SooSad33

So you were basically buying her love - or at least trying to. And see, even that didn't work! I highly suggest YOU get a grip next time you get involved, like wth are you doing signing for a lease on a home with someone you've only been dating a year? Geeze. I dated a guy 5 yrs and never did i inquire a thing about his finances nor did he let me use his credit card, etc. It shows just how emotionally spent you are still, from your last relationship. Was not a good idea to get involved again. And I have a feeling you just gave into anything & bent over backwards for this one in order to try and 'keep her'. Just don't. The right one will not use you and you will come to see IF you're truly compatible. And whats with the 'mistakes & sins'? Buddy, you're hurting in so many ways 😕 . Might I suggest you just take a good break away from dating... and focus on YOU and get yourself more healed than this. You've let your last experience bleed into this relationship - sooo not good . Either way, just continue to work through all of your emotions. It hurts, but the less you know and more time away from all the crap, the more you'll come to have a chance at healing and moving on with your life again. For now, be easy on yourself. Hang with some friends, stay active, get your sleep ( self care).

Some people are 'touchy feely', they have yet to grow up and learn about respect & personal space. I am weary about guys who flaunt with numerous women- could mean either a player or uses them to stroke his ego 😕 .. yah, no thanks. Cut what ties with him? You said all he's done is look at you...

So you assume? Hey, if she is this nasty & challenging, why would you continue to tolerate it? And go so far as to marry her? ( I know, cause ya love her.. and you're emotionally invested etc.). But, there comes a time when we NEED to actually take care of ourselves! Which means we will NOT tolerate being mentally or emotionally abused. It'll come to the point she's broken you down so much, you'll feel so belittled and crappy 😞 . And as for sex, that's the easy part. It is a normal part & enjoyment within any relationship and they can still continue to treat you badly. Has she ever been properly diagnosed? Does she go in circles with her behaviour ( anger to over loving again kinda thing), Or is she pretty much like this anytime? As mentioned, this has all pretty much gone south.... agree? Then yeah, you're doing the right thing with recording the proof. She's looking to cheat in this 'marriage'. And also, as mentioned- why keep waiting? For what? As all this is gonna do is continue to manifest inside YOU. If or when you do approach her, as Im sure you're feeling some anxiety , Plan ahead. maybe write out all you plan to say, when you approach her. I find that often helps.. otherwise, I go blank and nothing comes out 😕 . And also if you plan on doing all of this.. look for a place of your own - do you own? And look into a lawyer, seek out legal advice. Child support, visitation, etc.

First of all, he's a guy. They're not so aware of these little things as you gals are. So don't expect it 😉 . Second, you're saying something that happened 8 mos ago. ( when he complimented you?). So, it's time to let that all go. He sounds somewhat like a player. So, of course he'll say how nice you look and agree to go out to party, have drinks etc. I suggest you let it all go now and move on. He isn't worth it! Find a real man. Someone who likes you for you and shows some true interest.

Then why are you seeing him? If you don't want him there, explain why. is because you two are not exclusive. But, it's concerning that you've let this carry on for months, yet fear getting close to anyone and yet you remain with a guy with whom you hve no idea IF he's seeing others? 😕 , what's that doing to you? I think you need to figure your own self out. What do you want? Are you truly ready to date?

Sounds like he is not happy in this situation. Okay, this is NOT okay! he needs to have a life outside this relationship... But, besides that fact, he's a loser! No one needs to be made to feel 'guilt' over someone's attitude & assumptions like this! Sounds like some jealousy and ignorance! Sorry, but none of this is 'love'. IMO, he seems overly needy, which is one turn off and another is playing head games.. from making YOU feel guilt when he doesn't get 'his way'! As for these hook up & dating sites, he's most likely a guy who'll always have them available, look at how he acts. Is probably where he'll remain. ( some are like that, they become so used to those sites, it's a part of them. - whether involved or not.) No, not stronger. He's just a man child who needs to learn some actual respect and grow up! Move on, seriously STOP all interactions and if he keeps at you, ignore. You owe him nothing anymore .. but i get a feel he'll harass you a little, expecting you to cave.. Just don't! Hopefully within a week or so, he'll back off. No loss here 😉

And sadly, you won't even consider giving it a chance? I know a few others like you. I say it's a form of jealousy and no, it's not healthy. I second the idea of looking into some prof help, especially if YOU find it concerning, like it's coming to a point of some 'internal anger'. Anyways, everyone's different. Every relationship is different. Couple's break up all of the time, so you have NO idea what anyone's going through. Yeah, i've been involved, but i've also been through some really rough break ups. And I hit my breaking point, due to it all. I then did 4 yrs of therapy, to work through all of my hurts. I have not gotten involved since as I know my low tolerance now & risks of getting involved -- but this is just an example of ME and my own experiences. ( and there's thousands more out there...) As for you, not sure your age, but is there maybe something you can change or work on? What things have you done to 'better yourself'? .. have you ever been on a date?

Yeah, this is not realistic at all and he seems to want to 'avoid' any negative challenges, hence, why he's kept EVERYTHING inside until ..... his major blowouts. That, isn't healthy! Right, its all suppressed. -- And Communication IS important in a relationship, show's he obviously lacks in this. I agree here. It's best for you both to end it all. Including this business. It will not do either of you any good by having to remain connected in in way. 😕 . You accept what is now and work through your emotions to accept and heal . And the less you know, the better. You need to be able to move on and not be reminded at all.

Major heads up! Oh, I think you're getting to know her enough... I am glad at least YOU Have some self control. 😉 Another good point - differences. I think you two are opposites. - This, is something of a concern. She shows a lack of self respect and boundaries - hence setting other people off. Not good 😕 . Say, for example you two were involved and you walked in and saw her doing this to another guy .. and can you hear her saying 'Aww, please take no offence, he's just a friend'... Yah, no thanks! Maybe is best to remain as you are with her. Don't test those waters!

I am still not convinced of this being 'love'. To me, it's like a craving of yours and when it's available, you go in full force. ( Attachment style). It's just how you are. Is like an insecurity. One can be quite needy & clingy etc, and can push the other away because of their behaviour. Okay, so you see where you messed up. Good enough. BUT, is your way of fixing it to get on into therapy etc? Because, as for her, she already saw how you work. And, ou say you know you can fix it - by getting into therapy, right? if this is what you mean, good, but it will take some time to see any improvements. So, no matter what happens with her, keep on with dealing with yourself. As for no present meds, due to not seeing a psychiatrist. A Doctor can also give you something for anxiety, depression etc. You know your condition though because you have been assessed? Yeah, it could be kind enough to send her flowers, but do no more. Even if she reaches out to say Thank you, you do NOT start begging at her at all. You respectfully say something easy, like ' You're welcome, thinking of you'. And leave it alone. You keep saying her as being Avoidant. How well do you know this or how she is in this regard? Do you mean she's got avoidant personality? Do you understand all of this? As I read your post again, you two did not really get much 'real time' together in that short amt of time. It went from one extreme to another 😕 . I know you have and I'm shocked you haven't been into therapy or anything by your age 😕 . I was in therapy numerous times in my years, since I hit my teens. I needed it, I knew that, and I was also told back then, how I should be working on myself and NOT be looking to date for a while. And I listened to them. I met my first ex within a year after my intense therapy. Yeah, and that will be up to her and in her time. No one knows. How about, for now, you work at changing your focus. I find that journaling helps a lot to 'get it out' another way. Say all you want to her there. Every time I'd want to say something.. to vent, I'd say it there. Several times a day, for months, lol. I'm just thinking of ways to 'work through' your thoughts & emotions. No matter what happens. But, like I said, It's good that you've finally got things set up for doing some therapy. Never anything wrong with that & it can really help with issues.

Yes, that sounds like your anxiety. Sleep IS necessary, for proper function abilitiies and I can tell you are NOT in the right frame of mind. This isn't good for you. So, you really need to STOP trying to figure stuff out & worry about her. She will do what SHE needs and it's not from you, sorry 😕 . I get it, YOU want to be with her ... to be there for her, comfort her etc. BUT you can't. She doesn't want it. And yes, you did move along pretty fast - again, reason for her backing off and wanting her space now. And as I said, YOU need to try and understand this. Okay, so try and understand this. It is YOUR anxious attachment, so this is your issue. You are feeding your own problems onto her. She does not want or need this. Did you already send her flowers once? Okay, I think I already explained, it is not real Love. You two hardly got to know each other. There's not a lot there in this short time together. YOU relied heavily on her and then with her loss, she became even more overwhelmed with things and told you she couldn't do this 😕 . I am sorry for your pains right now, but you also really need to sit back ... take some deep breathes and really get a hold of yourself. You ARE already aware of your issue's. So, you know exactly how you can be. Then let this sink in a bit. Try and see what's going on. Try to see how things did not turn out how you'd hoped. I will admit, I think it's best you do not get involved again for a while until you know you're feeling better than you are now. I think some more time in therapy can help - and what about meds? You on anything? I feel it'd do you much more benefit to work on yourself a while longer to where you do not feel this way. Where you feel you can cope and not approach a partner with such pressures or expectations .... right? And also work on your anxiety & sleep issue's. One can & will function better when they've had some actual decent rest. To where your mind & body has had its necessary rest. That is important. When you get the rest needed, your mind works better for you. So, please sit back and think on this stuff.. Reality speaking, you should NOT be this worked up over some gal you became involved with a month ago. Sadly, I think you lost yourself in all of this and it didn't work out. But, it happens so often. We need to learn how to accept it, heal and move on. Deep breaths.... go eat something .. chill out for a bit. And watch something cool before you goto bed - to try and change your mind set 😉 . One day at a time.

Agreed. Same here btw re: hitting menopause. Either way, everyone reaches that in time. Whether it may have possibly 'contributed' to the fact she hit that stage in her life, you may just be assuming too much in it all. Fact is, she's no longer with you. This is what you need to work on accepting.

Yeah, I'm not sure IF getting back into dating is right for you - at least for now? I still sense some resentment re: your ex. As mentioned above, heck, I enjoyed 'me time', when kids were away - but in your case, you see them most weekends, so I get it 😉 . So, now.. what to do? Well, do you go for walks, work out, do a craft or hobby? Maybe consider it. Over the last cpl years, I became a big you tube junkie, lol. I first went there for music. then I learned about live streamers! So now I watch stuff 'live' on stuff like plane spotting - all over the world, to watching hummingbirds, kittens and my new one, chipmunks n squirrels 🙂 . Oh, and later in the evening I watch some guys follow police scanners in their cities, so we go along with them. So much variety, basically ( but that's me) 😉 . I also bake for local youth shelter and learned to crochet on YT. So, I do have plenty of interests. So, believe me, there's tons of options, other than watching tv or gaming all day, kinda thing. BUT, I also need to emphasize to focus on your own self. I feel you have some sort of 'need', but with that also requires some 'self love'. Eg, to work some more on 'accepting' what is, in regards to your situation in your life. You need to feel 'okay' with yourself and your situation. Yes, you had a relationship, which fell apart and now, this is how it is. So, if it's still affecting you in a negative, do you feel you can do with some more time working through your emotions? if yes, don't go running into another relationship, because I'm sure, in time the next person will pick up on this and pull away. So, tread carefully here. Be kind to yourself. Look at all the different options out there. Keep working on getting yourself back to 'Good'! 🙂 . PS, I've been on my own for about 4-5 yrs now and I'm totally okay with that. I don't have the 'ability' or energy to be involved again. As it does take your energy and you do risk getting hurt, again. So, see, no need to rush if you're not quite there yet. You can be alone, and not lonely.

Yes, surely give her space! She has asked for it. She's trying to tell you have she 'can't do this'. Now, with respect you NEED to try and understand this. She's hurting deeply. She has nothing to 'give'. She does not have the mental or emotional 'energy' to be able to give in a relationship right now, at this time of her life. She's struggling and is obvious, she's finding all of this with you, overwhelming. 😕 So, yes, it's best you remain at a distance and do not bother her about anything anymore. So, no expectations. This is how you show your 'respect' in this. Not sure how long you two had been involved, I dont think you mentioned this. but, either way, yes, keep up with your therapy. Do you have friends to hang with or family? Are you aware of 'coping techniques'? I learned a lot in therapy on that. I had bad anxiety - but is more controlled nowadays. ( eg. using your senses to 'ground yourself'). Touch, smell, sight, etc. When I go out I will have something in my pocket to touch. I bake a lot, which helps with smells, I will rub my feet on carpet to 'feel' and there's so many things out there like fidget gadgets, even in a buck store. What you want to do is aim your focus elsewhere and not constantly feel so overwhelmed with everything around you. What's going on with this poor girl is beyond YOUR control. it is her issue. And honestly, I don't think any of that is good on you either. 😕 . So, is best to try & keep busy other ways, as I said, hang with some friends, do your own thing and work on accepting things did not go well with this gal. You both need some time. To accept this unsettling event. Be easy on yourself. TC

I second this. You made your choices and did your thing. I doubt you can earn her trust back, so this is where you sit. You admit you made some mistakes? yeah, was your choice to 😕 . BUT, hey, if you're free now, you can go jump in the sack with anyone you want, now that you're truly single, right? ( w/out regrets). As for your kids ( not sure their ages). All I understand is you've travelled & did this while away over & over? But, if they're young enough, they may come around and be okay with you again. If you two are now separated, do you get visitation? ( I hope she has given them the option).

Okay, you two are still so young and do not know a lot about a 'healthy relationship'. And you've only known each other a month? 😕 I say you've moved way too fast -- too much going on ! I agree with her, things NEED to slow down. Less expectations and a little less time spent together, the way you have been the last few weeks. It's always so exciting in the beginning! But yes, now it's time to lay off a little. ( less expectations and let her breathe). So, I highly suggest you do NOT just run off to her country to live with her. ( maybe, in time you can work out arrangements to visit.... and leave it at that). As you have no idea IF you two are truly compatible! So, settle down a bit. And as for this 'Love' thing. No, it is not love, it's lust. It's the present excitement of it all. you two hit a 'high' with the whole experience. Love develops over time. Does anyone know if this is for real? No. But, you will come to see in time, on your own. Eg. Does she still try to reach out to you now and then? Meaning, some sort of contact, saying Hi and some talk about your days, etc - Not complete silence for days and days. For a healthy relationship, communication is necessary, for it to grow and progress. You also need trust, respect etc. So, give it a bit more time. See how things go and IF they do progress. Like I said, it's only been a month! 4 weeks of this high. Way too soon to see if this will work out. Meanwhile, get back to doing things with your own friends , family etc. Don't lose yourself in all of this 😉 . You need a life outside any relationship. You're both still so young and just getting going in this stuff. Keep living.

Yup, good words, good points SuperDave! We're all different, we won't always match or work out. Is just how it is. We're human, we make mistakes and sometimes we learn 😉 . We feel, which is why we 'act out' the way we do. Showing ourselves as needy, with the begging etc. People do it when they're freaking out inside 😕 . And they need to come to realize with their lack of self control will not make things any better. From the anxiety ( I had a rough time with), to learning to control ourselves and work through it all on our own .. to possibly in time, feeling better about it all and ourselves. It's all an experience . Not nice mind you, but something you'll sometimes come to have to go through if you choose to get involved... My pov nowadays is, If I don't get involved, I won't get hurt, lol. With that frame of mind & my own experiences over the years, I have not been involved for a good while and am in no rush to do so 😉 . I'm okay on my own. But, welcome back around. yeah, been a few years!

I second this. One thing that holds us back is remaining 'friends' or watching them on social media, live their lives, etc. What you need to do now is remove her from it. The less you know, the better, in order to work on letting go. To move on and heal.. let go. But you can't when you're sitting there seeing her continously. It's time now to see this from a different light. That it was an experience. You tried and it didn't work. It happens.. a lot! Now, it's time to work on accepting what is and move on with your own life. Not be stuck here. We live, we learn 😉 . Work on accepting the fact that things didn't work out and is time to move along now. Maybe you can do something like a Good bye letter. Write to her, say it's been an experience, you really fancied her and thanks for the good times you had. Then toss it! Let it be your final. Time for YOU to get back out there and live YOUR life, right? 🙂

WHY are you already to hand some girl you've know for a few weeks, a gold heart necklace?? 😮 . You just don't do that! No way, not so fast. That can end up making her more uneasy. And as for you saying the 'L' word. Nah, it's not love. That develops over time. Right now it's lust. That's it! Slow it all down! Give her some space and don't lost yourself in all of this. If she's wanting some time on her own for the time being, do your own thing. Have friends? It sounds like she may just be questioning the whole thing, with her response. Is best to lay low and don't be in her face with expectations.

I think she's got some issue's. Not too good on you 😕 . I removed a toxic 'friend' a cpl years ago, when I realized she was causing issue's with some guy she fancied, and realized he'd hang with me as well - but we were just friends. So you cancelled the trip? Neither of you are going now? How often do you see him? Does he go your way as well?

Geeze! Does he know this? As for her, I feel bad you'd actually think on inviting her to his place. Is just too much stress & tension. Not sure when this is to happen, but maybe you just have to let it all go. Not much you can do?

Okay, I see this as circumstances beyond anyone's control. And imo, YOU have some deep rooted issue's that stem from long ago. 😕 . Inside, do you not trust him .. or them? Can she not drive back with you when you go back home? I guess how you're seeing this is he sounds a little 'too excited' over her going to visit?

It's a strip bar, so not sure how that'd be seen as cheating? Is just an 'act' at this place. IMO, he seems to lack proper, respectful boundaries. Instead, he blurts out whatever's on his mind, instead of keeping it to himself, so then YOU know everything 😕 . Yeah, some people are like this. ( when the rest of us can 'think', oh, he's hot - but not say it, lol). I'm wondering if this gal came to feel a little overwhelmed & awkward, because I wouldn't like to have some guy come over & touch me like that! So, I find that a little too much. Like he has no respect for one's 'personal space'. 😕 . I don't know if this guy is for you. you've been involved 6 mos and I think over this time, you've come to see his true behaviour and it's unsettling.

I see this as an attempt to lessen the uneasiness. She only did it because you ran into each other today. Reaching out to say hello w/ an apology doesn't mean much - more to just ease their guilt. She dumped you : fact. You don't invite that back 😉 . Now, all is done, you move on , as she did.

Did you ask him what he means by this? And explain all you DO do? If it's just this statement and things are fine otherwise, why even bother discussing marriage after so many years? You're legally 'common law' and you've done fine for this long- why change now? Or is it that you've brought it up to him recently, which caused such a response? And why is it only YOU who does anything for the both of you? Can he not shop? Do you have a yard? Does he cut grass? Are you okay with this, that it's ALL on you?