New Journal

[tiredofvampires]

He pulled out the 'time out' card today. We had that as an agreement in reserve for if we did ever come head to head and piss each other off. It worked. He said it (I want a time out), I said ok, and we both did, and through all this there was no crossing any big lines - no yelling, even raising of voices, no saying anything hurtful, just us being stubborn asses. Both of us.

 

You feel my pain lol....so this is something that isn't easy for anyone....even someone as chill as you?!

 

A little late to this, IAG -- but hehe! ME, "chill"? I'm not sure if that's tongue-in-cheek, but if not, I think "chill" isn't the first descriptor that would come to most people's minds (or those who see more sides of me), for better or worse. So that's refreshing.

 

I think it's important to be able to have spats in a relationship. I know couples that say they "never argue", and it's not necessarily a quality I'd want in my relationship. Not that I DO want to argue, but I also think it's unrealistic to expect two people with strong minds (and a good match for me would have his own mind) to never disagree/debate/argue. It's the manner in which it happens -- it should never be disrespectful, involving put-downs. And since I grew up in a home where philosophical disagreements degenerated into yelling and personal attacks, I have a deep aversion for that.

 

I guess I'm just saying, I don't think a great relationship has to be argument-free, and so I think you should not expect that to be your last.

 

Hear you, about the forum. I hope you're back soon.

[LikeWater]

The tone of the forum has certainly changed. I don't care for it. I need a break. I'm feeling like an animal here with a muzzle on its mouth. That's so different from my feelings being here before.

 

Something is definitely different here.

 

I've felt the same about this forum since a year ago or so. Hence my not hanging around this place near as often. For a website that's supposed to be about helping others, people sure seem ready to bite the head off someone and generally bring others down. I even mentioned it in my journal back then, about how it seemed so ridiculous to me that on a forum called eNotAlone... so many were more than willing to show others they were, in fact, very alone. I guess people forget what it was like when they so desperately needed the comfort of some kind words from here.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you everyone.

 

[video=youtube;iYJKd0rkKss] ]

 

"I suppose I was here because this was something I had to do."

 

Watching this documentary always makes me feel at peace. And it's impossible for me not to admire this man. It makes me happy.

 

I want to respond more to the posts since. Thank you for all the kindness. You guys are great.

 

And TOV, thank you for that. The reassurance. I think it's ok too; it's ok to have spats, and I do think this won't be our last. But we both have the same end in mind: respecting and loving each other. We share the same core values; and that goes deep.

[itsallgrand]

Being in a relationship again, on my side, is wonderful and challenging. Part of the wonderful is the challenging. But part of me finds it stressful.

And sometimes, it can feel like one more thing to 'manage'.

Such is life, right?!

 

I am aware that my tolerance level of being challenged emotionally though is lower than many other people. My tolerance for 'doing things together', being part of a 'we'. On a certain level, I don't care for it all that much.

 

My awareness of what I have to offer and what I expect has gotten a lot clearer lately. I expect... a lot. The tendency is to make those expectations somewhat unrealistic. And that is not fair, nor even attainable, and it works against.

 

A defense mechanism to keep people out? Maybe. It seems easier that way.

 

I just know I'm struggling. Struggling with emotions. Strong ones.

 

If I was someone else and not me, I wouldn't bet on me as the wagon to hitch the cart on to.

 

And that's the real problem, isn't it.

 

This sounds defeatist but really this is only one moment, and I rarely post about the happy ones.

 

This journal is mostly for ....this part of me. The part that has been difficult coming to terms with, and working through.

 

But I'm getting there.

 

It all takes time. A lot of time. And some of it...just is. Such as, my needing a lot of time, to process simple emotions. A happy day...can drain me and need a time to recover on the quiet and low.

 

And meanwhile, life goes on, the world turns, I am this tiny speck, and it mostly only means anything to me, it's tiny in the grand scheme. But in my life? It's been a defining feature.

 

The whole goal is it to become less and less a defining feature of my life. It's alright.

[90_hour_sleep]

"Alone in the Wilderness"...brought a smile to my face.

 

Was thinking about you this afternoon, IAG. Wanted to just say a quick hello. Read a few pages of your fall journal. Funny how we see ourselves sometimes, and the apparent misalignment between that perception and how others perceive us. Something I've been noticing more and more in recent months is that incongruity. And I think it relates to your comment about not betting on yourself...not being a good hitch to attach to. Why is it so hard to accept our strength, our value, our quality...while it can be so easy to accept our less savory bits, and invest so heartily in them?

 

Thoughts for another time.

 

Hope you're finding the courage to be good to yourself...wherever you are.

[itsallgrand]

OMG 90!! I just saw this now. Amazing to have a pop in visit by you. How in the hell are you?!

 

And thank you for thinking about me.

[itsallgrand]

I am happy with my life right now. God, it feels really good.

[Seraphim]

I am happy with my life right now. God, it feels really good.

 

I am glad to see that. I am there too. Life is better than I thought possible.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so happy for us Vic.!

 

The day has finally came. All that hard work. Worth it all the way. We can finally just enjoy!

[Seraphim]

I'm so happy for us Vic.!

 

The day has finally came. All that hard work. Worth it all the way. We can finally just enjoy!

 

Absolutely ! I am at a place where I am at peace with myself . My son is happy and doing well and my husband and I are the best we have ever been in our lives . He was so so awesome with me and my family during the move. ( my mom's)He was absolutely the epitome of the perfect husband . It was hard and long and he didn't get mad and he didn't get irritated and he just did what he had to do . We are just very gentle and kind with each other's feelings these days .

[itsallgrand]

Aww that sounds so lovely Vic! I am so glad to hear that.

 

So, I think I've turned a corner as far as being with my boyfriend. I've stopped fighting it- inside, that part of me that was holding back out of fear . The conflict over breakfast that I wrote about has been our last, so far. And things have felt even more solid since then. I think we both needed that wake up call about the role stubbornness can play in making life unnecessarily more complicated. I felt a switch inside me , a letting go. It's ok to have my faults, and at the same time, much of them can be managed way down with awareness and effort.

 

The stubbornness...I've recognized it, and my prideful side at times, for what it is. It feels like a relief having this deeper understanding of myself and how it feels to know how to release its hold.

 

Choice. I'm continually learning how much we really do have. I love this part of growing older and dare I say it, maturing.

[itsallgrand]

Haha I originally wanted to write about how we fared with a potentially high conflict situation. We moved things of his together, and worked together as the vehicle broke down. We were both tired and sweating and hungry. And we worked together so well as a team! Got things done. We were joking and laughing, and turned it into a good time. No ing or moaning or troubles ... It made me so happy and I felt such affection for him.

Later that night, he was very affectionate too. He usually is, but even more so. And he told me how grateful he was to be with me. How great we did and how it made him feel even more secure about us. That he appreciated how I am not a complainer and have such a strong work ethic too.

It was great. Seems like a good sigh to me!

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube_share;uMK0prafzw0] ]

 

Time for some tunes. This song has been stuck in head since I first heard it.

[Seraphim]

Aww that sounds so lovely Vic! I am so glad to hear that.

 

So, I think I've turned a corner as far as being with my boyfriend. I've stopped fighting it- inside, that part of me that was holding back out of fear . The conflict over breakfast that I wrote about has been our last, so far. And things have felt even more solid since then. I think we both needed that wake up call about the role stubbornness can play in making life unnecessarily more complicated. I felt a switch inside me , a letting go. It's ok to have my faults, and at the same time, much of them can be managed way down with awareness and effort.

 

The stubbornness...I've recognized it, and my prideful side at times, for what it is. It feels like a relief having this deeper understanding of myself and how it feels to know how to release its hold.

 

Choice. I'm continually learning how much we really do have. I love this part of growing older and dare I say it, maturing.

Absolutely stubbornness has played a part in our troubles too. We are both as stubborn as hell . We both knowledge that. Also competitiveness we are both firstborns And we both want to be top dog. However I would say I am the more dominant personality and he just gives in more than I do. He is far more diplomatic than I am .

[quirky]

Really happy for you IAG

[itsallgrand]

Thank you quirky!!

 

I miss chatting with some of you here. Wish we could meet up and all catch up over something fun.

 

Hope you are doing well quirk.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;ea1gGbtRfVQ] ]

Cool. We need more music like this again.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube_share;nvCleNb1vB4] ]

 

My boyfriend and I went to a pow wow together today. It was his second time in his life he had been to one. I felt proud to have his beside me-he is a good man. Sensitive, kind, with a big heart. I teared up a bit.

 

Got to see my friend and spend most of yesterday with her. Haven't seen her in a while, as she lives quite far away for the time being. It was a great day of Easter dinner, a lot of people who are like family, laughing.

 

Been a great weekend so far.

[Seraphim]

[video=youtube_share;nvCleNb1vB4] ]

 

My boyfriend and I went to a pow wow together today. It was his second time in his life he had been to one. I felt proud to have his beside me-he is a good man. Sensitive, kind, with a big heart. I teared up a bit.

 

Got to see my friend and spend most of yesterday with her. Haven't seen her in a while, as she lives quite far away for the time being. It was a great day of Easter dinner, a lot of people who are like family, laughing.

 

Been a great weekend so far.

 

Wow, I would love to go to one ! Are you métis ?

[itsallgrand]

Yes, Vic. And I know you'd love pow wows. They are quite powerful.

[Seraphim]

Yes, Vic. And I know you'd love pow wows. They are quite powerful.

 

Awesome!!!! I have often wondered If my mom's family is Métis .My mom's dad looks definitely native. A lot of Acadian families are part Native.

[itsallgrand]

Oh definitely. A lot of families can not trace all their family members either; the descendants were 'whitewashed'. I often suspected there were some Aboriginal folks in my dads family as well, but according to the family books - no. haha. I was lucky on my moms side that my gramps was involved with the Metis Federation so there is paper work on everyone. And pride.

[Seraphim]

C'est mon grand-père .

]

[Seraphim]

Yes ,our Native relatives would have been white washed as well .

[itsallgrand]

Very handsome!