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It sounds like a rerun of my dad's family, except they do not know about my uncle. My grandfather made sure that was never talked about. But since my grandfather died last year they keep asking me if I want to go to parties when this uncle is in town. How does no effin way grab you?

Ahhh I just refuse to discuss it.

 

Hugs.

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I think seeing him buried might and could be satisfying to know he can't hurt another person, ever again. If that had happened to me I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of going to a monster's funeral or having people think that I'm somehow grieving him.

 

You're a strong person and I'm glad you aren't giving in to people's illusions.

Many hugs.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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By the way, I'm really sorry this has happened. To you, OG. And to you, Victoria.

 

It means so much to have people willing to talk about it. That means the world.

 

I am willing to talk openly any time. I am pretty vocal about what happened to me. I think it helps if all of us survivors get together to talk. It blows the secrecy out of the water. Secrets kill people.

 

I think the worst thing that my relatives ever did was.... My grandfather asked me to tell my father to make up with his brother. This was about five years ago. He wanted his whole family together before he died. I told him there was no way in hell I would ever ask my dad to make up with his brother. And I would never bring the family together with a big fat fairytale lie. I would never make it okay that my uncle raped me. NOT EVER! I just couldn't believe that my grandfather pulled that crap on me.

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^That's awful. Ugh. Exactly. It's one thing to understand it, accept that it has all happened, even accept that some people will never admit it nor stop. It's still shocking though when it keeps happening. When they try to roll it on out with those who have been vocal about what has happened, and shown they want zero part in it.

 

My uncle outright admitted when confronted that he did it. Admitted! "I guess I was pretty drunk". Well then of course, when it came time for legal proceedings, he retracted everything. When I had the sit down with my aunt, to tell what happened, she said "I know. ". Then suddenly, she didn't know again and was back sleeping in the same bed as him and as though nothing had happened.

 

These sorts of things I will never totally understand, maybe. Not completely. It's so out there, so dysfunctional, its probably better to leave the professionals to understand it.

 

Yeah petite, I don't know about going to the funeral. I think I am going to cross that bridge when it is before me. To go or not. I don't really care what anybody thinks. I want to do the right thing though. What would be the right thing? I honestly don't know when it comes to that. Will it be worth it to put myself through that, just to see him put to the ground. Could it be harmful, in any way. Is it necessary for me. I don't know. So far, my leaning is that I probably won't. I've put a lot of distance and I don't identify with a lot of that anymore at all; it's the past in many ways. Perhaps it will be enough knowing. Being there or not won't change anything.

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A friend of mine went to her abuser's funeral. She said she wanted to dance on the grave(she didn't actually). It gave her a sense of closure and peace, she wanted to watch him go into the earth, to know he could never touch anyone again. I think that's a very personal decision for you to make.

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It def. leaves you with a sense of confusion when someone close to you knows this happened and yet does nothing about it. I tell people I never actually ASKED my mom to choose between him and me because I've always been the strong one in the family, the one who puts others feelings in front of her own. I witnessed the abuse my mom was put through when my dad was physically violent to her and I justified never pushing her more with that. Aside from what he did to me, he was good to my mom, and after what she had been through with my dad, I didn't want her to loose that. But years and years of therapy showed me that the fact is, she should have put my feelings before her own. She asked me one time, years ago (my ex was in basic training so probably 2006-07) for details. I gave her vague outlines but I apparently ended up saying something that I only could have known if it had happened. And she still didn't leave him.

 

I have very little contact with him now but he still does play a part in my life as my mom is still married to him. I'm not sure what I will do when he dies. I healed by disassociating myself with the events. I can remember every detail but theres really no emotion when I think about it and therefore there is no emotion when I think/look at him. It's a very weird thing. I know I won't go to the funeral but there is more because I couldn't hide my joy at him finally being out of my life and my mom will be grieving. And there I go again, right?

 

I def. think we survivors should talk about it. As Vic said, if we don't, it just remains silent. I think it's deplorable what they are trying to do to you. It's just like attacking you all over again.

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A friend of mine went to her abuser's funeral. She said she wanted to dance on the grave(she didn't actually). It gave her a sense of closure and peace, she wanted to watch him go into the earth, to know he could never touch anyone again. I think that's a very personal decision for you to make.

 

That's what I thought of...I might be happy. It might give me satisfaction. It's a weird feeling in itself dealing with the strangeness of having cross feelings on it. There is a sense in me that feels, well its not good for me and on a certain level I am not rejoicing in another human being being sick and dying. Or soon; gone. And another part that is sort of happy about it, not even in a malicious way, but that it will be done and he can't hurt anyone any more and I won't have to live with it hanging over my head and maybe having to run into him (I do all I can so it won't happen, but just the possibility). It would be ;...relief.

And then the fact that other people will be grieving around me too, and it's just so much intense emotion around it.

 

OptimisticGirl,

I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. I can relate to so much. Yeah, me too, I've done a lot of dissassociating with a lot of it. I mean, I have gone through all the feelings. But then, it's like I grieved it already. Several times. Yeah; I just want them to leave me be. That's my main wish and goal because it's the only way for me t stay healthy. And htat is really important to me. To not be like them. Again, not even in a malicious way. Just in a "there is so much better and I deserve it" way. I know my self worth. And it has nothing to do with them.

 

I appreciate all the support. It's amazing. You all are fabulous.

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After undergoing EDMR I am no longer angry at what happened. I have complete absence of feeling about it. But at the same time that doesn't mean I want him or any of the situation stuck in my face know what I mean? I don't know if you remember my thread on here from last year about my uncle's wife passed away. She was younger than I am and she committed suicide. I was sad for her and her family and friends but I was pretty happy that he was suffering. I have a feeling I will be happy when he's dead and gone. But I have quite a few years to wait for that because he is only 60. I will be pretty old myself by the time he goes .

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I know exactly what you mean! Yes, I remember that. So sad. And your feelings made total sense to me.

 

J.C. , I was starting to forget how emotionally exhausting this all can be. I'm going to shift my mind away from it for a while. Had a nice bath and scrubbed myself down and put lotion all over my body and put some of my favorite comfy clothes on. Having a cup of tea now.

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I guess I needed to write this today because soon, in a certain way, the chapter will be closed. But apparently the bull never stops; so long as people are continuing it. I mean when he does die. I've already been asked if I'll go to the funeral. Ok, first off, he isn't dead yet. Second of all, I don't even know.

 

I'd be really interested what people would think of that. In a way, Ifeel like i have right to be there. TO see him buried. I don't think it's disrespectful to the 'family' because the family is s/t and frankly, I'm not interested in preserving your illusions of what that man actually is.

 

It's like everyone is just waiting for him to die. It's really sick. then they think they can just carry on as though it didnt happen.

all will be solved.

 

I am sorry to hear about what he did to you. A million hugs.

 

I am probably not a good one to answer. I'd want to visit him on his deathbed and whispher in his ear while he takes his last breath that "God knows what he has done and he is going to h-e-l-l."

 

If I did that, I would no longer go to the funeral.

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Well when I was a child they didn't talk about child abuse and they certainly didn't talk about childhood sexual abuse either. That was not ever talked about. It is not just a female problem either. When I was young one of my male friends was also sexually assaulted by his hockey coach. I just found out yesterday to that one of my stepbrothers was sexually assaulted as a child as well. So while four out of five childhood sexual assault victims are female it is also a sad thing for males too. The sad part is I don't think that parents can completely prevent this. Make your daughters aware though of what is appropriate as far as touching and talking and what is not. Make sure they are aware that not just strangers commit these acts. That inappropriate touches and talking can also come from family members ,friends and friends of the family. Most children are actually assaulted by somebody they know well. I was first assaulted at six years old by someone that my parents took pity on and took into their home. I was next assaulted by a foster child an older child ( he was 16)that they took into their home as well. And then I was sexually assaulted by my father's own brother.

 

There is a fine line between scaring the ens out of our kids so they never trust a living soul and letting them know that there are bad people out there and sometimes the bad people are your own family members and friends.

 

What could my mother have done better? Maybe not have been so naïve. But I also believe that naïve was part of the times. I was a small child 40 years ago. So for myself I have to put it in historical context.

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I can't believe you has to endure all of that Victoria. And you're so sweet. I'm really really sorry.

 

Awww thank you.

 

Something I also wanted to add but I am sure you already do is to tell your children that they can talk to you about absolutely anything. And to make sure they know to tell you immediately if something suspicious happens to them. I know for myself I never told my mother anything not even when I was six. I actually didn't tell my mother about that until last year. I had already been taught by my grandmother that sex was something that was shameful. That is not something that my mother would've taught me. So I already had a sense of shame by the time I was that old. And shame keeps you quiet. Also too sometimes children are threatened to keep quiet. My uncle threatened me with death and threaten to kill my brother if I was not quiet. So it is also important to tell our children that we can fix any problem as long as they tell us it is happening.

 

I know for myself as a parent I didn't let anyone but my mother or my brother care for my son. He was not allowed to stay with friends or have sleepovers or stay overs or anything like that. And even when he went to sleep over at Cub camp his father went with him. It may be a bit extreme but I didn't want to leave him open to anything.

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What can a mother do to protect her daughters against this? Anyone who has been through this got any tips? What could your mothers have done differently to have prevented this?

 

I love my mom. She is overall a very loving, caring mom. The problem was, in my situation, that after my father's death, my mom really escaped into alcohol. She was gone a lot for many years. Physically and emotionally. I mostly felt on my own. My mother also is very trusting of people, to a fault. She brought all matter of people home when she was drinking. Somewhat naive about it. I was a strong girl, but still a girl. I know it's not politically correct anymore to use this word, but in some important ways, I perceived my mom as weak. I don't want to sound like I am cutting her down, because given all I know about my mother, she did the best to her ability. It was a different story when my father was alive. He protected us all and was a strong person. He could establish boundaries; my mom is not very good with that. She is the type of person that assumes everyone, even when they prove otherwise, has her best interests at heart all the time . I truly believe my uncle preyed on my family when we were at our weakest; my father gone, my brother dealing with serious medical issues, my mother having a mental breakdown and escaping to booze, and me just traumatized and having to deal with a lot of situations that were simply out of my abilities at the time. I always felt I could talk to my parents. I always felt like they would listen. It was due to some very s/y circumstances. Preying on vulnerability.

 

So in answer to your question. Besides what Victoria has shared. One thing I always wished for in my mom...was that she would be strong. Again, I'm not cutting her down. But I think it's really important to a kid. I know it was to me. It's not easy to feel like you have to take care of yourself completely at such a young age. And I don't think any kid should really have to. Be strong to be there for them, and be strong enough to put up boundaries too.

 

I'm sure you do all this already. It made my heart melt when I read your reply. You were thinking of your kids, right? I think staying connected in what is going on in your kids lives can make a HUGE difference as far as reducing the risk of something like this happening.

 

My little family was pretty normal for most of my growing up years. It was tragedy that opened up for this to happen, in my case. I truly believe that. I guess my message is that if a parent even finds themselves in a situation where they can't be there for their kids for some reason or another, please do something about it. When I was getting help for some of my experiences and to process it, and not feel guilty and all that goes iwth it, I remember finding out that situations like mine are really common. A kid or teen is exposed to something which places them in a vulnerable position, and a sickie hones in on that, and these kids who are already traumatized and/or dealing with difficult situations find themselve s dealing with abuse on top of it.

 

thanks for your interst in the topic and my thread.

 

Ms Darcy, thanks for the hugs. I'll take a million.

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I just saw your posts, I haven't been around eNA as much that's why. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. The ignorance from their part. I can't believe your aunt stayed with this man. Knowing and staying..it's just sick. I also can't believe how others normalise child abuse..I just can't fathom it. Acting like it's nothing or like it's in the past or like it should be hush hush..I just don't understand.

 

I really admire you for being able to punch him and kick him and file charges, I was too weak to do any of it. I thought I must have done something bad/wrong and was getting abuse for it. As a child they told me I was very cute and cheeky, even sexy.. and I thought it's because I am like this that this is happening. When I managed to tell my mum finally 5 years ago she asked me if he raped me and then ignored the whole subject. Something that deeply affected my self esteem, intimacy, trust in men...she just never talked about it. Never said 'I wish I had paid more attention' or something. I think the way others behave towards is the second sickest aspect of sexual abuse.

 

Now regarding going to his funeral...I really don't know what to suggest. It's complex. Because someone will be sad about it for sure and it ain't gonna be you. I guess you can consider..why would you be going to the funeral for? I gathered it's nt social etiquette. Will it heal something..? Perhaps you can go under the condition that you can leave any time.

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It's upsetting to me that some of my favorite people, so many wonderful people out there, have experienced abuse.

 

Thanks quirky. I'm so sorry that you were shamed so badly so young. Silenced.

 

I think the way others behave towards is the second sickest aspect of sexual abuse.

 

It's really heart wrenching the pain caused by this and I so agree.

 

I'm really grateful for everyone who has shared their stories and who has shown support here. It has moved me on a super personal level. It's really amazing to me how cathartic it feels to share support regarding something so personal. And where there still is so much stigma about it. This really helps me in reinforcing that there is no shame for us in this.

 

I've been feeling somewhat emotional since I posted about it all, and the new developments, a bit blue at times. I'm pretty happy to report though that it hasn't leveled me in any real way; and in a certain way, it has been a reminder of how far I've come.

 

I'm doing alright. Feeling very appreciative towards all of you right about now.

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This may come accross depressing, though it doesn't make me feel that way exactly. It made me think and reflect on my current choices and ways of doing things.

 

A friend of a friend of mine passed away this last summer. It was very sudden, and this was how I came to get my cat. The cat was this friend of a friend's, and she needed a good home. Which became me.

 

Talking to my friend, and learning more about her friend who passed away, I was very struck. The more I learn about him, the more we both have been noticing how much in common and what a match we could have been for each other. He was also my age. Everything I have learned about him, has struck some serious chords with me as far as a deep feeling inside "that is the type of guy I can actually see myself committing to".

 

He is gone, and so of course, that will never happen. I never met him. And even if we had met, who knows if we actually would have liked each other. You can't tell these things as simple as that.

 

It just got me thinking. He was my age; absolutely adorable, such a kind face, had animals and was good with kids, never got married, lived alone and took care of himself, had a good (though not high profile nor huge money making) way to make a living, and cared about his family and friends. He was somewhat introverted, and liked rather simple things out of life. This is a lot like me; and though I don't want someone exactly like me (who is anyways, everyone is their own person) - this guy seemed like someone I would really get along with and want to know.

 

So it made me think. Number one: at my age, yes, sometimes people just unexpectedly pass. Life is short. And it could end at any time.

Number two: what am I doing to put myself in a position to know guys like that, and get to know them?

 

Got a clearer focus of what I want and how to get it now.

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