Not getting my requests answered by the other half

[Loka56]

I have been feeling that my other half is losing interest in me. He and I used to connect on a mental level, and this was the charm of our relationship, in my eyes, for this whole time (~2 years). 

When things were new, and we both were adjusting to each other's triggers, he used to hold onto the mental-level conversations. It happened only a single time when I messed things up (I have no doubt about that), and he was so hurt that it took us some time to get back to normal. 

Now, 4 months into our legal marriage, and our wedding ceremony is around the corner (planned for December), he is not communicating the way he used to. I get so irritated about this. Okay, I understand, things are going to be a bit comfy between us, he no longer has to make as much effort as he used to, but still, I am his wife, and he should at least contribute to maintain the connection we have. 

It's been around 2 months of feeling this way, like a neglected kid. 

I usually behave this way: take it until I get so furious. But I learned that a couple should try to discuss things in a jolly manner and get conflicts sorted. 

A month ago, I burst into him about not spending much time together. He asked me to wait till Saturday, we went on a date, played Jenga, had lunch, and kept teasing me the whole time. Then again, I had to wait for the next Saturday to spend time together. 

After that quarrel, I tried different things: 

- behave in a more affectionate way, he will respond accordingly, and I will get what I want (more time together, attention)

- Connect with him throughout the day instead of waiting for Saturday. 

- have a quick ~5 minutes call on our way to the gym. 
We don't live together. 

But things haven't improved, and they are the same, I have to wait for Saturday to spend some time together. 

So last night I burst onto him again and said, "I hate it, asking for the same thing again and again and not being heard. If we can't fix this, I will just get myself fixed" 

I remember him saying, "work has been stressful (I saw that on his face too) and things will be easier once we start living together" 

But what my instinct says, his work was always as stressful as it is now. And if he is struggling to give me enough time and spend enough time with me, then it is going to stay like this forever. 

Just for reference, for thee hours we used to spend time together, he has found some activities, i.e., gym, mobile game, a group chat about coffee.  

After last night, I have decided to found myself some activities too. JFYI, I have a full-time job, I cook for my family, doing wedding preps, and go to gym. My point is, my life is as hectic as his, but he is the only one who have no time for me. 

[Kathryn657xx]

I am sorry you are experiencing this but you are not alone. I have very similar issues within my own relationship - the feeling that the other has 'checked out' but refuses to admit it when you address it.

Without sounding too sexist, i do believe men deal with stress differently to women and this might be all that it is - he is stressed and his priorities have changed. This may be temporary - or not.

What about his behaviour? Has that changed around you? You mentioned a group chat and a mobile game - are you positive there is nothing more to this ? These sound like excuses for being on his mobile phone a lot - just a thought. I am prone to paranoia.

I am very much like you, i hold things in until i explode and you're right - this is not healthy. If you have addressed this a few times now though, you've given enough opportunity for him to "get it" and if he isn't "getting it" then maybe this is a choosing not to rather than not listening to you.

 

 

[Loka56]

1 minute ago, Kathryn657xx said:

What about his behaviour? Has that changed around you? You mentioned a group chat and a mobile game - are you positive there is nothing more to this ? These sound like excuses for being on his mobile phone a lot - just a thought. I am prone to paranoia.

I am going to rely on the 'girl's instint' here. I am not sensing anything like this. 

Yes, his behavior has changed. The way he used to look at me has also changed. But as these things aren't factual and I think it would be very hard for him to get, just to know things better, I flatly asked, 'Are you getting distant' to which he replied, 'Woah? where is this coming from? I think we are so in love these days and we have never been this way before' It was reassuring. 

I can relate with him on this. There was a time when I thought 'we are over the moon and so in love' but he mentioned that he was not getting enough time with me. 

What I was thinking is: just stop doing the efforts and talk when he wants to. 

But, isn't it going to make things worse between us? Because of this thought, I didn't change anything today. And he might be thinking that the way I picked a fight last night was because of something else, instead of this particular issue. 

 

[Kathryn657xx]

Instinct, although not a 'physical' thing, is still something to consider. A woman's intuition if you like...

Words are easy to say but behaviour is hard to hide, he says "we are so in love" but his actions are the opposite. Perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt - he might be unaware of how his lack of effort affects you but haven't you already told him this?

It's ok to just plod on and not do anything until he does but how long will this go on for? Do you want to waste your time? (life)

A relationship works two-ways, if he told you that something you did bothered him would you make a conscious effort to avoid acting that way? At the very least it appears he is ignoring your request for more time and affection which is quite disrespectful to you as a person. You both need to cater to each other's needs. It's ok to be stressed at work, but isn't everybody? I have this with my own husband, i ask him why he's in his own head a lot of the time and distant with me to which he reassures me it's just because he hates his job and is stressed at work. I am supposed to be his happy place, leave your work at work...

 

🙂

[Loka56]

Thank you for your insights. But, this single thing can't be something to end my relationship for. 

He needs to do something, yes. 

I need to keep myself occupied, yes. 

We need to discuss things, yes. 

Ending it is not a good option here. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered doing the exact opposite of what you are doing ? For example rather than texting him more wanting more etc., pull back. Be less clingy and available. Be more mysterious. Give him a chance to miss you. Is he busy with his work, family and children during the week? 

[Batya33]

Perhaps consider with all the "bursting" on him you are doing he might not be so motivated to spend time with you? Why is that the way you approach him in this situation? Also sure whatever works with the "mental level" conversations but it's not working and it sounds kind of rigidly compartmentalized.  From an outsider's perspective.

[Loka56]

Yes he is busy with his family during the week. But it was the same from the beginning. 

I will definitely try that. The last time I tried making him miss me, it backfired and turned into a serious quarrel. I had to apologize and make it upto him.

He says these things to me

- Stop making it look like you are begging for my time and i don't have any. 

- don't make it sound like i am not doing enough

On such comments, I have got nothing to say. I rarely face situations where he doesn't get what I am trying to say @Wiseman2

[Loka56]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Perhaps consider with all the "bursting" on him you are doing he might not be so motivated to spend time with you? Why is that the way you approach him in this situation?

It is not just bursting. I mentioned that I tried to be more affectionate, without overdoing it, towards him to get his attention. 

I don't know why I get so furious when not getting enough time with him and have to mention it again and again. I just hate it. It feels like begging. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

It is not just bursting. I mentioned that I tried to be more affectionate, without overdoing it, towards him to get his attention. 

I don't know why I get so furious when not getting enough time with him and have to mention it again and again. I just hate it. It feels like begging. 

But you're being affectionate to get something from him -and he knows it, and you mentioned being confrontational/bursting -twice -sounds kind of aggressive to me and overdoing it/overwhelming.  How about instead giving him even more space right now -and let him come to you?

[Loka56]

Just now, Batya33 said:

But you're being affectionate to get something from him -and he knows it, and you mentioned being confrontational/bursting -twice -sounds kind of aggressive to me and overdoing it/overwhelming.  How about instead giving him even more space right now -and let him come to you?

Maybe I am acting like a child. You are right. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Loka56 said:

Maybe I am acting like a child. You are right. 

I didn't write that you were acting like a child.  

[Loka56]

What do you guys suggest for the routine rituals? 

[Batya33]

Just now, Loka56 said:

What do you guys suggest for the routine rituals? 

I suggest -none unless he has expressed interest in "routine rituals" - how about doing a brisk walk together a couple of times a week?

[Loka56]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I suggest -none unless he has expressed interest in "routine rituals" - how about doing a brisk walk together a couple of times a week?

I am sure it will turn into a fight 😢 I am feeling so hurt, he just shut me up again and I don't know what I am going to do. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I am sure it will turn into a fight 😢 I am feeling so hurt, he just shut me up again and I don't know what I am going to do. 

It depends how and when you suggest plus tone.  Are you perhaps focused more on prepping for your party to celebrate the marriage - than the marriage -like, how you two communicate? He shouldn't shut you up but I can imagine if you disturb his work or when he wants me time he might express frustration.  

[catfeeder]

Two things I wish I learned earlier: 1) I can’t force anyone to want what they don’t want. Nagging, fighting or reminders can cause the opposite of my intended effect, because they impose what I want as a chore. This is like parenting a child, and aside from being very unsexy, what do children do? They rebel. So parenting an equal partner creates a dynamic that makes both people miserable.

2) If I compensate for the inaction of another, I deprive myself of valuable information. I maintain a perception of what I want as a chore, and I don’t allow myself to learn what a person would choose to do on their own without my influence. I’d prefer to give another the gift of missing me. From there I can learn what rhythm they’d prefer and whether that’s something I can adapt to, or whether given the freedom to avoid a chore, what I want becomes more desirable to them.

I’d rather learn the truth of another than to fight it and harm myself and further harm the relationship. Allowing myself to learn actual outcomes will either heal my own perceptions or it will clarify my judgement to make decisions based on real information.

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

) If I compensate for the inaction of another, I deprive myself of valuable information. I maintain a perception of what I want as a chore, and I don’t allow myself to learn what a person would choose to do on their own without my influence. I’d prefer to give another the gift of missing me. From there I can learn what rhythm they’d prefer and whether that’s something I can adapt to, or whether given the freedom to avoid a chore, what I want becomes more desirable to them

This is so helpful. Thank you so much. 

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

This is so helpful. Thank you so much. 

You’re welcome. If you decide to pull back from trying to influence your husband or from compensating for his inaction, allow for a period of discomfort as you both adjust to this shift.

Consider it a time to invest in exploring your own potential for expanding and deepening your own interests, especially to the degree that you thrive in your own autonomy. But more so, remove your focus from measuring the responses of your husband, because it will take time for him to adjust his perceptions of viewing you through a new lens, and one that is no longer of obligation. It will take time for him to recognize that he is no longer being pressured, and so he no longer needs to justify any of the time he has carved out as ‘his’ time.

So his defenses go down even while your autonomy increases. It will take time to learn what he does with that, but first he needs to let go of his current perceptions of pressure and measurement.

[boltnrun]

If you're married why don't you live together?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you're married why don't you live together?

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Messy.

[Jaunty]

If you decide to part, how is that handled now that you've already had the religious part of your wedding?  Would you need to get a formal divorce?

 

[Loka56]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If you decide to part, how is that handled now that you've already had the religious part of your wedding?  Would you need to get a formal divorce?

 

I know this is a bit disturbing for me, but this is not something to get a divorce for. 

As far as your question concern, yes, the formal law will apply. 

[Loka56]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Messy.

Not that much. Everything has been sorted out on our families' part. My mom has agreed, his mom and he himself came to convince her. My mom, is in fact, happy. She is inviting all her side of family members, friends, and many more.