Kathryn657xx

Instinct, although not a 'physical' thing, is still something to consider. A woman's intuition if you like... Words are easy to say but behaviour is hard to hide, he says "we are so in love" but his actions are the opposite. Perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt - he might be unaware of how his lack of effort affects you but haven't you already told him this? It's ok to just plod on and not do anything until he does but how long will this go on for? Do you want to waste your time? (life) A relationship works two-ways, if he told you that something you did bothered him would you make a conscious effort to avoid acting that way? At the very least it appears he is ignoring your request for more time and affection which is quite disrespectful to you as a person. You both need to cater to each other's needs. It's ok to be stressed at work, but isn't everybody? I have this with my own husband, i ask him why he's in his own head a lot of the time and distant with me to which he reassures me it's just because he hates his job and is stressed at work. I am supposed to be his happy place, leave your work at work... 🙂

I am sorry you are experiencing this but you are not alone. I have very similar issues within my own relationship - the feeling that the other has 'checked out' but refuses to admit it when you address it. Without sounding too sexist, i do believe men deal with stress differently to women and this might be all that it is - he is stressed and his priorities have changed. This may be temporary - or not. What about his behaviour? Has that changed around you? You mentioned a group chat and a mobile game - are you positive there is nothing more to this ? These sound like excuses for being on his mobile phone a lot - just a thought. I am prone to paranoia. I am very much like you, i hold things in until i explode and you're right - this is not healthy. If you have addressed this a few times now though, you've given enough opportunity for him to "get it" and if he isn't "getting it" then maybe this is a choosing not to rather than not listening to you.

I think there are some very judgemental opinions on here, but opinions are opinions nonetheless. I'm not sure there is always a "reason why" someone cheats but if he is still searching for this maybe he is fighting a losing battle. There must also be a reason why he decided to stay with this woman - does she have good qualities? Was this just a blip, a mistake? Maybe she is working hard to build back the relationship but can still not understand her own reasons why let alone justify it to someone else. Human beings make mistakes unfortunately. I think couples therapy would definitely help in this instant. If he continues to confide in you about an event 2 years ago, he is clearly not 'over it' and perhaps needs a budge in the right direction. It isn't as easy to tell him to leave or that he should've left at the time - he didn't and this implies he wants the relationship to work - which it still can given the right advice and direction and willingness from both parties.

I would feel insecure too. This is 100% flirting and i wouldn't stand for it. This is how relationships begin and unfortunately it is only going to escalate. A very similar situation happened to me and my husband, i recognised his behaviour shift firstly...like his mind was elsewhere all the time and then i found messages etc. Nothing sexual happened between them either but on reflection flirting and private messaging is enough - did you ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing? You have every right to feel threatened.

Agreed, go as a couple but don't smother her. Above all - have fun! and stay safe.

After 19 years! I am so sorry, you must be devastated. What a total waste of life. However, is there not something more here? It doesn't seem entirely legit that he would remain in a relationship for that length of time without loving you - is he mentally stable? I hope you have a good support system around you.

This is so awful. I'm sorry your hurting but i think you've had a lucky escape. What's worse is that he has you questioning yourself and blaming yourself. It is almost certain that there was something going on during your relationship, he should of been honest with you instead of blaming you. It's also true that you will never know the full extent and this is really hard to deal with - but deal you must! And you will. It will take time but you'll come to find yourself glad to be rid.

Maybe you've dodged a bullet if you're not looking for the same thing anyway. Third parties also complicate things too. Write this one off and move on, it all seems far too intense. Good luck.

Is this related to him? Has he done something in the past that makes you feel this way ? Own your emotions I'd say - if you feel concerned by his lack of contact when he's already offered to check in - you feel how you feel, don't second guess it. Every body would have their own interpretation on this based on their own needs and emotions. If you have been together for this period of time, surely he would know that you have this anxiety and could quite easily send the odd quick message throughout the day. How long does it take to type out a message? 10 seconds, 20 seconds. It almost shows a basic lack of empathy towards you and your feelings. He should be able to go away and enjoy himself but what if the shoe was on the other foot? I am sure you would give him the affirmation he needs, why is he not giving this care to you.

Well firstly you're not overreacting - your reactions are your reactions, they don't need justifying. Others can give their opinions on whether or not it would bother them but at the end of the day it DOES bother you and that's all that matters. If everything else in your relationship is fine and you love this guy - can you not move forward from this and try to forget ? He was a boy at the time and maybe a good thing that he trusted you when sharing this information. Does he feel any remorse or embarrassment over this now? I presume the girl is unaware that this even happened? My other half does exactly this, he sometimes just slides his hands down my trousers to see what colour pants i'm wearing that day - although it's not normal i don't think it suggests anything threatening?

I understand the difficulty here - you are very conscious of his depression and are probably trying to avoid addressing your issues because you don't want to cause him to delve further into his depression. HOWEVER - if he is not communicating with you and putting you and your children after everything else, you have to think about yourself here. And your children of course. Like you say, you should be able to live your life and be happy, you do only get one after all. Do you want your kids to see this family dynamic as normal? This may affect them and their future relationships. *tip - try and remove yourself and become a spectator outside looking in. If one of your children was in a relationship with someone like this and was feeling this way would you advise them to leave? I know i would. I appreciate it's so difficult to leave a family unit, it is scary and you must be brave for what's coming. Children are so resilient too - they may cry or even potentially blame you but this will be short-lived. They will adapt and learn to live in a new family dynamic. It could open up so many other doors for you. Although you say you still take your children out and give them a family life but they will soon enough pick up on your unhappiness, they are more observant than we think - they wouldn't want you to be unhappy just like you wouldn't want that for them. It's going to be hard but by the sounds of it - you are already living the life of a single parent. Financially you may struggle but remember this is not forever and money isn't everything. Here if you need to talk, i have been there. Good luck x

Hi, What are you asking here ? If you are good enough for a partner? If you're worthy of being in a relationship - absolutely yes! If someone loves you for who you are, these bad moments and 'phases where you're just doing bad' should be able to be dealt with- or even better, be helped through! In todays society especially, people are so much more aware of mental health, you are doing so good and things seem positive! You are working and functional - you should be proud of that because it can't be easy. Take your time finding a partner - communication is key but don't ruin it by letting your feelings dictate how someone else feels about you if that makes sense - don't hold on to the idea that you'll drag anyone down.

Thank you kindly for your input. I did wonder why our therapist would offer these up as solutions. She didn't at first (during my individual session with her we spoke about social media, the clothes I wear, the friends I have - she was very much in agreement that to alter any of that for his benefit, to make him feel better would be controlling and abusive) but when we came back in together.. they way he described each 'trigger' to her in detail changed her mind. The Social media mainly because that was how he found out about my affair. Once he told he that she then said I should be willing to compromise. Social media isn't a big thing for me anyway, if anything it me feel bad so this wasn't all totally his decision. The clothes I wear, if they are more revealing am I looking for outside validation again? I should be more conscious of how this makes him feel. My friends (because they knew about the affair).

Thank you so much for your response. And this has always been a problem for me - I am stubborn so will never verbally say what i want, i feel like he should recognise my struggling. I totally understand this makes no sense and isn't fair on him so i do now try and be more upfront and ask specifically. In this scenerio (yesterday) i didn't ask for any help, i just felt too weak to really. He is aware of past issues though and one of the main reasons for me straying was because i felt like his mother rather than his partner. This is what i was afraid of and i am stunned that you have picked up on this from my initial post. I totally agree - i think he has checked out too. Thank you again for your reply.

You should feel valued and appreciated, love and saftey in a relationship - especially after 5 years. I understand it is difficult for you to leave under pressures on his mental health - but you only get one life! He will be fine.. still not your fault if he isn't. There are also too many different women - different social media platforms he's been playing on. Get rid of him, you cannot trust him. P.s you mentioned cheating at the beginning of your relationship.. this has no relevance to now so i hope you don't allow past guilt to guide you down the wrong path.