he broke up with me…but still wants to remain business partners

[roamingconfused]

My ex bf of 2 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We are both in our late 20s. We had what I perceived as a minor disagreement, but he was angry out of proportion to what happened, took space for 5 days and when he was finally ready to talk he broke it off, quite harshly.

 

Relationship context: 

He has a tendency to overthink things and not be able to communicate his concerns, leading to doubt and resentment towards the relationship on his part. Kind of moody and broods a lot. Needs a lot of space after disagreements, no matter how big or small. Objectively, we don’t fight that much, like maybe once every 2-3 months, and it’s usually about a minor misunderstanding, but any conflict whatsoever seems to greatly disturb him. I don’t want to label him as dismissive avoidant but I do see some tendencies in him. Obviously he has other great characteristics that I fell in love with. Previously at the one year mark he had come seriously close to breaking up with me due to some doubts on his end (he felt that couples shouldn’t argue at all during their first year together), but we stayed together and the relationship became even stronger over the last year. He had told me that he was the happiest he’s ever been and so glad we stayed together. Supposedly. Recently we had been making concrete plans for our future together. 

 

Breakup:

During the break up convo he was pretty heated and he said some hurtful things about me. Like how he doesn’t enjoy my company anymore and that I make him feel miserable. He said the recent argument triggered all these suppressed negative feelings he has towards me. I didn’t get a chance to say much, I let him know I still loved him (and he said loves me too still) and I wanted to stay together but I had no choice but to accept his decision. In terms of the hurtful remarks…I am still processing them. I think they came from a place of him lashing out at me to justify his wanting to break up. Would be hard to accept that that’s how he truly feels about me. There was no indication prior to this for the last year that he was unhappy.

 

Post breakup:

Where things get complicated is that we have a joint business venture/side hustle together. On the day of the breakup, this was brought up and he said he still wants to see it through, even though I told him I am fine dropping it or finding a new business partner so we can go our separate ways.

 

A week later we met to exchange some items (I initiated) and he was tearful and seemed guilty/remorseful/embarrassed. I kept things light and positive, I didn’t get emotional, and I didn’t delve back into the breakup. He did mention that the breakup event was all a blur to him and he needs more time to process. I didn’t engage further with that statement. We ended up discussing/working on our project for a few hours. We talked casually and parted on good terms. He left for a brief trip the next day. 

After he came back from his trip I texted him asking how it went (blah, I know, I just couldn’t help but reach out) and we had a good (text) convo catching up, until he abruptly stopped responding. During that convo we agreed to meet up next week to work on our business plan. Unclear if this meetup will happen as he went silent over text. I have not reengaged.

 

I am seeking advice on how to navigate this situation. I still care a lot for him and wish we could return to how things were. I do feel blindsided by the breakup because I thought we were doing well. Even if the opportunity to get back together arose, I don’t think I would accept immediately unless we both change for the better. Also the negative comments he made towards me during the breakup have not been resolved - it would take a lot for me to forgive that. Yet I still deeply love and miss him and hold onto hope maybe we’ll find ourselves back to each other down the line.

I understand the general consensus is to go no contact, but working on the business together only complicates things. It also seems like he is conflicted about his decision and not definitively set on cutting me out of his life. Seeking any general advice or wisdom for this convoluted situation. 

[LootieTootie]

2 years together and every 2-3 months he stonewalls you after lashing out. On top of that he is moody and broods a lot. 

This is not a healthy relationship and not a relationship anyone deserve or should want.

The things you love about him are the things that are blinding you to him - his full personality. Which is someone who is mentally and emotionally unstable and when he is unstable, he looks to blame. Unfortunately you are his easy target because one minor thing from you, can set him off. He doesn't communicate because if he did, he would just say a whole lot of things that would make no rhyme or reason to be all riled up about and no sense why he would even say it. Someone like this have problems you cannot solve. It is HIS problem.

I would not get back with him and when he reaches out, I would request that one of us sell our part of the business to be out. Talk to an attorney if you must. You should have no more ties with this man in order to make a full recovery asap from this unhealthy relationship. You're still young.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, roamingconfused said:

 It also seems like he is conflicted about his decision and not definitively set on cutting me out of his life. 

Sorry this happened. What were the arguments about? Is it possible there's someone else?

Please be careful about staying business partners/friends. Don't allow yourself to be demoted to FWB or get strung along.

Step back as much as possible to reflect in peace. Even if you still feel attached and hurting, reconsider whether someone who tosses you away like trash is someone you want in your life in any capacity. 

[Cherylyn]

I've noticed that with a lot of people,  friends and money don't mix including couples and in your case, your relationship is dicey as it is with your ex and was.

Sure,  there are stories of successful family businesses and collaborative efforts but it requires an awful lot of maturity and emotional intelligence to arrive at this point. 

Keep your ex as your ex and move on with your life ~ without him.  It will be safer for you financially and you'll give yourself peace of mind.  Don't take miscalculated risks. 

[roamingconfused]

I'm fairly certain no one else is in the picture.

A good number of arguments were miscommunications/misunderstandings over text message that could have been easily resolved had we immediately spoken to each other on the phone or in person. But I always had to wait anywhere from 24 hours to one week for him to cool off before we could hash it out, while I was always ready whenever to move on past it. That being said, I completely admit that I am not perfect either, and in the beginning I had a tendency to get annoyed easily (when I get annoyed, it lasts for like a few seconds, then I'm immediately over it). This greatly improved after the first few months.

The week leading up to the argument that catapulted into the breakup, I was quite stressed about about a huge work related exam that was approaching. The day before my exam, I went out of my way to do a favor for him and was met with annoyance rather than gratitude. I texted him that I felt unappreciated, that was all, and that subsequently led to the blow up and the break up.

In terms of the business venture, it's not something that we have to put any money into upfront, we are developing a digital app together. Pretty low risk. I feel that he is clinging on it potentially to have a lifeline to me in the early stages of the break up.

[Batya33]

How is it that you can work together on an app given the very poor communication? What if he gets annoyed and gives you the silent  treatment on a work related matter?

[shouldhavelearned]

Any business plan should be worked up with an attorney or just dissolve it now.

[roamingconfused]

Thanks for the input. I can easily dissolve the business venture. That's easy to let go.

The relationship, not so much. I still miss him a lot and am having trouble reconciling how he treated me at the end.

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

I do feel blindsided by the breakup because I thought we were doing well.

It's a really safe bet that even if you got back together, he would repeat the pattern of blindsiding you yet again with another breakup. 

As you thought things were going well, and there shouldn't be any dealbreakers for him such as you cheating, etc., then he's fallen out of love, or just a really messed up person who can't handle the average, minimal stress of a romantic relationship.

I think when you get some time and distance away from him, that you will probably wonder why it wasn't you who did the breaking up, and a lot sooner. I know that happened to me when I wasn't with the right man.

I definitely suggest severing all ties with him, including business. Think about when you're ready to date again and having to explain how you work closely with an ex, and if asked, if you were truthful, you'd divulge how you didn't want things to end and the ex did the breaking up. This makes you a high risk dating partner. Best to get closure now and be totally free of someone who has chosen his own freedom. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

I can easily dissolve the business venture. That's easy to let go

Then that's exactly what you need to do. 

It is hard to wrap one's mind around when things go south, but there is zero reason to hang on to a joint venture here. Tell him you are not going to have a business meeting with him because you are no longer interested in collaborating on this project. 

It's time to close the door. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, roamingconfused said:

 I always had to wait anywhere from 24 hours to one week for him to cool off before we could hash it out, 

Unfortunately this is a huge red flag. Not only the chronic arguments but that they were frequent and ended in silent treatments and one week breaks. What were the arguments and why couldn't you get along?

There seems to have been problems and incompatibilities all along. Please consider this an opportunity to set yourself free from someone who isn't right for you. Please don't try to hang on to him through this app project.

It seems you haven't felt appreciated and need a lot more than he's ready willing or able to give you. He is chronically pushing you away to the point of hostility so you go away. There's no future in this. 

It seems like you overinvested in the relationship and tried too hard to "make it work". He was definitely not as invested as you if he just turns his phone off for a week whenever you argue.

[Coily]

His weird statement that couples shouldn't fight in the first year is a bit odd. I don't think he has realistic view of how relationships function, further evidenced by how he withdrawals after a fight.

Terminate the business and give yourself time to grieve this relationship. As continuing to work with him will never give you the space you need,

[roamingconfused]

2 hours ago, AlvinoMartins said:

I can sense that you're not quite ready to give up on this relationship just yet. It's important to have a clearer understanding of the business aspect. Is it something you heavily rely on for your livelihood, or is it more of an experimental venture where the potential loss wouldn't have a major impact? Additionally, consider how vital the business is for your boyfriend. Will he be significantly affected if you were to leave, both emotionally and financially?

Apart from that, it might be wise to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that your boyfriend may be seeing someone else. While it's not confirmed, it's essential to be prepared for different outcomes and to take care of yourself throughout this process.

We both have stable full-time jobs apart from this side project. During the break up, I said we should drop it, but he was the one adamant and says he wants to finish what we started. I don’t think he’s actually that passionate about it. I feel like it was a way to keep some sort of access to me, and vice versa…we’re clinging onto it as an excuse.

[Batya33]

Just now, roamingconfused said:

We both have stable full-time jobs apart from this side project. During the break up, I said we should drop it, but he was the one adamant and says he wants to finish what we started. I don’t think he’s actually that passionate about it. I feel like it was a way to keep some sort of access to me, and vice versa…we’re clinging onto it as an excuse.

So then I would drop it -my only issue is -if he moves forward how will you get credit for your part?

[roamingconfused]

He can’t finish it without me nor me without him (unless we each find someone else) - we come from different complementary technical backgrounds.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

He can’t finish it without me nor me without him (unless we each find someone else) - we come from different complementary technical backgrounds.

So if he finds someone else you are ok with getting nothing out of it and him using your work?

[roamingconfused]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So if he finds someone else you are ok with getting nothing out of it and him using your work?

Hm…not really. I’ve been drowning in processing the breakup and hoping for eventual reconciliation such that the logistics of the business venture have not been well fleshed out, whether we continue, both dissolve, or one person drops it. I’ll definitely need to reflect on that.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, roamingconfused said:

Hm…not really. I’ve been drowning in processing the breakup and hoping for eventual reconciliation such that the logistics of the business venture have not been well fleshed out, whether we continue, both dissolve, or one person drops it. I’ll definitely need to reflect on that.

Oh ok.  I'm sorry you're hurting and I'd see if you can compartmentalize so that you have an action plan -in case this app is wildly successful it would be a shame if you're totally shut out despite having contributed.

[SooSad33]

On 7/2/2023 at 1:18 PM, roamingconfused said:

Previously at the one year mark he had come seriously close to breaking up with me due to some doubts on his end (he felt that couples shouldn’t argue at all during their first year together),

Yeah, this is not realistic at all and he seems to want to 'avoid' any negative challenges, hence, why he's kept EVERYTHING inside until ..... his major blowouts.  That, isn't healthy!

 

On 7/2/2023 at 1:18 PM, roamingconfused said:

Like how he doesn’t enjoy my company anymore and that I make him feel miserable. He said the recent argument triggered all these suppressed negative feelings he has towards me.

Right, its all suppressed. -- And Communication IS important in a relationship, show's he obviously lacks in this.

 

On 7/2/2023 at 1:18 PM, roamingconfused said:

Where things get complicated is that we have a joint business venture/side hustle together. On the day of the breakup, this was brought up and he said he still wants to see it through, even though I told him I am fine dropping it or finding a new business partner so we can go our separate ways.

I agree here.  It's best for you both to end it all.  Including this business.  It will not do either of you any good by having to remain connected in in way. 😕 .

You accept what is now and work through your emotions to accept and heal .  And the less you know, the better.  You need to be able to move on and not be reminded at all.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

On 7/2/2023 at 11:45 PM, roamingconfused said:

But I always had to wait anywhere from 24 hours to one week for him to cool off

Does this mean he wouldn't talk to you for up a week sometimes? 

[Iwishiwasahologram]

This though. My partner/ex feels the same. I just want to squash it 50/50 and be done but he controlled everything down to a car and finances. 

[catfeeder]

On 7/2/2023 at 1:18 PM, roamingconfused said:

I am fine dropping it or finding a new business partner so we can go our separate ways.

I'd do this ^^^.

It makes no sense to spin yourself into pretzels 'around' a financial investment for no good reason beyond an emotional attachment that he's, unfortunately, degraded,

Respect yourself.