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I ate well yesterday. And drank lots of water. And didn't smoke. And I'm trying to do everything to clear my head. Went to bed at a good hour. Went for a nice long walk and talked to my friend.

 

Still, I feel like garbage about now. Emotionally. I feel emotionally water logged.

 

Just going to focus on work and things I want to get done for the next while. And taking extra care of myself. And surrounding myself with good people.

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Sometimes there are things that just trigger that bad spiral. The one where something just snaps in your head and then life plays like a movie. You feel like you're paddling up river but you don't have any paddles.

 

Don't worry this too shall pass. It always does. Hugs.

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Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot.

 

I haven't smoked today. And that is an important thing. That scared the crap out of me. Scared the crap out of myself. To lose control like that. Quitting was a tremendous relief for me when I did it. It was also a huge challenge, more challenging than I really figured it would be, so it was a huge accomplishment too to overcome it.

 

I can't let that go. And I won't. What I gained by staying smoke free.

 

Other than that, today was a good day for conversation with my favorite co worker. Not about anything personal with me. Just good conversation, and with only the two of us there for most of the day, we got to talk talk - not simply chit chat. That was good.

 

I was super hungry when I got home today. That must be good. But I haven't been eating much at all for nearly a week now. And when I put it into words and on the computer screen (what I have been eating, what I need to be eating, compare) - it helped to put my consciousness on it and make it easier to do something about it. Probably ate a bit too much for supper; cous cous and lots of veggies and pork. But it made me feel a little better.

 

Yeah, the ex has been the trigger. He has seen me at my all times lows. He was there for that. A lot of years of that. Thinking of him again and putting it in today's perspective - of where and who I am now, what has happened, what and who he is now, just all of it - it's made me introspective and turned my emotions up side down to say the least.

 

Some of it has some potential for taking some good out, I am already realizing. I was thinking of all the things I didn't give him when we were together, all the stuff I put him through, all of my end and what I have brought to the table as a person. And where I failed has been all right there at the surface.

 

I can use this to be a better person. And it's not that I am not good enough. I am. Overall, who I am. What I mean is I can make better choices and not do that to someone again. Maybe I'll never make it up to him - and maybe he will never make up to me his mistakes either. But I want to be okay with that. I don't want to have bad feelings any more . I don't want to paint him the monster either, because he really isn't. Like they say, there are always two sides to every story, and then the truth. So much has been my particular interpretation, and not always objective, trying to work out my end of things.

 

Anyways. It just sort of dawned on me that he is just trying to work things out the same as me. Work through his own issues, and be happy. It's not my load to carry.

 

I feel like I haven't been paying enough attention for a long time. A long time. So wrapped up in my inner world. And I know that is very true. Over the years, I lost some good friends to it. and of course, I lost him. I've lost opportunities, and I've lost experiences too that I can never get back.

 

I could say that it is because I couldn't, because I wasn't available, because of my own issues. And it is true. But that doesn't take away from what the concequences of that have been, and ARE, in all the different ways that they manifest. How it has impacted other people, and myself. Other people - some of them people that have or are very important to me. Myself - what that in turn means for the quality and experience of my life.

 

In short, this isn't just about me. And it never has been. I've often thought and acted as though it were - it's really true, and I've known this deep down for a long time. It ate at my self confidence, my sense of pride in who I am and my integrity. It hurts to feel this in my bones and so completely. I am still digesting it. Still trying to incorporate this in; to everything I do, think, say, choose.

 

This is difficult, but this can also be good. I am going to give it my 100%. To use this.

 

I also realized that I have never really allowed myself the option inside of getting married or having kids - partially because of this. I convinced myself that...well if you just don't get too committed to anyone or anything - you can't fail anybody. And you can be selfish without really hurting anyone.

 

It isn't true though. You just can't live in bubble and not impact others. All the time. No matter what you are going through.

 

I was able to comprehend that when it came to other people; but not myself. It is always a different story when it is yourself; isn't it. It's the hardest lesson to learn, the hardest part to acknowledge.

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My aunt who has wanted to be a grandma for a long time (her kids are in their 30s) is finally going to be one. And of course, she is ecstatic. My cousin's gf is 7 months pregnant and my aunt brought in the 3D pics of the baby to show me today. So cool! Amazing to see the little guys features and everything. You can already tell too that he has a nose like hers. I was happy for her. And the new addition to the extended family.

 

It was funny in a way though, because with the thinking I've been doing lately, and then a mutual friend of mine and my aunts happened to stop by when she was showing me the picture. And he right away assumed it was my baby (nm that I'd think at 7 months, it would show lol, but he just assumed without even thinking about it!). It was a sort of interesting experience to let myself feel what I really feel about the whole concept of me having a baby . People tend to comment to me a lot "I always thought you would be a mother by now, rather surprised you aren't. Not judging; just surprised. With how much you love kids and you strike me as a motherly type." I never really took offense, I mean in a way it is a compliment, but I never really thought about it much either. People don't know the ins and outs of my life - and why I didn't really consider it an option, never mind make it a priority. I do; I know the ins and outs, but its taking me this long to really deal with it.

 

What applies to a man, applies to a baby or a family too. "if you just don't commit too much, you can't fail them." This HAS been my belief. And it's a rather negative one. Also, proving to be false.

 

Anyways, the theme of the week seems to be commitment. My brother finally moved in with his long time girlfriend. And they are merging their lives; I see it going to a marriage, maybe children. Well they openly talk about the children they will have. It's exciting, and it's good.

 

Oh and this is pretty big. Someone asked me to take in their baby. And adopt her. She is a newborn. I told my aunt this today. She simply asked me "well, do you want to take her? why don't you do it then?".

 

Ok well that is something I never even considered in my list of life choices; becoming a single mom, who adopts! I suppose it does happen though; in fact, I know it does. And I was bound to come accross this eventually, maybe i even set myself up for it, by being around people who need help with either raising their kids, and around kids who don't really have stable families to speak of.

 

I want to be there for that little girl. I will be, and I want to help her mom make the best possible choice to help give her daugther a great life. But there are families out there who are more than ready for a child. Who desperately want one, and are waiting to jump at the chance at providing love and support to a beautiful little kid. I most certainly want to steer her in considering that very good option. Maybe I can help her...?? And in the meantime, make sure that baby gets everything and all the love she deserves.

 

So it's an eventful week, in a way. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want...and want I want to give. What i honestly can give; cutting all the crap.

 

One thing I want: to further my education and my career. I work a lot; but I'd like to put some of that energy put in now into the future and my development more in this next period of my life. I'm single, and I'm still in a situation where there is quite a bit of flexibility in my life as far as making some bigger adjustments without too many complications. So now is the time to do it.

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Ugh, I'm beat. I think it is about that time to be thinking of phasing out super early mornings all together.

Maybe after Christmas season. Make that transition.

No nap today. And I could have really used one. By one two pm; was feeling cranky and tired. My mood did shift around again later, and had a fun night. And soo needed that. Fun. Laughing. Enjoying.

 

But I am so ready for bed now. And I would have really liked to have stayed out longer. And be conscious for it.

 

Noticed something else. If I sit still for too long; and too long is more than an hour, sometimes less, I start to get anxious. Some days it is less noticeable than others. When I am tired or stressed or emotional; it's more noticeable. But it's rather constant. Keeping my body and mind moving is very good for me, it works.

 

I don't know even how some people can sit and watch tv for hours on end. Or work an office job that is constant sitting for most of those eight hours. I start to go a little nuts. A lot of times, for me, a movie is a stretch. I so want to get out of the theater or out of the room and moving (usually before the movie has come to its close).

 

And yet, this doesn't apply to reading. I can sit and read for a long time, and if it's interesting, not feel that way. Just stop when I am tired or it's time to do something else, or when I am hungry or my body wants some movement. But not anxiety.

 

Anyways. It was something my friend commented on tonight too. And it is kinda nice to have some people in my life who understand that about me, without it being 'an issue'. Simply "oh are you starting to feel a bit squirmy? yeah we have been sitting for a while now". and no one takes offense nor needs further explanation.

 

Cutting out the very early shifts would help my social life too. It's extra money, but I've got other ways to make some extra money and no reason I can't be applying them.

 

I'll figure something out. First; sleep.

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So my mind has been churning over what to do about a certain set of circumstances.

And then....

 

it hits me. There is nothing TO do.

 

It is one of those things that aren't meant to be taken action on, there is no action with an outcome, it is only to be accepted.

 

Those are the hardest things for me. To just accept it. A new bit of information, a new bit of reality.

 

Is it that part of me that always wants to take the reins, do something, control the outcome - control. Yes.

 

And I'm coming to terms with my personality and values. More than coming to terms.

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Did whoppers always taste like that?! Yeah that will keep me away from the junk for another week now. I didn't care for it at all. Was disappointed; I was excited to eat it. The meat especially was pretty terrible.

It was a day for cookie pants. And had cravings for a smoke. Ugh. So nasty to be so aware of it again.

 

Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. It wasn't a bad day. But it was a rather stagnant one. Even my mind was repetitive.

 

A positive: I am much better at handling disappointment and emotional upset now. I am better at looking at things clearly. I am better at communicating. I am better at self soothing.

 

Last night I had some super vivid flashes of disturbing images come into my head when I was laying down to sleep. It helps tremendously to be able to identify them for what they are. And to not invest it with further emotion. It happened. I am carrying some stress right now. It's my bodys way of telling me to be extra careful with myself right now. That is all.

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A man was murdered. Outside my place of work. So now crime tape and cops parked watching the evidence. Lucky me get to go back there for three in the morning.

 

I'm trying this Tension Tamer tea. And it's not bad; I like it. My belly is comfortably full with good food and I go home to a quiet little neighborhood. Drinking out of my camping cup; just cause it makes me feel good. My friend got it for me and put it in a stocking one year. Cause she knew how much I loved these type of mugs (even though they get so hot to the touch and get so cold fast too). We had ruined a bunch and she wanted to make sure I had at least one.

 

Such little things. That keep me together.

 

I hate those brand new houses. All crammed up together. And the way you feel the need to announce it. The name of the development. Like you identify with it. Status. Well whatever. Have your status. I just don't like those brand new houses and how they feel. And you've got a patch of grass the size of a bathroom and even that, you cover up with crap.

 

They cut down that big pine. And then the bum didn't have anywhere to sleep. Dispossessed along with birds and squirrels. No, I don't want the homeless just sleeping wherever. Right in front of us, watched him pee and saw his penis more than once. Too much information?! But now where do you think he is? Anyways, I just don't like the way it looks with no trees no birds no life there anymore. Dead grass and cement.

 

And I thought...there's got to be someone out there for me. Someone where it's just easy. Cause it's not easy ....

 

And it's out of character for me, but I didn't get enough of the summer. I'm not ready for the cold to settle in. I want to be able to navigate easily now. Get much accomplished, see, go. And do what it is I'm supposed to be doing. Doing to be the most me I can be.

 

The man I will love...will not do those things you can do, nomad. Yes thoughts of you came up like something deep inside me, body memories, that catch me off guard. I'm on my way and ...it all has to come out. I still have to finish what I started. How I missed it, I don't know. You have been trying to tell me over and over again.

 

I didn't listen.

 

ANd it runs down my spine now.

 

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter with who. There I am. Soaked in impressions. Bound in them.

 

Why did I hate you for wanting to know me?? !!

 

That is really a question to answer, because I repeat that again and again. And what you call knowing, and what I call knowing....I showed you what mattered to me. My insides. But to you, the insides are the outsides. The outsides are the insides.

 

Weird. To know someone completely and also not know them.

 

I want more too.

 

I know I will find it. I can taste it.

 

But for now, I get up, I live my life, I do other things. And this is something to get out on paperrrrrrr . SOmething to make me consider something differently in the middle of a mundane moment.

 

A chance to make different choices. Very different choices.

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I got a key cut for your my friend. Of the key to my place.

 

Might not seem like a big deal to some people. And it's a friend, not a lover or bf. But it was a big deal for me.

 

Trusting people with the day to day. With access. That is my big thing; with keeping people at arms length.

 

That man who was murdered - and going there, working, hearing about it, seeing them clean up the crime scene when all was done and cleaning up the blood....it made a big impact on me emotionally.

 

Life is short. And people's painful patterns, they do take lives. We are continually playing out those dramas, and those wounds. Sometimes, it does not take a life so candidly. It steals it away in more difficult to see ways. It touches everything, everyone.

 

Anyways, it has inspired me to require more of myself. To step up emotionally. Those voices in my head "geez, sometimes you are so childish emotionally" "if it weren't for my damn mental health issues, there'd be more" etc etc etc....I'm tired of giving them sanction.

 

I had a very long day yesterday. At work. And two am is much too early. I felt it. But then I went home, stopped on the way and bought myself a treat of a weekend Globe and Mail and some chai tea, had a nap, and went out for a proper night of spending time doing things I love with people who I love being with.

 

It struck me...if I spend more time thinking, and doing, what I enjoy...focusing on that...it would make a big difference to how much happier I could be . I felt happy last night.

 

Sometimes the most simple of good advice is the hardest to follow. To understand. But it is profound enough to repeat here for future reading : Focusing back on what I want, versus what I do not. It helps. It makes a difference.

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I felt cared about today. Little things people said, did, to show me that they think about me. Little nurturing acts; it matters.

 

They say happiness comes not from getting more, but from giving more. Seems true. But somewhere along the lines it does all mush up. To really give, you have to learn how to receive, and the other way around too.

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People seemed somewhat grumpy, on edge, today. Me too...but being aware that I might feel a bit off today, I prepared! And it helped.

 

It was a good day.

 

The other good thing is, though my aunt had to go in for surgery earlier than expected, she is ok. It went well. She is in recovery now. And might be there in hospital for at least a week. She sounded so doped up, apparently. I would have liked to have been there when she woke up. But I'll be there soon enough. Can't wait to see her. I thought it was funny that she was telling my mom "tell IAG hiiiiiii and my wallet is in my pocket, I know the ginger ales cost 1.50 in the machine here".

 

Like the things she thinks of even while on morphine and fresh out of surgery?! She thinks of others.

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This week feels so long. It's been a long week. One more day of work, then a long weekend off. Miracle of miracles. I'm finding myself really looking forward to it.

 

My body feels tired. My legs ache. Emotionally, I feel I've been stretching myself out. And I could use some laughs, some relaxing emotionally 'safe' time with my friends. Mentally, I've been doing a lot of reading this week. Research mostly. And my brain could use something unstructured right about now. Something creative maybe..or simple fun.

 

I can't handle lies. Masks. Putting on the airs of trying to make people think of you a certain way. About your status, about your relationships, about your cash flow, about your worth. Not talking about anyone in particular. Too many people in particular - it's not in me to live comfortably with those things. What I continue to enjoy and want; something simple. Honest. People with grounding. People who don't make life needlessly complicated. People who can be happy with these things.

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I'm grateful there are people in my life who think of me, care about me, wonder about me.

 

You know, there are people out there who are alone. It's often not so easy to identify them. And not always who you would expect.

 

It's important to be kind to others.

 

My friend texted me and asked for an opinion and says "Tell me what you think. Because I know you will tell me the truth." And so many of my friends say that.

 

But sometimes I wonder, do they really mean, I am the one who will spare kindness to say what it is that I want to say? And is that necessarily a good quality to have?

 

It is a quality I have. I am trying to balance it with kindness, continually, though that is sometimes a real challenge I do have to say.

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  • 2 weeks later...

[video=youtube;2xbQtfEh3WQ] ]

 

This song always makes me think of my friend. Boy be changing the world. For real.

 

And though the song makes me cringe sometimes because of who is singing it and some of the associations of with all of it...

 

Picture an unassuming accountant who writes poems and quietly shows up for all the real s/t and that is my friend.

 

On days where things feel too nuts and too much messed up out there and (sometimes in me), I like to think of unassuming people like my friend who get er done. That's what it is all about.

 

I was thinking today; when you are fighting for something, and you take losses, and more losses, what is the point where you stop ?? What about when, and it always does, fighting depletes or begins to change or lose what you first started fighting for?

 

I've never questioned a basic belief that there are things worth fighting for. It's a matter of how and when and to what end?

 

He does it by constantly working to spread awareness. Awareness. Without telling people what exactly they need to do with that information; just to be aware of certain things. And by quietly living a good decent life. And by being a good friend. A brother, son, worker.

 

Is it enough? Standing from the outside, I think it is.

 

So why am I so hard on myself for my own efforts to be good? And I have always tried hard to that end. Is that enough?

 

hmmmmm.

 

Night, all.

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To purge a negative cycle of thoughts going through my head this morning...

 

It's pretty darn rare that I think things like "men are generally stupid" etc. But was thinking that today. Not that anyone did anything in particular. And not that I usually feel this way!

 

Sometimes though hearing one too many comments about women and their beauty and related to that (how much value even the higher more decent men put on it) starts to really grate at me.

 

I think the topper was the guy when I stop in such early mornings and he was doing a nice thing by having fresh coffee brewing at the time that I usually stop in to pick up cash and sometimes gas, and yes, coffee. Today I thanked him again for being thoughtful and doing that (he doesn't have to) and feeling nice that someone is being kind; and he replies "oh it's no problem. Not for such a beautiful lady."

 

Just things like that sometimes make me want to punch men in the face. To be totally candid. Of course I never ever would and it's an exagerration. But you know what I mean.

 

Comments like "dont wast e the pretty" directed at women....or "but you are such a beautiful woman, couldn't see you having troubles finding dates" or "she was the most beautiful woman I've ever been with, it's hard you know?!" - no, I don't know. Well I do and it turns my stomach. Or just men in general doing 'kind' things but really it's because they like how you, or someone else, looks, or you happen to turn them on.

 

And even old men. Not older - old. Can be twisted around by a woman they find hot. Or putting this emphasis on beauty when it comes to female anything. Even children. Animals even!

 

Just annoying me today.

 

And now that is purged. Continue...as you were. I will. Just...sigh.

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It's funny you mentioning all this in your latest post. Today I stumbled upon a stream on Twitch and discovered an attractive young girl whom has received at least $4,000 in 'donations' just for being pretty. One guy alone gave her two grand. You know what that guy gets in return? A little shoutout text scroller thingy that says thanks and lists him as the top donor.

 

I know sharing this isn't helping, but it's just weird to stumble upon that particular subject in your last post almost right after my discovery.

 

Totally agree with everything you said, by the way. I'm sometimes disgusted by things my fellow males do and say, lol.

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Sometimes though hearing one too many comments about women and their beauty and related to that (how much value even the higher more decent men put on it) starts to really grate at me.

 

I agree as well. And the sad part is I have seen both sides. When I was an overweight teenager (till 20 years old) not only I was invisible by most but the few that saw me made really nasty insulting comments to my face that have stayed in my phyche. I was still passionate and curious and caring but not much attention was paid to that. When I lost the weight I was suddenly worth more. And I got all sorts of compliments and freebies. I have got so many freebies.

 

It sickens me how much easier it is for good looking people because that is not where someone's value is. But I have seen it both sides. And it is a sad fact. Now I look good and dress well people treat me better. To have the smile I do I wore braces. I wasn't cool then.

 

That donations thing is insane by the way..I just don't understand.

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You know what I was thinking about today?!? How I want to be happy, and how I get off track of that so easily. I get distracted in the muck and the emotion. I fall easily into drudgery: I accept it as par for the course, I EXPECT it. To the point now that I ceased using my imagination to find new possibilities a lot of the time, stopped dreaming of something bigger and better.

Yet something in me is bright: I believe in love, and I believe in the strength that lies in conviction. I believe in the essential beauty and wonder of life and things: it's all grand, hilariously an apt handle for what I have believed even though it seems that huge spans of my time have been spent combing through bleak and sometimes even boring roads.

 

Use it, or lose it.

 

I was wondering why I've been so sad for so long besides processing a lot of sad stuff. It hasn't all been processing. Some has been wallowing. Some has been staring like a blob in complacency. Its difficult to look at that, because I find that ugly, but it is there too. And I don't want to hold on to it and feel like I have to hide it forever and ever. That if I were to hold out my life up til now; there would be plenty of waste in my hands as well as the sparkly and the meaningful and the fun.

 

Why has it been so hard for me to let go of that one particular person, especially? I think I finally understand. No one else ever had and hasn't since betrayed me like that. It made me madder than I had ever been in my life; and I had been mad before that! So it sparked off a big fireball of pain and fury. That I then was taking part in feeding. And it felt like it had a life of its own.

 

What I missed was the intimacy, the comfort, the safety, the trust. The trust. The trust - to trust someone with so much and have them rip that all away so swiftly. I just couldn't come to grips with that. To think you know someone so well; and then from that, to "I don't know this person at all, he doesn't know me."

 

I never would have said it at the time, but now I know, it was devastating. Emotionally for me. I mean that is just a fact. And one I am not proud of. Proud - couldn't reconcile that a man could impact me that way, and yet me be a strong person?! Felt like it had to be one or the other.

 

I've had to re evaluate my beliefs about strength over the years. Especially in these last years. What is it to be strong. And exactly how important is it. And how does strength and love fit together. ?!

 

What I know as I sit here typing this is : thinking of a peaceful interaction with someone, where we each say exactly what we want to say, where he really is happy to see me, where I really am happy to see him, where there is the safety to feel exactly how you feel, that puts a smile on my face and makes me feel good. I'd rather have that. I'd rather have that than trying to figure out this. Confusion and insecurity. It's what happens when I get distracted. Not only pertaining to a man; pertaining to all of it.

 

The best way to find that is to be that and do that first. And that is where I am at tonight. Trying to keep that in the forefront. Giving the worries and insecurities their little tucks good night. Nothing violent in it. It's organizing; such as "this is your place" and "this is yours".

 

If I don't want it, I don't have to simply endure it. If I have a limiting belief that is hurting me right now; it's that which sticks to the insides of all I do. That life is about endurance. That is what fighting ! is about - not life.

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I didn't know that about you, Quirky. In a way I relate; because it wasn't until my early twenties that I really started to get 'mainstream' attention that way. It's when this basically nerdy girl came out from behind her baggy clothing and started to come out of her shell a bit more. No one was ever mean to me about it; and I still got attention, but it was funny how the attention changed once I got comfortable wearing tank tops lol.

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it wasn't until my early twenties that I really started to get 'mainstream' attention that way. It's when this basically nerdy girl came out from behind her baggy clothing and started to come out of her shell a bit more.

 

Yeah, is so stereotypical it's ridiculous.

 

 

Your last post truly resonated with me. So much. That conflict of strength, independence, love, betrayal and moving beyond. Having that inner fire, passion and yes, doing something with it but not as much as you'd like..

 

A thought I had about betrayal..that is how it is perceived, but they were just doing what's right for them. Selfishly or not.

 

That comfort you described as well, really yearn for that myself.

 

You are smart and strong so my input may not mean much but regarding getting that fire back, having that enthusiasm and excitement..I consciously try and preserve a sense of wonder about the world. I try and go back to my 16 year old self (not emotionally because that part sucked but intellectually) and look at things afresh. The trees down my street, the sun, the wind, making it all new again, as Bjork says 'make new love'

 

I try and recall every single shop down the street and see if I could draw it or speak of it to a relative. Once I was saying to my sister 'there is the florist and next to it an estate agents and next to it the butcher's which is very expensive. The charity shop is closed on Sundays and has these random items and a sign on the door that says if you want something call us and we will get down to the shop..' etc. I don't know why but this approach really helps me.

 

Other times I try to go with urges more like I would when I was younger. Sprint down the street kicking dry leaves out of the way. Saying hello to someone or laughing openly at something a young person says and I overhear it, comment at the item a lady is trying on in the fitting room. Being connected and open to the world. This is for me my priority. And I think it works with having a spark. Happiness for me is not a sustainable state. A certain contentness is. Life flows and changes and dies and is reborn, within us all. And what I have found as a linear parameter to successfuly keep me going through the tough and strange times is that sense of wonder about life.

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A thought I had about betrayal..that is how it is perceived, but they were just doing what's right for them. Selfishly or not.

 

That comfort you described as well, really yearn for that myself.

 

You are smart and strong so my input may not mean much but regarding getting that fire back, having that enthusiasm and excitement..I consciously try and preserve a sense of wonder about the world.

 

It means a lot. Your input. And it stirred up some things for me.

 

I'd like to five star your post!!

 

About your comment on betrayal: I thought of that too. It's something I will "realize" like a flash, and then "forget" again. Only to be reminded of it. I have wanted to write about that for a while. I think I will soon. I think it would help me. I think it would help me to write more too about the things I love....not only the things that are troubling me. It's been a while...your advice reminded me and kinda got me excited.

 

Plus, ti's really winter out there. Winter always seems to spark something in me that is good, wondrous, connected...

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