real amour

Hello Johnny as. Do not continue to flirt or be cozy with this girl. Keep your distance or she will think you are interested. Trust me, girls have wilder imaginations and minds than you think (they just don't show it sometimes, and sometimes they do, the bold ones). I totally understand that cycle thing. I am 36 now and I had that my whole life. I had flings or short term dating where either they were very attracted to me or I to them and not vice versa (or they were not ready, repressed, whatever). Finally I went with someone who I found so so on looks but who loved me so and was so good to me. I was 29 and this is a major age for a woman who is looking at procreation (we all are). I tried to break it off after 2 months for this reason but he didn't want to hear my side really, then when we went long distance I thought of taking a break again, but then I was getting old and he was talking a house, etc. I panicked, left my job and moved 200 km away and we started a life: house, kids, wedding, etc. I met this one guy just before I did this who really attracted me (we met just a few times on business, but I sensed he had been interested), but I thought no, the other one loves me more and did not think those feelings were threatening. Well, 7 years later, I cringe that I did nothing about the other guy because the physical thing is still not there. I have tried everything: hair color, various positions, situations, etc. Arousal is just not coming. I see a split as inevitable although in the long term. I am majorly sexually frustrated. Men don't usually stand for this, do you think? You don't pick who you are attracted to. It picks you. Wait is what I say because that is what I should have done, but didn't. See where it gets you? Sexual attraction is very, very important because once the party is over, you are left with just each other and that is a glue that seals a relationship. Good luck.

Hello. Yes, make a move, slowly but surely. Hang on her every word if you feel something. Look her straight in the eyes, always, pay lots of attention. Men have generally less of this stuff so she will be impressed and will see that you are focussing on her. Don't push, but be constant, an emotional rock, emotionally consistent. DO NOT WASTE THES INTENSE MOMENTS. I am 36 now and I know these moments come and do not come back and you have lost that person FOREVER. Good luck.

Hello Lanni and Everafter. I know both of your feelings. But in my situation, I don't think I ever had that 'in love' feeling. If you both have had it, why do you not now? I too have strayed but no cheating yet, just drummed up someone from the past on email (for my own selfish needs). How about a trial separation? I have two young kids under 4 so I can't even think that far, I just make due with friendship and disatisfying sex. Without kids, I would say, just pick up and go before you invest more, but with kids it is more touchy. However, I met a woman who said that she left her man after 18 years because she needed to give more of herself, a person she liked, to her kids and she was not becoming that person with her man. He never imagined she would go through with it. Her kids now respect her for the guts she had to be herself (they had varying views on lifestyle, city vs. country, money vs. frugality). I think I made love a calculated decision and I left my true essense or spirit just slip by and away in making this 'decision'. I married a great guy vs. the right guy. I congratulate you for the counselling (I am not even there yet). Maybe go to counselling alone first to get your head straight then involve the man. Maybe a flirt or adulterous experience will get things out of your system. Did any of you get married to a dream and not reality, when all is said and done (the house, the kids, the dress, etc.)? Just a thought. By the way, my man is like the nicest man I will ever meet, but he does not push my every button by a long shot (maybe I married what I thought I should be marrying vs. what I really wanted) Good luck.

Hello all. Yes, that article is very good. It really hit home with the helper part, where you feel you pick neurotic or incomplete or lacking individuals and somehow you will complete them. I feel that in the past I have been that (the nice girl) and actually I married a nice guy. This is why we are having trouble. I felt sorry for him since he had invested so much in us (mostly to get together when I was in need) so I left a ft job/car/apt. (and yes maybe a man) to be with him. I regret it big time though he is a wonderful person, I feel we were not at our best when we got together. In the past, I too had hung around guys being friends, hoping they would ask me out. Bull. I created a lot of hurt for myself. These men (like 5 mostly between 18-25) were a big waste of time and I was very emotionally invested as friends, but ended up fooling around with other types. Go figure. Being a nice girl is also possible, but honestly, the stupidest thing. You have to stake your territory, say what you want or scream out loud what you do want. Do not pick a puppy for crying out loud and do not be a puppy either. There is only one mother teresa and she gives unconditional love as a child does, adult humans do and should not if they have any self-respect. Hard lessons to learn as I decipher my own situation. Thanks.

Hello. I am 36 and married. My greatest disservice to myself in my romantic life has been to remain friends with guys that I was actually interested in, hoping they would become interested in also, make a move whatever. Trust me. Do not remain 'good friends'. I wasted so much time. I can only say that the guy is actually not interested. Face it. If a man, is a man, then a man will make a move. Cut your losses short and move on. I pined over 5 guy friends who I 'fell' for, all a waste of time, ALL OF THEM. One of them (we talked incessantly over the phone for 6 months) said when I confronted him 'You are right, I was scared to fall in love with you!' Ugggh! Life is too short and you will be investing emotionally too much. Your time is precious, your values are precious and so is that time you spend together. As you get older, you have less and less people in your sphere and they become more important. And what a lucky man to have both a girlfriend and you? Is he that needy? Why is that his girlfriend is not his best friend, what need are you satisfying? Contront him or move on now while you still can write a line on this board.

Hello Randomguy. I think your girlfriend has done the right thing and it was difficult for her, trust me. I always felt drifting apart with my man in our long-distance thing and actually should have cooled things, but I did not and who knows what would have happened. There are reasons she needs this time so please respect it and appreciate that you are not there for whatever it is she needs. Maybe she needs more experience (that is one thing I should have gone for) to really appreciate you, like when you get a few quotes for a project, you know which is the better value and fit (sorry to sound dry, but it's the truth and the truth sucks unfortunately, better late than never).

Hi. I think you have done all the right things. Is he overtired at work? Do you think he is cheating on you, on or offline? You never know, some of the most innocent, quiet types could be pulling one over on you. The real breakdown in a relationship is if people stop trying. I think you are and he does not seem to be. I knew a guy who had an affair just to show his wife that he needed more attention (it worked!). Ask him outright if he has lost the passion for you? Tell him he should go to counselling. Leave some self-help books lying around. Sounds like there are things he isn't telling you or even himself. Hang in there longer, but don't burn yourself out. You have a lot of living to do and your kids would certainly like mom to be happy, as she is usually the glue that holds the family together, don't you think?

Hello. I got married late enough (31) and lived alone for a long time before that. I too was a loner in school, but became more sociable in university. In principle, I am still a loner. What I suggest is that you maintain that space, those things that give you pleasure, even if they mean being alone or doing stuff without your spouse. This is very important since just because you are a couple does not mean that you cease to be an individual and anybody who makes you feel guilty for needing that alone time, will be causing you much pain in the long run (you need that escape and it gets worse when you have kids). I believe my husband and I have lost those things and that is why we are having trouble. You are a complete being outside of your mate and children and you realize this more when you get into the whole house thing, child thing, etc. how your time is compromised!!!! For example, for years I have plopped down in front of the TV after work with my husband to watch like whatever show. Recently, I said hey, you like this escapism, but to me it is brain deadening. I said I will be reading or working out in the basement from now on. It was tough, but I need that time to me, in my own way. Tell your wife that this time is important to you and she should also seek it out herself. Good luck.

Hello Twentythree. I totally applaud your girlfriend and admire her for her courage. She does not want to her you and is feeling complete guilt and that is why she has found it hard to break up until now. You have been fixing her previous scars or filling her fear of not finding someone else and that is no basis to continue and build a life on. I know this, how? Because I am that girl, who did not have the courage and now I continued, wed, had 2 kids and the reality is also hitting me (the reason I show up on this board). I love my man dearly, but I am not in love with him and probably never have been. Please believe her and let her go. It is no use as she has things she needs to learn. And yes, you were probably too in love with her, like your love was enough for the two of you. Again, do not put up a fight, DO NOT MAKE her feel guilty. Part as friends. She loves you but you do not push all her buttons and for her, you are not her every breath. Right now you probably think you can't find someone, but you can and you will.

Hello. I find it difficult in my marriage since I am the more English speaker and my man is more the French speaker. We communicate very well, but I never think we have a meeting of the minds. It is hard, and I believe, they say to ever really get mad or be funny in a language that is not yours. Having said that I guess you can never really get as emotional as you want, it's like there is always this language barrier. We have been together 10 years and I am now finding it very frustrating, plus I live in a French environment. Comments and suggestions from the floor will be welcomed.

Hello. Whatever you do don't be friends too long because it sucks. Men and women can only be friends if neither of them are attracted to each other. If one is interested and one is not or one is wishy washy, then it is a waste of time and someone will get hurt. I wasted lots of time on guys trying to be friends, trying to get the to like me, WASTE OF TIME even though you LIKE them SOOOO much. I think it clicks or it does not and I don't care how old you are. The older you get the more direct you become since the other stuff is really just flirting or some form of flirtation, fluffy conversation but not real interest. Just my opinion. Bonne chance!

Hello. Well, I am not the queen of orgasms with my man unfortunately, but I clearly know what they are since I am the queen of the nocturnal type (it's like the male wet dreams, only they are not so wet and they happen at night when you have a sexy dream). For me, and this may not be everybody, your pelvic area becomes very aroused like you are weak, you usually need some hand stroking anywhere around your clitoris or on the pubic bone (with a few fingers or the whole hand) (1 stroke, a few or none at all) and then you feel like a distinct release in your uterus (it is the contraction of the PC muscle I believe). The arousal slowly goes away and you return to a state or rest. This whole process can be more or less intense, as there are little orgasms and bigger orgasms and you can have multiple ones also. Look up those 4 phases of an orgasm on the Net and you can tell if you have them. Personally, I have not been able to get this with my man because of arousal problems (and other issues no doubt) or with masturbation, but sexy dreams seem to stimulate my mind and then my body. Funny, eh, but that is the way I am built. Remember, it is a clear and distinct feeling. If you don't know it, you probably don,t have it.

Hi. Actually, I don,t know how old you are, but I think the older you are the more direct you think it should be so you know the guy isn,t just flirting. He really knows what he wants, heck it is just a date, not a proposal. I had a long distance beau and another guy I think was flirting, but he never directly asked me out, though I do think he may have been interested in me looking back (sadly). My beau had always been more direct and that is how he got me. I knew he knew that he really wanted to be with me. Good luck.

Can I ask you how old your children are? Do you think they see a problem, now or in the future? Will they respect you more if you stay and are unhappy? Less I think because you will respect yourself less. Ask your wife, I see things are not working here since we are not having good intimate relations, so why are you staying with me? If I left you, how would you take it? Put the pressure on her.

Hello. Your effort with your wife is admirable. You are totally in love with her. I would like you to look back on how you both fell in love? What were the motivations, for her, for you? At what point, did you grow apart? When was there a problem that maybe you or her didn't see? Is she really attracted to you? Do you think she is cheating on you, emotionally if not physically, or both? What level of relationship experience did you both have? I ask this because I feel I was a slave to my own insecurities and married my man of 5 years (2 kids also). I have never had that passion and maybe I stayed with him because I knew he loved me more than I loved him, he would give me that unconditional love, that I would never get hurt anymore. I guess I got a puppy and not a dog as someone would way, that puppy fixed my emotional scars by having had years of unrequited love and/or lust in my own life (that is not a healthy basis believe me). I am also sure she feels there is no improvement to be made and that is why she is not trying or opening up. Honestly, I am sure there are some big issues going on in her head. Would you want to know? I suggest that you tell her that she needs to go to counselling for maybe some personal growth and emotional issues. That may be a first step in going with you to get through this. Sounds weird, but maybe she needs to chat online and tell all? Bon chance.

Hello Honkeytonk. No, long distance does not work. You can have it only if you have already had some kind of serious relationship in the past and you are looking to maintain it, and not forever. It isn't like a friend, it is a relationship where touch and feel is important, that 'in love' part. I tried this and we were cliging to a thread and actually we should have broke up. It was really hard. Go on the out of sight, out of mind thing. Do remain in touch, but don't use that Love word at all or you will be setting yourself up for a fall.

Hello Kate. I disagree with that first reply. I had those same feelings of 'not in love' since I too dated a man, who I thought was totally wonderful, but no butterflies, no feeling of falling, no chills down my spine, nothing. I continued since he was wonderful in every way. I thought this was ok since that was the deeper love, the one that lasted. Over those 4 years of dating, I met two guys who I was very attracted to and yes, wanted to plant a grand kiss. I suppress all this since my man loved me more (the others had shown interest but I denied it and to myself). Now wed, for 5 years and 2 kids later. I am now realizing that I do love him deeply, but that I am not in love with him. Think. Are there other reasons that you want to kiss these men? Maybe they stimulate you more in other ways, like conversation. You say your man is less educated than you. My man is also less educated than me, and I always wanted a very talkitive man and I did not get one, hence I have veered away from kissing now and I think things are in trouble. I am facing this NOW. I have always thought this attraction thing would just come and it has not and I missed two great guys along the way. Please take a break NOW. Just to see what else is out there. I don,t care what a great roommate he is or how much time you have been together. Take a break to see why you are feeling these things. You have no kids so you can always walk away, while I cannot so easily. In time, maybe like me, you will realize this kissings thing is the catalyst you need. You are certainly having doubts or you would not have joined this board (much like me, and it is recent!) Do not follow my example. What has always bothered you is now flying in your face. Face these unresolved conflicts now before you are tied by the knot or by a child! Please, for my sake and tell you what you find. P.S. How is your sex life? Are you satisfied there? Maybe you need those pheromones from the kissing?

Hello all you thoughtful people. Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly about marrying your first boyfriend (whatever age you were). Thanks. I did. Had a few temptations along the way and should have heeded those warning signals as 'you need more experience, space, whatever' but of course I did not. Hence, today I am slowly learning that I do not really have an attraction to my man, but hey, he is the most wonderful man on earth (married 5 yrs, 2 great kids). No adultery yet, but I feel it is inevitable.

Hello. I had crushes all my life. Yes, unrequited love, unrequited lust. Love and falling in love are two way streets for sure. The rest are just crushes, like liking a celebrity on poster. Trust me. My whole life was like this and it was a waste of time, these crushes which I thought were love.

Hello. You must take the time out NOW. The bad signs are there NOW. People wait too late to fix stuff and then you can`t. It isn't so bad you do not have kids I gather and you are busy because of constructive stuff. He needs you NOW. Don`t knock it, maybe you are missing stuff too and you don`t want to face intimacy for some reason. Have a first date, no agendas, no classes, nothing in your head besides mindless fun, get drunk, act like you are eloping! Capisco?

Hi. I thank deeply my respondents trying to help me. I have a great marriage. I don't eye anyone on serious level and would never leave my husband since with him I do feel I have true love. I take very good care of myself, dress up, wear sexy clothes (not slutty or anything) and previously yes, many men would eye me. This got frustrating over the years so I went with a guy who never looked at me like a piece of meat the problem is I never looked at him that way either. The problem is that I continue to be that passionate woman, but I don't feel it for him when I feel that I have needs. He responds to my needs, not my wants. When we kiss, it's not like I feel that take me away feeling, I feel like I am doing what I should. Sex is a hunger drive and I am still hungry. I have tried to get him to do offbeat things (kissing in front of the car, back alleys, the couch, whatever)--a tired man with a big job, doesn't put out can I tell you? Next time, if he wants of to get close in bed, I will say forget it. I might as well roll over and die. Romance and sex should never be routine, they are mind led and situational activities, not just a physical exercise. They say women need this variety, while men's arousal is simpler, more basic, etc. I feel I need a man who speaks more my language also (he is French and English), but we speak more French (his language) and this makes me feel like things aren't real. I think if I had an affair it would make me feel like I am not the problem. He asked me if I was satisfied in sex years ago and I said, well, sort of I guess. We should have split. Can relationships go on this long? My parents were pretty sexless and they lasted 40 years (my mother masturbated as I found a note after her death, is this better? for the kids?).

Hello advisors and advisoresses. Has anyone out there ever married or been in a relationship where you minimized the importance of attraction? I learned that women fall in love and then have sex, but that men have sex and fall in love. After 10 years with a partner, 5 marriage, 2 kids, I now realize that I need to have sex to fall in love, but not to love. I have never had that passion for my most wonderful man (great father, partner, everything), never that attraction. I learned to be more unsexual, since it didn't get me anywhere and I am very pretty, but scary apparently or I was going for the wrong guys There are 5 kind of love so I figure I got most of them with my man. At this point, I love him, but I am not in love with him. Was I stupid? Did I need to be loved so badly that I could not confront this, what he called our problem? He is the problem since I have had my eye on other men before marriage and in marriage (not a lot), but I always chose him since he was the smart choice, vs. the right choice, but I am in constant sexual frustration (where are those bloody pheromones here?) Thoughts?

Shadez884 needs to let this girl go. No sparks. No lies. No more relationship. Good girls (like me) will hang on for love and suppress or lose this spark (or it was never really there) if the guy is wonderful in every which way. I should have been more honest with my most wonderful husband because now I am married, 2 kids and oh yeah...no sparks. Problem was I was too guilty to say this and he was to wonderful (I suppose he let it continue too, like you). Let each other go and go find that spark with someone else. As a man, how can you be really be happy and sparked if your partner is not?