Was cheated on and struggling

[Respectfullylogical]

I’m posting for a friend he was cheated on just shy of 2 years ago and he isn’t doing better mentally. He is still with the girl. He told her she had a year to figure out why she did what she did and now it’s almost 2 years on dec 24 . He doesn’t know what to do . He feels that having an answer to why will be key in moving forward in prevention and closure. She doesn’t seem to be any closer to knaowinf why she cheated

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Respectfullylogical said:

. He told her she had a year to figure out why she did what she did .He feels that having an answer to why will be key in moving forward in prevention and closure. 

How do you know this friend?  Why is he confiding in you about this rather than a therapist, couples counseling ,etc.?

How old is he? How long have they been together? Unfortunately his ideas make no sense. What does he mean by "prevention and closure" and what type of answers is she supposed to come up with for him?

Obviously he hasn't forgiven her or trust her (perhaps rightfully so) and simply wants revenge with this no-win situation he's creating. Try to step away from his personal life and relationship problems. They most likely need professional couples counseling or ending the relationship.  Confiding in you rather than speaking to her directly is quite strange. 

[shouldhavelearned]

He should have left her when it happened. 

Worked on himself and moved on. 

 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Respectfullylogical said:

I’m posting for a friend he was cheated on just shy of 2 years ago and he isn’t doing better mentally. He is still with the girl. He told her she had a year to figure out why she did what she did and now it’s almost 2 years on dec 24 . He doesn’t know what to do . He feels that having an answer to why will be key in moving forward in prevention and closure. She doesn’t seem to be any closer to knaowinf why she cheated

I'm also wondering why this "friend" would share this with you instead of seeking counseling to help him sort through the issue.  He certainly can never trust her again.

As to why she cheated? Like any other cheater, they enjoy the attention. The thrill. The ego boost.  The list goes on and on. Low morals - shows disrespect to the partner, and zero self-respect. Low values, etc.  Perhaps she's the one who needs therapy more than he does.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

He feels that having an answer to why will be key in moving forward in prevention and closure

He is wrong. 

Dumping her is they key to prevention and closure. He is being foolish (with himself) by staying in this relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

I think its irrelevant why. Cheaters often give themselfs all kind of excuses. How their partner didnt pay attention to themselves, how they got drunk and didnt know what they are doing, how they were eating burgers every day and wanted to try pizza etc. But at the end of the day its just their excuse. So they can justify horrible thing they did and not be a bad guy. Almost nobody of them has basic accountability. To admit they actually did a bad thing. But, if they thought they were doing a bad thing, they wouldnt done it in a first place. That is why they need excuses. 

So again, its really irrelevant. She is a cheater. Him taking her back wont stop her cheating. If anything she would think its OK to do it again since she got out easily first time. Even him looking for an answer(and giving her a year to come with one, ***) is way too extreme. She doesnt have a good answer why she cheated. Because again, its all excuses. In 2 years he could have already be healed and found a new woman who wouldnt cheat. But instead he chose to stay with somebody who already betrayed his trust and where things are so bad that even after 2 years he still looks for an answer why.

[Kathryn657xx]

I think there are some very judgemental opinions on here, but opinions are opinions nonetheless.

I'm not sure there is always a "reason why" someone cheats but if he is still searching for this maybe he is fighting a losing battle. There must also be a reason why he decided to stay with this woman - does she have good qualities? Was this just a blip, a mistake? Maybe she is working hard to build back the relationship but can still not understand her own reasons why let alone justify it to someone else. Human beings make mistakes unfortunately. 

I think couples therapy would definitely help in this instant. 

If he continues to confide in you about an event 2 years ago, he is clearly not 'over it' and perhaps needs a budge in the right direction. It isn't as easy to tell him to leave or that he should've left at the time - he didn't and this implies he wants the relationship to work - which it still can given the right advice and direction and willingness from both parties.

[Batya33]

It's only relevant if the reason is also why she knows how and why it won't happen again.  For example if I act rudely to my husband at 5:30am and I realize -bad idea to try to be right near him grabbing something I need as he is there trying to find something -I'm too tired, so is he so give him space -then I know "my trigger is being tired" then I know - ok in that situation I will make sure to be in another room and do something else and that way we have space and I'm unlikely to feel irritable and tempted to be rude. Or - hmm there's this hot guy who works out on Tuesday afternoon at the gym - I'm so tempted to stare (hypothetically!) - and I know he's taken -so if Wednesday is just as easy I'll go on a different day.

Why? Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain -this woman got more pleasure out of hooking up with someone else than the pleasure of being with her partner, loyal to her partner, doing what it took to resist or prevent that level of temptation.  It really might be that simple which means different values - bye bye -unless she says 'I did it because I wanted to at that moment and now in hindsight I realize I hurt you and us so now I'm going to act to resist any temptation of that sort and  resist being in situations which are playing with fire because I get more pleasure out of being with you and loyal to you.  And if I ever do this again I will [fill in what consequence if they can figure that out].

She's not answering because there's nothing deeper and she doesn't care enough to try to make things right.  This sort of long deadline is silly IMO.

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/5/2023 at 7:42 PM, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know this friend?  Why is he confiding in you about this rather than a therapist, couples counseling ,etc.?

How old is he? How long have they been together? Unfortunately his ideas make no sense. What does he mean by "prevention and closure" and what type of answers is she supposed to come up with for him?

Obviously he hasn't forgiven her or trust her (perhaps rightfully so) and simply wants revenge with this no-win situation he's creating. Try to step away from his personal life and relationship problems. They most likely need professional couples counseling or ending the relationship.  Confiding in you rather than speaking to her directly is quite strange. 

Friend is my step brother we have more of a friends relationship instead of a sibling relationship.

He is a guy so that’s problem why he’s talking to me before therapist.

couples counseling is not an option at the moment because she doesn’t think it’s something they need. 
but to clear the confusion they are not married they have been together 10 years tomorrow 

he is 33 yrs old she is 31

and as you see I cannot not just step away it’s my step brother once removed and my friend best friend honestly but how does he want to make her suffer he is the one suffering not able to move past it and just wanting answers I feel is normal however 

starting at number one is his direct replies because I just forwarded  the questions to him and this is his reply text exactly as follows

 

 

 

1.  Prevention involves awareness of potential risks and threats. For relationships, it means recognizing signs that someone may intend seduction or have hidden motives beyond platonic friendship. 

2. Closure can provide understanding to prevent recurrence. Even after ending a relationship, one may still desire insight into what went wrong and how issues arose. Difficult experiences drive people to analyze what happened to avoid repetition. 

3. Identifying the factors leading to the problem is equally important. Only by understanding the cause can one develop solutions and safeguards. Even without immediate escape, knowing how the pit was reached allows avoidance of similar risks going forward. The lessons learned may protect from falling victim again elsewhere. Fully analyzing situations prepares one to handle future challenges through gained awareness and insight

EXAMPLE :

 So imagine this scenario. You're just going about your normal day, walking the same route you always take. Suddenly, you fall into a deep pit! The walls are steep and it's not easy to climb out. 

The first thing you need to do is get your bearings and figure out exactly where you are. To do that it’s best to figure out where you just were before ending up where you are. Now  Knowin that  the next step is figuring out how you ended up in this pit in the first place. Did the ground collapse beneath you?  Did you not see the pit? Pay close attention to any clues that might reveal what happened. 

Figuring out how you got into the pit is really important. Not only could it potentially help you find a way out,
  (going out the way you came in )but it will prevent you from or at least make you more aware of how not to fall into pits like you just did . You don't want to  escape the pit just to wander into another one do you? 

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/5/2023 at 8:06 PM, shouldhavelearned said:

He should have left her when it happened. 

Worked on himself and moved on. 

 

He knows this but he chose to do the harder thing so moving forward with that as the variable he wants to know what he can do

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/5/2023 at 8:16 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I'm also wondering why this "friend" would share this with you instead of seeking counseling to help him sort through the issue.  He certainly can never trust her again.

As to why she cheated? Like any other cheater, they enjoy the attention. The thrill. The ego boost.  The list goes on and on. Low morals - shows disrespect to the partner, and zero self-respect. Low values, etc.  Perhaps she's the one who needs therapy more than he does.

Please refer to the reply to wiseman2

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/6/2023 at 12:03 AM, MissCanuck said:

He is wrong. 

Dumping her is they key to prevention and closure. He is being foolish (with himself) by staying in this relationship. 

Prevention for her doing it to him again yes for sure but not prevention for any future partners and closure is just knowing the answered to why please refer to the reply to wiseman2

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/6/2023 at 5:02 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I think its irrelevant why. Cheaters often give themselfs all kind of excuses. How their partner didnt pay attention to themselves, how they got drunk and didnt know what they are doing, how they were eating burgers every day and wanted to try pizza etc. But at the end of the day its just their excuse. So they can justify horrible thing they did and not be a bad guy. Almost nobody of them has basic accountability. To admit they actually did a bad thing. But, if they thought they were doing a bad thing, they wouldnt done it in a first place. That is why they need excuses. 

So again, its really irrelevant. She is a cheater. Him taking her back wont stop her cheating. If anything she would think its OK to do it again since she got out easily first time. Even him looking for an answer(and giving her a year to come with one, ***) is way too extreme. She doesnt have a good answer why she cheated. Because again, its all excuses. In 2 years he could have already be healed and found a new woman who wouldnt cheat. But instead he chose to stay with somebody who already betrayed his trust and where things are so bad that even after 2 years he still looks for an answer why.

I agree fully its a ego and I’d thing we don’t see ourselves as a bad person .and we only do bad things if we can minimize rationalize or justify a otherwise bad action .we don’t go into it thinking I’m a bad person to do this and then do it . No we make it reasonable where we still see ourselves as a good person when doing a bad thing but also I think he was just hoping for her to really be honest with him and herself even and admitt what it was even once you take away all the ego defenses and what it teuelly was which in my opinion is like very rare to see anyone do

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/6/2023 at 6:02 AM, Kathryn657xx said:

I think there are some very judgemental opinions on here, but opinions are opinions nonetheless.

I'm not sure there is always a "reason why" someone cheats but if he is still searching for this maybe he is fighting a losing battle. There must also be a reason why he decided to stay with this woman - does she have good qualities? Was this just a blip, a mistake? Maybe she is working hard to build back the relationship but can still not understand her own reasons why let alone justify it to someone else. Human beings make mistakes unfortunately. 

I think couples therapy would definitely help in this instant. 

If he continues to confide in you about an event 2 years ago, he is clearly not 'over it' and perhaps needs a budge in the right direction. It isn't as easy to tell him to leave or that he should've left at the time - he didn't and this implies he wants the relationship to work - which it still can given the right advice and direction and willingness from both parties.

Solids advice and judgmental is correct I felt persecuted just for asking like I was being drilled for holes in my story like yes I just wanted help to help him within the reality of the variables I laid out . Clearly it was best if had left but I need help with what he did moving forward not help what he should have done 

but seriously perfect reply .are you a therapist or something?

[lostandhurt]

There is ALWAYS a reason someone cheats. ALWAYS but the cheater often does not want to face that harsh truth so they deflect, gaslight, make excuses or simply try and ignore what they did and hope it goes away but it doesn't.  They are still a cheater that betrayed the person they said they loved.

 Now knowing why she cheated does nothing for your step brother because he didn't cause her to cheat.  She was selfish and thought nothing of him and went out and had sex with some other dude because she wanted to.  It is that simple.  Any mitigating circumstances she wants to use for an excuse do not matter because she is an adult and made a conscious choice with plenty of chances along the way to say stop, I can't do this to my bf.

 I want you to tell your step brother this true story from my past which is the reason I am on this forum.

I caught my wife of 20 years cheating and I mistakenly thought like your brother that if I knew why or knew how it happened it would help.  She very coldly told me all the details with a smirk on her face and yes later even tried to lay blame for her actions at my feet.  I listened and stayed very calm and over a few weeks digested her words.  Guess what?  It did not help one little bit.  She still cheated, she still lied, she still was not remorseful, sure she was sorry she got caught but I could tell she was not remorseful.  In the end all those gory details that took time to leave my thoughts only helped me see who she really was but if I hadn't been so blinded by my love for her I would have seen clearly. 

 Can a relationship recover from cheating?  Yes it can but not your step brothers.  Do you know how I know?  Because if he would have cheated and given a second chance he would have moved heaven and Earth to make it right, figure his stuff out and worked hard to rebuild the trust he ruined.  After 2 years she has done none of that. 

I am sorry but he is wasting his time on a cheater.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 I need help with what he did moving forward not help what he should have done 

Do they have children?  Do they live together? How did he find out about the affair? How long was the affair? 

How is their relationship overall? That would be the best place for him to start trying to unravel what happened. 

Obviously he doesn't want to get hurt again but building trust after cheating is very difficult.

There aren't "holes" in your story, it's just that there is not enough accurate information about what went wrong in their relationship, what the cheating was about and what he (and they) are trying to do to rebuild trust. 

So according to what you wrote, he is just sitting around for 2 years waiting for the gory details of the cheating to supposedly get "closure" and it's completely unclear what he (or they) are doing to "prevent" future infidelity or improve their relationship. 

[smackie9]

I'm gonna go against the grain here...people cheat for varied reasons...some selfish, some not, some due to mental health issues, some do it as an escape, that dopamine high, attention, loneliness in the relationship, etc. She should have walked, like he should have. He's now being the A-hole because he holds this over her head as a form of punishment. I'm sure he keeps bringing it up in those opportune moments when he's mad at her or depressed. I highly doubt he would ever accept any explanation. he's too far gone. At this point it's about a butt hurt ego. He needs to end his own torture to himself and hers.

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/13/2023 at 2:57 PM, smackie9 said:

I'm gonna go against the grain here...people cheat for varied reasons...some selfish, some not, some due to mental health issues, some do it as an escape, that dopamine high, attention, loneliness in the relationship, etc. She should have walked, like he should have. He's now being the A-hole because he holds this over her head as a form of punishment. I'm sure he keeps bringing it up in those opportune moments when he's mad at her or depressed. I highly doubt he would ever accept any explanation. he's too far gone. At this point it's about a butt hurt ego. He needs to end his own torture to himself and hers.

He keeps believing her words instead of listing of to what her actions say. He is being naive. He didn’t grasp  that concept he goes to why if someone don’t want to be with you or don’t care etc would they say they do and argue as if they do but act opposite of what they say 

[smackie9]

12 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

He keeps believing her words instead of listing of to what her actions say. He is being naive. He didn’t grasp  that concept he goes to why if someone don’t want to be with you or don’t care etc would they say they do and argue as if they do but act opposite of what they say 

If he keeps believing her words, why is he still trying to get the truth from her?

[HeartGoesOn]

58 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If he keeps believing her words, why is he still trying to get the truth from her?

Spot on!   This simply does not add up.

[lostandhurt]

On 11/11/2023 at 1:39 PM, Respectfullylogical said:

couples counseling is not an option at the moment because she doesn’t think it’s something they need. 

Here is his answer right here in her own words.  If she was remorseful and wanted to make the relationship stronger to get past this she would jump at the chance to have a third party expert help.  Instead she refuses to go.  If ever a couple ever needed counseling it is after cheating.  He clearly needs it so if she really loved him she would go for nothing else but to be supportive and caring of what he is going through.

 Instead she is being the typical cheater which is selfish and uncaring.

 This is his choice to stay or go but he will never get what he wants from her as she is not capable of it.  It's like squeezing a potato and expecting orange juice to come put, it just isn't going to happen.

Lost

[smackie9]

It's 2 years with no reoccurrence of infidelity so he either forgives her, or ends it. 

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/15/2023 at 1:12 PM, smackie9 said:

It's 2 years with no reoccurrence of infidelity so he either forgives her, or ends it. 

There was a one . 8 months later with same guy 3 days before his birthday. But it hasn’t happened since then.

1st time cheated  12/24/21

When he found out 12/27/21

 

2nd time 07/31/22

when he found out 08/03/22

birthday is aug 3

as far as he knows there has not been another act of unfaithfulness since

 

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/15/2023 at 11:16 AM, HeartGoesOn said:

Spot on!   This simply does not add up.

Think it’s the blindly ignoring the action that shows it and believe the words that say it. Most likely it’s that the one makes more sense but the other hurts less to accept 

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

There was a one . 8 months later with same guy 3 days before his birthday. But it hasn’t happened since then.

1st time cheated  12/24/21

When he found out 12/27/21

 

2nd time 07/31/22

when he found out 08/03/22

birthday is aug 3

as far as he knows there has not been another act of unfaithfulness since

 

What does he need to dump her cheating butt to the curb?  Her getting pregnant from this other guy???  Or maybe he will raise the child for her and her bf.

 Nice birthday present coming home with some other dudes sweat and other stuff on her.  Maybe she was hoping to give him an STD for his birthday.  There is no defending this selfish and hurtful behavior.

 He is better off alone than with her.

Lost