Kathryn657xx

Instinct, although not a 'physical' thing, is still something to consider. A woman's intuition if you like... Words are easy to say but behaviour is hard to hide, he says "we are so in love" but his actions are the opposite. Perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt - he might be unaware of how his lack of effort affects you but haven't you already told him this? It's ok to just plod on and not do anything until he does but how long will this go on for? Do you want to waste your time? (life) A relationship works two-ways, if he told you that something you did bothered him would you make a conscious effort to avoid acting that way? At the very least it appears he is ignoring your request for more time and affection which is quite disrespectful to you as a person. You both need to cater to each other's needs. It's ok to be stressed at work, but isn't everybody? I have this with my own husband, i ask him why he's in his own head a lot of the time and distant with me to which he reassures me it's just because he hates his job and is stressed at work. I am supposed to be his happy place, leave your work at work... 🙂

I am sorry you are experiencing this but you are not alone. I have very similar issues within my own relationship - the feeling that the other has 'checked out' but refuses to admit it when you address it. Without sounding too sexist, i do believe men deal with stress differently to women and this might be all that it is - he is stressed and his priorities have changed. This may be temporary - or not. What about his behaviour? Has that changed around you? You mentioned a group chat and a mobile game - are you positive there is nothing more to this ? These sound like excuses for being on his mobile phone a lot - just a thought. I am prone to paranoia. I am very much like you, i hold things in until i explode and you're right - this is not healthy. If you have addressed this a few times now though, you've given enough opportunity for him to "get it" and if he isn't "getting it" then maybe this is a choosing not to rather than not listening to you.

I think there are some very judgemental opinions on here, but opinions are opinions nonetheless. I'm not sure there is always a "reason why" someone cheats but if he is still searching for this maybe he is fighting a losing battle. There must also be a reason why he decided to stay with this woman - does she have good qualities? Was this just a blip, a mistake? Maybe she is working hard to build back the relationship but can still not understand her own reasons why let alone justify it to someone else. Human beings make mistakes unfortunately. I think couples therapy would definitely help in this instant. If he continues to confide in you about an event 2 years ago, he is clearly not 'over it' and perhaps needs a budge in the right direction. It isn't as easy to tell him to leave or that he should've left at the time - he didn't and this implies he wants the relationship to work - which it still can given the right advice and direction and willingness from both parties.

I would feel insecure too. This is 100% flirting and i wouldn't stand for it. This is how relationships begin and unfortunately it is only going to escalate. A very similar situation happened to me and my husband, i recognised his behaviour shift firstly...like his mind was elsewhere all the time and then i found messages etc. Nothing sexual happened between them either but on reflection flirting and private messaging is enough - did you ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing? You have every right to feel threatened.

Agreed, go as a couple but don't smother her. Above all - have fun! and stay safe.

After 19 years! I am so sorry, you must be devastated. What a total waste of life. However, is there not something more here? It doesn't seem entirely legit that he would remain in a relationship for that length of time without loving you - is he mentally stable? I hope you have a good support system around you.

This is so awful. I'm sorry your hurting but i think you've had a lucky escape. What's worse is that he has you questioning yourself and blaming yourself. It is almost certain that there was something going on during your relationship, he should of been honest with you instead of blaming you. It's also true that you will never know the full extent and this is really hard to deal with - but deal you must! And you will. It will take time but you'll come to find yourself glad to be rid.

Maybe you've dodged a bullet if you're not looking for the same thing anyway. Third parties also complicate things too. Write this one off and move on, it all seems far too intense. Good luck.

Is this related to him? Has he done something in the past that makes you feel this way ? Own your emotions I'd say - if you feel concerned by his lack of contact when he's already offered to check in - you feel how you feel, don't second guess it. Every body would have their own interpretation on this based on their own needs and emotions. If you have been together for this period of time, surely he would know that you have this anxiety and could quite easily send the odd quick message throughout the day. How long does it take to type out a message? 10 seconds, 20 seconds. It almost shows a basic lack of empathy towards you and your feelings. He should be able to go away and enjoy himself but what if the shoe was on the other foot? I am sure you would give him the affirmation he needs, why is he not giving this care to you.

Well firstly you're not overreacting - your reactions are your reactions, they don't need justifying. Others can give their opinions on whether or not it would bother them but at the end of the day it DOES bother you and that's all that matters. If everything else in your relationship is fine and you love this guy - can you not move forward from this and try to forget ? He was a boy at the time and maybe a good thing that he trusted you when sharing this information. Does he feel any remorse or embarrassment over this now? I presume the girl is unaware that this even happened? My other half does exactly this, he sometimes just slides his hands down my trousers to see what colour pants i'm wearing that day - although it's not normal i don't think it suggests anything threatening?

I understand the difficulty here - you are very conscious of his depression and are probably trying to avoid addressing your issues because you don't want to cause him to delve further into his depression. HOWEVER - if he is not communicating with you and putting you and your children after everything else, you have to think about yourself here. And your children of course. Like you say, you should be able to live your life and be happy, you do only get one after all. Do you want your kids to see this family dynamic as normal? This may affect them and their future relationships. *tip - try and remove yourself and become a spectator outside looking in. If one of your children was in a relationship with someone like this and was feeling this way would you advise them to leave? I know i would. I appreciate it's so difficult to leave a family unit, it is scary and you must be brave for what's coming. Children are so resilient too - they may cry or even potentially blame you but this will be short-lived. They will adapt and learn to live in a new family dynamic. It could open up so many other doors for you. Although you say you still take your children out and give them a family life but they will soon enough pick up on your unhappiness, they are more observant than we think - they wouldn't want you to be unhappy just like you wouldn't want that for them. It's going to be hard but by the sounds of it - you are already living the life of a single parent. Financially you may struggle but remember this is not forever and money isn't everything. Here if you need to talk, i have been there. Good luck x

Hi, What are you asking here ? If you are good enough for a partner? If you're worthy of being in a relationship - absolutely yes! If someone loves you for who you are, these bad moments and 'phases where you're just doing bad' should be able to be dealt with- or even better, be helped through! In todays society especially, people are so much more aware of mental health, you are doing so good and things seem positive! You are working and functional - you should be proud of that because it can't be easy. Take your time finding a partner - communication is key but don't ruin it by letting your feelings dictate how someone else feels about you if that makes sense - don't hold on to the idea that you'll drag anyone down.

Thank you kindly for your input. I did wonder why our therapist would offer these up as solutions. She didn't at first (during my individual session with her we spoke about social media, the clothes I wear, the friends I have - she was very much in agreement that to alter any of that for his benefit, to make him feel better would be controlling and abusive) but when we came back in together.. they way he described each 'trigger' to her in detail changed her mind. The Social media mainly because that was how he found out about my affair. Once he told he that she then said I should be willing to compromise. Social media isn't a big thing for me anyway, if anything it me feel bad so this wasn't all totally his decision. The clothes I wear, if they are more revealing am I looking for outside validation again? I should be more conscious of how this makes him feel. My friends (because they knew about the affair).

Thank you so much for your response. And this has always been a problem for me - I am stubborn so will never verbally say what i want, i feel like he should recognise my struggling. I totally understand this makes no sense and isn't fair on him so i do now try and be more upfront and ask specifically. In this scenerio (yesterday) i didn't ask for any help, i just felt too weak to really. He is aware of past issues though and one of the main reasons for me straying was because i felt like his mother rather than his partner. This is what i was afraid of and i am stunned that you have picked up on this from my initial post. I totally agree - i think he has checked out too. Thank you again for your reply.

You should feel valued and appreciated, love and saftey in a relationship - especially after 5 years. I understand it is difficult for you to leave under pressures on his mental health - but you only get one life! He will be fine.. still not your fault if he isn't. There are also too many different women - different social media platforms he's been playing on. Get rid of him, you cannot trust him. P.s you mentioned cheating at the beginning of your relationship.. this has no relevance to now so i hope you don't allow past guilt to guide you down the wrong path.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We've both done recent things we regret but have chosen to work through things together to make our marriage work. We have had therapy as a couple and as individuals. We worked mainly on triggers and what each person wants from the relationship and why things may have gone downhill in previous years. His triggers were social media, nights out with friends, clothing and passwords. I have since been removed off all social media, I haven't been out socially with friends for well over a year and i am very conscious of what I wear. I also have changed my mobile phone password told him so he knows. I don't like him going on my phone but the option is there (he never does anyway). My triggers were him being more attentive to me as a person and helping more around the house with jobs. These have not been addressed, in fact he has got worse with both. I feel invisible to him, he doesn't compliment me, he very rarely talks to me about me (he will talk about himself and work etc). He does nothing around the house, he doesn't do much with the children in terms of general care, for example helping them with home work or finding their socks or changing their bed sheets. It is left to me, it is just a given that i will do these things. Most of the time I don't mind because he works hard and he provides for us. However, yesterday just heightened my disdain with it all. I had the head ache from hell last night, it bought with it nausea and sickness. After I had complained a few times that my head was hurting, I still prepared the kids dinner, bathed them and got them ready for bed. All this time (and i actually timed it) he sat on the sofa transfixed with his phone, for 44 minutes without speaking a word to me. I took myself to bed and he didn't realise but when he did he asked me why i was being grumpy? I just said i don't feel well. I was awake most of the night with the worst pain in my head - he slept like a baby, woke up in the morning on his phone yet again and didn't once offer to help get the kids ready for school - he didn't even ask me if i was ok. *I must say that i had an affair a few years ago now - emotional and sexual. This destroyed my husband but we have since been in a better place. He also had an emotional affair in the aftermath of mine so we have had to deal with that too. Hence our triggers. My actions were inexcusable but during therapy I have tried to explain what led to the affair and a lot of it was due to feelings of loneliness, being taken for granted and no help at all with the house or the kids. I work full time too by the way. How can he not see that his behaviour is unchanged? Or do I deserve to live through this now? I've made my bed and now I must lie in it...

Hello, I am sorry you had to endure this throughout your childhood 1.) It is inexcusable and 2.) You have every right to still feel the affects of it now. No child should have to go through what you've been through and acknowledging that is a good thing. It's really difficult to give any advice here because i am certainly not a professional therapist by no means. It's sad that you haven't found any therapy that works for you yet - i would suggest keep trying though. What are the day to day things that you struggle with? Can you self-soothe through these episodes?

Yes, absolutely. Although it may not be 'her' that you miss but rather the feelings you had. I presume it was new/exciting/butterflies and all that... you are probably missing this 'feeling'. Especially if you are in a bit of a "lull" in life recently. I think it's only normal really and I have experienced similar feelings personally. Do things to take your mind of it, you obviously broke up for a reason.

All I see here are red flags, I am so sorry to say. The fact that he is aware you will be able to see these 'likes' and 'comments' is very dismissive of your feelings and borderline disrespectful.

I am just wondering if any parents have experienced (or are experiencing) similar difficulties. My little girl had a seizure last year on our way back from school, she was 5 at the time. I had never come across febrile convulsions before (even though i have other children) - so i didn't know what was happening and went into full on panic mode. Bearing in mind one of our neighbours little girl died a week before this in similar cirumstances, she'd also suffered a seizure in the car. Unfortunately, she didn't make it. My girl had an un-diagnosed chest infection which caused her temp to get so high hence the fit. She was prescribed antibiotics and got better, THANK FULLY. Because she showed no signs of being poorly at the time, she didn't cough or wheeze at all i am so scared that it will happen again. Every night i have difficulty falling asleep and have to check on all of my children constantly, i measure their temperature while they sleep and monitor their breathing. I eventually drift off but wake atleast twice in the night when i panic and have to check them again. My heart rate races and my mind makes up all sorts of things until i eventually drift off again - i wake up shattered every day. My anxieties are rubbing off on my children now, to the extent that i worry they won't tell me if they feel poorly because of my reaction. The winter period is looming and i feel my anxiety hightening, do you think a visit to my GP may help? I am really trying to avoid any medication - primarily because i worry that if i am in too deep a sleep i won't be able to be there during the night if anything happens to them. I have never been this way, i had my first child when i was 20 and have dealt with childhood illnesses so well up until now. I think it caught me off guard and now i am constantly in 'alert-mode' Please be kind with your advice...

Bless you, you're in a difficult situation and i understand how much you are pinning on this relationship working. I have been in similar situations and my partner always stresses that he needs me to tell him how i feel because he isn't a mind-reader. Maybe this may be applicable to you - if you partner is continuing as if nothing is wrong, maybe he isn't aware of any issues or feelings you might be having. You need to address them and him direct and then judge his reaction, he may show compassion and willing to move forward, if he is dismissive then it may be time to move on on your own. You need your partner to want your relationship just as much as you, not one-sided as this will be exhausting for you.

Be the bigger person and don't chase this guy, unfortunately he doesn't sound interested. In fact, he sounds just like all the other "boys" of this generation...luring you in with all the right talk, making you place importance on his "likes" and "views" when in reality he is probably doing the same with numerous girls. It's sad and i certainly know how you feel, accepting it is the hardest part. Instead of playing 'hard to get' with him, play 'impossible to get' - know your worth.

If my child was a bully i would have no issue with a parent addressing this in a calm and mature way. You can't just let it lie or put your faith in institutions to deal with - they don't care i'm afraid, it's just more paperwork and hassle for them to deal with. Go directly to the parents if you have to. I don't know how you can sit on this and not take immediate action. I am not confrontational in the slightest but i would be paying the parents a visit as well as the bully. This bu**sh** about security and safety is only a relatively new concept in our new "over-sensitive' world which is why our kids now can't deal with real life and end up taking medication and ultimately ending their own lives. It's devastating.

I think the issue here is quite simple - he didn't like the fact you left in the middle of the night with another man - regardless of your friendship. Maybe put the shoe on the other foot, if this guy left your house in the middle of the night and was picked up by another woman, but they are just good friends, I think you'd be slightly concerned and a little annoyed. To ghost you is immature though so don't waste your time thinking on it. Move on and hopefully you find someone a little more mature who can accept you have male friends too. Good luck.

Please go into that school and address the bully directly - kid or not. I had a similar issue with my daughter, a boy at school calling her fat. I confronted him in a very nice manner and asked him why he keeps saying it and told him that if he said it one more time i would tell his mum and he would be in serious trouble. He was 8 years old at the time, i was in no way aggressive or scary - it was a very matter-of-fact approach. He has never verbally abused her again.