really devastated after new discovery 4 months out

[roamingconfused]

My ex (30M) broke up with me (30F) for the final time 4 months ago. We were together almost 2 years. Relationship was far from toxic…I was happy. There was a point at the one year mark where he broke up with me but then changed his mind mid conversation. Reasoning at the time was he has trouble expressing himself and found himself blaming me for his communication issues. He was bottling up little things that I had no idea about and it was creating resentment. When I assured him I am receptive to hearing any concerns, addressing them, I just need to be aware of them etc, he calmed down and wanted to contine the relationship.

We had been in a good place following that for the next year. Then one week…he created a situation where he sabotaged things in such a way that he knew would upset me. Basically I went out of my way to do something nice for him, and he purposely scorned me. When I told him I felt unappreciated, he said “I did this on purpose to prove the point that you’re always unhappy.” This was the catalyst for him ignoring me for close to a week. When he finally agreed to talk to me, he broke it off and was absolutely brutal. Turns out the bottling of little things was never in fact resolved and a bunch of reasons and attacks were laid onto me, majority of which were major distortions of things that happened but he had interpreted to make me out to be an absolute villain. When friends/family heard what happened, everyone was shocked and the first question I would be asked is if I thought there was anyone else. To which I said no way - we were together all the time and there was no way he could swing being with someone else.

 

Now I am 4 months out. Yes we are NC now. Long story but I found out this week that for months now, he has been in a full blown long-distance relationship with a girl that he has known for years prior. They are part of the same friend group as he used to live in the same city/state as her. The week after the BU, he had a trip planned to the same city where this girl lives. Now they are traveling all around together and he is likely moving to be with her in a few months. With the distance involved, the fact that he has been friends with her for a long time, and the intensity of their relationship now, I strongly suspect there was a level of emotional cheating/monkey branching and that helps explain the nature of how he ended things the second/final time. 

It’s just absolutely devastating. And because I don’t and won’t ever know all the facts, I keep oscillating between the various scenarios even though I know it doesn’t matter. Scenario 1 being - yes he did something truly awful and lined this relationship up beforehand. Then orchestrated this breakup completely turning me into a monster to justify his actions. 

Scenario 2 being - the person I thought I knew couldn’t have possibly done this - perhaps this was just the most serindipitous situation for him where everything aligned super quickly and he was able to jumpstart a new relationship right away. I have to force myself to write a narrative otherwise I know I will endlessly obsess over it. I just want to heal and move on, easier said than done. 

 

Would so appreciate anyone’s insight/input/analysis of this whole situation. Or any words of comfort…

 

[Starlight925]

Scenario 1.  He lined this up long before the breakup.  He made little things into big things, blamed you for little nothings and blew them out of proportion to justify his behavior either in physical cheating, or in emotional attachment to this woman.  The blamer doing what they're blaming for.

I've been there, and yes, as it turns out, it was someone else brewing in the background.  Almost always is.

In your case, I fully believe he's had this lined up for a long time.  It's probably been there, in the back of his mind, since early on in your relationship.  But because you are not perfect (no one is), he used those little imperfections to blow up at you into full-blown diatribes, to justify what he wanted, which was Ms. Perfect long-term friend.  Of course, he'll find that she's not perfect either, so he'll find his next Ms. Perfect.  Or, as in my situation, he'll marry her, and she'll spend the rest of her life walking on the same eggshells you did.

I would say to cut him off completely and not view his social media, even though I know that's almost impossible.  I truly get how hard this is for you.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

Scenario 1 being - yes he did something truly awful and lined this relationship up beforehand. Then orchestrated this breakup completely turning me into a monster to justify his actions

It's this. 

I am sorry you're going through it. It's pretty awful when you realize what the truth actually is. Before you even got to the part where you discovered he's been dating someone, I was thinking he had met someone else and manufactured the break-up with you so he could be with her. 

I had a similar experience many years ago now, and it took time to process the revelation that he'd been seriously dishonest - but now he's merely a memory of someone I once knew. I moved on completely and have been indifferent for years. You will get there too. Better things are to come. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

My ex (30M) broke up with me (30F) for the final time  - the person I thought I knew 

Sorry this happened. Trust your instincts. He was not who you thought he was and his frequent breakups were manufactured to gaslight you. 

It seems like you dodged a bullet. Someone who lived a double life and shifted blame onto you when convenient. He is extremely toxic. 

 

[roamingconfused]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He was not who you thought he was and his frequent breakups were manufactured to gaslight you.

The gaslighting in the final breakup was so severe making me question my version of reality to the extent that I started experiencing paranoia and panic attacks. I genuinely believed I was a horrible person that led this person I loved to so immensely hate me.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

The gaslighting in the final breakup was so severe making me question my version of reality to the extent that I started experiencing paranoia and panic attacks

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Set yourself free from all this turmoil and crazy making. Is this the same man?:

 

[roamingconfused]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Set yourself free from all this turmoil and crazy making. Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, same situation - that post has some additional details. We dropped the business and been been NC for several months.

Oh wow, I'm seeing now you replied to that post and asked me "Is there someone else?" to which I replied "I'm fairly certain no one else is in the picture."

HAH...and now this info has come to light. It just makes complete sense for him to pursue someone long distance, a friend, who maybe he had a prior romantic connection with, via texting/messaging. From a city he used to live in and that he and I always talked about wanting to move back to. Then at some point he needed to pull the trigger on me so he could solidify the new relationship and advance it in person. Pursuing someone local would be too difficult/risky, given I was physically present with him so often. We were not the type to be distrustful, check each other's phones, etc.

You are a wiseman indeed.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

There was a point at the one year mark where he broke up with me but then changed his mind mid conversation. Reasoning at the time was he has trouble expressing himself and found himself blaming me for his communication issues.

Maybe it shouldn't be lost on you that this was a pretty douchey thing to do.

I'm sorry it took 2 years to learn that you deserve much better than this guy.

[Kwothe28]

14 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

Then one week…he created a situation where he sabotaged things in such a way that he knew would upset me. Basically I went out of my way to do something nice for him, and he purposely scorned me. When I told him I felt unappreciated, he said “I did this on purpose to prove the point that you’re always unhappy.”

Your ex seems manipulative. So its entirely possible that he orchestrated all that. There is simply no way they are moving in that fast. Which means something did happened beforehand when he was with you. And that he orchestrated a break up so he could be with her.

Anyway, I like to look at things like that from another angle. And that as much as it does hurt you, it would be infinitely worst if this relationship continued and you were married or had kids with somebody like that. Like this, you now know what a scum of the Earth he is and you can move faster with your life. 

[roamingconfused]

Thanks all.

How do I get over the hang up that he might love and treat this next person "better" leading to a long lasting successful relationship for the two of them? I know that's not a productive to think about but it's a very natural thought...

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

Thanks all.

How do I get over the hang up that he might love and treat this next person "better" leading to a long lasting successful relationship for the two of them? 

It's doubtful he'll treat this person any better. Be grateful you dodged a bullet and he's her headache now. This frees you for someone who will treat you well consistently. 

[Starlight925]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's doubtful he'll treat this person any better. Be grateful you dodged a bullet and he's her headache now. This frees you for someone who will treat you well consistently. 

^^^ This.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, roamingconfused said:

How do I get over the hang up that he might love and treat this next person "better" leading to a long lasting successful relationship for the two of them?

You may think how that would make her more deserving somehow. And yes, that is the wrong and not produuctive way of thinking about this. Because all that makes her more deserving is of some manipulative cheaters love. And again, you should thank stars you are not deserving of that, not think how she is the lucky one. Because she isnt. You are for getting rid of somebody like that from your life. You may not see it now. But in future you will maybe see it that way.

[Lambert]

I know what you mean about feeling like he treats her better or whatever.  but not only was he lying and carrying on behind your back, he couldn't even break up with you properly.

That's not your fault.  That's who he is.  A total tool. 

 Why not tell  yourself this instead:

He was a tool, you didn't know it then but now in hindsight, you're glad he's gone because you know you can do way better. 

It's probably the closest to the truth. you just can't see it because you're a good person that actually cared about the guy. Let that fade and your life will pick up! ❤️

 

[TacticalLinguine]

Ah. Been there. This is textbook for people like him. Having moved on, I can tell you this; be glad, you are so lucky to have gotten rid of him! This man was too cowardly to face his own actions so instead he turned you into the villain in order to justify his obvious betrayal. You are now free to find so much better. Whatever he does or doesn’t do, it doesn’t matter, he is not worth your energy. 
 

I know it hurts now. But there will come a day when you will see so clearly what he’s done and how he treated you. 
 

Keep your head up high. 

[SooSad33]

On 10/28/2023 at 1:00 PM, roamingconfused said:

There was a point at the one year mark where he broke up with me but then changed his mind mid conversation. Reasoning at the time was he has trouble expressing himself and found himself blaming me for his communication issues. He was bottling up little things that I had no idea about and it was creating resentment. When I assured him I am receptive to hearing any concerns, addressing them, I just need to be aware of them etc, he calmed down and wanted to contine the relationship.

Wow, the scum 😕 .

Round one sounds like he was already considering backing away from you .... BUT, not certain if, at that time, it had anything to do with her... yet.

 

On 10/28/2023 at 1:00 PM, roamingconfused said:

We had been in a good place following that for the next year. Then one week…he created a situation where he sabotaged things in such a way that he knew would upset me. Basically I went out of my way to do something nice for him, and he purposely scorned me. When I told him I felt unappreciated, he said “I did this on purpose to prove the point that you’re always unhappy.” This was the catalyst for him ignoring me for close to a week. When he finally agreed to talk to me, he broke it off and was absolutely brutal. Turns out the bottling of little things was never in fact resolved and a bunch of reasons and attacks were laid onto me, majority of which were major distortions of things that happened but he had interpreted to make me out to be an absolute villain

Right - to try & turn this all onto you! 😕 

So, sounds like he had a mental plan to 'get out of this'.

When all he had to do was be HONEST.  That he wasn't feeling it anymore.  Not lead you on for another year of LIES. 

That or he didn't want to be alone, so went from one.. to the other.  Either way he's pathetic.

I'm sorry you had to experience such a twit 😕 .  It may take a little time to get over this hurt, but in time you'll come to realize how the trash took itself out 😉 .

Yup, I've experienced the actions of some, similar to this.  (after a 5 yr involvement).  He'd lied to me a few times, in the end.  

Do as you are, NC.  And  time... in order to get thru this experience.

Be with someone who DOES appreciate you.  I know you'll find it. 🙂 

 

[roamingconfused]

Thanks all for the helpful responses. I hate that so many of us have gone through similar. 

What are some signs to look out for in the future?

Of course a big one in my case was the quasi breakup at year 1 - huge sign he was dissatisfied.

But in terms of having the capability of carrying something on behind my back (emotionally/long distance)…I’m still not able to see any signs of that. I didn’t notice any signs of withdrawal. No increased phone usage. He seemed just as present, committed, etc, up until that very last week…scary how it was so seamless for him.

Definitely if the other girl was local/in person cheating he couldn’t have pulled it off. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

What are some signs to look out for in the future?

Of course a big one in my case was the quasi breakup at year 1 - huge sign he was dissatisfied.

I don't think that's a vague sign -it's a direct statement.  So look out for any tendency on your behalf to ignore or dismiss flashing statements as "signs" of "dissatisfaction."

I think he was lining her up way in advance, too.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're hurting.  People who want to behave inappropriately can pull of a great deal especially given technology.

[roamingconfused]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think that's a vague sign -it's a direct statement.  So look out for any tendency on your behalf to ignore or dismiss flashing statements as "signs" of "dissatisfaction."

I think he was lining her up way in advance, too.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're hurting.  People who want to behave inappropriately can pull of a great deal especially given technology.

Oh for sure… I’ve learned my lesson. That was a flashing direct statement.

Something that really really bothers me is feeling like the *only* person he can treat this way and then projecting it onto “he’ll treat this current gf better”. In his prior relationships he was the one who was broken up with, and it’s not as if he has a pattern of doing this to prior partners. He was single for 3 years before meeting me and he said he did a lot of self growth and reflection after his last relationship ended… she broke up with him because he moved away for a new job.

He’s a dedicated son, brother, friend…he has strong longstanding friendships from childhood. He drops everything to help the people in his life in need. He did the same for me too until…

He dropped me in the cruelest way possible.

The stark difference in behavior really disturbs my sense of reality and I can’t help but think I somehow brought out the worst in this guy (again yes, not a productive way of thinking). Am I just the only one who has been witness to his true character?

[Batya33]

I would force myself to let those thoughts exist only on the periphery as you’ll never know the answer. And even if you do the end result is the same - the relationship is over. By contrast if you realize something you did generally that you’d like to change in your next relationship that might be a learning experience. 
i dated a reformed player type for 5 months. He never fell in love with me and ended it. He’d never had a true LTR and was 40.  He met his future wife 6 months later and fell in love with her. I’m not sure if he was entirely faithful but they’ve been together 20 years. I didn’t let myself go there as far as was it me. I did believe that I am not as attractive as his wife and I accepted that. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Some audiobooks (or books) that I’d recommend here is “leave a cheater, gain a life,” and “whole again” 

 

I find the audiobooks to be more helpful because you are listening to another person share thoughts with you through the narration and it feels more real and connected 

[Kathryn657xx]

This is so awful. I'm sorry your hurting but i think you've had a lucky escape. What's worse is that he has you questioning yourself and blaming yourself. It is almost certain that there was something going on during your relationship, he should of been honest with you instead of blaming you.

It's also true that you will never know the full extent and this is really hard to deal with - but deal you must! And you will. It will take time but you'll come to find yourself glad to be rid.

[Jaunty]

On 10/29/2023 at 10:53 AM, roamingconfused said:

Thanks all.

How do I get over the hang up that he might love and treat this next person "better" leading to a long lasting successful relationship for the two of them? I know that's not a productive to think about but it's a very natural thought...

It's not really a natural thought.   According to your OP, he treated you fine.  You felt happy and secure and it was long lasting.  That is, until he wanted something different.  Then you learned how he handled himself in that situation, which was atrocious.  

Who knows what his relationship journey with this new woman will be like.  One thing for sure - he's bringing himself into it, and he's clearly a very bad relationship risk and also a manipulative, dishonest and cruel person when it comes to him getting what he wants.

That is WHO HE IS.  

 

[boltnrun]

I know for a fact no woman is "better" than me. More physically attractive? Certainly. More educated? Surely. More intelligent? Probably. But "better"? Nope.

No one is. They're just different. And I'm what some men want and I'm not what other men want. That's just life. 

So no, this other woman isn't better than you. She's just different. Will he treat her "better" as in, not lie and deceive? Maybe, but she has to know he was deceiving you for quite some time. That can't be a comfortable feeling for her. 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

 me is feeling like the *only* person he can treat this way and then projecting it onto “he’ll treat this current gf better”. 

He is leading a duplicitous life. He is not going to treat anyone else any better because this is who he is. He may be a good actor but he's a little loony for pursuing an online distance thing behind your back and actually making it happen. This person doesn't know him and that's what he likes about the situation.