decisions on the day of the service, so it's good it's pretty much I order.

[faraday]

Do you want to post what you have written so far and we can help you with your words for the service?

 

I love that you're going to be sharing stories...are you getting stories from friends and family, or are they your memories of her?

[itsallgrand]

We are gathering stories from friends and family. I like the idea too. Some people have contributed special poems too. We are having a slideshow as part of the service as well, with her favorite songs playing during.

 

Thank you for the offer of help and suggestions. I think I'm ok though - I'm going to ask the pastor for his input as I've loved everything he has showed me for what he has planned to say so far. He is a friend of my moms - she wasn't a church person, she just liked him as a person. And I can see why now. He's not even doing services anymore but is doing it as his gift to mom.

[faraday]

I'm so glad that you have someone you can talk to and get advice from that is experienced and knowledgable He sounds like a really good man, and I'm so glad that your mom found him to help you guys along in this hard time.

 

I love the favourite music, and I love the stories from friends and family. It sounds like it's going to be a very beautiful and meaningful day.

[tiredofvampires]

Sounds like you have a wonderful event planned, one that she would be absolutely thrilled with.

[itsallgrand]

All done. Settling in with a cup of tea. Thank you so much for all the support through this tough time.

[itsallgrand]

Spent the day surrounded by people who loved my mom. We all celebrated her life. She lived it well, sharing so much love and laughter. That she lived with her whole heart is an inspiration to me. I plan to honour her by receiving that lesson. I cried, I laughed, I cried some more. She was a great gift to this world , and to me personally.

[Seraphim]

I am so happy you shared a special bond with your mom to the end.❤

[faraday]

So what comes next, AIG?

[itsallgrand]

Getting my bearings. Grieving. Im taking some time before going back to work to get orientated again, and to handle the details of paperwork, the family situation, the house. Getting in touch with my lawyer. Plenty is up in the air right now and it's a bit of a mess, it will all need to be sorted through.

 

I spent last night in my home, cuddling the bf and cat. Headed back to the house today.

 

It's a bit of limbo right now.

[faraday]

How are things going today?

 

It's hard to find bearings after someone important passes. Your days are so different right now...you spent weeks (months?) with your mom everyday...and now she's gone. What is the new normal? It will take time to make a new one. Did her partner live with her? Do you need to deal with closing up her home, or will he?

 

I'm glad you have your bf and cat to go home to

 

Thinking of you.

[itsallgrand]

That's exactly it. Today I feel stunned. Sad. Somewhat empty, lost. What do I do now?! There are things to do. But, there is only so much I can do in a day right now; I feel like I have been hit by a semi. Physically and emotionally exhausted.

I had a bath. I went through some things, made some phone calls, drank lots of herbal tea.

My brother and I went to visit mom at the cemetery yesterday, then made the drive about ten minutes away to the cemetery where my dad is. We brought flowers, and talked, and cried.

Everything feels awkward, strange. I've tried, and am trying, to be as proactive as possible in managing and coping with my grief. I did so much reading and talking to others as a caregiver, I prepared too for this. But preparing , well, there's only so much you can do- still have to go through it.

 

Akh, the house and legal situation is a mess. I'm the executor, so there's this road ahead yet. Her partner did live here but it's not his home - they kept each their own seperate properties, mom took care exclusively everything house, down to the smallest bill. It's complicated . I'll say no more on that for now, but she did ask I take care of it. It certainly is hanging on my shoulders right now, a cause of stress. It will be less so even once I have clarification on options as far as how I can proceed next. This week , things will get more clear

[itsallgrand]

My view out my windows at home have been of an empty field. There are trees, birds, squirrels, grass, geese sometimes, and quiet. I could leave my blinds open all the time, even in my bedroom, and get a view of sky and sun when I woke up, and sky and stars when I went to sleep. No one walked by, and I was left alone in peace and quiet. It's one of the reasons I choose this place!

Now someone bought that field, and there is construction. The view will be of an ugly building, and people will be coming and going all the time.

It's depressing to me. It would upset me at any time, but right now it is downright demoralizing. I'll have to move if I don't like it, which I probably will. Go further out and try and find a place they aren't sprawling into with these ugly buildings and cramming people in .

 

What's wrong with people? General wondering. Certainly they aren't all right upstairs. Does no one stop to think anymore? Rant over

[faraday]

I'm sorry that your neighbourhood is changing.

 

That's happening to my inlaws place...they used to back onto a huge field, and it had a mountain in the distance, and a forest...so pretty. Then the land was sold, and now houses are going up- and they are so tall they obscure the view of the mountain! So my in laws are moving. Their new place doesn't have a view, but now if they walk a block, they're at the ocean...where as before it was a 15 minute drive...so they're happy with that trade off. They actually like their new place a lot more than the place they're moving from (they move in the middle of next month).

 

Hopefully you end up finding something really nice Do you think you would find a place with your bf if you moved at this point?

 

I'm sorry that you're in charge of the estate. I know it's a really stressful position to be in...hopefully she set things up so it's not complicated.

 

How is your brother coping? It's really special that you guys took time to visit both mom and dad, and we're able to talk about things together. I don't think my brother will be able to do any of that...he shuts down. You're lucky to have each other.

 

When do you go back to work?

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I'm sure I can find somewhere else I love. It's more my mind space right now, feeling loss of someone so integral to me, facing the real prospect of not being able to save her home and keep that property in the family. It's a real mess. Complicated. She was not well prepared legally to carry out her wishes. And she hid so much which I didn't get to see until after she passed. She did not have a proper common law agreement either, and her partner has homesteader rights. It's a real mess!! It will be some time before it is all settled.

I spoke with her numerous times about these things over the years, she assured me it was all taken care of. It wasn't. And our family have gone through experiences where the need for being prepared and if you are not, the concequences that can come of that, before. It's why I have a will, funeral costs aside, insist on common law agreements when I live with a man.

 

I go back to work Feb 10. It's a slow period, and my boss wants me to be ready when I come back, so I'm lucky to be given so much time.

[faraday]

Almost time to head back to work. Your employer is really incredible...what an amazing person to work for.

 

How are you making out? Are you getting the loose ends tidied up?

 

I'm sorry your mom didn't take care of things...that must be really frustrating to be dealing with- especially while you're trying to process her passing and deal with your grief. How is your brother doing?

[itsallgrand]

Hi faraday

You've been such a sweetheart through all this. I really do appreciate the check-ins and thought for me.

 

Yup, work coming up soon. I've mixed feelings on it. A part will be happy to go back, a part isn't sure where she wants to be! My boss has been above and beyond great when things started to get tough. I'm grateful for her, for what she's extended - a lot of kindness and consideration. No doubt not the easiest thing to do in her position as boss - she has many balls to juggle and people to consider at once. But she certainly did it - she showed me kindness beyond the duty of boss, she did as a person and I have a memory like an elephant for things like this.

 

I snagged a few hours to myself today. Time without someone else around, or to consider, seems hard to come by. I just asked for it today. I need the time alone. I'm not doing anything exciting - just breathing in my own home in quiet and being alone. Sometimes I just need that.

 

There is still plenty to do with the estate, the debts, the house, what is going to happen??! I don't know. I'm trudging through it at a steady pace, doing what I can ... A lot of it takes time, is a waiting game. But I'm pleased with how well I'm doing - I haven't shut down or curled up in a ball, I'm managing and pretty ok considering. It will be lived through, it has to play out. What happens, I'll deal with.

 

Emotionally I just don't quite feel like myself yet. That normal I am told lol. But yeah, It's going to take time. I was thinking of trying the gym today. As something good to do for me. I just feel off..the sadness hits any old time, and most of the time, I feel more flat than usual. Nothing I'm concerned about, just how it is. My libido too right now, not the firecracker it usually is. Just need time. Comfort. To get used to this.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;v1-VKFry-CU] ]

 

This makes me happy. I'm on a real kick with this band, I admit. Hit the right spots inside. Goofy but ambient and relaxing.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;1XEOVl875d0] ]

 

And this is "our" song. Cheer up songs today.

[itsallgrand]

Today's been one of the rougher days. Just couldn't stop crying today. So I did that. In between every day things . Like eating, showering, walking, listening to music , cuddling, talking.

I just miss her fiercely

[faraday]

It might be good to get back into routine...even if you're not totally with it at work...to be around people regularly again- especially ones that haven't seen your struggle/grief (so they'll act more "normal") is probably good for the continuing on with life part (the "moving on") of the processing. Not easy...but necessary

 

I wish everyone had an employer like yours...she must really think you're special to have been so accommodating...you must do good work

 

I'm sorry that yesterday was rough. Some days will be awesome- you'll take steps forward and feel like you've got everything under control...and other days will knock you on your as$. I'm glad you were able to get alone time to recharge...hopefully you'll be able to get a bit more as you head back to work- that will be pretty draining, I imagine. Just ask for it when you need it. Don't feel guilty about it- self care is important.

 

When mom was first diagnosed, I felt like I was in a haze for months...I didn't feel like myself...I felt like a shell of my former self...someone empty who was going through the motions of life without feeling them or really experiencing. It felt like I was watching my life instead of living it. I can't imagine the sadness and loss that you're experiencing- but I do know the feeling of not feeling like myself...and I hope you can connect with your life again soon. It's hard. Part of me felt really guilty when I did connect- when I felt joy and could laugh at something...like what right do I have to find joy today when her world will never be the same again? Eventually this new, emptier world becomes a new normal...and you will find laughter again...and you'll want to connect. I wish your heart a speedy recovery

[itsallgrand]

I spent three hours at the gym today. Weights, pool, then hot tub and sauna. It felt good. Then I had a therapy appointment. First one since mom passed away, and it was intense. I cried a lot (again). Did some talking. It seems to circle back to self care for me - it's always my 'homework'. It helps though.

 

The bf and I got into a fight recently. We rarely fight. It didn't last long, but it was upsetting. Sparked by news and politics. Wasn't really about that, but we agreed to avoid those topics for now. And I think that's wise.

[Seraphim]

You have shown such beautiful grace in what is a horrible time for you . So awe inspiring.