roamingconfused

I keep thinking back to all the fond memories we shared, all the times he was indeed a caring doting partner, and I'm not sure how to process them. Do I tell myself those memories were "fake" and "tainted" since I never knew who this person is? Or were they genuinely good times, but he at the core a good person who is terribly misguided and ended up hurting me in the process? It's probably easier/faster to get over him if I adopt the first line of thinking, but I can't help but see the good in people... I still have a hard time believing his actions at the end. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

He and the girl have been friends for some time as he used to live in her city (unsure if there was anything more than that, but likely some sort of chemistry). And they also have a number of mutual friends. So she knows him…and has longer than I have. For some reason it hurts more that he sought out someone he’s known for years. And makes me think quite lowly of the girl herself…

Oh for sure… I’ve learned my lesson. That was a flashing direct statement. Something that really really bothers me is feeling like the *only* person he can treat this way and then projecting it onto “he’ll treat this current gf better”. In his prior relationships he was the one who was broken up with, and it’s not as if he has a pattern of doing this to prior partners. He was single for 3 years before meeting me and he said he did a lot of self growth and reflection after his last relationship ended… she broke up with him because he moved away for a new job. He’s a dedicated son, brother, friend…he has strong longstanding friendships from childhood. He drops everything to help the people in his life in need. He did the same for me too until… He dropped me in the cruelest way possible. The stark difference in behavior really disturbs my sense of reality and I can’t help but think I somehow brought out the worst in this guy (again yes, not a productive way of thinking). Am I just the only one who has been witness to his true character?

Thanks all for the helpful responses. I hate that so many of us have gone through similar. What are some signs to look out for in the future? Of course a big one in my case was the quasi breakup at year 1 - huge sign he was dissatisfied. But in terms of having the capability of carrying something on behind my back (emotionally/long distance)…I’m still not able to see any signs of that. I didn’t notice any signs of withdrawal. No increased phone usage. He seemed just as present, committed, etc, up until that very last week…scary how it was so seamless for him. Definitely if the other girl was local/in person cheating he couldn’t have pulled it off.

Thanks all. How do I get over the hang up that he might love and treat this next person "better" leading to a long lasting successful relationship for the two of them? I know that's not a productive to think about but it's a very natural thought...

Yes, same situation - that post has some additional details. We dropped the business and been been NC for several months. Oh wow, I'm seeing now you replied to that post and asked me "Is there someone else?" to which I replied "I'm fairly certain no one else is in the picture." HAH...and now this info has come to light. It just makes complete sense for him to pursue someone long distance, a friend, who maybe he had a prior romantic connection with, via texting/messaging. From a city he used to live in and that he and I always talked about wanting to move back to. Then at some point he needed to pull the trigger on me so he could solidify the new relationship and advance it in person. Pursuing someone local would be too difficult/risky, given I was physically present with him so often. We were not the type to be distrustful, check each other's phones, etc. You are a wiseman indeed.

The gaslighting in the final breakup was so severe making me question my version of reality to the extent that I started experiencing paranoia and panic attacks. I genuinely believed I was a horrible person that led this person I loved to so immensely hate me.

My ex (30M) broke up with me (30F) for the final time 4 months ago. We were together almost 2 years. Relationship was far from toxic…I was happy. There was a point at the one year mark where he broke up with me but then changed his mind mid conversation. Reasoning at the time was he has trouble expressing himself and found himself blaming me for his communication issues. He was bottling up little things that I had no idea about and it was creating resentment. When I assured him I am receptive to hearing any concerns, addressing them, I just need to be aware of them etc, he calmed down and wanted to contine the relationship. We had been in a good place following that for the next year. Then one week…he created a situation where he sabotaged things in such a way that he knew would upset me. Basically I went out of my way to do something nice for him, and he purposely scorned me. When I told him I felt unappreciated, he said “I did this on purpose to prove the point that you’re always unhappy.” This was the catalyst for him ignoring me for close to a week. When he finally agreed to talk to me, he broke it off and was absolutely brutal. Turns out the bottling of little things was never in fact resolved and a bunch of reasons and attacks were laid onto me, majority of which were major distortions of things that happened but he had interpreted to make me out to be an absolute villain. When friends/family heard what happened, everyone was shocked and the first question I would be asked is if I thought there was anyone else. To which I said no way - we were together all the time and there was no way he could swing being with someone else. Now I am 4 months out. Yes we are NC now. Long story but I found out this week that for months now, he has been in a full blown long-distance relationship with a girl that he has known for years prior. They are part of the same friend group as he used to live in the same city/state as her. The week after the BU, he had a trip planned to the same city where this girl lives. Now they are traveling all around together and he is likely moving to be with her in a few months. With the distance involved, the fact that he has been friends with her for a long time, and the intensity of their relationship now, I strongly suspect there was a level of emotional cheating/monkey branching and that helps explain the nature of how he ended things the second/final time. It’s just absolutely devastating. And because I don’t and won’t ever know all the facts, I keep oscillating between the various scenarios even though I know it doesn’t matter. Scenario 1 being - yes he did something truly awful and lined this relationship up beforehand. Then orchestrated this breakup completely turning me into a monster to justify his actions. Scenario 2 being - the person I thought I knew couldn’t have possibly done this - perhaps this was just the most serindipitous situation for him where everything aligned super quickly and he was able to jumpstart a new relationship right away. I have to force myself to write a narrative otherwise I know I will endlessly obsess over it. I just want to heal and move on, easier said than done. Would so appreciate anyone’s insight/input/analysis of this whole situation. Or any words of comfort…

Hm…not really. I’ve been drowning in processing the breakup and hoping for eventual reconciliation such that the logistics of the business venture have not been well fleshed out, whether we continue, both dissolve, or one person drops it. I’ll definitely need to reflect on that.

He can’t finish it without me nor me without him (unless we each find someone else) - we come from different complementary technical backgrounds.

We both have stable full-time jobs apart from this side project. During the break up, I said we should drop it, but he was the one adamant and says he wants to finish what we started. I don’t think he’s actually that passionate about it. I feel like it was a way to keep some sort of access to me, and vice versa…we’re clinging onto it as an excuse.

Thanks for the input. I can easily dissolve the business venture. That's easy to let go. The relationship, not so much. I still miss him a lot and am having trouble reconciling how he treated me at the end.

I'm fairly certain no one else is in the picture. A good number of arguments were miscommunications/misunderstandings over text message that could have been easily resolved had we immediately spoken to each other on the phone or in person. But I always had to wait anywhere from 24 hours to one week for him to cool off before we could hash it out, while I was always ready whenever to move on past it. That being said, I completely admit that I am not perfect either, and in the beginning I had a tendency to get annoyed easily (when I get annoyed, it lasts for like a few seconds, then I'm immediately over it). This greatly improved after the first few months. The week leading up to the argument that catapulted into the breakup, I was quite stressed about about a huge work related exam that was approaching. The day before my exam, I went out of my way to do a favor for him and was met with annoyance rather than gratitude. I texted him that I felt unappreciated, that was all, and that subsequently led to the blow up and the break up. In terms of the business venture, it's not something that we have to put any money into upfront, we are developing a digital app together. Pretty low risk. I feel that he is clinging on it potentially to have a lifeline to me in the early stages of the break up.

My ex bf of 2 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We are both in our late 20s. We had what I perceived as a minor disagreement, but he was angry out of proportion to what happened, took space for 5 days and when he was finally ready to talk he broke it off, quite harshly. Relationship context: He has a tendency to overthink things and not be able to communicate his concerns, leading to doubt and resentment towards the relationship on his part. Kind of moody and broods a lot. Needs a lot of space after disagreements, no matter how big or small. Objectively, we don’t fight that much, like maybe once every 2-3 months, and it’s usually about a minor misunderstanding, but any conflict whatsoever seems to greatly disturb him. I don’t want to label him as dismissive avoidant but I do see some tendencies in him. Obviously he has other great characteristics that I fell in love with. Previously at the one year mark he had come seriously close to breaking up with me due to some doubts on his end (he felt that couples shouldn’t argue at all during their first year together), but we stayed together and the relationship became even stronger over the last year. He had told me that he was the happiest he’s ever been and so glad we stayed together. Supposedly. Recently we had been making concrete plans for our future together. Breakup: During the break up convo he was pretty heated and he said some hurtful things about me. Like how he doesn’t enjoy my company anymore and that I make him feel miserable. He said the recent argument triggered all these suppressed negative feelings he has towards me. I didn’t get a chance to say much, I let him know I still loved him (and he said loves me too still) and I wanted to stay together but I had no choice but to accept his decision. In terms of the hurtful remarks…I am still processing them. I think they came from a place of him lashing out at me to justify his wanting to break up. Would be hard to accept that that’s how he truly feels about me. There was no indication prior to this for the last year that he was unhappy. Post breakup: Where things get complicated is that we have a joint business venture/side hustle together. On the day of the breakup, this was brought up and he said he still wants to see it through, even though I told him I am fine dropping it or finding a new business partner so we can go our separate ways. A week later we met to exchange some items (I initiated) and he was tearful and seemed guilty/remorseful/embarrassed. I kept things light and positive, I didn’t get emotional, and I didn’t delve back into the breakup. He did mention that the breakup event was all a blur to him and he needs more time to process. I didn’t engage further with that statement. We ended up discussing/working on our project for a few hours. We talked casually and parted on good terms. He left for a brief trip the next day. After he came back from his trip I texted him asking how it went (blah, I know, I just couldn’t help but reach out) and we had a good (text) convo catching up, until he abruptly stopped responding. During that convo we agreed to meet up next week to work on our business plan. Unclear if this meetup will happen as he went silent over text. I have not reengaged. I am seeking advice on how to navigate this situation. I still care a lot for him and wish we could return to how things were. I do feel blindsided by the breakup because I thought we were doing well. Even if the opportunity to get back together arose, I don’t think I would accept immediately unless we both change for the better. Also the negative comments he made towards me during the breakup have not been resolved - it would take a lot for me to forgive that. Yet I still deeply love and miss him and hold onto hope maybe we’ll find ourselves back to each other down the line. I understand the general consensus is to go no contact, but working on the business together only complicates things. It also seems like he is conflicted about his decision and not definitively set on cutting me out of his life. Seeking any general advice or wisdom for this convoluted situation.