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itsallgrand
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Giant syndrome. Interesting way to put it.

 

I really feel like something is changing inside me. Something new is happening. Looking at myself differently, feeling about myself differently, feeling about the people in my life differently. Possibly, feeling, feeling them without getting hung up on the details of their particulars. Getting closer to something of the spirit of a person again. The block is loosening, the vigilance is weakening.

 

Something strange about giving. Does the giving come first or does the having come first? Or is it simultaneous? Is there no giving and having? Something in me tells me that is the closest to correct. I gave something of myself to someone today, something I never would have thought myself capable of genuinely giving again. Love, gentleness, reassurance, even though I know it's just a blow in the wind. Still, why not a positive and affirming wind, something to give back all that support you have given me?

 

An hommage to my self. The me that came to enotalone, scared and witless and ready to strike.

Devastated at losing my best friend, my lover, my comrade in arms, my guy.

That was a long time ago.

What was even longer ago was what brought me to such a state to be so bent at my knees over the loss of someone again.

Years of being single. Years of being in therapy. Years of trying to find a simple sleep.

I did find it. I did find my self beyond that.

 

I am in transition. It is time I face up to that. It is alright. And it is alright for not everyone to be in my life for a long time. It is alright for us to love, knowing it will end.

 

[video=youtube;JBmxztx8ixk] ]

 

 

The lyrics:

 

The ghost inside my head, it never sleeps

It just rearranges thoughts and leaves me numb for weeks

But I'm okay, yeah I feel fine

Because I know there's more than one way to lose my mind

Lose my mind

Lose my mind

Lose my mind

 

The crows are at the fence, they never blink

They just sharpen all their claws and bear their twisted teeth

But I won't bend and I won't move

Don't have a lot left, just anger, and something to prove

So I can't lose

So I can't lose

So I can't lose

 

The cold spreads through the house

It bites my ears, I can't feel my hands or feet and I'm too scared to sleep

And now the ghosts are on the porch

Got knives in hand, oh no, I think I've seen this before

And I might lose

And I might lose

And I might lose

 

And all this time, I've been watching you sleep

And the strangest things have been happening to me, oh

And all this time, I've been watching you breathe

And the strangest things have been happening to me, oh

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Emotional day. Had two much needed heart to hearts. This week has been a rough patch for me, but it's been an even rougher patch for some others. Trying my hardest not to let my own get in the way of being there for some people that have needed me. Think I am doing quite well with that. Def. improvement over the past. Feeling things differently again. Thinking of it differently, rearranging again.

 

Last night, went to see a coworkers home which is their first home they bought ever. Spent some time there, had a really good time. Good people. Such a homey, warm place already and I was really happy and proud for her.

 

Tired bc I stayed up really quite late last night and I'm not used to doing that any more and haven't in a long time. Made myself get up at a reasonable hour, so I can be in bed tonight and at work tomorrow. But it was nice, and worth it. Socializing and enjoying people's company and just talking about anything.

 

Looking at my options as far as changing things up in some major areas of my life. Not really too excited about the prospect at the moment, not really too scared of it either, really just sort of feels like what I need to do now. The feelings will come later, and I do some of these things.

 

glad there's an extra day off this work week with good friday. good timing, could use it. and the week end will be good for catching up with everyone else i haven't seen in a while, and having a first bbq of the season. other than that, trying not to worry. to do what i did with my sleep, good mental hygiene to regulate sleep, and apply that more to through out the day. find that time i have to think, my mind fills up with worries and ruminating, and i mostly let it float along however it pleases. worrying wastes energy, makes me feel sick, makes me feel tired, and it's just time to manage it better.

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hmm let's see. woke up to frost and icy sidewalks. decided to stay in most of the day. sat on my butt a lot. was not very productive. that's ok, but could have used this day better. if only to cuddle my friends daughter, or went for a nice long walk, or went to the pool, or a thousand other things which would have been more in line with what would have been good for me today.

 

there is a part of me which self sabotages. it's nothing but habit at this point. so starting from now on, going to put more effort to breaking this particular bad habit.

 

there are things to do, people to see. my cozy spot can easily become a rat's nest.

 

one clue is the pile of laundry at the end of my bed. there is a basket right there. i woke up and was disgusted, kicked at it. Didn't do anything about it the whole day. A simple thing and that tells me a lot.

 

Was wallowing in my own today. Cried, and got upset, about something that happened a million years ago. Then remembered. Hey. That doesn't have anything to do with what is going on now. Give your head a shake. It's not so bad.

 

I think I am going to stop posting here so much except maybe to post in my journal, at least for a bit. I'm relying on it too much for entertainment and I'm simply spending too much time here. I don't watch tv, and I barely watch movies. I don't really play games, and I'm not stuck to my phone - I think I use all these things responsibly. I think I use the forum irresponsibly sometimes. I feel kind of weird typing that, but it is true. I need to own up to it and not be afraid to say it. I barely drink, and I barely abuse anything - not food, not substances except maybe drinking too much coffee on some days. This is my big vice. It would be good for me to give it a break.

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Just notes for myself. The worrying bit, when trying to apply not letting it do what I have always allowed it to do, is revealing itself for the truly nasty little habit that it is.

 

Easter. Spent it with family. Really good. But last night towards the end was smacked with a sadness, the heavy kind that seems to come out of nowhere. Have no idea exactly why. Feel better this morning. Not woo hoo happy girl better, but not that heavy feeling that followed me home last night.

 

Noticed I tend to feel that way after going back to the home where I grew up. Maybe it is a combination of memories. Maybe a combination of just knowing who all lives in that town. Makes me very reflective. Great big sky and looking at the stars. Lots of space and quiet. Pictures all over moms house, old things of mine, old things of all ours. Mom herself. So much that it could be. Comes down to a feeling and reflection that makes me wonder about my life and is it enough? Is it any good? Quickly takes a sad turn somehow. Even though there was so much love there and was this weekend.

 

Mom herself, really seeing her black humor as I get older. And her as an individual person. She is truly beautiful in her own way. Very different than me, but there are things about her that are so different from me that I admire too. Black humor but also 'inappropriate' humor sometimes. It used to be really hard on me, the way she phrases and says things sometimes. "ma, can I take this old book of mine?" "go ahead, less for you to go through when I die. Ha!". You have to hear it and know her though, this is no stab at me at all. It's her way of acknowledging her age and that she will one day die, and that she has been thinking about that. The way she says things...

.

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Another time...

 

What a strange couple of days.

 

[video=youtube;36_T05GeVt0] ]

 

Don't want to talk about it. Don't want to explain it. Objectivity is a b/ch.

 

Single again. Don't even want to type it. Single is fine. Losing him . . . suuuuucccckkkkkssss.

 

This is different. I have nothing but good will?!?!?! This isn't working. I won't fight you on it. I know deep down it would come to this. And I have been a little selfish trying to keep holding on.

 

Joe Cocker...and nearing 20 years now since I heard my father's voice, too. He'd sing off key, and pure genuine. Dad, you were the best. And, since you left, it's like there is a part of me that will never be understood in exactly that way again. That's ok, bc what you gave me, was more than enough for a lifetime. I just miss you sometimes.

 

Funny. At this age. Still think of my papa when I really need to be silently understood. It's not that I can't meet those needs on my own. It's just not the same. I do think it would have been a little easier to find the right man for me with you around to guide me. But I remember the value you saw in me, and that has always helped carry me through. I know it can't always go right.

 

I've been thinking about taking a trip to Europe. Might do me good.

 

You can run, but you can't hide. I won't run, and I won't hide. Truth is, this is all a symptom of my not having a clear enough sense of my own direction. Wandering around in life, wandering around in emotions, wandering around. Never laying down firm roots in anyone or anything. Let's get brutally honest here, shall we.

 

See it all as "temporary"....

 

and not in a spiritual sense. Not in an acceptance of life and death, comings and goings, cycles. In a way of avoiding having too firm of roots to get yanked out again.

 

My past does not have to determine my future. And it won't. But it's taking me this long to catch on to the true implications.

 

To all the men who have been in my life, and who are, and who will be...time to no longer lay in fear of your deaths.

 

And to those I hurt....I am sorry I feared your love.

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I could spill my guts tonight,

I'll just post something that is going to help me feel a little bit closer to myself and say,

well felt like s/t today

and thought I was doing a good deal of getting on with it but

never usually take my breaks, never mind full ones, never mind extra long ones, at work,

and today I did,

and sat and looked at all the food and coffees that everyone seems to bring me

all the god damned time

today it was two coffees a big container of sliced fruit a burger a muffin,

and wasn't hungry,

didn't even want coffee..

looked at all the people who are around me so many days,

and who I laugh and joke and work with,

and what I am doing there,

and what am I doing? period.

...

and sang like I haven't in years in the van,

which felt good just to hear my own voice,

and cried driving home,

whoa!

 

No "morning!". No "I love you." No any thing. Not from where my heart was on today.

 

Spotted an acoustic in one of the pawn shops. Might get it tomorrow. I'm going to follow my instincts.

That doesn't just go for a damned guitar, it goes for everything.

 

Looked at my home. Everything seems out of place again. Know that feeling?

 

Going to bed alone and no heavy thoughts will go to bed with me. I am allowed to have sleep and peace even if things are a bit sh/y.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Woke up and there is a slew of news. More news than yesterday even. Barely even wanted to read the newspaper today.

 

So of course today was the day that a guy, who I have seen quite a few times and he has asked me for various things (money, coffee, smokes) to be creepy. I am writing it down for posterity because, I thought in that moment, why am I doing this? Why am I on this street, right now, doing this? I could be somewhere comfy.

 

"Today I want your mouth, girl. Today I want your mouth." many times over, he said.

 

Let me tell you about what I know about him. He lives in a boarding house. He is white, mid fifties, I would guess. But I don't know. He has blue eyes. His life, from what I have seen, consists mostly of wandering the same streets looking for money, fetching beer and drugs, repeat. He is missing all the fingers on both of his hands. Sometimes he smells like urine, feces, and sweat. He isn't taking care of himself, and as far as I can see, there is no one watching over him. His fingers are blackened from smoking butts, and it looks too like he gets beaten up quite regularly. He has never been anything but placating to me before "please sister, please, please". Which I hate, btw, but never have been anything but polite and kind to him. His life is obviously sh/t, but it is people who try to sweet talk me who put me on the guard the most.

 

"today I want your mouth, girl." Flipping creeped me out. His eyes in a drugged up gloss. And he smelled like gas today.

 

Well, what would you do??

 

Nobody wants to acknowledge him. People turn their eyes away, move away, when they see him coming. Throw him money, enough money for him to buy his drugs.

 

There are too many people to fill the pages ...hospitals bursting...moneys tightening...housing shortages...increased cost of living, harder to find jobs...

 

I'm going to check the Salvation Army to see if they know him.

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I'm in a mood tonight but keeping it to myself. It has been a few days though since I heard that Great Big Sea cover of REM's "end of the world" and I still hate it. Almost felt, personally offended?! That is a bit far, but it felt really wrong, really ugly to me. And oh how I love covers..one of my favorite things is hearing multiple versions of a song, even if they arent all in a style particularly to my taste.

Been a while since a song brought so many feelings of dislike out of me; I like or can at least listen to almost anything. This isn't important, but it is something to talk about besides the rest right now. Trying not to express so much what I don't like, keep it more to myself (or better yet, think that direction less in general). But somebody had said if there is one music you couldn't stand, what would it be? And I couldn't think of it then. Now I can. East Coast jump up and down perky pub fare flavored music. That East Coast Flavour...and Great Big Sea is a good example of its obnoxiousness. Yah yeah I know, rich musical history there blahblahblah all kinds of music blahblahblah....distaste for the general lot of it. Anything that evokes 'that feeling', I think, it's the feeling that I really dislike.

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SO. This journal really is for myself, to rant and rave and put on a screen things that seem to mull inside me and most of it isn't the good stuff. Though there is lots of good stuff. I appreciate that people read it. It's just I know this can give an overly negative impression. And warning this post is going to have its share of negative.

 

Today has been my day off, with a early morning ahead. TMI - feeling physically so puffy, and emotional. Cliche as hell but it's not a coincidence it is bc I have my period today, and somehow that makes it easier to deal with and bear. Went for a swim, and did a lot of cleaning today. Went for a long walk. Miss long walks. Heater in my place isn't working. It's chilly, feels kind of wintry. SOon it will be getting the air conditoner going again.

 

Spontaenous crying. Did a lot of cooking, and a lot of thinking these last few days. Was chopping vegetables and was crying. lol. Jesus. But it felt good. And today walking, and getting out of the pool and drying off, looked in the mirror, just started bawling right there.

 

I missed him today. A lot. I do miss him but I can't go back.

 

And I'm wanting to put down things I am carrying. My intellect is feeling flabby. My soul, my heart, flabby. Too much resting. Too much physical endeavors. Too much repeating. I just always wanted to be of use, pragmatic. Sometimes I've felt really guilty. You know, since I was little people have been telling me I was smart. "gifted". I never really believed it all the way. And 'gifted'? Gifted, doesn't that mean something you are given? didn't have to work for it?

 

I received a posthumous validation recently. Someone else telling me to 'use my gifts'. Now even the dead are telling me ...do something more.

 

You know what? I am a disappointment to myself. Time to change that. In whatever way that needs to be. I'll try doing it differently, I'll try thinking it differently, I'll try ...I don't want to be disappointed anymore.

 

I got furious, I get furious. Sometimes I do feel like a little child throwing emotional tantrums. Futile, impotent - that is what it is. So hard on a person, so hard on me. It's beyond time to get past that...somehow.

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Been going since three in the morning. Stayed really busy today. Sleepy now.

 

Felt pretty good. It's warmer out today. Mixed feelings about that. Got a sense of why I tend to get the blues when it turns to spring in a somewhat detached sort of way today. Had twinges of that familiar feeling. But it wasn't oppressive, was able to actually look at it. It is a sense of pressure. Anxiety. Seeing trash all over the streets. The snow melting away. All but ugly black little hills now. And some broken up ice. I notice things I don't normally in winter. I don't like that sense that things are suddenly naked. I don't like the increased almost frantic pace people start taking. I don't like so many people milling about, all of the time. I don't like that I can suddenly see, and suddenly feel critical of, flaws of my skin and body - even though I'm naked more than enough in winter to see myself, see myself in a swimsuit more than enough times in winter. But it's different. The sun has a harshness. Suddenly there is heat to deal with. Even the idea of it.

 

Those are some things. Just putting them out there and not going to stew on it at all. Just to put it into words.

 

Also, people are so fickle this time of year. I don't know. It's like the feeling of having a nice warm blanket ripped off you and someone yelling at you to me.

 

Happy thoughts. ?! Waking up some days when it is all misty and still cool. Little kids running and playing at the beach, on the streets, in their yards. Heating up some coffee on a campfire on an early summer morning. The sun coming through the window nice and early. The smell of warm skin. So many things.

 

Really wish there was a simple solution to my temperamental nature. Something stronger to balance it. Something stronger than I have found in my life thus far. Still looking....

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  • 2 weeks later...

The words "not feasible" are eating away at me. I'm going to have to do something productive with it. Cold, clinical, the words are. Well, that is the feeling. That coldness and distance when you said it. And it's following me in my days. "not feasible, not feasible"...

 

[video=youtube;GMIF93jqRN8] ]

 

I'm having trouble shaking something that is "not feasible". My mind knows what that means. My mind agrees.

 

Maybe there has been an appeal to me in the challenge of trying to take the hard way...so many times, now. Gotta push things til they hurt?!

 

My whole mind and heart is in turmoil and upset and change right now. Everything is upside down, and I don't know what the hell I am doing. What the hell have I been doing?!

 

On my own. Trying to figure this s/t out.

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Had a nice day.

 

Only really feel badly now when I sit and focus on things which upset me.

 

Staying engaged in new things, new experiences, good company, interesting books ideas conversations, positive things which I want more of in my future and my now, being grateful, consciously shifting over my mind to look for the positive, making sure I reach out and connect with others and with animals and nature and kids, this all helps. Will list more of this later. It helps to reaffirm it and list it too. Keep it going, keep it growing. Always adding on and building this. These muscles need exercise, they aren't as strong as they could be. Not as strong as would help make me more limber, less rigid, and happier and more able to adjust to conditions as they happen.

 

Well I finally listened to the full tracks which he had given me of his music. It's been sitting here in my desk looking funny and out of place. He had commented a while back "did you even listen to the album?". Look I'll be honest here. It was still painful to listen to. People and their music, it's hard sometimes. But I did today. Some songs I didn't like, some songs I loved. Some messages I didn't like, and that is nothing new. I can't scrap about that forever. I liked the harder direction he took, the rawer qualities and progressions now. I didn't particularly like the female vocalist that was in some of the songs, too whiny for my tastes, but that is a slightly biased opinion as well. Knowing that spot was open to me and I told you to shove it. And yeah, I think I would have been better, better suited and you even said so yourself, but then I should have done it. And yet the reasons why I didn't. So other than right here, won't say a bad word about those vocals. Won't say a word about any of this unless you directly ask me. Even then, don't want to have this conversation because there would be no point. I'm just thinking out loud here.

 

Tomorrow is another day and that is good. Watched an episode tonight of Star Trek and that was good. Calming. Nice cap on the day.

 

There is so much on my mind and there are so many words. I'm just going to go to sleep with happy thought and not try to organize it all right this second. The mental and emotional rutting - directly linked to a obsessiveness with wanting to thoroughly go over every little detail of experience, of thought, of life. This doesn't work. Really have to get more in the habit of letting some things be. Letting some things be lightly touched on. Letting things be ...in other capacities other than the foreground, to have been addressed. I like, and I feel a compulsion mentally and emotionally, to focus in strongly on certain people and certain emotions. Certain situations, certain stories as well.

 

I'm still growing up. this is why I didn't, haven't, had kids. This is why I am single. I know there is no "ok, now you are grown, over and done, you are good now" place. It's not totally linear. But regardless of circumstances, those who have been in my life, opportunities, anything...I haven't been ready for beyond what I have chosen. I'm ok to say that simply now. Without having to add on all that helped create all that made me unable to be what I have not been. I want to say what I am. And finding that much more difficult. Which is ...alarming, saddening, and exciting, great all at once.

 

Once upon a time I felt like a failure. And now it's all starting to make a whole lot of sense. Losing not only a father, but my community, my support network, all as a kid. Dealing with added responsibilities, the impact of sexual abuse and coming out about it, and alcoholism. Dealing with being psychologically traumatized. Waking up for years and years with visions of horror, blood, death, force, neglect, abandonment all pounding my skull. My abilities to gauge the world around me, people, to process information, emotions, even love...f/ked up. Impaired. My abilities to gauge myself.

 

And the choices I made, repeatedly, to be alone. Felt alone, so was alone. tried to do it that way. for a very long time. and regardless of who or what was in my life. threw away some relationships. threw away some opportunities. lost my ability to see beyond my choices there for a good long while.

 

and now. awake from the nightmare. yet still cobbling all of the new world still together. trying to make sense. trying to make something new.

 

in my house. what is real and what is not. what is authentic and what is not. what is mine and what is not.

 

You only get one life and it doesn't last forever. make it good.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This week has been super fantabulous.

 

Today..not so much. W T F. ? ! ? ARGGHH ! ? ! ? Bahahaarrff ahahak! !

 

Sad. Mad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Unhappy. Anxious. Unsettled. Disturbed. Insecure.

 

[video=youtube;QE2joQsWXJg] ]

 

Always hated HATED the Hip. Hated! Who hates it?! Background for any prairie girls life. Can't help it. It happens. It works its way under your skin. Playing in the truck on the way to places. Concerts your friends go to. Concerts you go to. Playing in bars, lounges, waiting rooms, friends and families homes and bbqs. Playing when you are sad. Playing when you are happy. Playing when you are drunk. Playing when you are trying to sleep.

 

And I never liked the way it made me feel.

 

Today this song was playing while I was feeling real conflicted and weird and it actually felt good to sing to it. To listen to it note by note. Don't know why today and don't care to figure it out. Only listen. And sing.

 

blahblahblah.

!

blah!!

 

Presents to myself:

made that pact not even a week ago

first honest day of summer

green grass under my feet, sunshine on my face, f/king happy,

"Wow feeling like this, being like this, truly feels great. gonna make it my new normal."

 

Awesome f/king week.

And dancing with joy. Dancing, spontaneous physicality.

Laughing, loving it all.

Joie de vivre.

ME. AT NORMAL.

 

Presents to me:

so much love

appreciation

time spent

 

So much confidence. "Confidence is that faith a person has in oneself. It's extremely difficult for one to give it to another."

 

Yup.

 

Something took a shot at my confidence. And it's my job to not let it get my down.

 

One, two, three shot. Then from another source. Wow. Feeling a little dazed here. Pissed off first. Sad next. Anxious. Mad sad disappointed. And there's the pattern. Next comes feeling like s/t.

 

No. Not this time. Not this time. I made a pact!

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Had some bad dreams and I know they were triggered by seeing those pictures. Really made me uncomfortable to have them shown to me. And I'm not sure what the motivation was for that person to share them with me. Always figured he liked me well enough, but maybe not? Why show me pictures of an ex? And more importantly, why do I even care any more? Of course he likes me well enough. Why would he think showing me that would still make me uncomfortable years later?

 

Well, cause of the pool. Cause of the water pics.

 

How'd you get him in there? Yeah fully clothed. Still in there. And I know who the woman is.

 

I didn't even want to post this. But I have to. I have to get through this little kink. You had all that time to get in the pool with me. And you didn't. You didn't. My happy place. And now seeing those stupid pictures. And with someone who it doesn't mean anything to. I really don't want to be bothered by this. But I am. She cheats. Lies. Steals. Mooches. She undercuts anyone who gets in her way. She'll undercut someone just for fun. Since this is my journal here are the adjectives I'd use for her, whether or not you had ever known her: slag. user. vampire. troll. ditch pig. She's nasty! She doesn't care about herself. She's a drunk. She gets drunk simply to have sex with you. When she will have sex with you. She's gone home with other men after showing up with you. She sends pics to any guy with eyes. Nude ones. She draws on her eyebrows for christ's sake!

 

So my assessment has been that yeah, she sucks, on her own merit, and she's not someone I'd want to know. She uses you. Still clearly, you get something out of it.

 

I am beating myself up because I am thinking, that I should be thinking, well sometimes things turn out disappointing and sometimes people change and sometimes you don't know as well as you think you know. That the two of you are actually a good pair up. Good for you - finding someone who will put up with your crappiest of crap that I never would put up with?! lol. I am beating myself thinking I should be thinking, well what do you want of him anyways? Nothing. You don't want him. So it shouldn't matter. And. This part of my brain also tells me. I don't like being that person who sees the ugly in people so much. Everyone has their redeeming qualities. Well, most people, have at least some. And maybe that is why you are drawn to her. Maybe you two actually are happy. And even if you aren't, I should be wishing for that. Genuinely feeling that way and saying inside "well good luck" etc. good wishes.

 

And some part of me does. Think that and feel that. Only right now not so much. Right now thinking that what really appealed to you about me maybe was my damage. My broken parts, my broken bits. That you can only handle that. You couldn't handle it when I started to get my self confidence back. When I was so desperately in need.

 

Yeah, she is in need. I'll give her that.

 

So that is my unloading for today. Onwards to a great day. Doing what I LOVE. Surrounded by some really cool people.

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Why are the exs all coming out of the woodwork now? It's messing with my head.

 

One trying to pursue me. huh why.

 

One that I wrote above about and those people that knew us as a couple, all suddenly telling and showing me s/t about him and his woman? huh why. Today got unsolicited comments about him and her and me and what used to be and what he is looking for and what he is about and how he misses me and how his confidence is shot and blah blah blah.

 

W h a t. Leave me the f alone! I don't want to deal with this crap. I don't want it in my head. In my mind. It's my past. NOW is me single. Happy. Having recently got out of a very nice short union. With a guy who was awesome. And never once did he make me feel like crap. He's ready for marriage and kids; I am not. And maybe won't ever be. But it gave me the insight into what is possible again. Instead of "I love you like crazy even though you drive me nuts"..."I love you."

Instead of when things aren't working, finding the man I love with a ghoul and crying to me. ... "We need to talk about what is and is not working."

 

Funny how, it has taken me so long to stop being angry - which I am learning was a way to hold on and victimize myself after a while - and to start looking at how to move on! What I want - not what I dont want! Not what 'should' but what 'is'.

 

What IS.

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I really understand your thoughts on your last two posts. I laughed so much with the drawn on eyebrows..lololol

 

That thing you mention at the pool..my ex was scared of everything, couldn't get him to go to the beach rocks with me. He was also terrified of heights. After our BU I saw a pic of him where he had gone gliding. Up in the eair. Gliding. I felt so stupid for all the things I excused based on his fears.

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Thank you for laughing at the drawn on eyebrows! That was an important emphasized part of my rant! lol. Seriously! It's strange to be looking at something and get this feeling like "hmm so everyone else is just going to pretend this isn't ridiculous?!" The eyebrows drawn on like those little old ladies I see really was too much.

 

I do feel somewhat stupid for having been so casual in accepting that he wasn't a water person. When a lot of my favorite things include getting into water! Not only do I feel a little stupid for doing that, I feel like I am starting to understand some of our in capabilities/incompatibilities in a different. way. I'm starting to wonder how we made it so long! Without one of us taking off on the other or some higher drama earlier.

 

Maybe she is a better match for him even! She's the type who will tag along on his adventures without inconveniencing him with any of herself. When we were together, there were many times I told him "No" to things too. She won't. When he had asked me to pick up my life and leave all my family and friends to live somewhere the job prospects for me would have been poor, I said no. She said yes. She went somewhere with no job and no friends of her own there. Move in with him and has no claim on anything! Walked right into his circle and adopted his friends as her own. I would never do that. Never in a million years. That's only one example. I was thinking and they fit better too in other ways. Maybe not ways that i approve of (haha) or think are healthy ( - but in ways that may be appealing to him and make things easy for him to be with her.

 

Like for example, most of his interactions with people is limited to this subculture of music and activism. I like music. I like activism and politics. But I was an outsider. Didn't grow up in that particular group, it was kinda cliquey too. And he had a lot of troubles ,still does, in venturing out of that comfort zone and doign anything which involves going outside of that little community. Most of my friends and life are outside of that community. Ahh, yes, and she comes from that and is comfortable there and as uncomfortable being outside of it as him. So it makes sense.

 

It's taken/taking me so long ot put this all in perspective! But it's happening.

 

I'm starting to see a future for my self that is different and doesn't include hang ups from my past. Mostly to do with my insecurities about being psychologically 'broken'. Screw that!!

 

I look at the world and the people in it, and I'm not doing too bad. I'm pretty awesome. Have my rough side, but so what? Most people do.

 

My last boyfriend really had me thinking of what it would be like to build a life together with someone. It's not something I've thought of with positive feelings for a very long time! I was not ready and know I would have ended up hurting him. But it didn't make me scared or sad thinking of what I would give up to do it with him - - I was seeing the gains, not the compromises - - kind of a big thing, as I'm starting to realize I've been terrified of committing on that level for some time.

 

[video=youtube;lIPan-rEQJA]

 

It's raining here this morning and have this song in my head...good feeling song right...

 

"and I wonder, and I wonder, who shot Mc Cain?"...

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It's been very cathartic to talk about the ex. And to put it in a new perspective.

I've been thinking more.

When somebody tells you something, listen. You know I have had a hard time listening to people. Particularly when my stress levels were high and battling my own demons over the years. And my stress was often high. My demons often wanted top priority. There was a lot I didn't listen to.

To think of this now is not to beat myself up for my failures. But to acknowledge them. A lot of them I wouldn't have been able to say sorry for until very recently. How can you say sorry for something you don't truly see. It was my failure to not listen with the attention he deserved at the time and my failure in not taking a lot of what he said seriously. I am talking starting from the beginning. I was quite an attention monster sometimes. Even though he did do much and tried to support me in my struggles as much as he could, I did always seek more. I was quite unappreciative as far as showing that I understood his limits. I did not understand nor completely respect his limits. At times, I was quite selfish.

 

The point of the matter is taking out of it some understanding that my thinking was very much, and for a long time, of the sort where I thought it was alright to be like that. And if he didn't like it, my attitude was that he could buzz off. Charming, isn't it? This has come out too in my last relationship. Except more sublte, and I started to catch myself in my own brat behavior. And see it for what it is.

 

I was thinking of dad in relation to this. Only knew him as a child, really. And as that child, was quite pampered by him. Always remember him with great love and fondness. But of course he was human. And I do remember our talks and how dad related to me. I was his princess, in many ways. I could quite literally get away with some very bad behavior with him. The exact bad behaviors which in huge relief played out with men later on. Don't get the attention I want? Be loud, opinionated, and do a snub. He'll come round to hear what you have to say. And make you feel better. This only added to my frustration and pain in trying to navigate later on. I honestly thought it was quite normal.

 

It's ugly to see this yet it is cathartic. It's the extreme root of it, the cause (it worked. and seemed to work for a long time.) . And obviously it was only in certain situations where this part came out. But it always weighed on me. Knowing this wasn't a way of handling those very tense moments which left not only me with a greater sense of esteem in my self but also, leaving the other person feeling respected and considered as they deserve. Instead, I felt worse when I would do it.

 

This has great implications because I even do it to myself. Throw that fit to try and control my own self soothing and reassurance and care. And it has been quite destructive and an impairment to my healing with those losses which have been hard for me.

 

I've feeling a lot of compassion for myself and others these last few days. I'm trying harder to be there. Really there presently and listen. It's not easy for me. I catch myself slipping all the time. But it's such a nice feeling and place to be when I do accomplish it. And it will get easier the more I do it.

 

When someone tells you something, listen. It's not irrelevant because you are having a bad day. And it's not irrelevant because you are having a hard time focusing at the moment. This goes for others. This goes for myself. Listen to what is going on with me. Listen to what is going on with others. Not only some of the time, but most of the time. It's one step further from the ghost of alienation which has haunted me. That feeling of being unable to really connect without wanting to pull away.

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So at work there is one particular person who I really dislike. Out of everyone there, and not everyone is my favorite person, but I can get along with near anyone. At least enough to do the work we need to do together and be pleasant. Most of my co workers are beyond that and I have a lot of like and appreciation for them.

But this one particular person....

 

So have had to be in more contact with her than normal this week. I don't like her, for sure. And I wouldn't like her no matter where I interacted with her. But her being in a job that she is (IMO) incompetent at, and because of how she is (the opposite on pretty much every front of what I value) is especially hard for me to deal with. I truly believe her being in that position is putting people at risk every single day. And the organization. I am still trying to find a way to address these concerns without coming accross as though this is a personal issue (i.e. me just trying to get rid of her, which I would like, but I wouldn't never do that based on purely personal feelings!). Even to complete a simple task which involves her turns into a huge thing. I do my best to keep it professional but I have to be honest and say that at times it is really hard. She makes me cringe regularly, and because I pretty much wear what I feel and think on my face and in my actions all the time (no good at faking anything really), other people notice. It's no secret that I hate dealing with her.

 

I try to keep contact so minimal, and yet she seeks me out. I really just don't know what to do at this point. As I've never dealt with someone so oblivious in my life. That sounds dramatic, but it's true. She is very oblivious to other people's feelings, thoughts, and is downright disrespectful as far as respecting what people say and do and are.

 

Guess this is a vent then. Trying to find the solution. Once this intense period of work ends, I am thinking of going to the big head and now discussing my concerns. Cause this is getting ridiculous. I've actually considered leaving my job because of the current situation. I hope I don't have to.

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She wasn't at work today. Tuckered out. hahaha. Yes!! But I bet she'll be back tomorrow. Acting like she is a 'hero' again. While everyone else in the joint puts in the heavy hours and work.

Sigh. She isn't even higher up than me and it gets on my nerves. She isn't in my sphere of influence. It really shouldn't bug me so much! I need to get my mind off the negative!

 

Genuinely exhausted. Too. Much. Work. Was hot n sticky getting home. Crowded out there. Just wanted to get somewhere quiet. With people I love.

 

Soon. Soon I'll get a break.

 

Meanwhile.

 

Hey you in the summer dress and sunglasses. Wish that was me today. I am so embarrassed right now. Haven't had the time to keep myself looking even a little bit cute. Need a haircut (again!). Need to shave (TMI!). Need some more new clothes that fit - lost some weight again. I don't even have one good belt to keep my pants from riding down.

 

Feeling grungy and like I am missing the party. Only need some time off. Soon.

 

And man I miss the pool! A whole week without it and I'm like a junkie going in withdrawal. It helps so much. To keep me grounded sane and feeling physically healthy and strong relaxed.

 

Thank you, random man today, who told me "if you can look glamorous in that, you can look glamorous in anything." It felt good to be seen as attractive while all the pretty girls are out in their finest.

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Saw you posted a Chet Faker song. I really love his cover of No Diggity. Not sure if you've heard that one or not, but dude it's so good lol. Check it out if you haven't heard it.

 

Keep in mind that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

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I did! I agree! (about the No Diggity cover).

 

And yes, makes for a totally dull boy. Thank you. The reminder was the extra tiny push needed to get myself to make at least a wee bit of time for me and something other than work.

 

Today was a day off. Needed it sooo bad. Last night got myself properly cleaned up. Took off out of the city for the night. Some good company, clean air, planted a few things in my garden, seeing the open sky and stars, nice healthy meals, a good sleep, walking on grass in my bare feet, splashing in some water, laughter. Did me a world of good.

 

Took this Wednesday off too. Dull, drained, and negative is not okay.

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Health, stress management (keeping my stress low), enjoyment and room for growth: these are to be priorities in the coming days and weeks.

 

Is this healthy? Is there some healthier way to do it?

Am I enjoying myself? My life?

Am I growing? Am I allowing myself room to grow and express myself? Explore my interests? My passions? Do and be what comes naturally to me?

Am I trying to control things again? lol. How does that feel? What happens?

How does it make me feel? Do I feel well? What makes me feel bad? How can I avoid and minimize that which makes me feel bad? How can I increase which makes me feel well and good?

 

Do I feel a sense of completeness in myself? Fullness? Integrity?

 

Right now I am tired. Had a lovely little break. Back to 'the routine' for two days. How can I make it different and less exhausting? More fulfilling? More a part of my complete life and less its separate little world that I get sucked into? A challenge for the next few days to try a few things differently with this in mind.

 

What is actually causing me so much stress? What can actually be managed or changed or eliminated?

 

It's a lesson which has been repeated many times and many ways in my life. Stress has huge effects on health, quality of life, quality of emotional experiences and negativity/positivity and even a will to live. To want to experience and be open to life fully.

 

Stress has made me sick. And healthy management and balance has made me well. Remember this. Always.

 

Also, do not forget. The power of positive touch, intimacy, emotional and mental connection which is healthy and natural, listening to your natural needs and instincts, giving oneself permission to experience and to embrace and actively choose the best your heart and mind and body can envision.

 

Every moment is a choice. And how easy it is to get clouded to the profound scope and depth of personal choice.

 

I believe much anger and suffering is bound up to me through personal negligence of positive choice. And that is a hard fact. Also a hopeful understanding. If there is energy there for a strong negative, there is energy there for a strong positive.

 

And may everyone have beautiful sleeps and dreams tonight. Me too!

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So it came out today that the coworker which I have been stressing over is having an affair with my boss. It is all coming together and making sense now. Why she is even there.

 

Of course there were rumours and it didn't come as some huge surprise. However, I honestly suspended coming to that conclusion myself until now. Several employees had collected pictures. They were not exactly discreet. Clients have made official complaints about the level of professionalism and issues with this woman. Also, it came to light that several employees had been collecting information on her - all her violations and instances where she was putting people at risk (or had put pressure on people to do work which would have put them at risk). Also, her chronic lateness and failures to keep appointments and do what she was hired to do. The woman truly is incompetent and a risk to everyone. Well it's all coming to a head now. ANd my boss is on the carpet big time as well for his negligence and failure to do HIS job as of late. Not to mention, diddling the underling.

 

I am disappointed with my boss and have lost a lot of respect. Not only on a professional level (how he has been acting lately since she came on the scene has been a steady decline in professionalism and trust). On a personal level too. I do not want to work for this man any more. He hired her.

 

It feels like a big joke. And I feel like these people have wasted my time and my work. My energy. I truly put my heart into what I do and it never stops disappointing me that there are people out there who simply do not care about what they are doing. **** and money first.

 

ANd it made me think and feel too again about when men cheat. One man in my whole life cheated on me, and I allowed that to have such a lasting effect on me. It really gutted me out like a fish. To this day, I find myself thinking about it. That people can do this. I just don't understand it and maybe never will completely. Why a person would do it. It's so ugly to me. ANd it just isn't in my nature. I have my own ugliness but it isn't that. That I can't put my head and heart around all the way.

 

Anyways, she too is not a looker. ANd she isn't a thinker, or have a body to kill or anything. I guess what she offers is a willingness to do things other women wouldn't. And I was reading here not that long ago, and have heard it before too and seen it with my own eyes (and I feel it happened to me) that the men do not choose someone as attractive as their current partner to cheat with. Usually, they are less attractive. I know what it is to make these kinds of judgments - subjective. But I've seen it happen so many times. My aunts who are divorced - all their ex husbands were cheating with these women that made you go "waaah?". Not pretty ladies.

 

And in my life, seeing a lot of the things I do, it seems to me that as you slide down morally and ethically, you slide down your standards in other places too. And the further into the ditch you go, the further your standards drop on all levels. Like people stop caring. When my ex cheated on me, he had been on a steady decline to not caring about anything. He stopped taking care of himself in the same ways. He became apathetic. He started eating a lot of 'special' cookies. ANd become obsessed with anything that can and will give temporary, quick pleasure.

 

Sometimes, yes, the vulgarities of life scare me and sadden me. This is nothing new.

 

I'm looking for that person who I can share with and who will share with me a strong resolve for staying out of the ditch. ha! A lot more than that, but I will not go down a hole with somebody because they stop caring. And I don't mean just about me - I mean about life and what it means to care. Care about people and oneself. Actual caring - not selfish indulgence.

 

I mean, besides being such a pain in the ass, creating so many extra troubles, hurting people, hurting oneself, etc., the vulgarities are extremely tedious and boring and take so much energy. It's a game of putting back the pieces and patching up gaping wounds and trying to beat the clock. And they never win. Their winnings are like a gamblers winnings. Very short and will all be lost in the next night.

 

Anyways. This whole thing may be an opportunity in disguise for me to do something different again. Break out of my comfort zone and my patterns, too. Maybe even find a different job.

 

We will see what happens.

 

You know it isn't a good sign when you yourself stop caring the way you used to. And that is how I am starting to feel about that workplace.

 

I bought a scratch ticket on my way home from work and lost my ten bucks. lol.

 

We are expecting a thunder storm tonight and maybe even some tornados around my old home area. I remember camping out in basement waiting out tornado warnings. And one tore the roof right off my grandpas business. My home now is multilayered and no basement. So we will see how stormy it gets tonight.

 

I did walk in to today looking for opportunties to keep my priorities in mind. And it was an interesting day. ANd for some reason, I came accross a lot of people whose faces looked familiar to me but I couldn't place a name or how exactly I knew them. But they recognized me. ANd were happy to see me . That bolstered my spirits today. Knowing that when I've come accross these people, I left a good feeling with them. Something good or positive. And they remember kind things about me.

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