SooSad33

Nope, I agree, You did the right thing, for your own mentality. No, you can't solve her problems for her. you can't always be able to 'lift her up' or make her feel better. She is dragging you down with her 😕 . I have an ex who was the same. One can NOT be happy walking on egg shells! You tried. Good on you. BUT, your own mental health is number one! I feel it's time to walk away & stay away. you've admitted you need some time away. Stay there 😉 . This wounded soul will be as they are unless or until they can work on themselves etc. Either way it's not your job to try & fix them or anything. ( Is maybe a good idea she not be involved at all, but to focus on herself more to work on trying to improve etc). So, try NOT to feel guilt, but feel relief. You experienced 2 yrs of this. Now, enjoy this breath of fresh air and no more stressors 🙂 . Like I said.... you tried, but this isn't for you.

Sounds like you've 'figured him out', and you're exhausted from it all - after just 2 yrs. It may be, that no matter what he'll always be a challenge in something 😕 . If you're feeling it now, imagine what you'll be like in 5 yrs, etc. IMO, he's not for you. Then be honest and be done with him. He sounds like someone who IS needy and possibly too needy or negative. Is good that you notice all of this now, not when you've moved in together, etc.. right?

Did you not know her ways until now? How long have you been involved? I know it says she moved in abt 6 months ago. I guess this is how she rolls. 😉 . you can only harp so much about all of this. If she's not up to YOUR standards, then she isn't. Maybe you're too used to being on your own there & having it your way all of the time. Now, you've let your partner come share your space. But she isn't perfect. Is up to you to either give her a little more time to adjust to your lifestyle & preferences or just speak up & say you're not happy with her presence. No, you're right, you shouldn't have to.... but all it takes is maybe a reminder. ( Or maybe you've done this?).

Sadly, I feel you were more into her, than she was into you 😕 . You always knew of her 'uncertainty', when it came to her true choice... right? And this is the chance you took. Now you have to deal with the end results, as she's pulling away. I Know, it hurts! 😞 . You're light tears are most likely because it hasn't truly hit you yet. ( denial?). The beginning stages of 'grief'. You will go through many different emotions over time. So, it'll come about soon enough. Why is it you have no friends? That is really sad that you have no one to lean on, vent to etc. 😕 As for your kids, many kids have been raised in 2 diff households. As long as they aren't caught up in the tension between the parents etc. Are you guys seeking any help re: your autistic child? other than them attending school- I can tell you now, you will be even more challenged once those 'hormones' kick in come the teen years. So, consider doing this. See what is out there for you ( some type of 'relief' and groups they can attend etc.. all the way up to meds, considered with their challenges). My ex had a dtr like this and I have one with me who's high functioning, so although a challenges sometimes- can be tolerated most times. 😉 Maybe consider therapy, this can help you 'work through' many issue's. I also found journaling helpful - another way to 'get it out'. Every time you want to go at her, go write it out ( on paper or wordpad, I use). As for this idea of 'going backwards', I found that never worked for me. it was either we're all in or we're all out. I could not go back to 'friendship', after that line was crossed. So, you may feel now you can do it.. or at least try to. But, imo, in time, once you work through all these emotions, you may come to feel you can't or don't want to sit back and be 'just a friend' to her. Anyways, is good that you reached out here today. I found doing stuff like this IS helpful. Remember you're not alone . 🙂 Vent away, post when you feel. One day at at time, I often say. Give yourself time to process everything and go through the process of your loss. TC

If it's regarding trust, I don't agree with that . It's like trying to see IF that person's being dishonest and then trying to 'prove yourself', etc. Fine, if you choose to allow them to see your phone - especially if you ARE being honest and nothing's wrong. But I dated a guy for 5 yrs, before I became suspicious. I never went through his phone until my last 2 mos with him. And yeah, I was right. I knew things had to end there. In general though, it should be okay if your partner would like to see or use your phone for something, especially if you are in good terms and all is well and you've been together a good while. As I can see that as just needing it for something specific. One should be able to see red flags, if they're just assuming stuff, early on in the relationship. Can most likely see that as a deal breaker and get out of it.

Yeah, I wouldn't take this guy seriously as if he'd truly into sticking around. He's wandered off before, I'm sure he'll fade again. I've had a couple try this with me. They fade, then come around again and they'll do it again if I let them.. But, it can end up really messing you up. They're uncertain or just using you, when you may end up 'getting feelings', but they're not. IF you do fancy him, you need to figure this out. What are HIS intentions here? Is he just wanting a FWB? Or this is a true interest & taking things further.

Look at your history ... and now you're at it again. Honestly, I don't see him as a prize with his background 😉 . Look at it as a little fun .. for now. ( Not sure when either of your marriages ended....)?

This is the meaning of 'trust': "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." There's also the saying, Trust is earned. I guess that is true too? Is not like you just meet someone and know you can trust them? One can often be weary of others. Trust I guess is like a reassurance. You do feel you can depend on them or that you can approach them w/out concerns. Trust is in many area's of our life. We trust that our neighbours won't cause a negative effect on us. We trust that the person walking down the road won't harm us. We trust that our partner is honest and loyal. We trust that an employee is reliable. So, isn't your statement unrealistic? I'd say in time, sure, you can come to see you DO trust them. ( unless, for reason's they can't eg. they've got trust issue's due to their own experiences). But, if trust is never present, then there's a real problem.. imo 😕 .

Yeah, maybe communication isn't his thing, but is necessary. He may be negligent and NOT be tending to YOUR needs. He's 19 and still has a ways to go re: maturity etc. It's been 9 months and if you feel you're giving more than he is, then maybe it's time to part ways. Especially if he's been made aware of this already... I remember my son msg'ing his gf once he'd get home from work, when he'd wake up etc at that age. They'd hang together regularly. And I remember a saying,, if he's into you, you'll know it. 😉 .

I'm sure you all have heard of our loss today 😞 . I grew up listening to her many hits. She went through a lot in her younger days, being popular and abused by her then husband, Ike . Tina you were a classic and strong woman! Thank you so much for sharing your talent ❤️ Been listening to this song today ;

Well, she pulled you into her whirlwind, didn't she? Since you don't trust people easily, this for one, was one you surely need to avoid. But, this is also how we learn.

Yeah, I'd say so. No one falls 'in love' that quickly, at least not after a toxic long term relationship. 😕 You met this girl at your work a year ago? And took her on. The thing is, SHE is selfish. She knew darn well she couldn't do it. She knew what state she was in and that she wasn't over all she'd been through! I am assuming you've been single a good while and you did feel ready- but in ways insecure. Yeah, she took you for a ride. A terrible one. Let this be a lesson for you. Anyone who recently comes out of a LTR and says they 'love you', want to marry etc.. is all crap. In no way did anyone have 'true feelings' in this. Neither one of you had a chance to get to know each other the right way. ( and look up meaning of a 'rebound'.. yah, it can hurt & mess you up even more). 😕 . Anyways, stay away from her. She's got way too much going on in her life. And she needs to realize on her own he is toxic. Some people remain with their toxic partners because they are emotionally invested and unstable. This is no place for you to be. 😉 Take care of YOU. Focus on you and move on with your life. Heal from this experience and I believe you will come to meet someone someday who is not in such a situation and can give you what you deserve, whole heartedly.

EMDR can work on occasion, if you're able or willing. I've done it and apparently I 'had a wall up' and I never got anywhere with all of that 😕 . Everyone's different. And at times, sure it may work, but also may not. It goes with everything else offered out there. - Is good he's at least started therapy. I had to seek therapy for a good cpl years, after a severe negative response with a guy who was bipolar, he set off a number or triggers for me.

Okay, but you knew all about them, right from the start. And you chose to remain involved with her, despite the red flags 😕 . Did she love you? I think you know the answer to that ... 😕 . ( how could she love another man when she's still fully into another?). It doesn't matter how their relationship will pan out. What matters is YOU now keep your distance! This is an unstable, unhealthy relationship and they are suffering - as you mentioned 'trauma bonded'. Will be up to them to figure their stuff out, on their own. And when or if they do end up splitting up for good someday, she best be on her own for a good while to work through all she had experienced. So, keep your distance and expect nothing! I know you'd like to 'vent' at her, but don't. Is hard enough, she's a co worker 😕 . Vent it out other ways, get out there for some air, take walks, get into a sport and journal or something. Say all you want to say to her on paper or Wordpad. - So, you can also work through your emotions and get over this.

Re: this, YOU can do as you please for yourself, if she doesn't want to go there, nothing you can do about it. As for the kids & their eating, yes, you have a say ( although, nothing wrong with having a pizza & ice cream now & then - let them live a little) 😉 . Sounds like you're holding a lot of resentment. You're not happy in this. As for the kids, .. you both work? How is it your one child seems to be affecting your business now? Can't you guys get a sitter/ daycare? As for her hiding her communications on her phone, you are most likely right there.. But, by sounds of things, neither of you are getting what's req'd in a decent, successful relationship. Many things aren't there & you're not working well together 😕 . You both seem miserable and you're not exactly working things out, to make sure each other are happy - but more, are realizing you have too many differences now. ( no sex in a long while - due to dog issue's..... kids not being fed properly ( in your opinion, etc)...). Maybe, is it time to throw in the towel and separate IF you feel like the relationship's falling apart & neither of you feel you can work this stuff out?

Sorry you are hurting.. yes, it is hard to be dumped 😕 . But I agree as mentioned above. She's most likely traumatized by her experience and needs some good time now on her own to 'recover' and get herself back to good. A relationship is most likely too much for her and she just needs her own time now, for a while. No pressures, no expectations, etc. You can do nothing now but work on accepting what is. Was decent of you to admit you miss her, wish her the best etc but IMO, no more communication is needed. You leave her be and work through this on your own. Seek your own mental support. Your friends/ family etc. I found it helpful by journaling. I write out all I want to say ( eg in wordpad on my pc, or on paper). Might be good on you to get out there, get physical to work it out, join a gym, go running, get into a sport, etc. In time, things will get easier for you. That was 18 mos of a relationship & experience. Now, is time to accept & move on.

Beauty is only skin deep. A relationship requires many more reason's in order to be successful. - Are you compatible? ( have things in common, is there communication, are they respectful, do they give you some of 'their time', etc). It's common for a relationship to start off great - as that's the honeymoon phase. In time, we come to see IF this is a good person for us. If not, we end it, distance ourselves, etc. Maybe you just haven't found your person.. yet. One, where you DO feel yourself with and a real connection. If you're scared right now, why don't you just cool it for a while? Take some down time and focus on yourself. Get out there, hang with friends & family, get active in some sport or hobbies etc. Where you don't have to focus on someone else. With a relationship, yes, it does take your time, energy etc. And IMO, if there's always negative's it can wear you down 😕 . And you end up mentally/ emotionally exhausted, etc. My brother had a long term toxic relationship and when that all came to an end, he was smart and spent a good few years on his own . He knew inside, he was ready to date again. When he did venture out again, the woman he met up with, he married within 2 yrs. he just knew 😉 . ( I haven't been involved for abt 4 yrs and am fine with that. I have no interest, as I know I am mentally & emotionally exhausted from years of negative experiences). We're all different and all experience different things through our lives. So, think a little on your present mentality and maybe just chill for a little while. Focus on yourself and who knows, some day you may find someone who does strike the right chord in you and you DO feel it. 🙂 . We never know. * Another thing some may mention is gamophobia? People who have gamophobia have a fear of commitment. This fear is so intense that they often find it impossible to have long-term relationships.*

Yup, we live, we learn. ( you were tempted? Ohhh no good!) - so it's still a weakness? Take a good look at the effects of it all on you - counselling, meds.. Be stronger than this!). I do hope this hasn't set you back again, too much 😕 . As it can in ways affect you somewhat with where you're at now. Please keep moving forward. Don't do this again. You continue on now with your new life, - away from all of that! As you're well aware of the effects it had on you.

Yeah, by the sounds of it, he's been conditioned, so he's grown up with this behaviour. He will not change! I'm amazed you've remained this long 😕 . No One stands between me and my family. If this is how he ( and they) are, fine, leave him to it. But is time to get on with your life and live it the way YOU want! ❤️ . Go to that wedding on your own. Enjoy yourself 😉

True, it could. Do you have your own life , outside this relationship? Do you still hand with friends do sport or hobbies, interact with others? Mental health does matter 😉 . Try not to lose yourself in this. Is not good if he's trying to up his ex this way - that is immature! 😕 . I hope he's grown out of this somewhat?

Then you need to make sure she understand this. The worst thing to do is lead someone on - with no intent.

I agree, you should be on some birth control by this age. Other than being flirty with each other, has he reached out to you, to hold hands etc yet? That would be expected. Also, I'm sure he's going to be 'expecting' some physical interaction anytime. Do you two hang out a lot? What do you do? Is nice to actually hang together & watch a movie etc, to cuddle & be 'close'. It's nice if your partner likes to be close. But, this is the beginning stages, so interest should be high. You're in the 'honeymoon stage'.

IMO, that convo they had seemed pretty basic & innocent. So, if you choose to remain with him, this is something you need to work on accepting. He's chosen to be 'friends' with his ex. -- can you? In ways, you sound irritated, I guess re: the amt of sex between you. So, is good you've mentioned this much. What I find a challenge with you two, is your age gap. As he admitted, he's 'getting tired'. So, by sounds of it, he's not as 'active' as you are anymore. you're still much younger etc. ' I think I missed out on experiencing my youth and exploring my self so its leading to issues. ' Do you feel now, that this isn't quite for you? That you haven't 'lived it up' yet? kind of thing? Otherwise, is he a decent guy? ( as for this 'I love you' within such a short time, I don't believe).

You asked ' Am I the one who's selfish'. In this kind of situation, I can't see myself asking a bf to get up & take me somewhere at 4 am. I'd realize the situation I put them in already, with having to come pick me up because I was in a challenging situation. Was great she did that much for you .. right? 😉 Not sure the distance either of you had to go - or how far she had to drive to get you, then bring you back to her place? ( is this where you stayed?). And then again, to get to a bus station for 4 am..? Yes, you were in a rough spot and she helped you out there. If it's not too far for her, good! But there were other options as well. eg. stay at a hotel or something for the night, close to the train and get yourself there on your own, etc.

You keep mentioning the fact that he's admitted he's mentally stressed etc. I wonder if maybe at this time in his life he just can't handle a relationship? ( How long were you dating? If only a cpl months he possibly didn't feel right in this). But yeah, if he's not 'trying' much anymore, is maybe best to leave all alone. Move on.