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Dear You,

It has come to my attention that I was/am not the only one who harbored some deep ugly feelings for too damn long. As sick as it sounds, it was a relief of a strange sort to know.

It is also a relief for me to find out that I'm really looking to let all of it go now. All.

 

May this day be a productive one and may I recognize my opportunities for contributing something of worth. Time for a new direction. Let me take it.

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That's so pathetic what's happening at work. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I'm sure whether you stay there or go....you'll take your work ethic with you, though.

 

I'm looking for that person who I can share with and who will share with me a strong resolve for staying out of the ditch. ha! A lot more than that, but I will not go down a hole with somebody because they stop caring. And I don't mean just about me - I mean about life and what it means to care. Care about people and oneself. Actual caring - not selfish indulgence.

 

I just wanted to say, I'm right there in that boat with you, sharing that vision. I know, not the one you're thinking of, but still...nonetheless...someone that lives for this anyway, so you got company.

 

Ruminating on that...apathy is almost worse than anger, isn't it? At least with anger, there's something to work with, it seems.

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For me and my enotalone friends and super supporters...you are so awesome...

 

[video=youtube;04854XqcfCY] ]

 

I'm feeling more positive today. Sort of forcing myself to do it. No fakey, just trying to look for the bright side.

 

Thanks TOV. That is encouraging. SImply to have it validated and heard even. When right now there seems to be some big old pools of craziness and some backstabbing and lying and general ugliness which is pounding down around me.

 

Yeah the apathy thing IS worse than anger, to me. Like you said, anger I can at least work with. Simply not caring...it's a tough one. And really stretches the limits of my compassion!

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I did what I set out to do today. And then...

 

there is always this nagging at me. Hey you, ya think you can be content and happy? I mean the real deal, to the core, most of the time, life is going good in the biggest sense and you feel secure happy? Well think again cause here are all the reasons why you CAN'T. Why you SHOULDN'T.

 

Oh my god, how have I lived like this for so long?! I'm getting so much more intimate with that which drives so much of the suffering I've done and do. It's this thing deep inside me.

 

I don't want to live with it anymore!!!

 

Mind likes to go...hey what is the worst case scenarios here...let's think about those! Emotions likes to go..hey what can we find here to feel bad about...let's feel about those!

 

What is so uncomfortable about being deeply content, deeply happy, deeply grateful, deeply engaged?

 

I can do the sprints of it and now it's time to learn and do again the long distance of it. This scared at the bottom thing has got to go!

 

Angry when I'm frustrated.

Angry when I'm sad.

Angry when I'm scared.

Angry when I'm hurt.

ANgry, angry, angry. Makes for a lot of angry. And anxiety! Stress. On my system.

WHich makes it harder to appreciate and enjoy peace.

Content.

Joy.

curiosity.

Excitement.

Anticipation.

Beauty.

Love.

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Father's Day. Been thinking about you lots these last few weeks. And looked at some pictures of you. Hadn't in quite a long time.

I miss you. And I was so lucky to have you for a dad!

How cool would it be to have you around now?! Very.

Now that I'm a bit older, and still haven't given you any grand children !, but have had time to experience something of life and to love a lot of kids too, it is becoming less of a raw wound of hurt and emotion which drives behaviors in me and needs in me which I did not fully understand. It is becoming now an awareness of how important fathers are. How important you were to me. And what a deep loss it is for a kid to lose a parent while young. My heart aches for all those kiddos out there who have, who are going through it now, and those ones who didn't even get to have a dad. Some of them didn't and don't even have one parent to be there for them, through thick and thin, loving them and showing them they matter.

 

When your old friends who I have not ever met come accross me, they instantly know that I am your daughter. I have never seen these people in my life (maybe when I was very little?) and they know. And they all have nothing but kindness and affection and funny stories to give me. Their eyes brighten. And I feel proud to be connected so easily with you.

 

I am proud and happy to have inherited your features, to look like you. And when people say "heh, reminds me of your father!". Your sisters miss you dearly too. And preen on me like I am someone very important. You'd be happy about that.

 

You made me feel like I, our family, was the most important priority for you in this world. Thank you. I took it for granted as a kid. To have a dad that took the time to really get to know me. Cared about my feelings. Wanted me to feel safe enough to be able to be independent and show who I am. Encouraged me to have a voice of my own. Actually enjoyed spending time with me. Showed me how great it felt to open yourself to caring about people, even total strangers. Showed me how to play and that it was ok ; when I was always trying to be so serious.

 

What kind of dad lets you paint on your walls and even paints murals for you.

Builds snow forts with you and regularly asks you 'where do you want to go? what do you want to do? what would make you happy?'

Works his butt off to make sure we always had a safe, warm home and more than plenty to eat, plus would bend heaven and earth to make sure we all felt special too.

Reinvents his life midway and shows how he's not only a strong creative man but a damn smart one too. And adaptable and brave and loving.

 

I have so many great memories of you, Papa. This is just some of the stuff I can share here. I've written you a special letter for father's day. And we'll have a 'talk'.

 

I miss you tonnes but don't worry, I am not sad. I am grateful. So so grateful and always will be for you.

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Weather: that sliver of time where it is Hot Hot Hot. Beautiful week thus far actually, now only getting to HOT.

 

Work: Boss has been avoiding me while all this goes down. Today, he seeks me out, is being super friendly and kissing my butt. Uses the diminutive he used with me before all this started and blew up. He needs allies now - and doesn't have a lot (any?). Ohhh politics! We stand on guard for thee! Nope, not moi. Same old same old for me. I am proud that though politics change; I don't. This crap is strengthening me. I'll always have a job somewhere. More than one, if I want (and what I have been doing for a few years now). So even if I decide to leave, even if things get intolerable, even if someone plays me and somehow I get canned (can't see it though) - no matter. And I was getting lazy anyhow mentally - too easy.

 

Personal: taking three whole days off (mini vacation) from both jobs, all responsibilities, and enjoying this weather! Going to enjoy the outdoors, do a lot of swimming, maybe take out a canoe and even fish (haven't done that in a while). Read a good book. Enjoy my friends. Simply be without having to BE somewhere. Looking fooooorrrwwward to it.

 

Looking forward and feeling quite good today.

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[video=youtube;CjIbqtHyDgU]

 

Good morning!!

 

And it is. It is. No work today! Sipping up a fresh amazing coffee. Sun pouring in my windows. My air conditioner is working. And I have this whole weekend to myself!

 

Oh yeah, and my favorite swimsuit is fitting perfectly right now. Tried it on when I got up (eager, much?!) and feeling good in my own skin again. I'm not the greatest beauty out there, but I'm perfectly cromulent. Pretty, even. Healthy, strong, small but powerful. Enjoying my body today for all it does for me and how resilient it is.

 

It feels good to s t r e t c h. Yawn lazily with the cat. Pad outside first thing in my bare feet and greet the day. Birds are chirping away.

 

I feel happy today.

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Grumpiness comes from ...

 

not walking away sometimes when it would be better to

getting too bogged down in little mundane details

not filling oneself up enough or taking too much from the tank too often

inaction or action that comes too late

 

All day I was dreaming of beef vindaloo. lol.

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Today was an awful day. Haven't felt that awful in a long time.

 

Not for all of the day. And I am determined not to feel sorry for myself. In fact, went with my buddy to the store after the horrible part of the day and he offered ice cream, whatever you feel like eating! Suddenly felt quite guilty for feeling sorry for myself. Also, of course right at that time in the store, there was a man buying produce and using his electric chair/electronically controlled robotic mechanical device to pick out fruit. Certainly puts things in perspective to think of myself facing that situation every day. Yeah, I felt like a bit of a turd after that and do not want to dwell on my 'awful' day.

 

It was awful, in a certain sense for me, because I experienced the shakes for the first time in a long time. That taking over of feelings that get so intense where I cant' censor my mouth (can't - won't) anymore, I feel sick and get red then pale, and I just feel sick and crazy. Yeah, I felt a little bit nuts today.

 

Anyways, it'll be ok.

 

Tomorrow may be another crap day but I got to keep this stuff in perspective. And it isn't worth it. Taking on all this stress when it starts to compromise my health!

 

Will think of something. Good sleep tonight is a must.

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[video=youtube;2-V8kYT1pvE] ]

 

This is what I'm really in the mood for today. I don't know why exactly, but this is a happy song for me. It makes me feel good.

 

"Merci beaucoup!!!" - - man I was working with yesterday is saying on the streets

"Speak English. Idiiot." - - man who passes him

Then he starts speaking in Cree and all the women start getting scared. lolol. He's not a drunk. He's not a fool. He's not even an outcast of society. He has a family, a home , a job. He's an awesome guy.

 

"See" he says "they don't even know what a Canadian is anymore. How are we supposed to understand the present and future if we don't even know the past?"

 

"So what country are you from?" - - question I am asked every day. "I'm Canadian". "What kind?" huh?!!

 

The country is changing and changing quick. I'm interested in this. It's not only this country; it's the world.

 

The funniest thing I heard in a long time was a man who asked me what kind of bread I was eating. When I told him, and asked if he had ever had it before?, he said "no, I'm African. We dont have that kind of bread." So then I asked him what kind of bread, or if no bread, what kind of grain he was used to eating and how? Then he told me malted bread. Malted bread, what is that? It's what Africans eat.

Omg, funny. So every African has only ever tasted malted bread and you can't get anything else?

Yes.

Geez, I'm thinking, do I look like an idiot? Or is this man this uneducated himself?

 

People are funny and also so strange sometimes. People celebrating Canada Day even more so, soemtimes.

 

...............

 

And I'm holding off from heavy thoughts this weekend because I have my own stuff to deal with. Canada Day - what does it mean to you? I remember being a kid and dad had got us these huge heavy papers, paints, and he said "go to it, there's a contest you should enter!". And my bro and i making these huge banners about what we thought it was to be a kid growing up in Canada. And winning the damn thing. We won lots of art contests because of dad. So I associated it with happiness, achievement, fun, family, and great big spaces.

 

And then Canada day for me become a thing wrapped up in personal pain. And fireworks scared the crap out of me for ages. And i thought, cold pizza staring at me, sitting in cop cars, seeing a dead body for the first time, doctors and pain pain pain and suffering. A world shattered.

 

So I don't have time to discuss right now how many thousands of dollars are going into heritage parties right now. lol. Heritage parties coming from gov't moneys (aka tax dollars). So everyone can eat hot dogs and listen to country music and get their faces painted with little Canadian flags.

 

I don't have time to object. lol.

 

Object - Objection - - sometimes it feels like that is what I am constantly doing. Objection, sir! Objection, madam!!

 

On the other work front, my boss (Mr. Cheater) pulled me aside to talk to me personally and it was ...he is a basketcase. I'm stressed, he says! I just want peace, he says! I'm thinking of just leaving and retiring, maybe i should have retired a long time ago! And maybe alone!

 

All the investigations are happening right now . Kinda the wrong time to be looking for a friend again, ain't it? I'm glad the investigations are happening. I always liked my boss, as a person. The things he has done recently are pretty vulgar and awful though, and compromised a lot of people and work. So it's good that things get straight.

 

I was so proud of myself. Why? I've kept my nose clean and never compromised my values for any of what has gone down anywhere. Maybe somewhere in my life I'll breach my own code, and know what that feels like, and know what it is to do that. But not yet.

 

"You are looking for an excuse to be mean!" the girl who slept with my boss said to me. Mean?! I guess some people see telling the truth as a form of betrayal. hahha. Sicko.

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For Canada Day my husband's going to be at the Blue Jays game. The Blue Jays are having a Canadian Forces appreciation day. My husband is going to be one of the soldiers holding up the massive Canadian flag. He is taking our son with him. So I will be alone on Canada Day.

 

Canada day was/ is usually a day though to have a barbecue see family and friends and watch the fireworks. Last year we were in the US for Canada day so we didn't get to do that. But we enjoyed enjoyed 4 th of July in Pensacola instead.

 

I am always so proud to be a Canadian on that day . ( Well any day really )I hope you enjoy your Canada Day!

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Let's go!

Blue Jays!

Let's

play

ball!!

 

 

 

That's really cool Vic.

 

Thanks for the Happy Canada Day wishes. Right back at ya!!

 

Yeah me too...usually spend it with family/friends...usually go out either to a cabin or the lake or simply out to the country. A get together that lasts the whole weekend with lots of food etc. Not this year though. Everyone except me, pretty near, is working!!! Crazy.

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I'm at a place where I am totally bored of my one job now. It's been so much drama; I'm bored.

My co workers and I spent the day laughing a whole lot. That was nice.

I've decided to start looking at a new job #2 or other alternate to fill that space.

 

My vegetables are growing nicely. I've got a few batches now of wine that is good for summer. My interest in food has been sparked again with the arrival of things growing, the farmers market, nice veg and fruits appearing again. Something about all those things involved with growing things, making your own, cooking, all that is involved with that community is appealing to me strongly at this time. Wholesomeness, maybe? Simplicity? It simply feels good.

 

It's hot. My mind is straying to different things.

 

Went to an impromptu bbq yesterday. that was good too.

 

"every day is a great day. I'm alive!" said that elderly man to me today. Wanted to pull him in a bear hug! His eyes glittering and such JOY in his whole expression today. Thanks. You made my day.

 

Getting back my goofy smile. This is good.

 

I saw myself today and thought - heh. you are somewhat eccentric. but loveable. nothing wrong with that.

 

And for the first time in a while, thought again what it would be like to have a man's things laying around my place. I could get down with that again. Granted, he is a goodie.

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Corruption.

 

I don't like you.

 

I would like to see you purged from every place you are. Every nook n cranny. Every snakey intention and move that goes on inside people's heads.

 

Maybe not feasible.

 

I CAN however, continue to take an active stance against it and for integrity. Honesty. the value of people. Decency. Wholesomeness. Hard work. Contributing; not using. Awareness; not obliviousness nor apathy. Placing value on those things which do not bring harm to others, and removing rewards from those which harm.

 

I can do my bit.

 

It's like a cancer. And how do you fight cancer?

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I had a really good beer. And I rarely like beer. This one was good. And a nice meal.

 

It's soo hot out. Air conditioner is having trouble keeping up. But it's not too bad at home! Just outside..omg. Had the most marvelous sleep last night. Discovering the pleasure again of going without pjs. Straight from the shower into bed. And it was wonderfuuuul. Cool sheets and peace and quiet. This heat really drains me.

 

Bought myself some little treats today. Some charcoal and some soapstone. Feel the need to play. I love going to the rock shop. Feeling all the stones, talking to the man there. And sculpture. I forgot how much I love sculptures. In my dreams lately have been huge fountains, human and animal forms dotting the landscape, courtyards, water and stone. Nice dreams, they are.

 

And a little bird came and gave me a view of all the little people on the ground. Showed me the planet again. Then took me waaay up in the sky.

 

I am being given as a gift many pounds of deer meat. And right now, my body is turning away from meat. It is calling for purple egglplants. And great big bunches of broccoli - steamed! And cherries. And milk. Lots of milk.

 

Oh and - a bird flew into me today! Whatever that means. And this is the second day I've found cash money simply there. If the trend continues, tomorrow I will find a fifty dollar bill....

 

One other change: see a skinny person, a stressed person, and feel this strong urge inside to care for them. Feed them up. Bring them back. And send them out with a smile...

 

weird elemental parts of me coming out. getting even closer now.

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A. asked me out today. So I guess today I found a date.

 

You know what, I'm going to go. I've got my reservations, but I also realized, I really like him. At least find out a bit more. Worse case scenario, well we will probably have fun. And I find out that is all it could really be ; is fun. Which is my reservation (not to do with his intent or character, but to do with our lives).

 

So a date with a man I am attracted to, like talking to, and who likes a lot of the same things I do?! Won't kill me.

 

I met up with the head honcho today of the place I am leaving (work). Haven't mentioned I'm leaving, haven't given notice or said a thing yet. It was interesting.

 

Made a real solid decision regarding work. Regardless of anything else, I won't work for weak people anymore. It's not like I consciously decided before 'oh I'll work for someone who is weak', but I think I figured that the workforce and life is so full of em, and of course I would come accross many of these characters in my life and so it would be natural that some of them would be a boss at some point. Just have to suck it up and navigate it best as you can. Well I decided it isn't. lol. It's totally my choice; and it undermined my own value putting up with that crap from a boss. I won't work for people whose character is even questionable anymore.

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So freaking hot! Haven't felt like doing much of anything outside at all today. Did only what I had to. And laughed on the phone with a few friends: haven't had a phone convo for a while (besides business!). Everyone cuts to the texting mostly if they are off in another city.

 

Had a dream last night that I was on this great big beach and the sky was dark and lit up with all kinds of aerial displays. An ex was in the dream, hanging back on the rocks. It was a bit of party with all kinds of my favorite people in the water swimming and playing. I was sleepy, really sleepy, and remember had one of those towels that doubles as a poncho on. My ex was being his usual aloof and in his own mind formulating self. I remember thinking "wish I wasn't so sleepy, want to be in the water with my friends" and dozing off a bit. Then waking up and being aware of what was going on in the sky - amazing celestial shows. And aware too of the ex looking up too and watching, holding his own solitude with me looking at him.

 

I woke up and thought I have to write this down today. that ex was from a long time ago. My first serious boyfriend. Who I almost married, had babies with. Loved him very deeply. Had to let him go because of that mind of his, which I did also love very much. But it was unstable, though brilliant. Speaking to him in little bits here and there through the years, it's grown more and more unstable. It hurt me lots knowing that. Of anyone, he was the first who I really could see myself loving for real. Where through out the years, though we kept away, I always had well wishes for him. Not in wanting him back with me, but a genuine desire to see him find and have what was best for him. It was so hard at the time, letting him go, but I did it because I loved him.

 

So I just saw that dream as an extension of that notion that it is ok to let people you have loved hang back or do what they want when they want to. And sometimes they just can't move with you. I don't have to hang back too. I don't have to feel bad about leaving them to it. Even though I miss them.

 

I had a lot of guilt over the years about that guy, though. this is the truth. Guilt like I abandoned him or something. Guilt that I wasn't good enough or strong enough to handle what he was going through. I've forgiven myself though. I really did try, my hardest, and gave my everything. I am capable of that. And I am extremely loyal. It became a situation where I could not win, could not understand half the time. And it became really painful. Even though I know he did love me. He didn't set out to hurt me. It's just how it happened. No ones fault really - and that was what was so hard and what I could not wrap my conscience around. If it's nobody's fault - what do you choose?

 

So I don't know - it seems that lately, I've been kissing all of those people from the past good bye. Maybe because the past didn't have kisses to say good bye, it had these stark moments of me being suddenly alone and in shock. It seems like on reflection all those goodbyes were me feeling forced into goodbye and me walk - me walk, in total pain but with my head held high. Proud, old me.

 

So it's gentleness to the past and the love that was there now. It's all moving me into now.

 

Now: there is some great potential for me to be happy. And do whatever it is I want. And love. Shedding ill will and hardness. Shedding needing to rewrite things a certain way.

 

Got a little bundle being saved up now for that trip I want to take. Excited.

 

Have that date coming up. Excited (despite myself).

 

Have some prospects when it comes to work on the horizon. Feels good.

 

This week....I want to try busting my personal best in the butterfly stroke.

 

[video=youtube;juiCRd5XllA] ]

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[video=youtube;TaoQh9Ak3Rc] ]

 

Mundane, not exactly stimulating things today. Lots of cleaning. My place has been looking like a true single person's place..more like a bachelor pad. Haven't been spending much time here. Except to eat (sometimes), sleep, and use it like a big permanent suitcase and shed. Oy! Had some extra visitors popping in lately than I am not used to, and was a little embarrassed. Well no one seemed to think it as bad as I do; but it's my home.

 

Phone calls, the usual walk on Sunday, and nothing too out of the ordinary.

 

Last night was nice. Def would like to see him again. He mentioned how he hasn't been with any body in a quite a long time, hasn't even done much dating. That is fine by me. Actually I like that. I've never been, still aren't, the type of person who has made finding someone really important. And for some reason, had this idea in my head that all these people out there are all 'power' dating and relationship hopping. Maybe that is true for some. And their lives. But what about all the rest of us? And I relate to that better. Don't want to feel under pressure to conform with that. Never though I did, but I guess some of that was there. Worried about having to worry about it (omg, really) and about being judged for being basically a simple woman who works plays thinks enjoys friendships but doesn't pack her evenings with dates. Who rejects about 89% of the men who have shown interest in her.

 

beyond that (which i did not say! venting it out here!)....

 

I really enjoyed his company. He seems like a genuine person from what I know of him so far. And I found it easy to be myself with him, which is a good sign my way. I'm not going to overthink this, not going to think about it too much at all. Going to go with what comes with this one. What I know is that I am 100% there when I'm with him, and that is good...I like him.

 

Getting my passport and all my documents up to date. Want to leave no excuses and be organized. That feels good too.

 

And I went through my money. You know, seeing if I'm skidding off from my intentions with that. Thinking about money...I really dislike myself when I start thinking about money too much.....it's just anxiety at taking a new turn with the work situation and where my life is going...

 

Listened to some of the new Pearl Jam tunes. Felt like: meh. It isn't bad. But the direction is a little more punky. I'm sick of everyone taking a left turn at punky.

 

What I think about, I can mostly bring to fruition. It's becoming clear now.

 

So where you wanna go and what you wanna bring to fruition, little lady? It's still sketchy but the drives are a lot more clear now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm feeling a little down at the moment. ?

 

Had a wonderful weekend. Relaxing with some friends and family. Lazily enjoying myself. Frisbee, swimming, walking around checking out fruit trees and other things. Waking up to a full house.

 

So why do I feel like this now??????

 

Was thinking to myself before. So much to be grateful for. Remember all that you are lucky enough to have and enjoy. A healthy body. People who actually like and love you. Beauty all around me to be found. Clean air, clean water, the trees, good food. A place you like to live in. Work. Possibilities.

 

And not at all the least: my mental, emotional, and psychological health. This is what I worked for. This is what I worked so hard for.

 

And now I feel ...

 

an old friend, you mentioned to me about shame. I want to be unashamed. Unashamedly me. And be loved for that, love someone like that again.

 

And that is what it comes down to again. I am feeling ashamed right now.

 

Did I do wrong?

 

It seems like those I truly love, end up disappointing me. When I get close, I get hurt.

 

Is it me?

 

Perhaps it is infantile to think this. But right now, I really miss being cherished by someone.

 

I want to be close again. And. I am tired of doing this alone.

 

I want to be lit up again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

[video=youtube;gdYIIooxdok]

 

hmmm.

 

......

 

A whole week of no work for me.

 

Will I survive? lol.

 

Some new directions are calling. I think I am ready to get back to my writing now. 6 years later. There's an opportunity here to make some money at it too.

..................................

 

So what if you went on a rant about X learning Russian? I knew what you were saying. I'm ready to tell you it all now.

 

...........

 

There's an opportunity for me to meet Mr. Dallaire. I'm excited about that. I wonder if he is well.

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On the road. And it hangs around me like smoke.

 

You know what fear is?

Fear is pain.

 

Do you know what rage is?

Rage is hurt.

 

Do you know why I worried so much?

It's a bruised up piece of fruit. Tiniest bit of pressure, it bleeds out the skin.

 

Sensitivity. A bruised up piece of fruit.

 

A gentle kiss. And it can make me cry.

 

The vision of beauty before me. And it can make me cry. Tears running down my face,

standing in the sun with you,

breathing the fresh air,

your arm around me.

 

tranquility. is it real??

 

Those voices in my head. Keep asking, keep doubting. Is it real?? That which is not

burning

blazing

searing

flashing

blaring

hard to breath

 

I had kept telling myself

for so many years

one day i will wake up

and everything will be back

to what it was supposed to be

to what it was

for so long

i held on

trembling

in utter fear and horror

torturing

myself with deprivation

 

 

And today.

 

today

i miss

being able to say to you

everything

everything no one else could reach

 

but you are reading now

reading the books

that i held in my arms those years

those years you looked at me with pleading eyes

and i was far away

 

some day

i'll be everything i am

without those voices saying

doubting

you fing idiot

you aren't enough

you disguist me

you remind me

you we hate you

and you we reject you

 

 

and fear and pain? and rage?

 

I have this vision now of it being enveloped in love

that is what is needed

that is the need

not further deprivation

and rejection

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Got to keep moving right now. Moving.

 

A chance meeting with a politician I've been trying to get my hands on. And it falls in my lap when I'm moving.

 

And the first person I wanted to share it with.....

 

One, two, three, four, five...

 

Gotta keep moving. If it's running away, it's not running away from anything real, it's bringing it all crystal clear.

 

It hurts. And it feels great, too.

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cried today.

Taking account of my faults, my mistakes, my poor choices, and also, that which has happened, that which is happening, and what is yet to happen.

 

Going to stick with

spending more time moving

cracking open my life

spending more time opening myself to people

and to be positive, and learn, and moving forward

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