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*I remember why I love(d) you.

 

*I'm working too much. AGAIN.

 

*I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle.

 

*Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known?

 

*I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people.

 

*I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new.

 

[video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ]

 

*Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.

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Happy birthday to my mumsy. I miss you every day. I did all the Christmas baking this year by myself. Weird times, and do I ever miss cooking and baking with you. So many good memories you created wit

Happy Birthday to your mom. ❤️

So many people think of a baby almost like a fashion accessory.  And a lot of people also get pressured into having kids because they think that's what they're "supposed" to do.  I'm not defending tho

*I'm going to do more exercise again. It is good for my sanity. lol. Feel so refreshed.

 

*My sleep has been a little wonky. Taking it for granted that these days, a good night sleep is a given. Will give that more attention.

 

*No matter what, it is important to give back to oneself first.

 

*About that thing I have been procrastinating about: it's time.

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*I'm super tired today. I want to keep track of how often this happens. Cut back appropriately. Add in relaxation + accordingly.

 

*This seems to be the Year of the Babies. Another three have entered my life in the span of a month. All boys. Cute.

 

*I'm way past due on shopping. I need: clothes (seriously). A new swim suit. And it wouldn't hurt to get a haircut while I"m at it.

 

*There is no point beating myself up about anything. It's pointless. Anything.

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[video=youtube;O-2orxlB1K8] ]

 

*I'll be okay regardless.

 

*Lots to do, always lots to do, but it is so hot outside already I feel like I am going to pass out when walking around out there. Ouff poor polar bears! 22 c in Churchill and what the heck are they going to do?

 

*Talking to that lady yesterday I was thinking, geez, what a deceitful little witch I can be sometimes. I'm nodding and sympathizing and inside all the while I am thinking "God damn, do you really think a MARCH is going to do anything but piss people off more?!". Well her heart is in the right place but jesus, that is just plain stupid! Well I can't say what I really want to say, and why not? Because I'll be called a racist. You'll get a look of hate in yours eyes and "oh how dare you." This multicultural utopia is hardly what the veneer says it is supposed to be.

Can't they see that people are soooo sick of these marches and protests and taking over the streets to interrupt their regular programming? It's not about race - it's about class divide. Do they actually want a SOLUTION or do they want to play the victim card ad infinitum? Do they realize that is how they are perceived by people working 60+ hours a week, plus if they have spouses it's ALWAYS a dual income family, working their tails off to get to where someone who simply sits around wailing gets for free?! And you want to interrupt their way to work and think that will work to get what you want?

Rant for the day.

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*Tired again.

 

*Feeling kind of low today. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I think all the excitement has worn me out. And that I am a bit worn out in general lately. Not good.

 

*Well, and I felt disappointed too today. Don't know what I expected? But I think I need to get my mind more focused for now.

 

*yeah, and last night I found myself unable to get a proper sleep and getting up to punch my couch pillows and quietly yelling "f! F! f!" over and over again. Now what the heck does that mean?

 

*sometimes things feel like they are on fast forward emotionally. This is one of those times. I've gone from high to low to somewhere in between, conflicted to confident, happy to sad, free to feeling restricted again. Oh man.

 

*I'm hoping this is something a good nights rest will cure and it will make sense. But my heart already has this idea that things are so drastically different now, and that even I don't really know what is going on, that this is destined to be a crash n' burn. And no, I'm not talking about love and romance here but just something I really wanted. That this is the accepting part of "some things I want I can not get". But it blows.

 

*About love and romance though, you know I am starting to really think that these cell phone people can never satisfy me no matter how tolerant I try to be and no matter how tolerant they try to be. I mean those men who have their cell phones going at all times. I guess I do like to feel like I am worthy of someone's full attention. In fact, it is really important to me. Now this brings up old feelings too, about sleeping and that cell phone was right by the pillow. About spending time together, and then the cell phone would either beep for texts or rings for a call, and though at least half the time (you) would either ignore it or leave it for later, it still bugged me. It bugged me a lot. And I never got over that in all those years. And I don't think I ever will "be ok" with it. Not with (you) and maybe not with anyone. I think of my friends, and yeah we have our cell phones, but not like that. Just anyone - I want to spend time with you, give my full attention to you, and yeah I like the attention too. Is that wrong?

 

*Also, I don't like last minute time together....if we can't at least spend some time together. A few hours. More is even better. What is the point of either one of us running around for a bit here and there? I just am not cut out for it.

 

*I won't be with someone who makes me feel insecure. About them wanting to be with me. About their ability and desire to be true. I mean, just true. Is this so crazy?

 

*I promise, to myself, to be a better woman moving forward. It's not going to guarantee me anything. And it might not even help. But it's just for me. I've been alone a good long while. I won't throw out all I have learned.

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*I am feeling okay today, better than yesterday, and so wanted to make note of that too.

 

*Sore, though.

 

*Things did look different today. Maybe I was just so tired? To be safe I am going to bed early again tonight.

 

*When I stay focused on doing healthy things, I feel so much better. Good food, good company, good sleep. And not too much work! And more time doing things I love! And that is the track to stay on.

 

*I do need to make some adjustments in how I am spending my time but the bigger decisions are going to have to wait until I am better rested and feeling even better. I find myself making poor decisions when trying to make them during tired, or emotional, times. So I'll make some space to rest and get my perspective and make these decisions.

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*Spotting definite trends here. Attracted to: laid back, polite people. There's always some granola. haha. Then, I get frustrated. I feel pressure. Why?

I can't keep in key with such consistent easy-going ness. But I try. Why?! I get frustrated because I like clear lines. But I'm a glutton of curiosity. And yeah, I walk into that each time.

 

*On the other end of the spectrum, I'm attracted to people with high expectations of me. Of themselves. They have very clear lines. Then, I get frustrated. I feel pressure. Why? I can't keep in key with such consistent predictability, reliability. But I like to try to rise to the challenge. And yeah, I walk into that each time too.

 

*I'm not quite there yet. But I will be.

 

*It's finally raining. And yeah, I've been feeling very introspective today. And it hurt, but I realized I can't do anything past this point without compromising myself. Which is something I chose not to do. At the end of the day, that is what matters. Did I do something that is going to take me further or something that is going to take me away. Today I turn, and it is towards the future.

 

*thanks for the song. Good to see him with an acoustic in his hands again.

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*Yay, got a new family doctor! Maybe finally some resolution coming my way. I really clicked with him, talked easily, liked how professional and caring he seems already. And he doesn't piss around! lol. My kinda guy.

 

*Which got me thinking why didn't I think of the obvious and it's probably time again for a b12 shot. The way I've been dragging lately.

 

*Great talk today. I really enjoyed it. ANd it felt so good, especially touching to me, to have you say how you feel so appreciated when with me. Really?! Woo hoo!! Didn't express this...but often I worry and wonder about how my actions may come accross as uncaring or somewhat detached or snarly. It is so awesome to have some people in my life who I am able to just be with...and my affection and ways of showing are seen for what they are. Cause truth is, I do appreciate you...more than you know. I am fortunate to have people to appreciate! lol.

 

*10 hr shift today, long, was tired for at least half of it. But not bad. Coming home today and walking around, I was seeing things I probably have seen thousands of times before, but it looked different. Details popped. Things I hadn't noticed before. Different perspective? Different lighting? Different feelings in me colouring it? Welllll whatever it is, it was pretty great. Had a big dopey smile on my face. Felt inspired.

 

*Gonna get a good sleep tonight and ....moose ribs tomorrow! Ok, so I am trying to stay away from that eggplant curry but I just can't resist moose. It's not unhealthy! Just the fact that they'll probably have way too much food out there and I might go into feast mode. I'll have to eat shortly before; yeah, there is the compromise. Hmm....craving meat...

 

*More later....good mood today.

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[video=youtube;p-djnf3dLUg] ]

 

*Woke up with this song in my head. Went for a walk. Love these early morning walks by myself when I don't have to work. Sometimes it is nice to have company on them, but most of the time it's great to be out wandering by myself and get a chance to get my mind together....or not. This morning I really remembered all the things I love about being on my own and living alone, maybe after so much people all day yesterday. I love being able to listen to my crappy music whenever I like, or not, just have quiet sometimes. I love being able to strip down when I walk in the door and not worry about who is around or not. I love the freedom and peace of it. Though there is no doubt there is real benefits in living with others. And I know I can be hard to live with. hee. But maybe at some point there will be someone who would be cool with my eccentricities, and I won't have to make all kinds of compromises to have harmony. Some compromises, but I don't really want to change who I am or how I am too much. I think in the past I was too rigid and too defensive really about protecting out my personal time and personal space. That causes problems. But really there is no reason there can't be more blending, it will just take things being right and on my end anyways letting go of some of my associations from growing up I guess. Where there was almost never a chance for me to be in a room and breathe alone, where I couldn't wake up without someone or usually many someones all over the god damn house.

 

*Meh. I'm being more forthright and it's not taking as long to get to the point when it comes to expressing my feelings for people lately, but but but people are so weird honestly. lol. More and more, I just don't even want to say much of anything about it "it" being some declaration of anything, I just want to be and hopefully have a good experience and have people not be too fruity loops with me ...just have honest conversations, build honest relationships, be a real person. What else can I be? Or they be? Well there are all sorts of things people can do with themselves and their time and it's not all real, by which I mean a lot of waste out there on bs. But whatever, it's how it is.

 

*I have really missed talking politics and I have really missed cotton shirts. So snuggly. Also I have missed that sense that I used to have, and is coming back this summer, of the possibility of all types of outcomes and lifestyles and a way of life that is just right for me, with people to share it with. For a long time now, I've felt sort of between worlds: i'm not this, I'm not that, I'm not in your culture or that culture or this, I'm a glorious mutt. And I love it now. I can make whatever I want of it.

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I really like the song you posted, I will buy it What is it about?

 

I also understand what you wrote about living alone. I live with 3 more people and some days I would like so much to just feel free in the house and leave the toilet door open, leave all the dishes, have the music loud, sing my heart out, not be woken up by noise..and the list goes on !

 

Must be nice, like coming to a little haven.

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Hey quirky! Looks like you stumbled into my cave. lol. The song is about basically being bombarded with outside stuff: media, worldviews, garbage. For me it's kinda a song that pops into my head when I'm feeling in the mood of shaking off old influences. I could probably find a translation if you want. Tryo is an older band, have been around for a while, shouldn't be hard to find them

 

You live with 3 people: roommates? Have you ever lived alone? Yeah, I love it...it's my sanctuary. I've gone through all kinds of living arrangements - right now this is just right for me. And I love my place.

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I went to Google translate and read the lyrics and bought the track from iTunes, thanks for posting it

Yes I live with roomates. I don't really make good money, can't afford to live on my own. I have lived with family, friend, bf or just roomates. One day though..lol

 

You earned it, glad you enjoy it !

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*I've been avoiding answering a bunch of texts. Went golfing yesterday and didn't check my phone til later, and there were all these messages. And these people even knew I was going out, so really?

 

*Today, I dunno. There is always things to do. But for today I don't really feel like doing much of anything. Except maybe getting a swim in, get some cooking done, being lazy. My mind is pretty blank today.

 

*So yesterday morning I scrapped this girl off a bench who was so out of it I actually wanted to make sure she was breathing. I think that kinda affected me. Moreso that so many people walked by, looked, and just kept on walking. She was maybe 14 and so skinny. Not little skinny, but haven't been eating properly for a long while skinny. Her shirt barely covered her breasts, and her jeans were skin tight and out of style by a long while and ripped. When I finally got her to come to for a little bit her eyes were so spacey she didn't see me. It didn't kick in til this morning, I was thinking about her again. First off, having been seeing this other 14 year old girl lately who is chubbed with life and told me how it was sooo hard having to get up in the morning to do a little bit of work. A girl who has a nice family, never has had to think about money, basically is so innocent and naive - even for her age - and she is a nice girl, but the contrast lately, the contrast! I have been remembering and talking to someone lately about my childhood, and being around that age, and my life was so crazy at that time. It's kinda strange talking about it now, as though it was another life time, and in a way it was, and I am amazed what that kid went through and did (me). And I'm proud of her now. She did above and beyond what I would expect of a kid that age going through that. She did her best and more. She gave.

So yes, that girl on the bench yesterday .....it hurts...she could be my sister...anyone's sister....daughter. Don't know her story, but something happened to turn a little girl to sniffing solvent and scrawny and passed out on benches....and I can't just leave her there.

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[video=youtube;apM6-nHHF9U] ]

 

*I really love where I am at right now, but sometimes I do feel sad that it took so long to get here. Everything is so easy, even when it's not. It's as though it is all being laid at my feet. And now I don't need any of it nearly so much.

 

*So what next? Who knows. I know hearing all the things I wanted and needed to hear for a long time, affected me differently than I thought it would. I was strong. Not machisma strong, actually strong from the inside out. No struggle. The interest wasn't even so much on me - which for such a self absorbed person so much of the time was truly stunning - it was on understanding what was happening and him. And fine, I don't know it all. But for a moment or two it did feel like sadness. And it's been a long time since a man has cried in my arms.

 

*Withholding was the wrong approach to life. I can walk right through. It's fine. There are so many choices every step of the way. I'm going to do what is right for me.

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*What a day!! Absolutely exhausted, but not in a bad way. 12 hrs of work, and then a few hours of time with this girl who I found laying on the ground. Wake up, wake up, are you ok?! Ok am I actively picking up "strays" now? Omg what is up with me?? What is up with this city??

 

*I need that vacation time and the sooner the better. I'm seeing a lot of travel in my future. Nothing crazy, just exploring a lot more. Getting out of this groove and remembering constantly how this is but one little corner of the universe, and these people who I interact with so much, as important all this is and is to them naturally, it is their lives, it is but one tiny part of it too.

 

*Number three about this same thing: he was right. I can't be some one woman crusade and it's intensifying lately and when I do that, it ends up draining me out and isn't good for me. And he mentioned too a certain hardness that has been coming over me lately in my eyes, and it's from being aware all the time and yess hard. Not in a false way at all, which is different from years ago, but in true sense. I"ve learned how to operate in these situations really well, and there is some value to that, but I won't be fooling myself this round that it doesn't affect me and change me. And I don't want to change to too much hardness, which is exactly what will happen if I don't keep myself actively engaged as well in light things. And take time at least every day to forget all troubles and cares, simply enjoy. That is the whole point of all of it anyways, isn't it, to help others to have an opportunity to do that, and yet to deny myself? That would be ridiculous and also, a lot of it is habit. I'm working out of it but it kicks into gear of its own accord sometimes.

 

*So there will be sleep tonight but also right now I'm smelling my pizza cooking mm mm, something I haven't had in ages, and going to take the time to have some company tonight. Good, lovely, wholesome company. Looking forward to it actually .

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[video=youtube;W3KQyf3EdRg] ]

 

*work! Worka worka worka like a crazy this week. Now a pause. Ahhhh.

 

*Saw the doc. Had to NOT EAT - fast - for 12 hours. Ok that isn't so long. But I realized that I eat A LOT, constantly actually. By the time the appointment was over, I was thinking "food food food" and felt starved like I hadn't eaten for a week! lol. Mmm food....

 

*By the way, this doctor is still winning me over. He was great today, I really like him as a doctor. He is so efficient and yet kind, just a real professional. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. He has gotten more done in a few weeks than Mr. Clinical Director got done in a year. Sick! Mr. Clinical Director should have just told me a long time ago he doesn't have time for me anymore...but eh....like any relationship, some guys just suck at breaking up. lol. It's over now! And thank god. He was/is a good doc, but waaaay too ambitious and career-focused. Not enough people focus.

 

*And great, cause if all goes well now, maybe I put this winter behind me and get back into a much more athletic focus...not worry about this that and the other...I am extremely grateful today and pretty much every day I wake up feeling good and healthy....it's so fleeting...and in one swoop, it can be taken!...but somehow, with disease death and all that happens to us people on earth....we gotta be able to navigate in the sunshine too....that sweet spot...not straddled by death and worry, not consumed either by trying to avoid it or deny it, just living with what we got and enjoying what good we can find in it...I'm trying!

 

*Today is a good day really....to be out on the streets...and under the trees...and soaking it all in...and so yah! I can actually do that today. wherever and whatever I feel like, with whoever I feel like ....got some ideas!

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*I'm a bit upset. Why'd he have to tell me so much? Why does he insist on being so non judgmental? It may sound ridiculous, but here it goes...I'm going to judge, and I'm going to expect some judgment, and I don't think this is so bad. I'm not talking judging to make someone feel bad for nothing. I'm not talking heavy judging. I'm talking....sometimes, oh you call this my belief....people are just wrong. People do wrong. Now I wanted to cry, but you know I couldn't because it would have been a big open arms and ready to make me feel better...and really what I wanted more than anything was to be understood...but wait, more than that....in this case, I did want agreement....and it's only because without that, I don't see how it won't change my feelings for you...and our friendship...whatever it is we have going....

 

So I guess I was an ass...but I'm not ready to say sorry for it...for putting up a block...because of the depth of my belief in these certain things...what I am doing with my life, it's main purpose, things I am trying to change...no, not everything to accept and leave be...no....accept it is that way perhaps, to understand, and to do something...but DO SOMETHING...it's not "oh that's cool" for every thing...no...

 

and you are right, that I don't like half your friends...and cause of this...I'm working to change these things, they are contributing to the opposite...and I can't pretend that is the same to me as someone who loves what I loves, cares about what I cares about, works side by side with me....

 

the social aspect.

 

But screw it! I still care about you strongly, and I'm blabbering but know that won't really change, I just think you are better than certain things you are doing...granted, by my set of standards! True, true. And I don't meet yours either, do I? Too friggin' serious sometimes, eh? God damn "Oscars".

 

*Well now to make myself feel a little better...I'll get over it....Water!

 

[video=youtube;1AHnQtY1bg4] ]

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[video=youtube;DY6VxLjBoq8] ]

 

*Very strange today. Went to bed at my usual time, got up four hours later, couldn't sleep, and ended up only getting a tiny bit more. Yet when I got up this morning and so far...lots of energy, and no crash. And I am well into my day so ok. And even though I haven't been as 'up' as I had been in the last while, actually had a good cry somewhere between my last post and now, I found myself today just naturally going out of the way for people. Looking at them, and feeling a genuine smile come over me, and wanting to make their lives a little bit easier. Just always that.

 

*Ok, the term "broken" to describe human beings. I really don't like it. Whether you are talking about something inside them emotionally, psychologically, mentally, physically. I don't care. It seems so hideously inappropriate to describe a human being and any condition they may have.

 

"I'm broken." Ouch. Don't say that. And don't believe it.

"Well Ms. Iag, looks like you have been psychologically broken." Ouch. Don't say that. And don't let me believe it. That was what I believed for so long, and it was wrong. Can broke be healed, organic, changed, morphed, continue to live and grow? Well listen it's just the term that bothers me.

"I'm feel broken." Don't say it.

So all these walking broken people then....and you will never be broken to me. You will never be broken to me. It's not like that. And it's not wanting to change you or being in denial.

 

Just so strange how many people have used this term, for so many different things...forget this idea of broken.

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*Witnessed a bad accident this early morning on my way to work. Well not the accident as it was happening, right after the fact. Bad stuff, man, bad stuff. Car upside down and squashed to hell. Man , young man, crouched on pavement puking up a weeks worth and more. Somebody inside there too. Cops pull in. Paramedics next. Then the fire men. Bad stuff. And I'm feeling bad today. Shut up. Bad thoughts.

 

*What to do, what to do? Don't know how to treat myself right now. How to take care of myself. ? Haven't felt this bad in a while. And I made myself something to eat. And I'm going to try and sleep. ANd I've paid all my bills and done all I was supposed to do today. And now. The heat outside. And not wanting to be in, not wanting to be out. Not wanting to be alone - boring, bad feelings - and not wanting to be with anyone either - sad, heavy feelings and this sense that I should still not put too much on any one. You know you never can put too much on people. Not that they won't bear it sometimes. And not that they don't care. But it's just not good. And it doesn't do the job either.

 

So. I'm going to do something relatively mindless and calming. Take care of my plants. Maybe go through a few things. Do some laundry. Maybe have a cold shower.

 

Ugh.

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[video=youtube;4dOsbsuhYGQ] ]

 

*Had a great convo with a friend of mine yesterday and suddenly he made a whole lot of sense. Why he lives the way he does, the things he does. And this guy always makes me feel like I am at home, like the world is a simple place and why do I worry so much? On a different note though, when I was with him, I was thinking how all these debates (here, specifically) I've read about if men and women can just be friends have any merit. I've always thought, well of course they can. And part of the reason is because of this one friend. It's not even a gender thing, because with us, it's as though sexuality doesn't even exist except 'out there' with other people. It genuinely is something that we don't even have to address, it's not even a whisper of a doubt, and it goes both ways. Known him forever, been there for a lot of hard times and good times, given each other comfort...And it's a great thing, you know. I like seeing him with his girlfriend, but it's also strange. What are you doing? You do that? lol. Well you know what I mean...or maybe not. lol.

 

*This same note has been vibrating the last few days. Take a lot of cabs, and sometimes they like to gab. Well this one cab driver was going on to me about how much he loves Canada, he is a Canadian now (love that, his take it by the balls all the way attitude btw), and how when he was in his home country, how this simple conversation between the two of us wouldn't have happened without someone thinking there was some romantic or sexual motivation behind it. That men and women can't be friends - it's bf/gf, lovers, potential marriage partners, hub/wife, a relative, or nothing. Bad intent is how he described it, people always suspicious. I found that so interesting. The whole convo was very interesting actually, not that I hadn't had one similar to it before, but I guess the vibe he gave off about all the things we were talking about the two different worlds he has lived in. About how much he loves that here he feels free to just tell it straight, and do what is genuine for him. And that made me think after wards....

 

*about my own situation(s). Sometimes lately I find myself contemplating various ways this could turn out. And then I get bored! lol. Look, I'm getting kinda older, but I don't care?! lol. It's not like I am in denial : things change, people's situations change, babies and marriages come into the mix. But me? I'm getting a lot closer to exactly what I want. Sharing with people, expanding what I am doing with my potential. Loving, giving, experiencing. And I'm feeling...that I have been more right all along than I gave myself permission to understand so deeply. That maybe, a marriage home kids is not ever going to be the place for me. If it is, then it'll take me by surprise now. lol. BUT, someone to share my life with....now that is something sweet that I wouldn't kick out! til then....

 

I am so glad to be alive and kickin'.

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*It's funny what people remember. Something that stands out so clear in their mind, can be something that for you ...you don't remember, or have to really search to find. And then, something can be so poignant for you, and yet to someone else, they can't remember or really have to search. Or sometimes one of you remembers something very different than the other.

AND something that was so meaningful to you, may not be to someone else. And the other way around.

 

*It's also strange how there is this tendency to have difficulty trusting someone who you do not understand. It may not be from a lack of trying, but for the life of you, even if you can understand it intellectually, it's hard to trust that is how it is for them. And the other way around. It's also a frustrating experience, trying to understand someone all the time.

 

*What I need. To really trust someone, and be trusted. To really understand, and be understood. To have these things not be needless difficult, or something like I feel I need to fight for all the time. To compliment each other, and each others lifestyles.

 

What I don't need. To try and fit any thing that does not belong. To hold on to someone, or hopes, when there are many of the elements there that are important, but not all the big ones. When there are glaring incompatibilities, and just because there are some really great things about being with that person (in the various forms that can take), to try and make it something that it isn't.

 

*Did I mention, it sometimes sucks coming to a conclusion. But I was starting to hurt.

 

Bedtime. I hope I can sleep. And I suddenly want a different job.

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*Will you remember people who saw those parts of you that are so precious and sometimes you forget?

 

*There are all these dormant parts of myself simply waiting for me to wake them up and let them out. Well it's time for that. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

 

 

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