Not getting my requests answered by the other half

[Loka56]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you're married why don't you live together?

We will start living together after the wedding ceremony, which is in next month. 

[Loka56]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You’re welcome. If you decide to pull back from trying to influence your husband or from compensating for his inaction, allow for a period of discomfort as you both adjust to this shift.

Consider it a time to invest in exploring your own potential for expanding and deepening your own interests, especially to the degree that you thrive in your own autonomy. But more so, remove your focus from measuring the responses of your husband, because it will take time for him to adjust his perceptions of viewing you through a new lens, and one that is no longer of obligation. It will take time for him to recognize that he is no longer being pressured, and so he no longer needs to justify any of the time he has carved out as ‘his’ time.

So his defenses go down even while your autonomy increases. It will take time to learn what he does with that, but first he needs to let go of his current perceptions of pressure and measurement.

A couple of months ago, I was hectically busy with increased responsibilities at my job and was having a bit emotionally challenging time with my mom and sisters. 

Things were so tough that I barely used to manage 8 hours of sleep at night. I was sleeping for 2-3 hours for 10 days straight. 

At that time, he complained that on his expressions of love I am making him feel unwanted and not trying anything from my end. 

So, what I am frustrated and angry at right now, is, am I the only one who is supposed to care for him? 

If I put a pause on our routine rituals, the same thing will happen. And I am just so angry, frustrated, and feeling so low about this. 

[Capricorn3]

OP, after reading your thread several times, I am struggling to see how this is going to be a long and happy, successful marriage.  All of this anger and frustration and feeling so low and miserable before you are even living together?  Don't think that when you live together that everything will magically disappear and he'll turn into some amazing attentive partner etc.  It won't.  If anything, it will only get worse. The writing's already on the wall and you haven't even had your wedding ceremony yet?

I know this will be a really dumb question, but:  WHY are you even marrying this man when there are so many issues already?  Is this an arranged marriage where you have to follow through? (Trying to understand).

Maybe time to rethink this relationship.

 

[Loka56]

6 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I know this will be a really dumb question, but:  WHY are you even marrying this man when there are so many issues already?  Is this an arranged marriage where you have to follow through? (Trying to understand).

Maybe time to rethink this relationship.

Is this really? Like, I have given him a tough time too. That's now how things work, to me at least, to live with someone until they are happy and leave once they are busy with something else.

I think it's just a part, like a rough patch that we need to talk about and get things sorted. Instead of just calling it off. That sounds so stupid and lame to me. 

I will be really very hurt when I get busy at work and have stressful days, and instead of talking things out with me, he decide to end the relationship.  

 

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Is this really? Like, I have given him a tough time too. That's now how things work, to me at least, to live with someone until they are happy and leave once they are busy with something else.

I think it's just a part, like a rough patch that we need to talk about and get things sorted. Instead of just calling it off. That sounds so stupid and lame to me. 

I will be really very hurt when I get busy at work and have stressful days, and instead of talking things out with me, he decide to end the relationship. 

I have to admit, I just cannot relate at all.  I have been married longer than you have been alive and I can't for the life of me imagine being this angry, frustrated, miserable and upset and feeling so low, before we had our wedding ceremony and/or living together.  My brain can't comprehend this, but I am old school.

I wish you well.

[Loka56]

Well, you have a point.

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I have to admit, I just cannot relate at all.  I have been married longer than you have been alive and I can't for the life of me imagine being this angry, frustrated, miserable and upset and feeling so low, before we had our wedding ceremony and/or living together.  My brain can't comprehend this, but I am old school.

I wish you well.

Now everything looks so bleak to me too. 

[LINDA]

coming from a friend story i will never date someone divorced with kids .. why ?

she was happy with her life and after she got married to her man who was same as yours she ends up facing his problems cuz his job failed and things goes messed up 

you have to think twice and deep about your next step .. also your mom not allowing you is a big red flag 

i have same religion and culture as your and we both know when mothers feel something wrong ,we def need to be carefull 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Loka56 said:

I know this is a bit disturbing for me, but this is not something to get a divorce for. 

No, you are not expressing yourself as "a bit disturbed."  You are describing a completely dysfunctional situation and you appear to be going off the rails about what's happening and not happening.

Read back what you've written.   

Since you began  sharing about this relationship, it has appeared that "reality" has not been a big feature.  For example, what does this even mean:

Quote

When things were new, and we both were adjusting to each other's triggers, he used to hold onto the mental-level conversations. 

I think that English may not be your first language, so maybe it's lost in translation.  But ??? 

 

[Loka56]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I think that English may not be your first language, so maybe it's lost in translation.  But ??? 

 

You seem right. Honestly, the most recent comments sound too serious for such a quarrel. I was feeling like, 'Am I the only one on this planet who is trying different ways to have her husband's attention' 

 

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

No, you are not expressing yourself as "a bit disturbed."  You are describing a completely dysfunctional situation and you appear to be going off the rails about what's happening and not happening.

Honestly, it is not big enough to end the relationship. Not at all. It was something bothering me, I was constantly angry at him, and he shut me up (possible reason, I am not communicating well), and I am just angry about that and wanted to have some insights into how to have what I want, or how to keep myself busy. That's it. 

 

[Jaunty]

According to you posting history, your father was abusive to a criminal extent.   So this is what you have experienced as a marital relationship.  I'm not suggesting that your husband is abusive in any way.  What I am suggesting is that you don't know what a healthy relationship would look like.

I don't understand your scenarios well but it sounds like he's shutting you out and you are going ballistic on him with your "BURSTING" and however you are expressing your constant anger towards him.  So he's "shutting you up."  

This might be much more about your behavior and unrealistic "magical" expectations than what he is doing.  

Just so you know, zero healthy relationships include this dynamic.  And the fact that it's all the two of you are doing anymore bodes very ill for a happy union.   

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Am I the only one on this planet who is trying different ways to have her husband's attention' 

No but the way you say you are going about it strikes me as odd/annoying/game playing. And you seem to think women have to work hard to get a husband's attention? Where is that from?

[boltnrun]

The time when I had to "work hard" to get my husband's attention was the couple of years before we divorced. Before that, he happily gave me tons of attention.

[Andrina]

On 11/7/2023 at 9:51 AM, Loka56 said:

Okay, I understand, things are going to be a bit comfy between us, he no longer has to make as much effort as he used to, but still, I am his wife, and he should at least contribute to maintain the connection we have. 

It's been around 2 months of feeling this way, like a neglected kid. 

Well, of course the extreme highs at the beginning of a relationship will lessen, but daily effort is still made within a healthy relationship. If you don't feel like a priority, then you're not. A partner you've been with more than 2 years, and whom you're legally married to, not wanting to physically see you more than once a week? Yes, that's definitely a really bad sign. Your relationship is regressing versus progressing into the deeper levels of a serious relationship.

I'd certainly delay the ceremony, because you are very naive to just go through with what is probably an expensive affair with people giving you gifts, while expecting his behavior is guaranteed to improve once you move in together. You believe with communication and time, love will find the way. Well, why not wait and see if that actually happens before going through a ceremony when presently you're both not in a mindset where you'll thoroughly enjoy the day.

He already knows you want more time together since you told him so. So now sit back and see if he cares enough about pleasing you to make that happen. If he doesn't, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough when you've made a reasonable request, plus his time is top heavy on other things that don't involve you--not a healthy balance. There's a reason the saying exists by Karen Mari Moning: Your feet will bring you to where your heart is. 

When you have to constantly nag a partner, he's not the right partner for you. Women often hang in there when they enjoyed the beginning and hope for it to return to that magical time. But when there is zero magic in the present, people are just settling. Getting an annulment would be upsetting, but it'd also give you the opportunity to one day find a man who actually gives you the attention you deserve.

[Jaunty]

I can't tell whether you have cause for concern over his attentiveness to you, or if you are just over the top with manipulative game playing and "furious" outbursts in your efforts to get more attention.   

To be honest, you sound extremely immature and high maintenance.  And let me caution you:  Being super dramatic, overbearing, having tantrums, reacting to "triggers," etc. are ONLY ways to drive someone away from you.  Not bring them closer.

A lot of the stuff you've posted about this relationship seems very steeped in fantastic notions about sort of fairytale romance, but I have no real concept of your culture and what is exactly really going on.  I understand this is not an arranged marriage but maybe it's "normal" for people to not have much to do with each other before they move into the same home together?   If that's the case then neither you nor he will have a clue about how to interact.

In any case, he did say this:

Quote

I flatly asked, 'Are you getting distant' to which he replied, 'Woah? where is this coming from? I think we are so in love these days and we have never been this way before'

So it sounds like he does care about you.  

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Loka56 said:

 I am just angry about that and wanted to have some insights into how to have what I want, or how to keep myself busy. 

Is there a lot of stress surrounding the upcoming official marriage ceremony? 

For now focus on your work, interests, mental and physical health, family and other preparation for your wedding.

Please consider premarital counseling (or whatever the equivalent is in your religion/culture). It seems like you two could use some help communicating and dealing with stress. 

 

[Loka56]

On 11/9/2023 at 3:54 AM, Wiseman2 said:

For now focus on your work, interests, mental and physical health, family and other preparation for your wedding.

Hey, I am doing just that, but every now and then it feel so bad. I know he has a busy life and schedule. What do I do about these feelings of mine? 

 

Talking to him isn't working. Since wedding is close, we can't even meet and discuss as he and I have other plans with family members. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Hey, I am doing just that, but every now and then it feel so bad. I know he has a busy life and schedule. What do I do about these feelings of mine? 

 

Talking to him isn't working. Since wedding is close, we can't even meet and discuss as he and I have other plans with family members. 

Prioritize the marriage over the wedding reception - even if you postpone the reception.  Interesting choice of words -are you sure you're talking "with" him or as you put "to him"?  When you discuss your party planning and preparations with family members and vendors etc do you talk "with" or to them - when you need things done a certain way how is your tone? Do you discuss similarly with your partner?

[Jaunty]

It appears that you only have two choices:  Accept this man and that the way he's relating to you is the way your married life will be, or dissolve your marriage and hope to find someone you are compatible with.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Loka56 said:

. Since wedding is close, we can't even meet and discuss as he and I have other plans with family members. 

In your culture, do both families plan the wedding? Or does the couple? Or mostly the bride's family?  Do you think things will improve after the wedding when you are living together? 

[Loka56]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When you discuss your party planning and preparations with family members and vendors etc do you talk "with" or to them

When I am discussing party planning and preparations, I talk to my family and vendors. 

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you discuss similarly with your partner?

Nope. Not at all. I talk 'with' him, and he talks 'with' me. 

The last time we talked, somewhere around Nov-9, he thought that I was picking a fight. However, after a few hours, he came and picked me up, apologized, explained why he can't talk at night (because he struggles with falling asleep), and said that he would make sure that I wouldn't be feeling this way again. 

But this cycle started again a couple of days later. I didn't complain or mention my feelings and was just silent. He noticed my silence and apologized again. 

Now, I just don't want to feel this way. I want to be okay and enjoy the last few days at my mom's instead of mourning over these feelings of abandonment and loneliness in my heart. 

 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It appears that you only have two choices:  Accept this man and that the way he's relating to you is the way your married life will be, or dissolve your marriage and hope to find someone you are compatible with. 

You are right here. I would like to accept this. 

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

In your culture, do both families plan the wedding? Or does the couple? Or mostly the bride's family?  Do you think things will improve after the wedding when you are living together? 

Both families make preparations on their parts. As a couple, we just agreed on what should be done and what shouldn't. 

I don't think that things will improve after getting married. We both have weekends to spend with each other, and he renewed his teaching gig at an institute and will be busy on Saturdays most of the time. For Sundays, he will be available till the afternoon, then we will have to pick kids and go for some activities with them.  

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

 I want to be okay and enjoy the last few days at my mom's instead of mourning over these feelings of abandonment and loneliness in my heart. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you are not looking forward to being married and living together especially with a busy single father. 

[Loka56]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you are not looking forward to being married and living together especially with a busy single father. 

What do I do? I don't want to do anything stupid 

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

When I am discussing party planning and preparations, I talk to my family and vendors. 

Yes.  Do you talk with or to them? What happens if you want things a certain way? How do you get your requests met? Do you treat your partner with the same manners and respect?

Also you said you don't have time to talk to your partner more because of party planning.  I wrote to focus on marriage planning even if it means not party planning or delaying the party.  What is your priority here??

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Loka56 said:

We both have weekends to spend with each other, and he renewed his teaching gig at an institute and will be busy on Saturdays most of the time. For Sundays, he will be available till the afternoon, then we will have to pick kids and go for some activities with them.  

So you think quantity of time will improve the quality of the communication and your requests that are not getting answered?

[Loka56]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you think quantity of time will improve the quality of the communication and your requests that are not getting answered?

Nope. The quantity of time doesn't matter. Even an active call of a few minutes is enough.