Kerrikaye

I would have to say don't give up. My husband told me that for the past six months he has not ben getting enough intimacy so he is saying he is not in love with me right now that we just feel like roomates. He doesn't want me to leave but has to have time to think- his space. But yet doesn't want me to ignore him or not spend time with him. Nothing intimate though. I know there is no one else. I just think he is going thru a tough time with work and I was ignoring his needs being to involved with my work and college first. Marriage is something you have to work at if you believe in it. It isn't something you put on a shelf and take down to play with. And I am going to fight tooth and nail for mine to work. I suggest you do the same. So if in the end she wants to divorce you you will know you gave it your all and that she is the one not trying as hard. Until she has the papers in hand keep fighting- remember your marriage vows... for better or worse, until death do us part.... My husband doesn't want to do the marriage counselor thing now either. Just remember in order to work on reviviing a relationship you have o be happy with yourself first. It isn't until he has told me what he felt and now I am waiting for his decision that I truly see what I have been missing.

This is day number two for since my husband told me that he hasn't been happy for the past six months because I was not always there for him when he needed intimacy. He says he feels hurt and neglected and needs space to think things thru. He is afraid that I will change and than go back to my old ways to, the thing is I felt I wasn't getting enough cuddle time, etc. either. He says he doesn;t want me to leave that he cares about me and doesn;t want to hurt me but the waiting is killing me. What do I do. We are civil and still laugh and joke around. He is overweight and has low self esteem so I didn't help the matter. Now I know that I would do anything to have him say I want to definetly work this out and save our marriage. I don't want to lose hope but it is so hard. What do you do to not go crazy not knowing what the outcome will be. I just don't understand how some guy can say he fell out of love with you and not know for sure if he can get that back. I feel like a horrible person and have a problem liking myself right now for hurting the man I love most in the world. What can we do to win back our men.... I know he isn't having an affair- he says he isn't and I believe him. I think in my heart of hearts that with time he will be able to work with me. He doesn't know about marriage counseling yet if he will do it. He says he will think about it. I know I hurt him bad. Last night we spent crying in each others arms.

My husband of over a year says he needs time to think our relationship thru. He says he feels that the past six mnths he has not gotten the attention he needed and is fearful if we work things out that I wouldn't change forever the way I give him the ntimacy he needs. I realize since our relationship has changed that I took him for grabnted and now I miss him so much. I want him back as husband/wife so we can better the relationship. I have agreed to give him his space. I know there is no one else. My husband has low self esteem he is very overweight so this didn't help his ego any me not paying attention to him like I should have. I really miss the affection and realized I had been missing it to. I don't want to throw in the total but I feel soooo bad about hurting him. He says I am his best friend but he can't say he loves me now because he kind of feels he fell out of love because of the lack of intimacy and that we were like roomates. But yet he doesn't want me to leave. Is there hope. I have agreed to marriage counseling he is still thinking about that. I am joining a church I figure I need all the support I can get and that is a good place to go. Plus he is religious based and has wanted to join so if he sees that is what I want to than maybe there will be hope of it all working out. I am so depressed I can't eat, sleep, work, etc. What can I do. I love him and want to give it a shot but the waiting to know if I will get a second chance is killing me.

The latest is my husband has taken off his wedding ring. He says he will let me know if he wants to try marriage counseling. He says I mean the world to him but for the past six months I was unable to give him the imtimacy he neeeded so he is angry, and feels he has lost the love he had for me and doesn;t know if he can get that back or not. I love him dearl and don't want to lose him. He says I am not saying I want you out. What does that mean? But yet he can't really touch or be close physically with me because he says it is not fair until he knows he wants to try again. He just doesn't want to make promises he can't keep. But if he is not saying divorce or hey get out or lets get your own place isn't there reason to have hope yet? I am so depressed over this. I feel like my life is going to end. But yet I know I can make it on my own. I told him I don't want to let go that I miss the intimacy we had six mths ago and he said well why didn't you say something or want to talk when he brought up he wanted more. All I can say is I feel I don't deserve someone when things get good I have the tendency to mess them up. I ws sexually abused for two yrs when I was 8 or 9 so I know this has to have something to do with why I feel this. How do I get him back. What can I do. I don't want to lose him. We have been togther for over three years and just the past six months he has been in pain and hurt. Shouldn't that be reason to give it a second chance. Or should I just realize it is over and quit. Please help...............

I am on the oposite side of things so maybe we can help each other. I have a husband who says he is not getting enough intimacy so if things don't change he can't stay married. He feels as if we are just roomates.I have told him and starting showing him again what inimacy is. I also felt I was missing out on it but couldn't say anything to him because of fear that I was to needy. Now he says he is willing to try but can't promise the way he will feel. He states that he is fearful that things will be good for awhile and than will change back to the old ways. All along he would say he felt neglected, or couldn't understand why I didn't want to cuddle, and our sex life was non-existant and I think it is because I felt because he wasn't giving me intimacy why should I give it to him. It was just a mixup on both of our parts. His big thing is he says he cares for me but can't say he loves me now. Why is this, does not showing intimacy totally make that go away, or is he just mad? He says he doesn't want me to leave now that he cares about me. Which is a good sign at least. Any advice would be helpful. I figure since you are going thru the same situation you could give me input and I could give you some.

I am soooo confused. I go out of my way to spend time with him- show that I am thinking of him but it still feels as if he is not always happy. I am not overdoing it just saying hi. But he is smiling at me and telling me where he is going, etc. just isn't as affectionate as before. I think maybe he is scared that I am still upset about him telling me he wanted more attention or he would have to leave the relationship eventually. I don't know. I love him dearly but ever since he says he cares for me but can't say he loves me now I have stopped saying it to. It feels weird. At times I want to just give up- I hate the butterflies in my stomache wondering what the outcome will be. I know I need to stay positive but I didn't see this coming when the signs were there. He mentioned numerous times he was feeling left out, and wanted to cuddle, etc. Last night after he told me what he wanted I told him I needed time to think and regroup so I slept in the spare room. Tonight I am moving back in the bedroom. What should I do if he gives me the cold shoulder? I know he cares about me he says so but just four days ago he went out of his way to say he loved me and now doesn't at all. That really hurts more than anything else. I just am wondering if it is worth working on or if I am being to positive about what the outcomes are going to be. I know he believes marriage is serious and a lifetime thing- or at least he did. And he has said I am not saying for you to leave. I am making him dinner tonight and have asked what he wants to do- we are going to just sit at home and watch a movie which we used to do alot of. Part of me says to blow him off and let him come to me but than that is the problem I wasn't giving him enough of my time before. Please help...........

Thanks for the advice. I did make a list for him of what I thought were things I needed to change and that I saw were missing in the relationship after we got married. Don't get me wrong I flat out asked if he wanted me out and he said no. He called to say I don't want to hurt you on the phone and that he has been under major stress at work which I can see. I think me spending lots of time with him and showing physical and verbal affection towards him makes him feel better about himself and relives stress he has. My husband also I think has low self esteem because he is oevrweight- he is around 300 or so pounds but yet I find him attractive but I guess not showing this to him makes his self esteem less. I plan on continuing to spend time with him- I feel better already by increasing time spent togther and showing nonverbal signs of affection. He says that I say I love him but don't show it. That to him they are just words. And that this is what led to the spark in our marriage diminishing. I am going to show him what I am missing and give him also what he is-because we both want the same thing more cuddling, more time together, more sex, just more time showing each other what we mean to each other. I am willing to also do counseling, start going to church, etc. So if for some reason he does decide to end it that I know I will have given it my all. I have told him that I am not going to quit and just walk away that there is something here worth saving. And I intend to give it my 100%. Men out there what are the number one things that you want besides sex from a woman in order to feel loved and cared for?

I have to say that yes I am missing not having the intimacy to. Sex, hand holding, cuddling. When we got together and even after we were married he used to be a total romantic, now it's like he doesn't have to "win" or try anymore because the ring is on my finger and the papers signed. My husband travels around 5-6 days a month with his work and yes that does put a strain on the relationship. Also he is chained to his cell phone all day long. I mean by this that he takes phone calls when we are out to eat, on vacation, etc. His job requires this but I still feel like I am fighting for his attention sometimes. I have been with him for three years- married for over a year now. No kids just furry kids. I work at a homeless shelter for youth (13-20 yr olds)as a caseworker/ fill in supervisor a high stress job. and when I get off work I need time to destress which my husband doesn't understand that I often have to discharge youth when they don't follow their case plans knowing they are on the streets. He things they should get what they deserve- that they don't always deserve second chances. more than often the kids are the way they are because of the way they were raised. So after work I need an hour to myself and of course I have told him this but he still feels he needs attention around that time. I have youth and parents wanting my attention and time all day so I need a break. So far since the dreaded phone call of what he wasn't happy about we have been civil to each other and I have spent time giving him hugs and just being around, etc. I guess time will tell. I have to agree that it shouldn't be one sided though because marriage is a team effort and he is not perfect either. He has his faults. And we have discussed now in writing what we both want to change with each other so hopefully we can get over this bump in the road and be stronger as a couple in the end. Thanks for the advice.

My husband recently told me that he feels he needs more intimacy. He feels that for the past six months or so he feels as if we are roomates not married. I have to admit with working full time and going to college full time that I often do not give him the attention he needs. I feel bad now and am fearful that the marriage will be over. What can I do ? I have given him a list of things I need to work on in the marriage and that I want to change because I love him dearly. He states he doesn't want to hurt me but that now he has lost that spark and that he can't say he loves me now. Just four days ago he did. I look back and many times- more than I can count he asked to cuddle or spend time togther and I was to busy. Also he snores so I often can't sleep with him I stay in the spare bedroom. Yes I know this is bad. And sex- I feel like he hasn't been giving me enough intimacy either so our sex life has been next to none the past six months or longre. He states he doesn't want to be in a marriage that feels like a roomate situation. I understand this and don't think I was happy either with the way things were- I know I wasn't. I just am afraid that he will give up. I have suggested marriage counseling and he says we will talk about it. I am fearing that talk. The way I found out how he felt was I knew something was up when he was gone on business so I asked him. He states he doesn't want to hurt me and cares about me greatly, but why can't he say I love you anymore. That hurts the most. He says he wants to talk and give me a chance to change but that he fears I will start ignoring him again or just that we will fall back into a rut like before. I am willing to try though because I now we had and still have something worth saving. We don't yell or scream and can talk ok with each other. I told him I didn't know that me not spending time or showing intimacy had such an effect on him- he thinks I should have seen it. He says he wants to give me a chance and not kick me out or get a divorce but that if things don't change that he will get intimacy elsewhere. What can I do besides what I am already doing? I made a list of things I thought were missing in the relationshiop and wanted to change- not just him but both of us wanted these things. And appoligized for not being there when he needed me and that I would not rush to mention divorce like in the past when things got rocky.