New Journal

[Seraphim]

That sounds like an awesome birthday!

[itsallgrand]

It's so easy to underestimate how much you are actually taking on and how much you can actually get done, at least for me it is. I'm tired but don't want to cut any of it.

The only thing that works is actually booking in 'free time' to make sure I play. And I'm so much happier when I do.

I can't believe it's June already!

[faraday]

May flew by like it was nothing.

 

I see how much I'm taking on (because I have a paper day planner that everything goes into...and it's FULL) but I still don't really believe that I'm *that* busy. But then my eyebrows are like crazy right now- I need to make time to deal with those suckers lol, but when? The struggle is real.

[itsallgrand]

Oh my god lol, I was JUST thinking how wild my ' caterpillars' are getting! I was trying to get presentable this morning and I've got a Chloe thing going lol.

Made me laugh you can gauge your busyness by that too

[itsallgrand]

Damn autocorrect! I meant [ATTACH=CONFIG]11417[/ATTACH]

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube_share;jFhgupR565Q] ]

 

I wasn't bullied when I was young, but I still love this- it so appeals to the geekier side of me.

[itsallgrand]

Since therapy, I've really noticed my tolerance for harshness and toxic people/ environments has gone way down. I can feel how much it impacts me, and I don't like it. At the same time, I find myself being softer in my approach to confrontation and getting away from harmful places and people.

 

This morning was a reminder of it and cemented this new relationship with myself. I'm kinder to myself now.

 

I found myself dealing with someone very rude and demanding of me. It upset me, I could feel it physically. I felt stressed and yucky. I gently told her what I was doing to meet her needs, and added that I would appreciate it if she not speak to me so rudely. She responded by being ruder. So I disengaged and removed myself from the situation. I felt better.

 

I've been working regular plus side jobs to cover my expenses plus expenses to do with moms house and costs to do with settling the estate. I'm now able to do while regular saving and also to put aside for a vacation. I've also been doing courses to increase my earning capability and to learn/personal fulfillment.

 

One side effect has been a greater exposure to working arrangements that better suit me. I've been described as bright, bubbly, a great asset to a team. I've experienced work that barely feels like work, I enjoy it so much. And I've got more movement in a short time than years in my regular work, toiling away and putting up with so much crap.

 

My goal is to parlay all this to the new direction . I'm excited.

[itsallgrand]

We had a bit of a disagreement last night. I'm impressed with both of us. I think we've had maybe two arguments since we've been together, and that was early on. Since then, once in a while we will have a disagreement like last night, but it is barely upsetting at all. Lasts maybe two minutes, and then one of us says ' I love you, and I don't think we are going to agree, so can we talk of something else?' And that's it. Neither of us pushes it. It's good.

[itsallgrand]

Probate went through. I'm relieved about that. Now I just have a few things to do, like the final tax, and dealing with the house.

I'm getting ahead because I'm working my ass off. But it's not easy holding up two households. It sucks- Bills never end.

What I'm grateful for is my bf who is a great support and no slacker himself - though I swore early on he'd not pay any of my expenses through this, and he hasn't. It was nice to know though that if things were too much, he would have.

My brother - who helps with all this estate business, and for house bills and the fixes we've been having to do. New roof soon, and that ain't cheap, so thankfully I'm not stuck on my own with all this.

 

It's kinda sad to me but makes me grateful at the same time how..my bfs parents are better to me than my own extended family. There's a few good ones, but out of a big f'ing crew of them, most of them are just kind of ty. I knew that.. but damn..seen some cold things when mom was sick and since she's passed that really cemented some things for me. I won't go into it now..just f em.. it's really no wonder it took me so long to learn to let down my guard and really be vulnerable with people while having been around so much toxic . Poor mom, she really put up with with them. But that all ends at me

[itsallgrand]

I'm going to do some volunteering at the shelter today after work. It was one of my moms chosen charities for so many years, and when she passed it was one of her charities ( the other being cancercare) others donated to in her honour.

In my feed, I saw they were posting 'in urgent need'. So I want to check out what is going on.

Our city's largest and most relied upon food bank organization is also posting 'in extreme need'. There has been huge influx of those using the service..which the community could not keep up with. Then workers there unionized. Seeing as many people did not even know they were supporting such a large and well paid team of paid staff ( even for boxing items and distributing ), and with many opposing supporting a unionized food bank.. huge amounts of support were withdrawn at the same time as demand for food spiking to unprecedented levels. Fewer and fewer people are willing to volunteer in general in the city as well.

 

So I want to see how the shelter is going. I've supported them for a long time, and really hope it is still being run on the same principles.

[faraday]

I'm so glad you have people IAG. Your bf, your brother...your bfs family...they have your back. I'm glad for you....and I'm glad the estate is being settled and soon the craziness will close.

 

I feel sad that your mom lived in a house that had so many things that needed repairing and replacing and her bf didn't help her...and that instead of taking care of herself, she was helping him and his family.

 

I've too realized family isn't really all that great of a reason to keep people around. The saying "blood is thicker than water"...just doesn't ring true. I think sometimes you have to make your own family with people that love you and treat you well. This whole loyalty just because of blood relation thing is often detrimental to oneself...so many people take advantage of it...like you have to love them even when they're jerks just because they're family. I hope soon you can wash your hands clean of those that have been unkind.

 

You're doing good. Have you been taking time for self care? Any fun plans with the bf or friends coming up? Wishing you strength to see you through this. Xo

[itsallgrand]

Thank you faraday.

 

Self care...I'm glad you reminded me. Yesterday was my first day off in 13 days. On the Friday, I pulled an epic work day - 20 hours of work on the clock, three different jobs. I was awake for 24 hours.

That is a rarity, but I'm really trying to take advantage of all the work available this summer due to the high number of events/ tourists in the city this summer. It's a good chance to bank extra cash for anyone who is willing to work. So I've been working lots.

 

I do have some fun things planned. It's the way I keep from burning out. Some trips to the lake, lots of evenings hitting up all the events going on, hiking, and I've met people who have introduced me to boating. So that's fun.

We do have a week trip east planned for summer, and a week west for fall. Can't wait for that.

[itsallgrand]

Yesterday was a great day. I slept in. Had a delicious breakfast out . Spent the day by the river. Good people as company, and my sweetie. The weather was gorgeous- not too hot, not cold, big blue skies and a slight breeze.

Boats going up and down the river to celebrate and make stops like a floating happy chill party.

Fireworks at night over the water. Big moon and stars.

Being around people who are so warm and welcoming.

 

It was great ❤️

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;avaSdC0QOUM] ]

 

Because I'm ridiculous. Soo fun though.

[faraday]

[video=youtube;avaSdC0QOUM] ]

 

Because I'm ridiculous. Soo fun though.

 

Lol that's pretty funny.

 

I'm glad you had an awesome weekend

[Jibralta]

Lonely Island is hilarious.

 

I like this video, featuring Michael Bolton. Gave me newfound respect for the man:

 

[video=youtube;GI6CfKcMhjY] ]

[itsallgrand]

^ Love that one!

The only thing is it's so catchy, it's hard to get it out of my head now! Ahhh

[itsallgrand]

Today is my day off from all work. I was in good spirits since I last posted. Worked every day. Was in good spirits until about an hour or two ago. Why the sudden shift? I don't know. Sometimes that happens.

 

The bf mentioned some concern at how much I've been working. I still make time for him, and our relationship is going well. His concern is that I am trying to avoid having down time to feel. I am doing that to a degree. When I do get unstructured time, I tend to fall into a sadness like I am right now. The pain of the last year and mom not being here is still very much there. And there's new challenges. New changes. Sometimes it's just a bit much.

 

But with working I feel focused and like the tangible rewards. The experience of it, and also money starting to build up in my bank again. The freedom of choice that brings. How it helps relieve the sense of claustrophobia - from my emotions, and of being boxed in. I don't want to and don't plan to do this for forever, just long enough to feel like I am safely well above water.

 

I have a dream of a modest property by the water. My own land, and work that I can mostly do by home . I'm getting closer to it. And it's a strong motivation for me.

 

Balance is such a tricky thing. Life is short- so work hard, but take time for now, plan but don't get rigid, constant adaptation.

 

I have a minor procedure coming up. I have to take time off from everything physical. That's a bulk of my work. Plus the exercise that helps ground me. No swimming even.

 

I'd be lying if I said that doesn't play into it. I'm upset by it, somewhat worried. Rationally, so long as I follow doctors treatment plan, it will be fine. A blip.

 

But I've been keeping it to myself since mom was sick in hospital. I went to my appointments and didn't tell anyone. Didn't want anyone else to have one more thing to think about.

 

Yes, work is being used in part as distraction. But if I need that, is it so horrible? It serves multiple purpose. And I'm not in denial nor ignoring how I feel. I'm trying to manage it. And all the rest of my life, including my future.

 

I'm ok with adjusting as needed.

[faraday]

They say when you're feeling down to go out and do things. It sounds like you are. Just make sure when you get your bank account built back up, that you start doing more things that aren't working

 

I get why having money in savings is comforting....and I think it's smart. It does give you options...you could travel, you could buy a place...you will be safe if something happens with your job (it's not something I ever thought about until this last year). It's smart to have a contingency fund.

I think you'll make the dream of a place on the water a reality. It sounds like a nice future

 

I hope your procedure goes well and that you heal quickly. Do you want to share more or is it too personal? I'll be thinking about you. When do you go in?

[itsallgrand]

My procedure is on the 19th. I'll be taking four days vacation time from my regular job. I didn't want to tell them about my medical situation.

Though I'm entitled to time off for medical leave, I don't want to because I honestly observe that there is discrimination towards employees without children at this place. I've seen it too many times to not trust my judgement on this. Though they do it legally, they find ways to punish employees without children for being sick. Much more is expected, and there is real hostility in the ranks about it. I know I can't change the chauvinist thinking, so I'd rather just adapt to the reality.

If I were pregnant or needed leave to be home early to tend to a brood, I'd be praised and accommodated.

 

It's part of the reason I'm transitioning away from relying on that place for income. I've outgrown it and I'd like to work more independently now. I'm getting there. Within the year is feasible.

 

A situation with a co worker really made it crystal clear I am not misreading the values at play. I won't bother going into it, but it was blatant discrimination.

[itsallgrand]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11434[/ATTACH]

 

Actual sushi doesn't hurt either.!

 

Just starting to feel a little better.

[faraday]

How did your procedure go? I've been thinking about you but get distracted every time I try to write. Are you back to work soon?

[itsallgrand]

I've been avoiding writing about it. Sorry for the late response. Thank you for thinking about me.

I'm back at work, only took one extra day off. But it sucked worse than I thought. The procedure itself went fine. It just wasn't fun at all. And the recovery is slower than I thought too. But it is what is to be expected , not an abnormal recovery.

 

I'm dealing with a lot of thoughts and feelings about what comes next. I'm not 100% sure , but I hope for the best. And am trying to come to terms with the other possibilities. I don't want to go into too much detail here. Sorry if it's vague. I'll be ok - there just might be more to go through.

And honestly, it's hard for me to talk about. It scares me. It is highly uncomfortable even in my own private mind and thoughts.

 

I just really don't want to be facing this. Medical issues. Well who does?!

[itsallgrand]

I am so ready and excited for my two week vacation.! We leave right after Thanksgiving. Almost there. I am so looking forward to relaxation, a change of scenery, fun and nature.

 

I've worked my tail off this summer. My regular job plus two side jobs. Estate and house stuff. Classes. Medical stuff, and being faced with a big decision there as far as being a biological mom ( or trying, I've been given a final chance by nature).

 

So I need a chance to breathe. And just be. To let my brain do it's natural thing in the peace of some real unstructured time.

[Seraphim]

I am so ready and excited for my two week vacation.! We leave right after Thanksgiving. Almost there. I am so looking forward to relaxation, a change of scenery, fun and nature.

 

I've worked my tail off this summer. My regular job plus two side jobs. Estate and house stuff. Classes. Medical stuff, and being faced with a big decision there as far as being a biological mom ( or trying, I've been given a final chance by nature).

 

So I need a chance to breathe. And just be. To let my brain do it's natural thing in the peace of some real unstructured time.

Oh my goodness girl are you....???!!!