TLDR at the bottom of this novella.
Background:
We've been officially dating for six months. We've known each other as acquaintances for two years prior to that. I've always heard what a great guy he is. How he is super loyal, would never cheat, would do anything for his friends and family, etc. I met him through my longtime friend's now husband while they were dating and I was living with her.
He would pop over and we would eat pizza, drink, sit around and laugh, have bonfires, or watch tv. I thought he was funny but he seemed to be a little flaky. I learned when we started dating that he's diagnosed with ADHD but he's medicated. After we had been dating a while I suggested therapy too and he just had his first appointment a week ago.
I was already going to therapy. My main reason for suggesting therapy to him is that it would be better for both of us if we had a mutual language to discuss these things and for me not to have to play his therapist too. He said he wants to get married, so if we're going to be serious then we should take our relationship seriously.
He's been the best boyfriend I've ever had. We have open and constructive conversations. Sex is good. He has never torn me down about my feelings or aspirations. He's always supportive. He goes out of his way for me and gets along well with my family. I get along pretty well with his family too. All of his friends like me, some more than others. I'm always invited to whatever event he's at unless it's a guys' thing. He maintains open communication throughout the day and we have a ton of fun together. He's taken me on a very nice vacation so far and helps me fix my car. He's affectionate in public and tells everyone about me with pride. All of his friends were excited for us to get together. He doesn't hang out with his female friends alone, I'm always invited or it's mixed company and I know about it. He's not texting anyone at odd hours and there's no general shady behavior, that I know of until recently. See below.
How it started:
One of the first times we hung out knowing we both wanted to date was at a Halloween party that his friends threw. He lives with a few of them and two of them, his best female friend, Amy, and her husband Ken live next door. They are all very social and most of them have known each other since high school.
During the party when he wasn't seeking me out to flirt he was seeking out Amy. He said she was his best friend. She dressed as Michael Meyers and walked around the whole night with a fake knife stalking people silently and then irish goobyed. I loved it! It did feel weird that when he wasn't talking to me he was primarily seeking her out. I just noted it and told myself, oh good. A guy who actually likes women.
Fast forward to us dating and going over to each other's houses a couple of times a week. One night, he texts me that he HAVE to go to Amy's farewell party at a brewery she had worked at for the past three years in marketing and distribution. Apparently, it was a big deal to the group, because they would go there often for trivia or other events. Amy and Ken had their wedding party there.
I felt kind of rushed or pushed into the situation. I wasn't in the most social mood after a long day at work and I anticipated us staying in. But I rallied for it and could have used a drink so I came with. When we got there I sat at the table where his friends were already drinking. They were segregated into the original group of friends on one end of the table and her work friends on the other.
I still didn't know his friends that well and the only place to sit was between the two. Amy was primarily with her work friends. I felt a little awkward because I didn't know the best place to break in and I didn't know we would be so confined. Meanwhile, my bf gets up and leaves me sitting awkwardly to go over to Amy. He gets on bended knee and puts her hand in his. He begins to tell her she is a beautiful goddess and she deserves everything in the world and he loves her very much.
Her husband is next to me, drunk, and fully engrossed in another conversation. I was confused and noticed some feelings popping up for me that were uncomfortable. I rationalized to myself that this is a good thing. That he appreciates women platonically and has strong female friendships.
Afterward, we are walking to our cars and Amy puts her arm around me and is chatting to me. I'm enjoying our conversation when she tells me she and my bf used to be best friends. They would hang out all the time and play video games and go shopping. Then Ken came into the picture and they got married. It struck me as odd that my bf never mentioned that part. I started to wonder what else was unspoken.
A few weeks later I was invited to another group hang out at the house. Potluck style. Amy is there and as soon as she shows up I feel forgotten. My bf seems really concerned with making sure she has everything she needs. To the point that he asks everyone if they need a drink and she says no. He gets all his buds and me a drink then asks her again. She says she's not drinking. We sit and chat for a while and he sits by me facing her and away from me. Eventually, my drink runs low and I'm trying to get a word in edgewise when he asks her again if he can grab her a beer or something. She said again that she was good. I had to pipe up and tell him I needed another drink. This one really set me off.
Later I spoke to my therapist about it and she encouraged me to tell him how I felt about it. I wrote it all down because it was too upsetting to just say. Something I'm working on in therapy. He read the whole thing. I told him I was worried that I would scare him away with my feelings and he said he wanted to read all of my letters and know all of my feelings. He also said he didn't see her as anything other than a friend and he's never gotten complaints like this before. He said he sees her as a best friend, one of the guys but he can talk about hair care with her. She's not his type and he's never been attracted to her. They've never slept together. He doesn't remember acting any differently around her.
He said he's a bad boyfriend sometimes when he's around his friends because he gets caught in the moment. He also said he's afraid that he'll say something stupid that will make me angry but that he's worried he can't learn to stop saying things impulsively. These are the complaints he's heard before. This is part of why I suggested therapy.
Fast forward, we're laying around making plans and I say I want to get Korean BBQ and have a drink on the patio in the sun. He says ok great! We get to the living room and Amy and Ken are chilling on the couch so we stop there and he talks to them for about 30 minutes. I was getting kind of antsy and wanted to continue our plans so I mentioned something. Amy pipes up and tells us we should go to the place the group always goes because there is a bbq place next door. My bf says ok! We'll do that. Didn't ask me. Didn't even look at me. Amy and Ken say they will be there later that night and the next day for the group get-together.
I say we'll we'd better get going because I don't want to make a big deal. He starts to pout and in a whiny voice says, "Aw man. Ok." I said, "Would you rather stay here with your friends baby?" He said, "Is that an option?" I said, "Absolutely not." At this point I feel blatantly disrespected and like there is a pattern of behavior that is disrespectful to me and my place in his life.
I cannot help but feel like he puts her on a pedestal and values her opinion over mine. I feel like one day it will come down to my needs being neglected for him to meet hers. I already feel like he isn't carrying himself like he's taken when it matters.
How it's going:
On top of this issue, I've been struggling to trust him in general.
Recently we were at a brewery for another friend's birthday (Amy and Ken) were not there. We were having a good time until later in the night my bf turns to me and says, "Look at my friend, Stacy, being a sexy goddess at the bar." That icked me out. Stacy is his roommate's gf and he just felt the need to randomly tell me how sexy she is. She pretty much lives with him.
I brought it up the next day and he looked shocked. He immediately apologized and said he isn't sure why he would say that to me. He just wasn't thinking. I told him I would never point out a random man, much less one of our friends, and tell him they are hot. It's ok to find other people attractive. I'd worry if he didn't. It doesn't need to be brought up unless it's relevant to the conversation or I ask.
A week or so later he goes to a bachelor party for a friend from another group. I wonder why he didn't bring up the strip club issue but decided maybe they weren't planning on it so I didn't want to broach the subject. Then that night I get a text at 10:30pm asking if it's cool with me if he goes to the strip club with his friends. I was annoyed that he asked so late and from a text. I decided to shrug it off as adhd and set some boundaries. I told him no touching. He says ok, that he's already told a stripper about me. That pissed me off because it means he wasn't waiting on my reply. I asked later if I hadn't responded what he would have done. He said he would have hung back with his two friends who didn't go.
Then at the wedding, his friend lets it slip that they all got lap dances, not just the groom. I confronted him after the ceremony and he felt very bad. Especially because earlier after their trip and before the wedding I mentioned that lap dances count as touching and that would be cheating. At which point he was silent. I asked him how many he got and he said they went each night, so three. I asked if there were any nipples in mouths and he said no, there were only boobs being rubbed on his face.
A month later we're having Amy's birthday party at his house. One of their older friends came into town as a surprise. The only thing I've heard about this friend is that she had a notorious nickname that had to do with her sleeping with everyone in the group, except him, he says. Lol, I don't believe that but I can give him a mulligan on that one. But that very night, this girl is sitting in a chair leaning against the wall. He sits in the chair next to her and right in front of me puts his hand on her bare knee, leaves it there while he leans over her to tell her something in her ear. She sees me looking and looks concerned. He acts like everything is normal. I brushed it off and told her her top was really cute. He chimes in, oh yeah she's really good at that! I told him the next day how uncomfortable seeing him touching her and leaning over her made me feel and how it was basically flirting.
I just don't know what to make of any of this. I don't think he has any bad intentions. Ken said he could lift Thor's hammer and that he was a good one and I shouldn't hurt him or I'd have him to contend with. Ken also told me I was hot like his wife, Amy, and reminded him of her. My bf has also stressed that she and I have a lot in common and should get to know each other. He's not made any effort to plan any more double dates with them. But he does often bring up if I do something similar to her.
He also gets gooey every time he sees a beer from the brewery she used to work at. He'll say, "Aaaww a ___ beer!" Which gets under my skin probably because I'm overreacting now because I feel some type of way. Amy told me that she sees him as a brother previously. But at her recent bday party, I came to stand next to my bf while she was going on to her other friends about how he's her bestie... when I look at her she stammered a bit and said, well not anymore! But he's family and I see him like my brother! I wish my bf would say he sees her more like a sister.
I have no problem with any of his friends. I like them all and was kind of hoping I had found a new friend group. I just don't feel like he's treating me with the respect I require in a relationship and I'm not sure if it's fixable, a me issue, or that we're just incompatible.
TL;DR
My bf focuses on his female best friend to the point I feel ignored and maybe even low key compared to her. He's also done some things recently that have weakened my trust, like openly flirt with his friend in front of me and lie about getting lapdances at a bachelor party.
I have no problem with any of his friends. I like them all and was kind of hoping I had found a new friend group. They all really seem to like me too. I just don't feel like he's treating me with the respect I require in a relationship and I'm not sure if it's fixable, a me issue, or that we're just incompatible.
This seems disrespectful and I feel distrustful but I could be projecting my own insecurities and being jealous.
Any advice on navigating this complicated situation is appreciated.
