Not getting my requests answered by the other half

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Loka56 said:

Nope. The quantity of time doesn't matter. Even an active call of a few minutes is enough. 

 

Confused -you seem to say marriage will be better because you'll have more time together.  You seem very all over the place.  Do you find that party planning feels good because it's not emotional and it's easy to make those decisions but taking the time to plan for your marriage seems overwhelming?

[Loka56]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  Do you talk with or to them? What happens if you want things a certain way? How do you get your requests met? Do you treat your partner with the same manners and respect?

Also you said you don't have time to talk to your partner more because of party planning.  I wrote to focus on marriage planning even if it means not party planning or delaying the party.  What is your priority here??

I didn't mean I don't have time to chat about it with him. What I mean is, I think it is useless. I am getting tired of talking about the same thing again and again. 

[Loka56]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Confused -you seem to say marriage will be better because you'll have more time together.  You seem very all over the place.  Do you find that party planning feels good because it's not emotional and it's easy to make those decisions but taking the time to plan for your marriage seems overwhelming

Wait a minute. You are getting me wrong. This is not what I am saying. 

[boltnrun]

I can tell you that issues that exist prior to marriage that are not addressed get worse after marriage, not better.

Are you saying that after you two get married and live together you still won't have more than a few hours a week to spend together?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Loka56 said:

The last time we talked, somewhere around Nov-9, he thought that I was picking a fight.

Wait.  It's now December 2.   You have not spoken to the man you are literally already married to - albeit without a formal ceremony - for almost a full month?

All I can come up with is that you may be in an uncomfortable middle ground between different cultural norms.

You and he evidently met and decided you would marry.  There was some kind of courtship and flowery romantic words exchanged, and you had the nikah.  

Maybe after that he decided that the courtship phase was over and there was not any more call for paying attention to the relationship or to you in the way he did during "courtship."

I do not come from a culture where arranged marriages are typical.   I know some things from reading or talking to people.   In some arranged marriages the couple has spent some time together and both agree to marry, but then they don't continue to "date" as they await the ceremony - as I have understood it.   Is this correct?

If it is, perhaps your husband / fiance / whatever you'd call him is in that space.  You are technically already married, he doesn't need to "win" you over,  and when you live together as husband and wife you may be expected to assume traditional roles which have nothing to do with romance.  Things like food preparation, housekeeping, and I assume you also work.

[Jaunty]

29 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I didn't mean I don't have time to chat about it with him. What I mean is, I think it is useless. I am getting tired of talking about the same thing again and again. 

This is in large part because you believe that "talking" about something is going to lead to you getting your way.  This is not the way it works.   So you've said your piece and you're right - talking about it again and again is not going to get you closer to what you want.   You've expressed that.  It's up to him what to do about it.

What kind of role has his own mother played in his family life?  What kind of relationship did / does she have with his father?  It's pretty likely that he is expecting something similar with you.

[Loka56]

23 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

it is, perhaps your husband / fiance / whatever you'd call him is in that space.  You are technically already married, he doesn't need to "win" you over,  and when you live together as husband and wife you may be expected to assume traditional roles which have nothing to do with romance.  Things like food preparation, housekeeping, and I assume you also work.

You are absolutely right. But unlike all other people of my culture, he did put efforts in winning my heart. 

People in my culture rarely pursue a girl like he did. 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

You are absolutely right. But unlike all other people of my culture, he did put efforts in winning my heart. 

People in my culture rarely pursue a girl like he did. 

Are you marrying an individual or a group -a culture? The comparison makes no sense - obviously you two have similar backgrounds but a marriage is a highly individual and personal commitment.  Why did he have  to win your heart? Did you feel you had to "win" him over/win his heart? He pursued you - but is he acting like he wants your to be happy - now that he "won??"

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Loka56 said:

You are absolutely right. But unlike all other people of my culture, he did put efforts in winning my heart. 

People in my culture rarely pursue a girl like he did. 

I'm sure you enjoyed that, but now you're in the bag.  His courtship was successful.  He does not need to keep doing it.  Obviously - as you haven't spoken for almost a month.  

But now  ... do you think that the is enough between you to build a life as a team?

In one of your earlier posts you said that once you are living together you will no longer work.  Is this correct?  You will be basically focussed on housekeeping responsibilities and parenting when you have children?   Is this what you 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Are you marrying an individual or a group -a culture? The comparison makes no sense - obviously you two have similar backgrounds but a marriage is a highly individual and personal commitment.  Why did he have  to win your heart? Did you feel you had to "win" him over/win his heart? He pursued you - but is he acting like he wants your to be happy - now that he "won??"

I believe that the majority of marriages in her culture are arranged and the couple don't have a great deal of interaction beforehand.   It's not very romantic.   

It seems as if these two did have romantic courtship.  Now that they are de facto married (nikah), it's fait accompli.   The courtship has served its purpose and the bond is sealed.  Time for them both to start fulfilling their marital roles, which don't have much if anything to do with romance, at least from the husband's perspective.  

That's how I am reading the situation.  Correct me if I am wrong, OP.  

@Loka56 - I don't have any advice for you except for this:  Pushing him, making demands and blowing up is not going to get you what you want.   So you might stop doing it and just get busy with the wedding plans.  Perhaps once you are living together and having a sex life, you will find some common ground where you both might feel good. 

 Or, alternatively, start the divorce proceedings.

 

[Loka56]

17 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Obviously - as you haven't spoken for almost a month.  

We have been speaking. I didn't say we aren't speaking. 

Just an update. As my last resort, I called him yesterday, after greetings and so other stuff, I asked "did I do something wrong? I have never saw you this distant". 

He said "I admit I am distant and you must be feeling that I am not prioritizing you. But there's something you (I) did which is bothersome and I wanted to talk about it face to face, which is possible after the ceremony" 

I was like, thank god there's something i can do. 

And we talked it out. The thing he was not okay with, happened 3 weeks ago. 

Everything is cool now. I listened to everything he has to say, apologized, said that I will make sure I won't repeat it. And boom, we are cool. 🙂 thank you everyone. I didn't want to start an argument. 

Our conversation on call was so smooth. 

Thanks guys, @Jaunty @Wiseman2. And everyone else. 

[Loka56]

I also said 'if I do something wrong, you are the one who can point it out and help me understand what you don't like'

A side note, this is the first time he avoided such type of conversation just because it is easy to talk face 2 face instead on a phone call or text. 

[Loka56]

17 hours ago, Jaunty said:

sealed.  Time for them both to start fulfilling their marital roles, which don't have much if anything to do with romance, at least from the husband's perspective

Well, if I talk about my culture, then you are right about husbands not being romantic. However, our religion provide a standard of a good husband, which also includes romance and so many more things. But as most of the literature has gotten adulterated in our native language, most of the population with general levels of education thinks that courtship and winning a girl's (wife in case of muslims) heart and love is not of importance and only a part of western culture. 

This has a lot to do with our country. Not all are the same. 

Which is totally wrong. If they learn more, they will find details of how these things should be. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Well, if I talk about my culture, then you are right about husbands not being romantic. However, our religion provide a standard of a good husband, which also includes romance and so many more things. But as most of the literature has gotten adulterated in our native language, most of the population with general levels of education thinks that courtship and winning a girl's (wife in case of muslims) heart and love is not of importance and only a part of western culture. 

This has a lot to do with our country. Not all are the same. 

Which is totally wrong. If they learn more, they will find details of how these things should be. 

Yes and in your individual situation it sounds like you are not a good match with him - whatever the religion or culture or whether there are now adulteration issues with the literature.  It sounds like you are using party planning as an excuse to face the basic facts that you are not happy with the way you are treated in this individual relationship.  Sure -maybe your overall religion and culture provides standards that make sense to you. Those can be helpful as a guide. Helpful, but not the answer. 

For example if your culture said that the standard for an entree at your wedding meal was that the meat be cooked rare but you prefer well done and feel ill when you see a piece of meat with pink or red in it would you consume rare meat at your wedding to fit within the culture even if it meant feeling sick to your stomach?? 

[Loka56]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and in your individual situation it sounds like you are not a good match with him - whatever the religion or culture or whether there are now adulteration issues with the literature.  It sounds like you are using party planning as an excuse to face the basic facts that you are not happy with the way you are treated in this individual relationship.  Sure -maybe your overall religion and culture provides standards that make sense to you. Those can be helpful as a guide. Helpful, but not the answer. 

For example if your culture said that the standard for an entree at your wedding meal was that the meat be cooked rare but you prefer well done and feel ill when you see a piece of meat with pink or red in it would you consume rare meat at your wedding to fit within the culture even if it meant feeling sick to your stomach?? 

Wow, so you are saying this one single thing can define if we are compatible or not? This is not okay. 

My comment about the culture and religion doesn't have anything to do with my situation as he actually was distant and had a valid reason to do so. Otherwise, we are happy. We were happy. 

I can sound naive or immature about this entire thing because I did not get to see how a couple with a healthy relationship should be. However, I read books to educate myself and consult with people before I do anything. 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Wow, so you are saying this one single thing can define if we are compatible or not? This is not okay. 

My comment about the culture and religion doesn't have anything to do with my situation as he actually was distant and had a valid reason to do so. Otherwise, we are happy. We were happy. 

I can sound naive or immature about this entire thing because I did not get to see how a couple with a healthy relationship should be. However, I read books to educate myself and consult with people before I do anything. 

No I am not -how in the world did you read what I wrote in that way? That is "not okay".  

You don't need to see what a healthful relationship is if you in your lifetime have had friends, colleagues, relatives you are close to - a romantic relationship isn't that different that you would need to educate yourself other than for fine tuning. Yes if you were an orphan and heaven forbid abused and hidden away and/or suffered from a severe mental illness for which you were finally getting treated -yes for extreme situations.  

If you are happy then why the title of this post? If you "were" happy and something changed that is a dealbreaker then address that?

I'm not trying to be right.  You're trying to argue to justify staying put.  

Good luck with the party planning and I'm so glad you've realized you're happy with your partner and this post apparently was simply a blip in the happiness radar.  

[Loka56]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

16 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Wow, so you are saying this one single thing can define if we are compatible or not? This is not okay. 

My comment about the culture and religion doesn't have anything to do with my situation as he actually was distant and had a valid reason to do so. Otherwise, we are happy. We were happy. 

I can sound naive or immature about this entire thing because I did not get to see how a couple with a healthy relationship should be. However, I read books to educate myself and consult with people before I do anything. 

Expand  

No I am not -how in the world did you read what I wrote in that way? That is "not okay

I am sorry. I didn't intend to be offensive. 

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I am sorry. I didn't intend to be offensive. 

You weren’t ! I’m concerned you’re rationalizing and settling but now that you tell me you’re so happy and you are in the midst of wedding party planning it sounds like you’ve resolved all your doubts!  Enjoy !!

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

We have been speaking. I didn't say we aren't speaking. 

YESTERDAY you posted this:   

Quote

 

The last time we talked, somewhere around Nov-9, he thought that I was picking a fight

 

It's hard to help you if you don't stick to the same story.

 

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

. 

And we talked it out. The thing he was not okay with, happened 3 weeks ago. 

What was it?  

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

s hard to help you if you don't stick to the same story

Apologies. I forget to mention 'it' 

The last time we talked about it - by 'it' I mean the details of my feelings. The very thing this thread is about. 

[Jaunty]

Are you ready to stop talking about the details of your feelings?  It's not a negative to share your feelings with your loved one, but once you've done it, consider it done.  

If you've asked him in a reasonable way - not the blasting, attacking, furious tantrums you've described - he has the information you wanted him to have.  Now it's up to him to give you what you want (if he is capable) or not, if he does not feel like it.  

It will be up to YOU whether you accept what he is offering or not.  But you are not going to get what you want (more romantic attention) by torture.  

You going at him persistently is very much bullying and nagging and very much NOT going to inspire romantic feelings in anyone.  

I understand you are Muslim.  If you chose to not go forward with the ceremony and divorce, would this be a huge negative deal for you in your religious and social communities?  

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Loka56 said:

 But there's something you (I) did which is bothersome and I wanted to talk about it face to face, which is possible after the ceremony" . Everything is cool now. I listened to everything he has to say, apologized, said that I will make sure I won't repeat it. 

It's good you finally talked about it and have a better understanding of what the misunderstanding is. Hopefully when you are living as husband and wife and the stress of the wedding is behind you you can enjoy better communication, affection and quality time.