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itsallgrand
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Today was a really great day, btw. Ever go to work, and feel like you aren't even working, you are relaxing and doing exactly what you want to do?!

That was today.

Got a lot accomplished, and everything felt so in tune.

 

At home, the fence is over half way buried in snow. Someone had graffitied "LOVE" onto my fence at some point, and it looked nestled in the snow today. It's cool outside, not cold. And super snowy. Really beautiful. The crunch crunch is perfect.

 

And I dropped my phone in the snow today and it needs to be replaced. Made me smile. I've been wanting to replace it for a long time anyways but my "waste not"" side had decided I wouldn't until this one died. And this one NEVER dies. It's losing its campy and bordering on archaic now. lol.

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The reason I don't play video games, even though they can be fun: this lasting stimulation and it even crossing over to dreams. And it doesn't have to be a lot of play at all.

 

I'm coming to accept that I probably always will be extra sensitive to stimuli that other people may have a higher tolerance for. Video games are one example. TV is another.

 

Music too - a co worker of mine frequently complains about the lack of music playing at our work at any time. I'm super grateful for it. Don't get me wrong. I love music and can enjoy it - even if it's loud and strong - in certain situations and at certain times.

 

But quiet is so under rated. And these folks who need a constant sound track through life...

 

always end up in my life....and yet we aren't compatible that way and never will be.

 

I feel like if you want a place of quiet in this world, you really got to fight for it and you have to preserve it with a lot of diligence. Noise, music, flashing lights, people....this is the force taking over and for a many, they wonder "well what's the problem with that?".

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Simple! That's how you do it. Looking forward to his new album.

 

[video=youtube;49qhh0o2QHw] ]

 

*I've come far since I started this journal at the beginning of last summer. Feels like a long time ago.

 

*The world didn't end. Not the way people thought anyways. But I've become increasingly aware of where my path is headed now. It's pretty natural, don't know why I didn't see it all along.

 

*My feelings for the ex have changed a lot. I'm now enjoying a real relationship, though I'm still not sure how long term this is going to be. It's ok. It's all honest. It's all real. And I'm not running or hiding. I'm enjoying every bit of it. Since I saw the ex last summer, I let a lot go. Though it's clear, he really hasn't. My thoughts on this tonight (and then leaving to go enjoy an evening):

 

sort of along the lines of the song...

 

Do I have to explain it again?!

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*I'm feeling fragile today. Damn work. Thought I was to get a real weekend for once, and soo need it. Now I have to be up for three in the morning. And my schedule for the week is wacked out too.

 

*I'm avoiding a few things. Today has been one long pisser of procrastination. Got way more down on having to get up tomorrow than I would have ever expected. I think I'm just sick of feeling constantly backlogged - and I do. Something has to give.

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I've been thinking/talking with my aunt more lately. And last night I had a dream in french. lol. She really brings back memories for me, she reminds me a lot of my dad. And when I remember dad, it's in french. Odd how minds work.

 

The anglo world is a big part of my life but sometimes I miss being a french speaker first. It's been a while!

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There's a theme that pops in my head for everyone's journal that I read. The feeling I get, like for example when I read Vic's, I'm in someone's living room with maroon couches and holy pictures on the walls, having pomegranate juice and cucumber sandwiches. Yours is, drinking horchata con ron at a beach campfire. With that salty beach air mixed with someone's fabric softener.

 

Just thought I'd say. lol.

 

Also, you've inadvertently exposed me to some good new(for me) tunes!

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^thanks Cheet! that's cool. Strange you say that. People who have gotten close to me have often said things to similar effect. About hanging out with me, my vibe. Which has always been weird to me, cause I don't think of myself like that at all.

 

but for tonight (might pick up on that another time, it's interesting what a thread that is in my life and people's sense of me), tomorrow is Vday people. I won't be around...

 

Really want to send my love out to anyone who may read in here. I'm poly amorous when it comes to Valentines...it's just about love, to me....it's not about just getting with the man....being single or not....it's show some love out there...a reminder...

 

Will work, have lunch with a friend, and then the eve to spread more love.

 

This is sombre, but GOD I LOVE THIS SONG.

 

[video=youtube;jvXywhJpOKs]

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Yours is, drinking horchata con ron at a beach campfire. With that salty beach air mixed with someone's fabric softener.

 

Interesting..! Not sure what I think. I think of you in a contemporary flat always busy and always thinking but also cool and fun too. I see as you being 'to the point' and I find very direct people funny. I know you don't drive a motorcycle but I picture you would. And I imagine you'd like camping too.

 

I agree about the tunes, they're always nice.

 

I'll get some of that lovin' vibe since I am a single lady, thank you 8)

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[video=youtube;8MJio3s2wFI] ]

 

Bought myself a new keyboard. Love this song so much. It's cathartic finally putting these supposed 'piano fingers' to work on something again.

 

It's unusually hot out for this time of year. I'm ready for some cool. Really ready.

 

jeez...

 

i always hated the original of this song. conjured all sorts of feelings of guilt or shame or some combination of those two lovelies

(and in all honesty, bonnie raitt kind of gets on my nerves). but this version...

 

cathartic. you said it. i'm feeling soothed...almost achingly so. seems to be hitting the right spot just now. a release of sorts. i let go of a bit of baggage just now. not the really heavy stuff...but rather fresh from the vantage of a bigger perspective.

 

i'm not sure i know what it feels like to be on the writer's side of this. i can imagine...but i don't think i really know.

 

never knew you had a journal. but read some passages this morning...listened to a few tunes. reminded of something you said to me in regards to my own writings. a vague sort of resonance. i'm feeling (what i imagine to be) the same thing right now with your words. like there's someone out there who feels things that i feel in such a way that it's familiar...recognizable. that it almost transcends the words. it's vague...but so familiar. agh...that sounds cryptic...but i'm not sure of how else to put it.

 

your words speak.

 

the music speaks.

 

and you posted some old school final fantasy. maybe that's one of those hipsterish trifecta thingys?? haha. a triangle of resonance. hahaha.

 

sorry.

 

i enjoy your thoughts.

 

 

 

I know you don't drive a motorcycle but I picture you would.

 

i can totally picture that too. weird.

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I'm glad you found something that resonated with you, 90. Sometimes this journal doesn't even make a whole lot of sense to me, but it does, it's a place to unload some that I carry about with me and hopefully, help me to work through it.

 

I agree about the original of that song and bonnie rait lol. It's this particular version, a stripped piano version, that I like best. And his singing. It hits the right spots, like you said.

 

No guys, I don't drive a motorcycle! haha. I was exposed early, for sure, to motorcycles. There's lots of stories regarding me and my relationship to bikes. But I'm not going to go into that right now. It's enough to say, I probably would have one, except for certain reasons that I don't. That's vague, but I just don't want to post all that.

 

Hipsterish trifecta. lol. Oh my. Yeah maybe, eh?! Though the idea of me - or you 90 (like you too much to consider you a hipster)- could be associated with hipster-dom(?) is just too much for me to bear. I always imagine hipsters doing what they do and liking what they like because it's "so out it's in", they take it in. But always this affectation. Fakey.

 

There's no affectation here. Which sometimes when I read back or listen back on stuff, I'm not entirely impressed with myself. Sometimes nerdy, sometimes whiny ,sometimes ugly, sometimes stupid and vicious, sometimes sentimental, sometimes dreamy, sometimes plain bland. But that's why I have this journal...to let it all out...

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*it's super sunny out. spring is coming. snow is starting to melt. when I woke up, went outside, there was hoar frost on all the trees. so it's not yet warm. but mild. and soon all the snow sculptures, little kid hide outs, snowmen and igloos will be melting. sigh. on the good side, i'm not sad about it this time. spending this morning cleaning, opening up some windows, doing laundry. time to dig up some lighter clothes too.

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*this day feels soooo long. It's not normal to be this moody. I know that. And what I wouldn't give to not be. The slightest things can set me off. I don't know anymore. I got so much done today at home. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, went for groceries, cooked supper and cooked lunches for part of the work week. Sent some emails, caught up with my brother for a quick chat, arranged two meet up with friends, had a phone call with mom, got my paperwork ready for the week, and one lengthy (for me) text exchange. And here it is, 6 oclock my time, and I've been awake since 4, because I couldn't sleep any longer than that due to my schedule, and wishing I could go to bed, but it's too early for bed really, and it is bright out yet. And so darn moody today, though I've kept it mostly to myself. Smile! I am a normal human being. I am ok. I am doing great. Only...I'm not. Not really. Not when it counts.

 

*so here's how it went down. "I know it's not normal to be this moody, but I don't know what to do about it. anymore." I go to see the doctor regularly, I take B12 shots, I exercise, I mostly eat clean, I watch how much and how regular I sleep, I drink water, I take vitamins, I have friends, I mostly enjoy my work, I have outlets, I spend time outside, I do new things, I'm affectionate and can receive affection, I'm basically ok with who I am, I work hard at communicating better now, I try to do all the right things. "It's like I have a mood disorder" - except. I don't. "but it's the same moods that trouble you again and again. Anxious, sad, and scared. Empty feelings." - exactly. The same damn moods. That I went for years of therapy for! That the doc called "the traumatic cluster". Come on now, I am so bored and done with this!

 

and I just want to be held and held and held. So needy! When will it end?!

 

my life feels like a joke sometimes. Like people are laughing at, pointing, and going 'hahaha, look at that, throwing another fit are you?! chill the f out!"

 

it always gets better. it gets better temporarily. I'll get some hugs, I'll get some friendly company, I'll get some encouragement, and even if I don't, my mood will switch again. I'll feel happy again.

 

but it always comes back. I don't know what to do. Maybe i have to go back. Maybe I have to go and say "look doc. there must be some way to speed this up? to get on a normal person's level...fast. faster. "

 

So much slips through my fingers because, it takes me too damn long. to process, to be level. I can't keep doing this, and hoping people can wait. They often can't. I get there...they are moving on. It sucks. It really sucks.

 

And I had a memory today. First I remembered what a co worker has been teasing me about, saying I'm slow in how I move, giving it a funny name. I always laugh it off, admit yeah it's true, but I get things done, and somehow faster yet than almost anybody else? And she admitted that is true. But it secretly bothered me to be teased about that. The memory....

 

being a twenty something year old, having gone to camp out in a friends parents camper, at a festival of some kind, it doesn't matter. Good friend. good, good friend. And there were all kinds of people, and at one point I missed the stairs leading into the camper, this kind of thing happened a lot at that time, my spatial perceptions were all off, and we weren't even drinking. It just happened all the time, and this time I missed the stairs so completely, fell straight on my ass dramatically. Everyone laughing. Of course. It was funny. But I was so aware of that, and how it happened all the time. And then people asking. How could you miss it? haha we haven't even got the beers yet. how could you miss it? I don't know. Shame. Shame. Great shame. And another time, getting caught in a ski lift. How? Leave it to me. It's not clumsiness. It's my perception having been so off. Try explaining it to someone who doesn't experience it, it's difficult. It just made me feel like an idiot, though. Shame. Shame. Well my friend, my good good friend, I remember the look on her face. She was so sad for me. She was sometimes, and she was then. And it just hurt so much.

 

So when I was crossing the street today, and yeah waiting for the little guy to blink, waiting for the ridiculous amount of time thta I do, paranoid about the cars and my perception of them, and you laugh, it still does strike a nerve. Even though, yeah, it is funny, and I can laugh about it. But it does hurt deep inside.

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Like I knew, I did feel better today. But with renewed determination, on a different level. Alright already, I am so sick of thinking about this. I am so tired of facing it again and again. Just do it. And do it again and again and again. Whatever needs to be done. I committed to this process and I'm not giving up! I'm not giving up when it gets a little bit hard. And I'm not stopping. Ever. Until it is done. When is that? Stop worrying about it. Just do the legwork. Just keep pounding it out, just keep going.

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*most of my difficulty coping in the best possible way stems back down to anxiety. Though it is much better than it was, and is mostly managed and way less disturbing in general, it is still an issue for me.

 

*there are certain topics which still cause me a lot of anxiety. I don't even want to hear about them. My capacity for dealing with those things is low. My thresh hold is low in these areas.

 

*these last few days I have seriously been considering getting in touch with a psychiatrist and having a sit down. The one who helped me I can't go back to, but I wish I could. He is retired now. He was semi retired when I met him. He took me on as a special favor, really. And I am so glad he did. He was such a wonderful fit for me. I wonder how totally inappropriate it would be to seek him out. He mentioned he would be going back to Wales upon retirement. So it would involve quite a bit, and it seems to me that would be invading his private life. For all I know, he may have passed away. He was so old then, he would be in his 90s now. I think he already knew though how much of an impact he had on my life. He gave me back my life, in a way. I am pretty much decided I won't seek him out. I just wish I could again, even to get a referral. I respect his judgment. And he knows me. It would be helpful to me, but seems selfish to pursue that.

 

*anyways I do think a 'top up' would be very beneficial for me at this time. Symptoms aren't horrendous. I could focus on getting some finer tuning done, and much faster than I can do alone (I realize now, I've hit a plateau and have been here for a bit). It is stressful, though, to me, looking for a health professional. There is so much to wade through, and so much before we can actually 'get to work'. sigh.

 

*somebody who I care about insulted me today. straight out. no mistaking it. no way that this was me being sensitive or taking something the wrong way. Strangely, my feeling about it was rather neutral. took the blow, felt a bit stunned for a second, then recouped. No huge emotional turmoil to go through first before being able to find within my brain the appropriate response. I just backed off. And that is how I am going to leave it for now. Nothing for me to say. Just see what happens next. Won't stand around to get punched (verbally), but won't over react to this either.

 

*I think I am a little bit crazy. More accurately, a little bit of an emotional crazy at times. But I have self awareness about my craziness. And I think most of it, a lot of it anyways, is still a direct response to being made to feel like I was crazy when my emotions were more than valid at the time which they occurred. But those around me did not have the capabilities, in some cases desire, to respond in a way which would have validated those feelings when they were appropriate and also model for me a way out. They were struggling with their own brands of crazy, and put a lot of that on me.

 

*I am an adult child, the first born child, of an alcoholic. Sometimes I judge people's behavior - and let's face it, character - harshly, based on an underlying desire to express my needs to not be made responsible for everyone else. I felt what it was like to be dependent myself, and yet depended upon beyond my capabilities and in a way which stole from me my right to have my own needs met too. I think this plays into my life more than I like to admit sometimes. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to have to worry about everyone else all the time. I want mutually beneficial arrangements. I am no longer that dependent kid, but I find myself resentful sometimes when other people behave in what I consider, size up, to be ways which are irresponsible and which steal from someone else's chance at fulfillment. No one has the right to steal from another. Emotional stealing is stealing, too. Psychological stealing, is stealing too.

 

*I have lived through the above alcoholism (there was/is much alcoholism in my family, and she is only one portal of it, but an important one, because she was/is my mother). I have lived through trauma. I have lived through sexual abuse, at a time when I was already traumatized. I have lived through sorting out why no one was there who would stop it, and why those who didn't see it couldn't (because of their lack of awareness of me, too much in their own issues), and why those who could stop it wouldn't (because of their own issues). I have lived through this all at a young age, and yet still believe in humanity. Overall, my heart is optimistic. I am not super cynical about men - I believe in the best of them, even though I know there is plenty enough of the worst, and that is real too. I have a healthy relationship to my sexuality. I think so. Generally. I like my body, I like who I am. Generally. I do not seek to cause harm to others. I want to bring something good, bring something of value. I believe I am of value. Though, it seems fragile sometimes, my value. It feels precious, yet something which needs constant guarding, constant tending. Others can strip away at me, but can they ever take my value? I don't think so.

 

*I am damaged, in a way. But not broken. And I think the damage doesn't exclude me from love. What is permanent, what is not, is still to be seen.

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Time for a song.

 

[video=youtube;kUvUX8RkIfA] ]

 

Discovered this group only recently and instantly liked them. Lots of good tunes.

 

*So pets have thundershirts. Why not for humans too??? The concept WORKS. I've got a super tight shirt that does the trick.

 

*I don't feel much like being charming today. Guess yesterday I got my fill of socializing. I had a fun, good day. But today I'm kinda grumpy and rumbley. Don't take it personally. It's just me adjusting to the new sunshine again.

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This grump funk thing is hard to shake today. Trying to focus on concrete things. Realizing that so much of my time has been, IS, spent wrestling with emotions and thinking about them, that more effort spent in dealing with facts and reality, exploring new ideas, creating, would be a big benefit.

 

Letting go. Letting go - not my forte! Why shouldn't it be, though?!

 

 

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I find letting go very difficult too, for me it goes beyond people and situations..I have it even with unanimous objects or pretty much anything I like. For example I love Special K cereal and I have had it for over 13 years. Occasionally I try something else but I always go back to Special K. I find myself sometimes worried it will go out of production and what will I do then ? ? That thought occurred to me when some new flavours came out and I thought they might look snazzier than the original. It might sound crazy but when I eat it I feel like I 'belong'..I always felt like I somewhat didn't belong and finding something I like so much feels like 'home'.

 

Just an idea and I can only guess from a personal pov. It's a safety of some sort, an identification of who one is..even if it's painful stuff. Sometimes it is also a desire for things to make sense. And not being able to let go until they do.

 

 

Love the song btw.

Edited by quirky
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