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[video=youtube;GjEsAEsYCw4] ]

 

More. On a kick.

And it's right on at the moment.

I give up on that one.

 

Unrelated. Passed the fight gym the other day and felt a pull like 'hmm'. Need to hit and punch something. Maybe do some screaming. Maybe get together with some old friends and let them do their voodoo magic where I don't give a s/t as far as whether someone is recording or not.

 

I just need some release.

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Last night couldn't sleep properly. So it was a long day. Been disturbed a little bit inside. Nothing that can't be handled. But it's unsettling. And it was enough to rob me of a decent nights sleep.

 

Kept myself moving. It helped a bit. Had this thought today though that went "maybe I will never ever really change this thing inside me". The ...dark ness. That part inside that is nothing but a big black hole of pain and anger and emptiness.

 

Didn't last long. It's the struggle though, isn't it?! My struggle. What has driven it all. All the issues I've had in life, my problems, my pulling away and my sometimes viciousness.

 

I made a determined effort today to put my attention to others. It helped a little. Reminded me I'm human. Being the one to notice that old man wasn't feeling well - and too stubborn to say and it and hiding it (geez, I relate, so you can't fool me). Making a big supper and delivering meals to a few of my favorite people so they wouldn't have to cook tonight. It helped.

 

Yeah not feeling quite human. Right when I thought the well of anger was exhausted, some new flame has been burning and it is on fire right now. I don't even know where it is coming from anymore. And does it matter? Or it is only important how I deal with it? I have to deal with it regardless. And live through it for a while as I do.

 

Found my grappling shirt. And a bunch of my old clothes that have been in the bottom of the closet for a while. Got new shoes and absolutely love them. So light. Feels almost like being barefooted.

 

Spontaenously burst into running on the way home. Felt good. Felt really good. Didn't care about anything around me. That is what I'm looking for; that connection to my body again where nothing else matters. Pure feeling, pure presence.

 

This too will pass. It's what I need to do.

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Have been sick with a chest cold these last few days. Today, I literally lost my voice.

And with feeling so sick, have not done much today. Sleep, drink soup and tea and warm gingerale, and did a lot of reading. And I did a lot of playing on the computer; absolutely nothing serious. And did some writing today. Real writing - not just posting here! haha.

Well. There sure seems to be a connection here between getting stressed and getting sick. Bah.

It's an odd thing trying to talk and nothing comes out. Don't know if I've ever experienced it before. Sure made me realize how much I rely on my voice, and how much I DO talk.

 

I really HAVE changed. You know what. I wasn't prepared nor thinking of this leg of the journey. The part where, something has shifted forever and it is a good thing. A healthy thing. BUT you can't go back. As dysfunctional and limiting some of those things were which I sought out to change in myself, and all the experiences that I had with that set of eyes and tools in the world, it's really strange to let them go. Something in me has been hanging on. To the familiarity of it, the comfort even, and some of those people and places that it connects me to as well. Letting go all that means truly letting go of the past. And, as importantly, letting go of some hidden hopes and unfulfilled desires which I had. Something in me has been so eternally optimistic as to believe that, deep down my fixing myself and setting myself straight would fix and set straight the rest.

 

Yet it doesn't. It doesn't.

 

It ONLY fixes myself. And that is where I am at.

 

And oddly, that feels a bit like a rejection. It's like scoring the incredible goal, and those you were secretly doing it for, they don't appreciate it. In fact, it seems suddenly they are cheering for the other team. The team who is you when you were awkward and five steps from nightmare death.

 

And there is no grand applause. Only a few subtle supporters to give you a pat on the back. And a genuinely knowing smile. And there is pride there. Not the cocky pride of strutting and being admired for it. Something a lot warmer and kinder.

 

Got to let it go...that some people can't see it...appreciate it...or even respect who I have become...and what it took to get me here. Got to let them go too. And not be mad about it. Because. It really is going to be fine.

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No matter how far you get, as a child of an alcoholic, it can still hurt to hear your parent crossed a line because of their alcoholism.

My one rule with my one living parent: no drinking while we spend time together. Includes phone calls.

She called me up drunk.

And damn well knowing, KNOWING, I can't tell her off because my voice is wee and I've been sick.

Not that I would have told her off anyways. Know the drill. You can't talk to a drunk.

Point is.

She knew I've been sick, and though it is only a cold, that is the time she picks to get drunk and bother me with it.

 

Classic. Classic drunk-version-mom. When things get even a tiny little bit hard, when someone needs you, that is the time to bolt like a m f and get right pissed. No need to take responsibility that way.

 

A friend of mine suggested that maybe, just maybe, a few of my troubles with wanting to ever very deeply commit to a man has to do with mommy issues. You know, to do with her being a run out drunk. The sort that left me hanging in some real s/t times. Real s t times. Worse than left me hanging, it was 'come pick up your mother, she's passed out in the ditch/ getting into fights/bawling and wandering the streets/ threatening to kill herself/ seeing dead people/ blah blah blah.

 

Isn't it odd that in my time with psych, and in all my relationships, no one asked me this before? Only maybe made some vague innuendos towards it? And I never really thought of it much?

 

I always thought it was because the men I loved when I was young had this bad habit of getting really seriously hurt, dying in horrible and dramatic ways, and ultimately that.

 

But let's put the two together = awful coctail. ANd I'd say I've done pretty good.

 

I'm not married, no kids. But I also didn't marry a loser, didn't get knocked up because of some crazy choices and end up neglecting my kids (which I would have, no matter my good intentions, had I had kids early in my twenties!!). And I did manage to form some decent connections with some men, even commit, even live in fairly long term common law situations....just no don't talk about life (aka marriage) and kids scared the out of me (as far as having them).

 

I don't feel so scared now. Things can hurt me, but I am in control ultimately. As far as making choices of what I can handle or not. ANd I think that when I am ready to commit further, it'll be because I know I can handle it. Not think; know.

 

It doesn't scare me right now thinking of it. Imagining it. And that is further than I have ever gone. Ever.

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[video=youtube;Jhq6sN_4mQc] ]

 

After losing my voice and not being able to eat much more than tea and broth for many days there, and being sick for well over a week, I'm really looking forward to being active and using my body again!!

 

Maybe a few more days of taking it a little easy and then ...well I feel a renewed spark to really throw myself into getting my body to be the best it can be again. No more middle ground.

 

And that is something that is happening all around. No more middle ground.

 

This is the natural inclination of my personality. Underneath it all.

 

And you know what? I really like that person underneath it all. I do.

 

...........

 

My ex who broke my heart in twelve million pieces and brought me to enotalone all those years ago?? He still tries to contact me. He got my phone number and sent me a photo of himself shirt less.

 

Can you say.. Messed up.

 

Well I have been wanting that new phone since winter. Time for it. And so many pictures I want to take. That is the main thing. Without buying an expensive camera. I need a better quick way of capturing these images and things which have been inspring me lately.

 

I am feeling....a return to inspiration.

 

I love autumn. Forget spring; autumn is rebirth. Shedding of what is not essential. The flowery crap.

 

Inuit art was always my favorite. It spoke to me. Death and life, bone and meat, and so boiled down. Will something like that exist again? Surely.

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The holiday weekend was good for me. Saw a lot of good people, cooked and ate a lot of good food, spent time outside in the country and in the city. Played with some kids, animals, and did a bit of work while out there too. The soul feeding kind. Nothing crazy.

 

Sometimes, I do miss waking up and being in a house full of people. I think I could handle it again. If it ever comes to that. And I think I am going to put a max on myself here on living alone. I don't want to become one of those people who becomes inflexible from living alone for years and years.

 

About that. My godmom who never had children, and considers me and treated me basically as her daughter since as long as I can remember, has been very ill and in the next month will go in for her surgery. Our conversation when I saw her and was getting the information, to give an idea of our relationship and her personality.

"so when is it"

"O nine hundred hours"

"what day"

"*exactly the date here*"

"what hospital"

"*hospital name here*"

"Ok. I am going to be coming to see you."

"why? no you god damn aren't. It's only one surgery and I'm in and out of the hospital."

"I'm taking the time off work. And you will be going home after, right?"

"Right. So? I don't need anything. I've got a phone."

"I'm coming. I want to."

"Ok then, you aren't touching my dishes."

"who said anything about doing your dishes? You can do them yourself."

"Damn right."

"Plus you would b/ch me out if I touched your mug."

"Don't touch my mug. It tastes better; I told you."

- me laughing -

"And you can smoke in my house."

"You know I don't smoke anymore."

"that's not the point, IAG. You can smoke in my house. No one else except your mother can."

me smiling.

 

that means she loves me. haha. And I love her.

 

..............

 

An escalation happened with the phone too. I'm looking at new potential phones right now, and meanwhile, over the holidays, old 'wound' ex sent more than sans shirt. Delete, delete, delete. It was good that for most of the weekend my phone was out of range and/or off. So I got all messages and pictures at once. When I turned the phone back on. And as I know, it is bc he is coming around to this part of the country again. "Home".

 

Thoughts.

Feelings.

 

Very little. I thought "this isn't your home now."

Because it isn't.

I thought "oh wow. that is sick."

Because it is.

 

I felt very little except a sort of deep confirmation. Confirmation of - yes, I am over and done with this now. Of yes, I understand all that from our past and all that you are dear ex. All struggle and inner wounds are dealt with. It was like ....seeing something you already know is coming...already know the plot to...and it turns over and over again. Even though, i dropped out a long time ago.

 

I felt like...no judgment. Which was strange for me. Because really, what holds on longest is judgement and some negatives about all that. I just didn't feel it. I felt...like this is taking care of some business...disconnect from it completely and totally by getting my new phone...and upgrade from my archaic one in the process..to one where I can block and control a lot more lol....

 

And I really understand now ...there was always this motivation in him...validation, validation, validation. I knew it a long time ago, yet I see it like a neon sign now. That is his thing and it will go on til he decides to deal with it. And I will not be a part of his life for that.

 

I am ready to up the ante. I'm ready to not think about it anymore....not even now and again, like I sometimes have. To simply have it be a memory; and him too.

 

It's funny (not in a way that makes me laugh tho) how it all is about where you are at personally. Nothing matters if you can't move on inside. It took a really long time, but I have. I've moved on from what brought me here.

 

Thanks giving...yeah I know the history...the whole whatever....but to me, it's always just been a time to reconnect with genuine reasons to give thanks...and there are many right now. Too many to count. I feel like...I have my whole life ahead of me.

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Just noting something here.

 

Last night I had a pretty bad nightmare. The first one if quite a long time. Jotting here to process a bit.

 

Involved apocalyptic type scenario. And it starts out tranquil enough; me walking down a street, supposedly a familiar one and my going home , crossing a street. A car turns right as I am crossing; it's the ex, his new gf, and I'm surprised but not too surprised some other people in the vehicle also. All arriving and I see his face. There is this sense of dread; they are like Mad Max bad guys, somehow. Dirty anarchist types in their elements.

I can't tell if he sees me, but somehow know he knows I am there. And it feels awful.

 

scenery flips and morphs and flops. I'm in a type of shrunk down village. And there are pig people here. Some are alright, some aren't. And there is this big pool. And at some point, I'm in the pool. and the 'super pig people' come out of nowhere. I'm human fully, by the way. and so are the people who are with me. My group, my allies.

 

Super pig people. Harsher pig faces than the others, hooves. And they come in a quick flash mob. And one comes in the pool approaching me. My feelings. A certain feeling of "well if I die, it happens."

 

My adrenaline kicks in and I'm on super alert. And the pig people are taking over, killing and looting and stripping the humans. And I feel it all going on around me.

And right at that moment, my hate kicks in again...and I'm kicing and screaming and killing....killing and killing and killing.....

 

I'm stabbing and pulling out organs from the pig people and there are babies babies in these rooms. One room is "oh, here are the children." All school age children and older. Teens too. All in one tight little room. Safe, though, safe though.

Another, the next room, contains babies. Babies and babies of all colours and appearance...and I say "oh here are the babies. And the people who wanted babies. They got the babies."

Safe, though, safe, though.

 

I tell my friend who is ruthless and killed and killed and killed alongside me that we need to secure the next house. That is how we will survive. We go in and kill and 'safehouse it'. My cat (weird, my cat is in the dream) is there and has fought to survive and to stay by my side. Half feral now. Weird that too.

 

Then a pig person crawls up behind me and is about to kill me and I wake up.

 

.................

 

So well I know some of this is due to the damn fact that I was sent the messages to know ex is arriving on his flight and sensing he is coming. And it's dread. I don't want him in my city. I don't even want him in my country, but what the hell can you do. I'm threatened...

 

it isn't that i am afraid of what I will do, my feelings, or any lingering anything. It a genuine feeling of him feeling to me like the oppposite of what he was all those years ago....

 

dude is like an enemy now. I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. I just want to be left alone. And he is like an invader.

ANd he stands for everything I don't want now.

 

I just want him to leave me alone . And not have to see him. Like, ever again. Ghosts shouldn't come back and haunt. They should stay gone.

 

And he woke up something dark inside me. But I will win over it. My whole life is before me and I'm excited about it. And want to just focus on that now.

 

So it will be arelief once I know he is physically away. God, don't do a pop up or bug me. I just don't want to deal with it or you. Get it.

 

..............

 

oh and someone else is having a baby....my step sister of sorts. She is 18. Damn?! Everyone around me is having babies, so that is why there were babies in the dream, I'm sure.

One little dude in hospital, like wt f . One little girl with a mama who is so messed up can't even explain. Just want to be something for that little one; she's gonna need it. Someone, something.

Let me see. ALso, four other frigging babies on the way yet in close relation to me. Wows.

 

............

 

Need to go out and I'm going to the fight gym today. Feeling like I need that. Hit something hard. Is it wrong to feel good. No.

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So now that i have had the day, I realize this is anxiety.

What am I going to do??

Deal with it. And part of that is riding it out without making it worse.

 

I've decided on what to do. Because it is mainly anxiety from having such low trust in this person now that I can't even feel confident that he won't poop on the boundaries I have put up and more than having sent the message that he isn't wanted nor welcome to see me or show up unannounced in my life somewhere.

 

And if he does, I will simply tell him to go. I won't get into anything with him. Just hold my line and tell him to go.

 

It's stressful. And i can't even worry about whether it should be or not. It is. To be treated less than you deserve by someone never does feel good. And when you have been betrayed by someone so deeply, I suppose it is natural to always extra sensitive to aggressive push to be in your sphere again. Add to this, that I am sensitive to begin with when it comes to boundaries and having them respected.

 

It was a different world. A different person. Back then. And I don't feel sentimental. Just tired right now. I'd rather not put energy into this, but it looks like it is something that I may have to do. SO be it.

 

I am looking forward to when he is gone again. It will be a relief. And I am fully expecting that when he is not given what he is fishing for, he will dissappear again for a while and not send messages and cease this aggressive invasion of this city and the people that we both know. It will be like I never existed again.

 

And then he will come back.

 

Years and years of this. And you know what. No wonder I felt hate for so long. No wonder I was so angry. That is valid; it feels violating. It is violating on a personal level.

 

The thought did occur to me. Perhaps this is his particular brand of pay back. Of years of resentment towards me stored. And exhausting his cloaked anger at me. Anger I knew was there and it exploded monstrously.

 

The other possibility is that he is simply a s/y human being who is playing by the lowest cards in the deck.

 

Either way, I just want this over.

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Good morning, world. Where's the coffee??

 

Work today. And this random thought popped in my head as I was getting out of bed. Back when I was younger and there weren't books to be downloaded, e readers, or anything else - my gramps had this crazy huge National Geographic collection. Sometimes I'd go over there early on Saturday mornings while the rest slept in, and make gramps some coffee. And we'd chat and he'd watch really bad shows on tv - like local fiddling and singing type shows or wrestling - and I'd go through his NGs and that great big dictionary he had and his library in general.

 

One of my favorite articles that I read about ten times I'm sure (besides the chocolate story) was about this man who went and lived on the outskirts of 'nowhere' in the North somewhere for a while and one of the parts of the story that stuck out to me even as a teenager??....

 

He wrote how when he came home, all he really wanted out of life was to go get a good cup of coffee. His description of it stuck with me.

 

So the gratitude thing really 'works'. Let's start with the fact that a great cup of coffee is right around the corner for me. And once I get these lazy hocks moving, it'll taste even better.

 

Simple thoughts this morning. And I'm grateful for that too. heh.

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You have apocalyptic dreams too??? I used to have them all the time! I'm sorry you had another nightmare. They are truly horrific aren't they? I have not had a nightmare in over three months though!! Some of my dreams have even contained humour.

 

When do they consider you in remission for PTSD?

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These 2 things really resonated with me

 

The only way to deal with things, is to deal with things.

 

It a genuine feeling of him feeling to me like the oppposite of what he was all those years ago....

 

I hope it has been ok for you the past days. I loved reading about your granpa and the Saturday mornings.

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oh f yes i do. i had them for years and years and years. this is actually the first one i've had in a very long time though. i see a direct link between that and the ex coming back to town.

 

well he left today. i probably need to talk about that.

 

Remission: more than functional, was feeling well, was making progress, was not having to deal with symptoms on a daily basis, was actively moving forward in my life.

 

this is a minor set back this week. of bad dreams, haven't been eating well vic, something inside me that is so familiar of this sense like...underneath all of it is a some profound emptiness and there is nothing to me...it's strange and hard to explain...though you may understand....it's a void...a vacuum....a "Nothing to say". ....

 

i'm really feeling that today...really in tune with it.

 

Remission: having a life, not just living a disorder.

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It's been one of those days where I feel filled up to bursting with a need to express, yet empty and nothing too. an uncomfortable state.

there is this shift inside and i dont like it.what gives me hope is sometimes it feels a little bit like excitement too, at it happening. movement in the deepest layers. i am trying not to dwell on dislike or like it , just let it be, but everytime it starts to swell i find myself crying. and it goes back to this thing inside me that shuts it all down and stuffs it. like an emotional mute. and that part of me which does that makes me feel - inadequate, defective, a little bit dead.

 

so the day was a waste in what i had planned to do; mentally i was at a low . and so i tried to find something good to do that would be good for me and what is going on with me.

 

i made an effort and ate proper healthy meals, and started again tracking my food cals and exercise plus all the rest that goes with it. it was a real effort today but its a good direction and i did it. even feeling like this.

 

and i did a lot of mindless physical see with your eyes what you did things. cleaned all the litter outside around the house, cleaned and tidied and making home more comfortable. cleaned out files on my computer and went through my financial papers.

 

i guess to feel some semblence of control; if not emotionally, in some tangible little things.

 

i've been smoking - and that scares me.

 

I need to talk about what happened. and use it for growth. at the same time, the zombie is familiar.

 

I'm aware of it . i'm struggling with it right now.

 

i want this week, this month, this coming period to be movement forward. there is no pause button. so it has to be. it is that, or , i will have to come back to this again.

 

and i don't want to. i want out.

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