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*Lots on my mind lately. All the things I feel I gotta do, need to do. All the things I wanna do. Also, worrying sometimes about health. My health, other people's health. Concerns over time. How I spend my time, time passing so fast. Before you know it we will be wearing sweaters. Want to take maximum advantage of it all while I can. Trying.

 

*Thought about him a lot today. Yeah, I'm already missing him. Yeah, I'll be alright. And yeah, even though he is only a phone call away. Still, it's good to know at the very least, I can still feel. I can feel and not put on the brakes now every two miles. lol. But with that is dealing with that, as it comes, and as it goes. And with that too is increased awareness, in a new way, of how fast things change. And it doesn't matter if you try to stop it or stall it or not. It happens. So what will my experience of it be? That is up to me.

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Besides working on my business, I've just been living super simply. And it's helping a lot. Lots of exercise - I bought myself my first new bicycle as an adult! - and expanding my garden. I bought mys

I'm turning 42, which means I am now the same age as my dad was when he died. It's an odd feeling. I've been thinking of him lots. He had a wife, a 14 year old and a 12 year old at this age. He was go

Yesterday, the SO and I were disagreeing about something and it got a little bit heated. Then he says "Cite your sources!" and I started laughing and next thing you know, we are belly laughing. It's b

[video=youtube;eQ85-W-nirE] ]

 

*I'm actually not in a sad mood at all, but this song appeals to me tonight.

 

*"Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants."

"Yeah well, sometimes the d/k wants, what the d/k wants."

....I love that quote! Makes me smirk every time I think of it!

 

*Had a great day. So soothing and fed my soul. When I woke up, I was feeling in one of those moods where I knew it would probably be better to keep my thoughts and words to myself more than not. But didn't care. So it's good I took some positive action to get a grip on that. Otherwise it would be extra damage control later on.

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*I don't usually drink much at all. A glass of wine or something here or there, with a meal, or a few drinks. And yeah tonight I had a few drinks. A few drinks is more than enough and my brain and tongue is looser than usual. And I feel all dopey though not in a bad way, knocked out and ready for bed right after this. BUT a few things tumbling around in my brain and time to get it out.

 

*Is it possible that it has taken me this long to heal? To really heal. Not only from love lost, but the whole lot of it. Lives lost, potentials lost, possible filling of certain dreams and certain realities not only for me but for others, lost. Sometimes I am really taken aback by this whole thing: my life. Oh yeah and in this last while too finally getting back all those tests results and seeing what is up with my body. I am fine, which means a whole lot, but guess what else?! My brain, my body, is still experiencing after shocks. That is probably what happened this last winter. My brain, my body, physically, recovering and going wild from long remembered things. From long periods of all that stress, that shock, that nervousness and hypervigilance. My brain, my body. I don't quite know how I all feel about this yet. Relieved? Yes. In awe of it too, and feeling sorry for myself? Ok a little. Not sorry as in boo hoo let's throw a pity party. Abut sorry as in, jesus that is intense poor girl. It's not imaginary, it never was, and you sure weren't over dramatizing. You sure had your reasons, and you sure didn't really understand all that you were going through: I mean, how could you though? How could you? And how could you have expected so much of yourself all the time? You were just so damn hard on yourself. All the time. If you had only known, if you had, if if, but if you had, you would have dealt with it differently maybe? Well maybe yes, but it still would have been hard. Damn hard, frustrating, and life changing. So, go easy. Go easy. On the expectations. Of yourself. Of others.

 

*ANd you know what this is a rare chance. A rare point in my life. And how things are lining up. Where others are at, the possibilities. So what are you going to do about it? It feels like the beginning of a life. A beginning, it's something different. And in very fundamental ways, I feel different. Like a changed person. That rancor, that hate, that anger, where is it? Where is it? It's just not in my soul anymore, it's not in my muscles. It's not in my heart. It's reverberated somewhere, out , out there, out of me. No longer such a part of me. I look, and I want to hold, and I want to understand, and I want to savour every last drop. Of the good stuff, of love, of experience, of possibility. Of you. And knowing, the chance may never come again. And if it ever did, it would be different again. Always different. And I'd be different too.

 

*I know, I know deep inside me, this one chapter is drawing to a close, another is opening. By the time autumn is here,, it'll be something else again. And, I can feel myself letting go, letting go to something, and just, having this willingness to truly love someone again. And, simply be happy.

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[video=youtube;VHoT4N43jK8] ]

 

*I've had a lot of fun these last couple days. Days off! So so nice. Yeah, I gotta do this more often! So good to get out of the same old, same old too. To get away sometimes. I want that to be more often. I feel more human again. Even..some creativity sloshing around. . .Just need to make some room...on that note..

 

*Yeah it's interesting considering and looking at it, floating around in my little brain, the pieces and the possibilities, considering different ways to go, and yet none of them spark that thing inside of me, it doesn't spark that thing inside of me, not like being able to do what i am doing now, and then, you know you have to keep doing something different, you know you have to keep trying, but it's funny isn't it?! The difference of accepting what you want to be, and what you are, and what you think you should want and need, and what you really want and need.

 

*I still need a bit more fun right now. Ok? Ok. Just for a couple days. Then I'll know what next. Maybe. At least part way.....lol.

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*New Journal. Hey yeah, apparently this new thing in my life includes my drinking a whole lot more than is normal for me. No problem to suck back mojitos or beers, wine, even though this is foreign and strange to me since say s/t my early twenties. Something is obviously wrong here. Id on't feel sad, but it's not like me to drink. And it's not like me to like it.

 

*It's just this wanting to break old things out of their places. See things differently. Bust through old crappy rememberances and ideas about things, and be something more. But no matter a few drinks in, even dipping way in, I still remember that drinking is fricking stupid and not me.

 

*Had some good convos, had some good times, had some moments standing and trying to remember what I was gonna do. What the point of it was. Oh yeah then a friend of mine says "it's not work for something, it's coping, coping, and more coping." Disillusioned much?@ lol. No s/t. But it's more than that too. Life, and all of it. Whatever happens. There is more to it than that. And if iti ever comes to me believing it's just coping, coping, and more coping...hell, that's bad. That it hasn't come to that and I don't think it ever will, and if it does, I'm out, well , what does that say? There is so much morei n me yet.

 

*About love. F/k you. I mean that. F/k you. This idea of love we are taught. I was taught. This idea that, somehow lovei sthe answer and love ist he right. Lovei s beautiful and rich and great - but it ain't all that. It ain't life. Once I reached for love and now I reach for life. Yes. Makes sense.

 

*F/k anything and anyone who isn't with me all the way. You, it , can be beautiful...but f/k you. there is more yet.

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*Back to the grind tomorrow. Ugh. Or yah?! Determined the grind is going to get a change up real soon. I'm sick of it.

 

*Sparkly eyes, warm heart. And it isn't enough. Figured something out: the possibility is very real for me now. Someone to share my life with. And there will be absolutely no settling - I want it all. It's not perfection. It's really the difference now of knowing what I want again.

 

*Already thinking of my next little trip. Where it will be and when. And with who. Cool.

 

*Also, think I'm going to bite the bullet and buy another vehicle. For the coming winter. It could be a super cold one.

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*I'm tired, and I'm witchy. My first day back and I had to stay late. And I have to be in early. And drama goes down with a co worker. And no day off this week. Seriously?

 

*On an unrelated yet very related note. I've been trying to be more understanding, give people more leeway, give second shots. Nothing big, but thinking that maybe I am too quick to come to conclusions and maybe too quick to be 'strict' about certain issues. Then people go and prove me right. Doesn't make me feel good. Doesn't make me feel bad. But some days I get sick of it. I get really sick of people whose mantra for life is "I'm not that kind of person, I'm a nice person" and meanwhile, kinda looking at me or getting accross that message that therefore, because I am the way I am, I am a witch. Them thinking or implying that isn't the thing that annoys me. What really annoys me is being expected to either work with, or have to spend time with, people who don't pull their weight. What is the line between sensitive and just plain expecting others to pull your weight for you? Are my expectations too high sometimes? Well maybe. But in work - c'mon. It's not therapy for you.

 

And then I think again of the link between trust...and competency. Oh you can be a "sweet" soul all you like, but if you aren't competent? Don't do what needs to be done, or find a way to do it, or find someone who can do it? Really, is it so stupid of my, or witchy, to not give as much trust to someone like that, especially someone who glosses it over with "nice" bs.

 

I am simply ranting and only to get it out of my system. I don't need advice, or answers, or even a shoulder to lean on or someone to commiserate with. But I won't carry this annoyance around with me.

 

I get more irritated with these people, that think they are doing good and think they are intending good, and think they are some kind of better than others, because they are the ones to dole out....even things which are not theirs, even at the expense of someone else, even though it doesn't do any good!

 

*I need sleep.

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*Work in a few hours (again), and i can't sleep. Woke up, and nothing is putting me back down. Wandering around my apartment in the middle of the night drinking herbal tea.

There have been a few bad dreams lately. That hasn't happened in a while. Nothing too bad. And only last night and tonight. But clearly something is bothering me. Question is what? It could be as simple as this week has been, is, very tiring. Or something I ate. Then again, there might be more to it than that.

One of the dreams had a trap along the lines of that old movie Cubed. Sort of popped out of nowhere in the dream too, we were playing a game where nothing bad could happen, fun. Then somewhere along the line there was this huge light - looked a lot like a massive mounted desk lamp - and when the game got started, the light was maneuvering in unpredictable ways. The kicker was that this light beam was intense heat, it seared and killed whatever it hit. First time around it hit this old lady - don't know where she came from, she wasn't there before - who was standing there absently. It all of a sudden zoomed to her neck, seared her throat, killed her almost instantly. Second time around, it was my turn. Obviously I didn't want to play anymore, but the light went anyways. So I'm trying to anticipate where it will land. Where it will move. And the feeling, oh, the feeling. I know that feeling. IT is intense anxiety, fear, dread, hoping you make it but not having control over the situation.

What disturbed me most about this dream was the way the lamp moved. It would be still for a few seconds - which felt like forever - and then mechanically, hypnotically, abruptly realign itself somewhere else. Something about that specific movement chilled me.

 

*I'm lacking focus this week. I miss my focus.

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*I need a new fretboard. So tear off the whole thing or go out and buy a new one already? Maybe both. I like dissecting things, and that old beast is so warped anyways. But I've had him for so long! Sentimental attachment. Dragged around so many places, and that glorious smell to it. The case was stolen somewhere along the line. Pieces were pried off. Isn't it funny that someone thought to steal the case but not the guitar?! It's that much a piece of junk. Well I could always use the pieces for something else - gut him and make something out of him. Yeah, maybe.

 

*Orange + cucumber = Cool. Mint + licorice = get this taste out my mouth!!

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*I really feel this need to purge today. Thoughts and feelings, that is. Yeah, boring. Necessary.

 

*There are several things bugging me. Sphere one: work. Sphere two: adjustments in my lifestyle overall that allows for room for all of me. Sphere three: men and my emotions/reactions to this right now. Sphere four: fitness and health.

 

Will come back to each as it comes to me, and just get started getting some of this out out out instead of plaguing me churning around and I'm going going going trying to beat the devil.

 

Triggered off after a bout of rest, restocking the fridge, listening to music and tearing apart my old guitar. Lots of time online today, trying to distract my mind I suppose, and needing to write write write, but not able to write what really needs written. So tearing up stuff around the apartment, and putting up new drapes, and trying to clean out the old storage area, finding and deciding what to do and feeling through objects, big stacks of papers, writings and journals, cards and letters, old cds, drawings, paint, old jewelry.

The mind gets thinking and floating in feelings, some really subtle and some really strong, and none of it far from now, I don't keep many things, much less many old things, and a lot of the things are actually quite new.

 

*Sphere three, really bothering me today. Here we go. How to organize any of it, or what, am I just looking for a way to organize what is already organized. When it comes to feelings, when it comes to interactions.

My stomach was doing some churning, and some burny feelings going on in my heart, thinking of things today. I've been getting a lot of attention lately, and I think I've gotten a little drunk on it. Also, I don't think I can handle it. Well all at once like this, at this particular point, and with these particular circumstances. It sounds so harsh, but here it is... come or go, I don't give a s/t...I know...it's not cohesive for me yet...any of it...I'm late, late in forming all of myself...and I'm not going to force anything when it comes to this...it's not true that I don't give a s/t, but I don't know how else to say it? ....that I'm not overly attached here...not stuck on anything...or any man...not now... In the past, remembering him lately because - - - because he always ends up back in orbit eventually - - - and here it is about that. Don't want to repeat that same deal, but can see myself doing it already. Not with him, but repeating the same emotional response to a man wanting to be close enough to me to incorporate each other in each others lives in a big way. I attract these people who want this: and it's so strange to me. This is where Ifeel like the "stereotypical man". A natural move to a relationship, and here is me "no, no, i'm smothering here!". My stomach was feeling funny flippy flop thinking about it. When things end, it genuinely hurts. I genuinely care, and will genuinely miss a person, and yet, still I'ld do it!!! It's subtler now, it's different, but it's still there...give me space, give me space, let me process, let me breath, let me find that balance naturally.

It made me churny thinking how....in a lot of ways, I am damn lucky....and in the past, there was some real sharing, real ....and it drives me crazy thinking I wasn't as off base as I started thinking I was...though everyone has their problems...there was a lot of *click* in vital areas...basically, that a lot was attracting and having something with someone who has actually been an overall good match for me...more than once...and me, screwing it up by kicking out of there...before I could find out the rest....

 

fear o' commitment. If I put the o' in there, like basket o' fish, it takes a little of the sting out right?!

 

The fear isn't that some man, a man I love will leave me by leaving me, been there done that and not scared. The fear is the big one, the big leave of death. There. Deal with now, my girl.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you Mr_LFA!!

Went AWOL on the journal for a while but I appreciate the compliment.

 

[video=youtube;qY0-k4uaKKA] ]

 

It had to happen sometime. And it is so comforting to me. And it keeps reminding me how to ruin something great with mentioning the year it was made. lol.

 

*It is autumn. And I am changing again. And someone is leaving my life. At least to the other side of the country. And I'm wearing green. And I never wear green. And I never usually care either way either.

 

*Very emotional today. Good byes are difficult. And I am especially bad at them.

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[video=youtube;pcQ8LrE5cHs] ]

 

Good bye.

I'll miss your hugs. Which are the best.

I'll miss your voice. Which could always cheer me up. Silly. Soothing. Laughing. Singing.

I'll miss that look on your face, when you were having a bad day, and you were happy to see me. The look on your face when you were happily surprised by something, like a little kid, so innocently joyful. The look of you ...all the time.

I'll miss you finding it endearing how much I talk. lol.

I'll miss all those little things you leave behind you like a Hansel and Gretel trail.

I'll miss waking up, and knowing you aren't far. And that to you, miles and miles is still not far.

 

God, there is so much I will miss.

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  • 1 month later...

I was starting to cheer up. Then the weather gets all warm again! Damn it.

 

Very frustrated lately with people. Too many people. Can't walk without turning around and someone's breath is there. I think about a lot....preserving space. Seriously please please please people stop having so many babies! Something's gotta give.

 

Then I get so very pissed and confused met by people who want to pretend nothing is changing. And this mentality that all change is good. No - well, it's change. At least acknowledge it. There is a huge change going on and these things are always precipitated beforehand...we knew it was coming, we know what is next....so really....just stop. Just stop pretending you don't see it. Or get your head out of your ass for two seconds to see something you aren't comfortable with, maybe.

 

Maybe the single thing most difficult for me to handle about other people, human beings...this ... tendency to want to sugar coat what is essentially s/t. lol. Not like I am an exception either.

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  • 1 month later...

Feelings....

 

So yesterday was pretty stressy. I was having one of those days where if I came accross someone where there was some unresolved anything, everything I thought about them came out!

 

First it starts with me confronting my boss over how he has been behaving lately. Alienating staff. Pushing people past their limits and not seeing it. Already we lost 3 awesome staff members because they didn't want to put up with it anymore. Everyone is on edge every day. What is usually a very great place to work and where people are happy and productive and smiling has become a place where people are looking all depressed, don't smile, and are afraid to breathe.

 

I went to work with no intention of confronting, and then a whole new set of problems was created - created - because there wasn't thought of how it was going to impact staff.

 

So when he came looking for me and asked "so how are you today? Everything good - like usual? haha"....I just lost it. It all started coming out.

 

Then it's that feeling like I am going to the principals office (let's go to my office) and like I now need to be handled. He offers me a drink, sit down, let's talk!! He was very good but I was a bit embarrassed to have gotten where I sprung it on him like a cannon. He listened to me and addressed everything I said, really couldn't hope for more, and he also filled me in on more details and involved me more in the process and asked for my input. It was all very positive, he was the boss that I have always appreciated and felt like I was able to work with again.

 

But I feel like for the future, there are better ways for me to deal with it. I shouldn't have sprung him like a cannon - I feel like I acted a little bit unprofessionally by doing that. I should have went to him before it got to the breaking point. I shouldn't try to suck it all up all the time if something isn't working.

 

My thinking on sucking it up was that I didn't want to come accross like I was criticizing how he does his job (not really my place) nor that I am a person who needs to be "dealt with" and add another problem to his already heavy load of problems and situations he has to deal with and solve. I want to be part of the solution and positive and make things easier and I do believe in what it is that is going to be accomplished. I also didn't want to be perceived as someone who is weak or who can't handle some stress/pressure.

 

So I did say basically that to him. He apologized to me, I apologized to him . There was back patting all around, there was him venting to me for almost 45 minutes about his challenges and him telling me he basically feels like he is out of his realm with making this easier for his staff and wanting my help with that.

 

So. I walked out of there with a promotion. I was offered a bigger leadership role - totally my thing! - and the benefits that go with that. Meeting ends with a good handshake. Yay?!? It wasn't really my intention....I just didn't want to see a good place go to hell loll .

 

............

 

Secondly......

 

Ended up confronting the bf about some things on my mind as well...

 

This was another situation where I was sucking things up and not being willing to talk about it...and getting increasingly frustrated because of it...and his lack of action on a particular issue...

 

That went even better. I'll maybe write about that later, think I want to keep that to myself for now until I fully finish processing it....but I was pleasantly surprised...

 

and again,

 

it was a learning experience for me in -

 

*talk to people. don't let things fester

*when I communicate, sometimes I have a tendency to be aggressive and trouble to hold the two simultaneously that - someone can value me, but there are issues, but they can be resolved relatively painlessly and even have it come out better for it. I tend to equate issue with not caring. good to know that for the future, not to think the worst every time

 

I know that to lots of people, this is anything but wonderful and some big accomplishment, but to me it kinda really is. I'm closer to what I really want and to being who I really want to be than I ever have been....and feel really positive right now. About myself and about where I'm going.

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  • 2 months later...

Several very good and smooth days. And then this afternoon it became very messy, very quickly.

 

I'm super tired, and a build up of stress peaked this afternoon in a way that hasn't happened in a quite a long while. Anxiety.

 

Just want to note this for myself for future reference and preventive measures. See how I feel tomorrow.

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So I'll come here to make a mention about the concept of healthy and unhealthy control that I have been working with lately. Proud of myself today. Took things in stride, watched, observed. Felt much calmer than usual. It's all in the mind.

 

Thought came to me that there is enormous potential here in me for great new growth, and strength that is latent and being wasted, and if I can harness it ...I think I can. I am doing it.

 

Seemed like a miracle. Two days now, drama to blast off the roof at work. Normally, what would have happened? I'd have been a cauldron of little rages and distress and like a pot boiling til it eventually boiled over. Instead. Nipping it as it comes up. Watch it, observe. Detach a little. Try to understand, not jump on it right away.

 

It's distress which causes these automatic reactions. Flail out, attack, beat it down. My defenses - aggressive. My fighting style - dog fight. Face to face, emotional, unintelligent. Fighting for a sandwich guy.

 

Take a step back. Not only is this a weakness, it's a factor in conditioned isolation.

 

Humans are like animals. Am I ready? To no longer act like that traumatized ape? to fully accept and integrate again. To no longer take the stance, automatically, of the one who takes themselves out of the group, dis identified with it, afraid of it and the potential for violence?!

 

Yes. Yes, I think and feel I am.

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Had such a wonderful evening last night. So nice!

 

In between work and getting home for my nap tho, had about a ten minute mini "angry at the way the world is" experience. Was able to control myself and not do anything too stupid. Chalked it up to being wiped and needing that nap bad. I was right! lol. It was just really strange to be feeling so good and what triggered it was going and seeing a stolen vehicle was blocking my usual traffic route (main artery) and these buggers had actually managed somehow to rip an entire pedestrian crossing structure right out of the frozen ground! The auto thefts and crime in this city is still so bad. Coppers were nice though, and that helped a lot.

 

Also, sent a text to someone telling them off for some behavior while in this 'drunk' state, and that was the stupid part. Didn't say anything mean, wasn't a jerk, but did finally put into words exactly how that behavior makes me feel.

 

Wondered even as I was doing it, if I was projecting my view of the situation and feelings onto this person, and I'm pretty sure I did. I still find the behavior unacceptable, however, the viewpoints here are so divergent and they aren't "lying" about it. They simply see it differently, even if things were reversed. I know this is true. If I did it, they would have been ok with it. Exactly. But I would never do it, hence, took it more personal than it was and gave it my own coloring.

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[video=youtube;bfqEisOIMJc] ]

 

This song always reminds me of my friend. Don't know why it came up on my Youtube search for something else, but it did. It's been a long time since a song made me cry out of the blue.

 

I still miss you. Why dp you take the hard road? Why don't you believe and see what I saw? Never forget, someone loved you. ME! Been a long time since I thought of you.

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^

 

It's a sad story of a friend who let all the bad things she had been told about herself become her truth. It's odd, it's been a really long time since I thought of her, only hear a few things here and there, and it always makes me sad. What's odd is, mostly it feels like she has passed away. That sounds so awful. But that was how I felt after moving in opposite directions. I probably would not recognize her, she is a different person from the one who I cared about now.

 

I like your association better. Much happier. Great song, nonetheless.

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Shame, it sounds very sad. I guess it would feel like she passed away if she changed that much, it can be hard for people to have the courage of their conviction at a young age.

 

This really struck me for some reason. That is the one thing I have never had a problem with - having the courage of my convictions. lol. It's a double edged sword.

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This really struck me for some reason. That is the one thing I have never had a problem with - having the courage of my convictions. lol. It's a double edged sword.

 

 

It struck you cos it's powerful ! !

 

Same here..whatever I believed in (arrogantly too) I believed it and would defend it with all my heart and soul ! And get to trouble because of it and dismiss people over it and mess my life over it but always feel true to myself because I didn't follow someone else's sh**, I followed my own hee hee..

 

I have mellowed down so much nowadays but I still have a thing about injustice for example, I can never let it drop.

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