really devastated after new discovery 4 months out

[roamingconfused]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He is leading a duplicitous life. He is not going to treat anyone else any better because this is who he is. He may be a good actor but he's a little loony for pursuing an online distance thing behind your back and actually making it happen. This person doesn't know him and that's what he likes about the situation. 

He and the girl have been friends for some time as he used to live in her city (unsure if there was anything more than that, but likely some sort of chemistry). And they also have a number of mutual friends. So she knows him…and has longer than I have.

For some reason it hurts more that he sought out someone he’s known for years. And makes me think quite lowly of the girl herself…

 

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, roamingconfused said:

For some reason it hurts more that he sought out someone he’s known for years. And makes me think quite lowly of the girl herself…

The whole situation is painful and ugly, I'm very sorry you're going through it.   Try not to get sidetracked thinking about how he might act better with the new girl, how she might be trashy, etc. 

There is only one thing that is important:  You need to go through the hurt and start healing. 

The guy has proven himself to be a douchebag and nobody could argue that.  So ultimately you are truly better off without him.  Believe me, I realize those are empty words to you today.  But it's true - that man is NOT somebody that a healthy woman wants to be in a relationship with.  He's not trustworthy.   

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

. So she knows him…and has longer than I have.For some reason it hurts more that he sought out someone he’s known for years. And makes me think quite lowly of the girl herself…

Apologies. He still seems duplicitous and you dodged a bullet. It's doubtful he'll treat her better either way. 

[roamingconfused]

I keep thinking back to all the fond memories we shared, all the times he was indeed a caring doting partner, and I'm not sure how to process them.

Do I tell myself those memories were "fake" and "tainted" since I never knew who this person is?

Or were they genuinely good times, but he at the core a good person who is terribly misguided and ended up hurting me in the process?

It's probably easier/faster to get over him if I adopt the first line of thinking, but I can't help but see the good in people... I still have a hard time believing his actions at the end.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

I keep thinking back to all the fond memories we shared, all the times he was indeed a caring doting partner, and I'm not sure how to process them.

Do I tell myself those memories were "fake" and "tainted" since I never knew who this person is?

Or were they genuinely good times, but he at the core a good person who is terribly misguided and ended up hurting me in the process?

It's probably easier/faster to get over him if I adopt the first line of thinking, but I can't help but see the good in people... I still have a hard time believing his actions at the end.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

You can see good in people without being pollyannish. And really unproductive to analyze whether when he treated you appropriately it was fake. Who knows ? You won’t know which is frustrating but true. One of my exes got married the same year I did - we both married men. He told me about his sexual orientation ten years after he proposed to me and I declined and we broke up after 3 years on and off. Do I believe he was faithful to me? Yes. Do I believe he was confused about his sexual orientation? Yes it explains a lot of his coldness at times. Did I analyze whether he was actually attracted to me ? He was my first. No I didn’t.  I believe he was. I was there. We had awesome chemistry and if I’d married him he’d have led a double life as he told me 10 years later - he was in hindsight glad I said no and that we broke up.

No point in my analyzing whether it was all a lie or whether to believe that he truly was confused and not using me to seem “normal” - this was many years ago. I moved on.
Please don’t waste precious free time ruminating in this way about someone you can’t get real answers from. 

[boltnrun]

I have a very, very toxic ex. But we did have some fun times together. I do see the times he was affectionate as false but that doesn't negate the fun times we had. For example, one time we stopped on the way home from an event he had participated in (he was a semi-pro athlete) at the edge of an ocean cliff. It was around midnight and the waves were crashing. I had had a few drinks and I kept asking him and his team members to boost me over the sea wall so I could go in the water. Of course they wouldn't! But it was a fun night. And I still smile when I think of that night.

Just think of those times from YOUR POV rather than trying to decipher his. He doesn't own your memories just like he doesn't own certain songs, films, restaurants, etc. 

[Jaunty]

53 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

I keep thinking back to all the fond memories we shared, all the times he was indeed a caring doting partner, and I'm not sure how to process them.

Do I tell myself those memories were "fake" and "tainted" since I never knew who this person is?

Or were they genuinely good times, but he at the core a good person who is terribly misguided and ended up hurting me in the process?

It's probably easier/faster to get over him if I adopt the first line of thinking, but I can't help but see the good in people... I still have a hard time believing his actions at the end.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Stop ruminating about the good times and fond memories.  Yes they are part of your life story and they are going to come up for you, but you seem to be choosing to immerse yourself in all of this type of thinking.

After you heal some maybe you will choose to go to therapy if you need to sort through any of this.  Currently, there is no point in you basically wallowing in thoughts about whether he's a good person or a bad person deep inside.   His behavior is what counts.