kdpodus

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. I'm 25 and she is 24. About a month ago, we took a break from our relationship because we were having some issues that we needed to think about. In addition, she was (and still is) tied up in all sorts of very unfortunate family conflicts. A couple of weeks later, we both realized that we missed each other and that if we really wanted to help our relationship, then we would have to work the issues our together. After all, relationship issues cannot be helped if two people run away from each other. This is her first serious relationship, while this is my third. She has had several 2-week to 1-month sexual relationships, but never any serious ones. Our main problem is that we are simply in different places in our ability to handle intimacy. We get along amazingly, but whenever we get into situations where we have to become vulnerable, she shuts down. This has mostly affected our physical relationship; basically, I make love, she has intercourse. We used to have sex all the time, but she would never respond well to affectionate physical advances. She likes to be dominated, controlled, and "taken." Trust me, I like to do that – sometimes – but that's ALL she wants. She doesn't respond to truly intimate sex. Whenever I say "I love you" during sex, she doesn't say anything. Whenever I try to look her in the eyes, she closes her eyes and looks away. When I tried to talk about it with her, she said that she has never had meaningful sex before. She said she would have sex just to have it, not even because she liked it. She says about her previous relationships, "he wanted to have sex with me, so I let him have sex with me." She was sexually active in high school, too, (orgies in her basement, etc.), but never actually had sex. Anyways, how can I be aggressive an dominate in bed when I don't even feel like I'm part of the moment??? I feel like a masturbation tool for her. Why not just remove me from the situation and replace me with, say, a sex toy?? As of now, we are not having sex. We cuddle and things like that, but we don't have any serious intimate contact, and she doesn't like to talk about. Talking about it would require her to become vulnerable, so she is shutting down. I know she has sexual desires, but her fear of emotional vulnerability so strong that actually being physically intimate is just too overwhelming for her. Our problem is not necessarily about the sex - it's about the communication. We talk about openly discuss our personal issues, except this one. Whenever the topic comes up, she says, "Well, you know I'm having problems in that area." When we don't talk about our issues, I don't feel like her boyfriend anymore. I don't feel like a partner to her, which is what adult relationships should be about. In fact, I feel kind of like I've been fooled – like I've been tricked into longing for something that was never there to begin with. Whereas I thought intimacy was about love for her, I now realize that it may be about something entirely different. I feel a space forming between us, and I'm not okay with that. It's starting to spill over into other parts of our relationship – it's often makes me generally insecure about our relationship, the I get irrational and jealous about stupid things. Sometimes I get clingly, reacting to being robbed of ways to express myself to her. It's like her sudden fear of intimacy has created a vacum, and we're just floating around in the empty space. I love her dearly, and I don't want this to tear our relationship apart. And while I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing, I know that if we don't commit to talking about these issues regularly, it will choke the life right out of our relationship. It's so easily fixed, and that's why I'm so frustrated. Any advice??

Go to your mom. Or, go to the police. That man is sick, and it can only get worse. MOST IMPORTANTLY, do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from that dangerous situation. If you can tell your mom, do so. Then go to the police.

Hi there. I've been thinking, and I'm getting frustrated. Anyone who reads this, please respond. However, I'm especially looking for some of the women to opine, please. I've posted here before about my breakup. I was with my ex for 3.5 years. The background is too involved to explain within any reasonable amount of time. The only quick note I can give you is that she wanted to break up because she was unhappy, and didn't know why. If you want some info on it, see my previous post: link removed I haven't initiated any contact with her except for a letter that I gave her that expressed the difficulty I will have remaining "friends" with her. I thought this was fair. She has tried to remain friends with all of her ex's. She often IM's me after I get home from work to say hello and what not. She always says that she is frustrated and depressed that she can't find a job. However, if I ask her if she's happy, she says yes. Confusing. After giving myself some time to think about everything that happened, I've come to the conclusion that, despite all of the reasons she gave for wanting to end the relationship ["I've changed," "it's just not working," "it's all about you" (which is a lie) etc], she essentially left me for her ex-boyfriend. She said the rekindled feelings for her ex crept up out of nowhere after we broke up (within 3-4 weeks), which I don't believe. I wrote this in the letter. She didn't reject the idea. As a child of an alcoholic, she is a pro at evading taking responsibility for her own feelings. Here's the problem. Her ex-boyfriend (now boyfriend, I suppose) is basically stuck in the same place he was in when he left high school a bit over 4 years ago. HE broke up with HER when he was 17 because he wanted to date other people. OK, that's cool. That's what you do when you're 17. She was 18 at the time, and starting college. About 7 months after they broke up, her and I started dating and remained together for 3.5 years. She is now 22; I'm 23, and he's about to turn 21. The problem is this: he never got over her, because he improperly associates his choices with the effects they have had on his life. After he broke up with my ex, he dated other girls, for a little while, but always broke up with them. He got into a bunch of trouble with the law, got kicked out of school, slipped into depression and started smoking pot (amongst other drugs, on occasion) like it was going out of style. On top of it, he is a colossal disappointment to his parents. From that point on, he has not been able to maintain a decent relationship with anyone more than 2-3 years younger than him. He has not been able to hold a steady job (unless he works for his parents), and he keeps dropping out of the college classes (1 class at a time) in which he enrolls. What it all boils down to is that his life went into the crapper shortly after they broke up, but NOT BECAUSE THEY BROKE UP. His existence is anchored in a fallacy. He has separated his life into two parts. Part I includes the great girl and prosperous path to success. Part II includes the loss of the girl (self-inflicted), depression, and self-medication through the use of narcotics, which, to my knowledge, has not stopped. Ever since they broke up the first time (4 years ago), he's been telling her that he can't seem to find a girl that is quite as wonderful as she was. He's also been saying that his life was good when they were together. On the other side, we have my ex: her life isn't going as planned either. She didn't do as well as she wanted in college (but graduated), can't find a job, and now she's having a hard time meeting the expectations she set for herself when she started college. I bet having her ex (who is certainly in a much worse place than she) pining over her is pretty nice. What better way to feel better about your lot in life than to surrender yourself to the idea that your high school sweetheart has flushed his life down the toilet over his guilt for breaking up with you, and the only way to make things right again is to get back together. I'm sorry, but that is a bunch of B.S. I'm sure it feels really nice to have someone appear to be head over heels for you. Actually, I'm sure it's intoxicating. But is that real love?? I don't think so. It's some diseased and juvenile form of love. Real love is sticking by someone no matter what. Real love is being able to face the problems of life together, to run from them. Real love enhances two people…it does not inflate one's ego, while saving the other's life. She said that she's "not in the business of saving people." But, one does not have to use that particular language to subscribe to the philosophy. It's almost as if they have both found a new "drug": being in love. Only it's not love. They are both running from reality and stuffing their heads in the sands of their infatuation. It's an emotional co-dependency waiting to happen. I feel like saying, "Fine, if you want to walk backwards and fall into the arms of your loser ex, go for it!" But, at the same time, I don't want to say anything of the sort. I always told her that I loved her and that I would never give up on her. In fact, I haven't said anything. I've pretty much faded into the background of her life, and I don't say anything…ever. I just watch. Pardon my frustration. I feel like I've been dropped like a bad habit. I beg for your comments on anything I've written if you have the time…but if you were to address anything, please answer me this: I mean really, how long can they possibly last?

Juno17, I don't know you, or why you are feeling this way. But, I do know that there is nobody that wants to see you hurt yourself. And I do know that there are people out there that do care. You're not alone in this world. It does you no good to hear morale boosters from all of us at this point in time. So, I wont give you any. But I will say that all you have to do is walk up to your parents (yes, they DO care about you), or your friends, or someone you look up to, and say "Hey, I need help." There are few words in this world more attention-grabbing (in a positive way) than those. [/b]

Whether or not you choose to leave your boyfriend is based completely on how much more you are willing to put in, and how much you will feel like you will get out. If your boyfriend is in such bad shape, it might be good for you to leave the relationship. This doesn't mean that you have to give up on him, but at the same time, it doesn't mean that you need to be an emotional slave to him. Of course, he doesn't intend to do this. MD is a disease, and he literally can't help it. But he has a lot of basic needs that he must learn to fulfill on his own, without your help. And, it's ok if you step back and say "this is too much for me to deal with." Also, about "Brian..." Now, I don't know you, let alone what you are like...but, it might not be a good idea to just jump into a relationship with another guy so soon. True, your current relationship is in terrible shape, but it is a relationship nevertheless. Ending it will leave you with residual feelings that will carry into the next one. Allow those feelings to come to a resolution first. I hope everything works out for you.

This is the first time I'm actually asking for advice, so here it goes. There's two things: BTW, If you need background on my story, see this post: link removed Frist, we never really had a clean break. There are a lot of strings left dangling, and quite frankly, the wound is still glistening. I feel like it would help me if I sent a letter to my ex just to explain how I feel. She wants to remain friends, and the letter just says a few simple things about my feelings on that. I basically says that I think I could do that one day, but right now it's just too hard for me. While it seems like a good idea now, will she just consider it a form of emotional blackmail?? Second, I have something of hers that she wants back. Should I mail it to her, or bring it to her house? I thought I had the answers to these questions, but now I'm not so sure. I guess I'm just trying to make sure I don't do anything stupid. Thanks for your advice.

Katie, I don't know you personally. But, believe it or not, by saying "I have a BIG problem," you are a step ahead of yourself. Let's see if you can't get caught up with the rest of yourself. Bottom line: you need to see a therapist. If you are in school, go see the social worker or the psychologist. If you are not in school, go to a community center where therapists are available. As far as I know, you will not have to pay for it, nor will they tell your friends or family about you seeing them. They are bound by a confidentiality policy. Don't try to go through this alone. There is something larger at work here, and you need help. But you know what??? That's ok. Keep us posted.

I know you didn't ask for advice or anything, but I couldn't help but reply again. I apologize for that. You can take this however you like. It is natural to be concerned about those close to you, especially when they are basically self-destructing. And I know that you said that you aren't in the business of saving people. But, do you perhaps feel, in some twice-removed way, that you can save him? I've seen plenty of people slip into drug use after they break up, only to profess sometime later that they regret breaking up. The implied message then becomes, "I was happy when we were a couple. Now I use drugs to cover up my guilt for breaking up." I don't know if they are trying to explain the depression they are in; or if they are, in a subconscious way, hoping that the other person will think "oh, he must have missed me, and if we get back together, we can be happy again," which is another form of the "saving" mentality...just with a different face. Again, I'm not saying this is the case. In fact, I'm probably totally wrong. I was just curious.

Hey, Megz8. You and your boyfriend are going through some tough times, and obviously your falling for his friend is evidence of that. It seems that the root of the problem is that your needs aren't being met anymore. After 3 years, a lot of things about your relationship will change. I don't know how cordially or unlovingly he's treating you, but it may be a sign that your love for each other is changing. Perhaps he feels like there are some things that he cant do for you that he once could. You have to ask yourself this question: "What do I really need out of this relationship?" But, you have to REALLY ask yourself. Do you want that love that you had when you first fell in love with each other? Because that love is gone. Do you want that guy you first fell in love with? Because that guy is gone. Do you want the same relationship you had when you first started dating? Because that relationship is gone. And you know what? That's OK. But if you want to continue what you have, you have to explain what needs you have that aren't being met. You have to literally say "I need you to do ____, because when you don't, it makes me feel _____." Be very clear, and direct with what you need. Don't leave room for ambiguity. If you don't know what you need, tell him that you don't know...instead of asking him to fulfill needs that you may or may not actually have. The only reason I say this is because your falling for your friend might just be a reaction to you feeling unloved by your current boyfriend. All you want is to be happy...now tell him what you need to be happy. If he still doesn't give it to you, then it may be time to end it. But I agree with the others: going for his friend is not a good idea because 1) it will damage their friendship, and 2) there's no telling that this guy will replace what's missing, or if he will just allow you to fall in love with being in love again. Oi Vay! Dont worry Megz. You'll be fine.

While there's no evidence to show that one can become chemically addicted to marijuana (like heroin, cigarettes, even caffiene, etc), it has been proven that marijuana carries the possibility of a psychological addiction. It's hard to say when someone is addicted, but, if someone has been smoking 4 times a week for the last two years, there seems to be an obvious dependency. So, yes, I would say that your friend is addicted. Is he depressed? Maybe he's self-medicating through marijuana. What's his life like in general? Do you have a relationship with him? You say that you've "noticed things." I'm not sure what that means, but the things you notice could indicate addiction. BUT, HEY, don't listen to me. I just read up on it and got some information. Check the government websites from the UK or the USA. They have some links to legitimate studies about marijuana use and addiction.

Thanks you for all of the replies. I'm grateful that you all decided to read such a long post. Thanks. AND, I'm new to this sight, so I wasn't sure if I should've posted a reply to the original string of messages, or simply start a new thread. So, if I'm flooding the system, I apologize. I sent her a very short email today telling her that I will always be there to support her if she needs it. I got no response, but then again, I didn't expect to get one. And, by the way, I'm not one of those people that floods the other with phone calls, emails, and such; if for any other reason than I simply don't have the time ). She has mentioned that every time she talks to me she feels guilty – "I feel guilty for being me," as she puts it – which concerns me. She says that's why she takes 3-4 days to return calls. Perhaps this is because I've sounded really bummed lately. Since that day we talked on the phone (those of you who read my post know what I'm talking about) to totally end things, I haven't tried to contact her – except for the email I sent her today. I don't think she's a coward by any means. But, I do think that she/we is/are going through many difficult things right now, and she/we might not be handling the situation as we otherwise might in a less stressful time. I just hope that she doesn't end up smoking pot like ALAN. Don't get me wrong…I've met him before and he seems to be nice guy. He's just reckless. And, it seems like his drug use is bound to get in the way of any sort of relationship they might have together. He's not just an occasional user (I know plenty of fine people that light up on occasion)…he smokes several times per week, every week. The question then becomes "pot?" or "you?" Anyway, I digress. He's been telling her for months that his life was so much better when they were together, and he was happy then, and he made a mistake, etc. He also said that he was happy that she was happy, and that he would never try anything out of respect for our relationship. It all sounds fine, but I think there's something else to it. It's a strong possibility that CORA might be having these feelings for ALAN in an effort to rocket her own self-esteem. But, ALAN is definitely looking for some kind of familiarity. His own discourse tells the story: "I was happy when we were together." Enough said. The agenda cannot be hidden. His motivations can be boiled down to a simple syllogism, and the hidden premise sticks out like a giraffe in a convenience store. He wants CORA to complete it for him. I'm sure he knows how much she hates to let others down (because she will feel bad if she does). Now, I could be wrong about all of this, but it seems as if he is preying on that characteristic of hers (I, too, have the characteristic). Saying things like "My life was good then," etc seems like borderline manipulation and emotional abuse. He never actually says "And it would be good again if we were together," but he doesn't have to. He KNOWS that she will fill in the missing premise. And, again, maybe I'm totally off base on that, but it seems plausible nevertheless. Things have been ok for me. I don't understand what she's doing right now. But, that doesn't really matter, I suppose. I just told her that I would always be there for her if she needs me and that's that. The hope is slowly fading, but I'm having trouble letting it go. Maybe this will help. I took a couple of new work friends out for lunch today, and it was fun. I insisted on paying for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to express that I'm grateful for having been able to work with such fine people, and two, it made me feel good to pay. They insisted that they pay me back, but I refused, and kept saying, "no, it's my treat, really." Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. As of now, I don't really care. Thanks all! Reply if you have time. I will peruse the board and reply to a few as well.

Thanks you for all of the replies. I'm grateful that you all decided to read such a long post. Thanks. I sent her a very short email today telling her that I will always be there to support her if she needs it. I got no response, but then again, I didn't expect to get one. And, by the way, I'm not one of those people that floods the other with phone calls, emails, and such; if for any other reason than I simply don't have the time She has mentioned that every time she talks to me she feels guilty – "I feel guilty for being me," as she puts it – which concerns me. She says that's why she takes 3-4 days to return calls. Perhaps this is because I've sounded really bummed lately. Since that day we talked on the phone (those of you who read my post know what I'm talking about) to totally end things, I haven't tried to contact her – except for the email I sent her today. I don't think she's a coward by any means. But, I do think that she/we is/are going through many difficult things right now, and she/we might not be handling the situation as we otherwise might in a less stressful time. I just hope that she doesn't end up smoking pot like ALAN. Don't get me wrong…I've met him before and he seems to be nice guy. He's just reckless. And, it seems like his drug use is bound to get in the way of any sort of relationship they might have together. He's not just an occasional user (I know plenty of fine people that light up on occasion)…he smokes several times per week, every week. The question then becomes "pot?" or "you?" Anyway, I digress. He's been telling her for months that his life was so much better when they were together, and he was happy then, and he made a mistake, etc. He also said that he was happy that she was happy, and that he would never try anything out of respect for our relationship. It all sounds fine, but I think there's something else to it. It's a strong possibility that CORA might be having these feelings for ALAN in an effort to rocket her own self-esteem. But, ALAN is definitely looking for some kind of familiarity. His own discourse tells the story: "I was happy when we were together." Enough said. The agenda cannot be hidden. His motivations can be boiled down to a simple syllogism, and the hidden premise sticks out like a giraffe in a convenience store. He wants CORA to complete it for him. I'm sure he knows how much she hates to let others down (because she will feel bad if she does). Now, I could be wrong about all of this, but it seems as if he is preying on that characteristic of hers (I, too, have the characteristic). Saying things like "My life was good then," etc seems like borderline manipulation and emotional abuse. He never actually says "And it would be good again if we were together," but he doesn't have to. He KNOWS that she will fill in the missing premise. And, again, maybe I'm totally off base on that, but it seems plausible nevertheless. Things have been ok for me. I don't understand what she's doing right now. But, that doesn't really matter, I suppose. I just told her that I would always be there for her if she needs me and that's that. The hope is slowly fading, but I'm having trouble letting it go. Maybe this will help. I took a couple of new work friends out for lunch today, and it was fun. I insisted on paying for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to express that I'm grateful for having been able to work with such fine people, and two, it made me feel good to pay. They insisted that they pay me back, but I refused, and kept saying, "no, it's my treat, really." Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. As of now, I don't really care. Thanks all! Reply if you have time. I will peruse the board and reply to a few as well.

About a week ago, my girlfriend (we'll call her CORA) and I broke up. We were together for 3.5 years. I'm 23 years old, and she is 22 years old. We both just graduated from college. I've been browsing this sight, and I think posting here might be helpful for me. This is going to be long, so I must thank you in advance for deciding to read on. I met CORA at the start of my sophomore year of college (August 1999), while she was a freshman. I was a radio talk show host for my community college at the time and she was assigned to be on production team/panel for my show. Hence, our history together began. She had broken up with her boyfriend of 1.5 years from high school 3 months before (we'll call him ALAN), and she dated a couple of dead-end guys after that, and before we began dating. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend of 4 years four months before. I immediately took notice of her intriguing personality, seemingly carefree spirit and, not to mention, she was (and still is) beautiful in every way. She later admitted that she was smitten from the moment she laid eyes on me (and heard me speak), as we sat in Studio A for the first time together. She said that she was floored by my confidence, appearance, and intelligence. Of course, I was flattered, because I tend to see myself as having none of these characteristics…at least not in the droves that she saw. While she intrigued me from the start, my romantic feelings for her began to develop maybe a month later. I began to realize what an amazing person she was…simply incredible. She was/is sweet, smart, funny, free, and gorgeous (Irish blonde with bright blue eyes that would bring warring countries to peace). We simply hung out together for about three months before we both expressed our feelings for each other. During that time, we got to know each other very well. One day, in November, we divulged all of the feelings we had for each other. That same day, I took her out to dinner, a movie, and for a walk in a city park. It was near Christmas (28 November 1999), so it was chilly, snowing, and drop-dead romantic. We kissed that night under the lighted decorations, and a faded moon peppered with gently falling snowflakes, using the moment to keep each other warm. Over the next few months, I fell in love with her, and she with me. We were extremely happy. Both of us were planning on transferring to the same university. I was planning on attending the coming fall, while she was planning on arriving the following semester. Amazingly, we had both planned on transferring to the same university before we met each other. This remedied any fears we had about us "following each other" at the expense of our own desires. When the fall came, I left for ISU, and she stayed at Harper College for one more semester. During that one semester that we were apart, we worked very hard to keep our relationship strong. She applied for the art program and was turned down. This was very difficult for her, but I was there for her when it happened, and she decided to go with her second academic love: communication. It was difficult, but hundred of hours of phone conversations, and pages upon pages of letters later, we made it. We made it, but things were different when she arrived. We had to sort of reinvent parts of our relationship. We had not been around each other much for 4 months. During the time we were apart, she often became frustrated with the suddenly changed and lessened amount of communication between us. She had fears of me meeting some sophisticated college girl, or me simply losing interest in her. She felt that she was smothering me in some way. In all reality, I missed her more than I could say, and I was trying desperately to balance a new environment, lots of homework, and our relationship without it all tumbling down. She began talking heavily with the one high school friend that was still living back home (we'll call him JIM). They talked about everything: what was going on between her and I, where life was heading, etc. If anything made me nervous, it was this JIM. However, he became infatuated with her, and started professing his undying love for her. Naturally, this freaked her out a bit because they had been very good friends all through high school. I should note that she maintains the same very close-knit group of friends that she had from high school. JIM is part of that group, and so is ALAN (her ex). She said that she was afraid of losing JIM as a friend, felt that she would lose his friendship if she simply told him to stop pursuing her, and did not know what to do. I should also note that JIM, at the same time, had broken up with his girlfriend (we'll call her IRINA), who is also part of their close-knit group of friends, and, not to mention, my girlfriend's best friend. At about the 10-month mark, it came to the point where my girlfriend admitted that she had begun to have feelings for JIM. This is where the problems started for us. She said that he complimented her, and schmoozed her, and gave her the same fuzzy, Cloud 9 feeling that we had when we first began dating. In some ways, she was addicted to his schmoozing, yet she loved me, and she was best friends with JIM's ex. My natural reaction was to try and give her the same thing. She suggested that we take a break from our relationship. This was devastating for me, as my ex had cheated on me several times, and used the "let's take a break" thing to justify it. I was angry and sad. I thought "Sure, lets take a break, so you can go and fall in love with this guy and I'll never see you again." I protested with my actions, but I never said that. Our break lasted two or three weeks, during which time, she told JIM that this infatuation could not continue. I was ecstatic when the break was over, and in some ways it felt like we were falling in love again. We had also been slapped with the realization that there was obviously something amiss with us and we needed to work on it. We tried our best to recognize what we needed out of the relationship, and set out upon trying to honor and fulfill each other's needs once again. However, things with JIM were still smoldering, and it soon began to show. The rest of the semester went ok, but JIM was still pursuing her. Over the summer break, he began to lay it on heavy once again. This time, though, she gave into his schmoozing, and they had sex. She claims it lasted all of five minutes, before she stopped it. She told me about it, and I was very angry and hurt inside. She came to me, and simply said, "I'm sorry." She didn't say anything else, but she didn't have to. The tears in her eyes, and the look of sheer humiliation on her face said "I'm sorry" ten-thousand times. I simply held her, and said "It's ok, I love you." I held her tighter than I had ever held her before, because I felt like she was mine again. Without any struggle, or protest, her and JIM never addressed each other romantically again. Once again, at the 1.5-year mark (nearly two-years, on the mark, before we broke up) we were in a honeymoon phase, again. We began to fall in love all over again…again. We went back to ISU in the fall. I got an apartment, and she had a new roommate. Things seemed to be going very well. However, she repeatedly said that "there's something wrong." I would say "Can you tell me what you feel?" And she would say, "I feel like you're a different person. Like you are not the same guy anymore." Truth be told, no, I wasn't. Neither of us were the same people were before. Lots of things had happened in the past 1.5 years. On numerous occasions we talked about it. And on all of those occasions I would ask, "What is it that you feel is missing? What do you need? And how would you like me to meet it?" It's my belief that relationships are all about mutually recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling each other's needs. And I wanted to make sure that this happened. However, when I asked her these questions, I got one or all of a few answers. Either she said, "If I have to tell you, we have a problem" (which is a cop-out), or "I want the old you back," or "I just want you to be you." Usually, with my persistence, the responses came in exactly that order. The only problem is, I don't know what she means by "I want the old you back," or "I just want you to be you," which is really the same as thing as the first. It's also my belief that needs in a relationship must be clearly stated and realistic. None of her usual responses fit this description, and if I asked her to clarify, she would say "I don't know," or "I just want you to talk to me," or "I want the man I fell in love with," or the good 'ol "If I have to tell you, we have a problem." Great, more ambiguity. But, this seemed to be the best that she could do, so I tried and tried to meet those needs. She also tried and tried to make sure that things were happy again. We would have these talks, both do what we thought was the best way to meet each other's needs, and things would seem O.K. However, we would find ourselves having the same conversation every few months, and continuing the cycle. We would talk, try to work things out, and things would seem good for another 3 or four months. Finally, at about the 3-year mark, she began talking to her high school ex, ALAN, again. Remember ALAN? I guess I should give a quick history of this guy. He is one year younger than her, and they began dating while they were in high school (she was a senior, he was a junior). They dated for 1.5 years, during which time they broke up four times. Apparently, they were always getting into screaming and insult matches. ALAN's life had really started to go down the crapper after they broke up (he broke up with her to experiment with other women). He got himself into some big trouble at the end of his senior year and was expelled. He was forced to finish at an alternative school. After that, he got into partying hard…drinking a lot, smoking pot, etc. Once he got busted for possession, another time for something else (??), and ran into an old guy crossing the street (granted, not his fault). Since he finished high school, his life has consisted of smoking pot, partying, working dead-end jobs….and…pining over my girlfriend! He says that his life was good when he was with her, and that he is still in love with her…this 4 years later, mind you. Anyhoo, they began hanging out more regularly again about 6-8 months ago. He would come down to ISU to see her, and she would see him when she went home. It's been about 5-6 months since he started professing his unrequited love for her again. He never, to my knowledge, and my girlfriend told me all about it, said that he wanted to get back with her. But, come on, I wasn't born yesterday. His agenda was clear. Naturally, given what happened between JIM and her, I was a bit worried. Not only is he a close "friend" of hers pining over her, he's also an ex-boyfriend, which changes everything. At the same time that they began hanging out again, I had to go back home for a semester to student-teach (January). She was still at ISU. When I left in January, things were hard for us, and I was always coming to her with the problems with my student teaching, and how I wished that I could just come back to ISU to be with her again. It was trying very hard to balance the unbelievable demands associated with my student teaching, and our relationship. I missed her all the time, and all I could think about ditching the student-teaching running back to ISU. She was very supportive of my struggles, but she felt that she wasn't being given the chance to share her struggles. She was having a very hard time with her classes, and she was afraid of failing some of them, and hence, afraid of not graduating. She was also worried about not being able to find a job when she graduated. Needless to say, her confidence was very low. As she puts it, one of her professor's said, "How is your boyfriend's student teaching going?" And she said "Not good. I'm kind of his cheerleader right now." And he said "Well, who's your cheerleader?" During the last week of February, CORA's grandmother passed away. Two weeks later, my father was killed in a car accident. We were both dealing with (and still are) some heavy grief, and some heavy stress. I comforted her as best I could, and she comforted me as best she could. After that, I simply couldn't handle student teaching anymore, and I moved back into my apartment at ISU. I planned on doing my student teaching again in the fall while we were both back home. We are now at 3 years and four months!!! We were both very happy about me coming back to ISU. We thought it would give us a chance to calm down, and reconnect. We wanted to share our pain and help ourselves through it. I wasn't sure how to feel about my dad's death, and as a result, she felt that I was stuffing my grief, and not talking to her about it. I didn't talk much about it, because I didn't know what I was feeling. She felt like she spent so much time trying to get me to open up to her, that she never got a chance to open herself up to me. However, I wanted her to open up to me at the same time. I know that sounds confusing. What seemed to be her biggest problem was trying to pass all of her classes. She had several big papers and projects due, and little time to finish them. So, I told that I would write the papers so that she could focus on her big project and her exams. For three weeks, my apartment turned into an academic production facility. She was on her laptop at my kitchen counter, and I was on my computer right next to the counter, and we were both churning out her work. I wrote two big philosophy papers, and a bunch of micro-essays. In between that, I was giving her feedback on her project, per her request. During the down times, we would watch TV together, or I would make her dinner…just so she wouldn't have to worry about going out and getting food (a couple of times, she made dinner for me, too, which was nice). During this time, she was still talking to ALAN about her feelings with our relationship, how her grandmother's death is affecting her, how my father's death was affecting our relationship, how she feels inadequate with her school work and her job situation (the same stuff she talked about with me), and also trying to deal with his sudden expression of his unrequited love for her. The last part really bothered her. We would always talk about it, and she would say that she doesn't understand why he's doing this after 4 years of being broken up, and that she's confused about it, and how much better I am in comparison to him, so why doesn't he just give it up, etc. Based off what she said, she viewed him as a good friend that's a mostly loser that needs to get over their past relationship, and stop flushing his life down the toilet. And she would also tell me that she's lucky that she "has a guy with a good head on his shoulder's and a good future." All of her friends would tell her that I'm "a much better catch" than ALAN. All of ALAN's friends, of course, would say that, "he's not as bad of a guy as you think he is," and "He really loves you, you know." In May, she graduated. She passed the classes for which I wrote the papers and essays, which allowed her to focus on her other classes, which she passed. We both moved back home (BTW, we live 10-15 minutes from each other). As a sort of honor to my father, I threw myself into all of the big projects around our house that he always wanted to do. She started looking for a job, and reconnecting with friends. She was/is feeling very very down about not having a job. She feels totally inadequate, because none of her expectations of what life would be like after college have come to fruition. So, she feels like a failure to herself, and in her parents' eyes. Not to mention, she had been ragging on her sister's case for months about her desire to move out of the house, and much to everyone's surprise, her sister was able to do it! Which made her feel even worse, because now she is really on the bottom of the "success scale." I've always told her not to worry because "the market is crappy right now," and she will find something eventually. And when an employer does find her, they will be lucky to have her. And whenever she got turned down for a job, I would tell her to "hang in there, because something will come up soon." She even asked me if she were to find a job that required her to transfer to another state, would I follow her. I said yes, because I can find a teaching job in any state. She has no idea where her life is going, or what happened to the life she expected she would have. On top of it all, she started to feel unhappy about our relationship again. So, in the first week of June, we had the same conversation all over again: "I'm not happy," and "I want the old you back," and "I just want you to be you." She says that she's felt like everything lately has been all about me, and not about her. She suggested that we take a break again. I agreed, because after 3.5 years, I was not ready to give up on it. Whatever it would take to make us work, I was willing to do it. I was getting worried, though, because I had a feeling that this "break" was more than it was. I felt like she was preparing for something bigger. It was just in the way she described it. It hurt like hell, but I agreed. Suddenly, our contact with each other dropped dramatically. I would call her (once, people, not 5 times a day like some psycho), and it would take her at least 3 days to call back. She said she still wanted to talk, though. So, when I would actually talk to her, I would sound kind of bummed, because I was bummed. She, however, seemed perfectly fine, and only got frustrated whenever I would bring up us. It seemed to me like she had a decision in mind already, and I felt like she was beating around the bush, so I asked her what exactly she was looking to do. And she said "Well, I guess I should be honest with you, because you're not going to like my answer, and there's no getting around it, so here it is. I'm leaning towards us being over. Done." Yet, she still said that she wasn't totally giving up on us. I tried to talk more, but I was getting emotional, and she just said, "I have to go. Bye." And that was that. I wanted to respect her decision, but I couldn't help but feel that she was running. Running from something she was afraid to admit to. I text messaged her just saying "Hello," and "Would you like to have lunch some day?" Three days later, she responded saying "Sure! Text me with a day and time that would be good for you." How cordial, thanks. So, we set a day and time, for three days later. We went to a hot dog place and tried to have lunch. Truthfully, the whole situation made me feel like vomiting on my shoes, so I just order a small milk shake. She got lunch. I paid. She asked me why I paid and I said, "Because this might be the last time I get to do it." She smiled that half-"aw, thanks," half-"oh shit" smile. She was beautiful, and it made love her even more, while at the same time, made me sad…which only made the urge to puke even stronger. Casual conversation lasted all but a few seconds, when I asked her "Have you thought about us at all?" She said, "I've been trying not to think about much of anything lately. Just exercising, looking for a job, and hanging out." She said that she went to a friends wedding and took her ex, ALAN (remember ALAN?) and that she went to a concert with ALAN (do we see a pattern forming here?). I couldn't help it, so I asked, "Have you met someone else?" She had a blank look on her face, put down her hot dog and said, "Is that really what you want to talk about?" Of course it is. So, we went out to her car to talk. I asked again, "Have you met someone else?" She said that she hasn't been thinking about that at all. I asked, vomit starting to pool in my stomach, "Are you and ALAN back together?" She said "No." She then said, "I feel free again. I feel like I'm back in control of my life again." That day, I wrote two letters. One told her how much I loved her, and how badly I wanted to make it work, if we could just try one more time. The other had a message on the envelope: "Open this only if you choose a different path." She said that she didn't want to open the second envelope, but we were still over (confusing). She said that she was standing at the fork of a road, and didn't know what path to take yet…but we were still over (again, confusing). I asked her what it was that made her unhappy, and what I could do to make her happy, and she said, "I don't know. It's not anybody's fault." She said that she doesn't know what will happen between us. "Well, who knows? Maybe, later on down the line, something will happen between us again," she said. "But you are still one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose that." She topped it off with the ever handy "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours forever." I believed what she said…about us, and about her possible feelings for someone else. I left the restaurant that day holding onto some diseased version of hope for us. Hoping. Three days later, yesterday, she opened the second envelope. "I just wasn't happy. And, I'm starting to have feelings for someone else," she said over the phone three hours after she opened the envelope. "Who is it?" I asked. She said, "It doesn't matter. Do you think it will make you feel better?" Of course not, but I wanted to know. "Yes, it's ALAN," she said. OK! Big freakin' surprise. I started crying, sitting with her on the phone, looking at the pictures on my walls, the cards on the shelves, the stuffed animals on my bed, the clothes in my closet, the box of notes from her, the emails, the cologne she got me for Christmas, and feeling the cool touch of the chain around my neck. Suddenly, it seemed to strangle me. "When did that start?" I asked. "Just recently. I don't know where these feelings came from, or where they will go, but the fact that I have them is a problem. It's not right that I miss you when I'm sitting right next to you." Yeah, I would say so. I felt lower than dirt, and I apologized for not being able to make her happy. I knew that she wouldn't be able to tell me, so I asked a broader question of her: "What is it that you need from a relationship? What would make you happy?" I had to ask. After 3.5 years, and up until a month ago, talking about the planning the future together, one deserves a good explanation as to why the other wants to end it for good. I got the most telling and honest answer out of her yet: "I don't know." Despite her desire to remain friends (and we see where staying friends with our exes gets us), we haven't spoken since. "I don't know." Therein lies the rub, in my opinion. She had very rigid, and somewhat unrealistic, goals for what life would be like after we got out of college. Now, nothing is measuring up. No job, no car, no apartment, no money of her own. She is back to square one, and she feels like crap. Again, she feels totally inadequate about her position in life, despite encouragement from other people, including me. And when most things are going badly, everything seems to be going badly. Even relationships that really aren't all that bad, and could be so wonderful with just a little HONEST work. My point is this: she has slowly been slipping into a state of unhappiness for the past two years due to a number of different things (school, jobs, other people, self-image, etc). She blames it on our relationship, saying that she tried and tried to make it work for so long, and it won't. She says that now she feels free and back in control of her life. It seems quite the opposite to me. All of the things that she said she was unhappy with before we broke up are still in place. She still has no job, she still lives at home, she still has no car, and she still doesn't have a clue where life is taking her. She's scared to death, and she has little control over her life right now, because she doesn't know where it is heading. I understand those feelings, but that doesn't mean that our relationship was the harvester of all her sorrow. As for ALAN, one cannot expect me to believe that she just recently started having feelings for him. Is it a coincidence that these feelings just happened to appear at the same time we were broke up? I think not. She always said that she was always doing all the work in the relationship. But I think that is a cop-out. She's still running. She's still refusing to take ownership for her own feelings and her own needs. I said it before, and I'll say it again; relationships are ALL about mutually recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling each other's needs. The beauty of a relationship comes from the dance of those three things, and the negotiations we make along the way in order to make sure that the dance never misses a step. She never could tell me what her needs were. People are not mind readers, and we are not supposed to be, and it's foolish from someone to expect her/his partner to be. If you have a need, then for God's sake, say…say it clearly, say it concretely, and demand that it be respected. I tried to give her what she needed, but I can't give her something that she can't even define for me. She said it herself "I don't know." She doesn't know what she wants…from me, from any relationship, from life…from anything. And now she's clinging to something familiar and personally uplifting. We have ALAN, a relatively unsuccessful guy, who falls somewhere on the bottom sector of the social totem poll; and he claims that he loves her more than life itself. Well, I have news for you. They dated in high school, fought all the time, and broke up just as often. He loves her??? My ass. I know I'm not the brightest guy in the world, and I can be pretty stupid sometimes, but I love her. I'm not confused, or unhappy about that at all. I suppose I'm guilty of the biggest crime, here. I never made CORA tell me exactly what she needed from me, and from our relationship. True, she never did this either, but then, neither did I. If she came back to me tomorrow, I would take her. Why? Because she's worth it. After three and a half years, you don't give up on a relationship without giving that last full measure of effort where you both summon the guts to admit to each other what it is that you need. You dont just hang it up because things got rough. Maybe she wants to cool down because she is scared of where her life will take her? Ok, that's cool, we'll slow down. Future talk scaring her? Ok, I can accept that. If we were to try again, I would demand that we ask ourselves to offer the level of honesty and clarity needed in order to make sure that we know what will make each other, and us, happy. I would gladly go to couples counseling…anything. But, then, who am I kidding? The truth is I miss her more than I can stand. My life goes on because it has to. I'm responsible for educational existence of 125 special needs students in the middle of a wealthy American suburb. Trust me, I can't stay in bed, because I have reasons to get up. But she wasn't just another girlfriend that you just get over. Right before her grandmother died, she left CORA her wedding rings, and said to melt them down and use them to make the engagement ring that I would give to her when the day comes. And CORA happily accepted. That was only four months ago. I want her to come home. I just want to understand. Comments, please please please. And thanks for reading that very long entry.