coldplay8

girl, you have to pick yourself up and at least try a date with someone else. it sounds like almost your whole life up until now has revolved around him. it sounds like at the heart of it, he wants to go out and see other people, but your history together and his not wanting to hurt you has him confused and not able to completely cut the ties. it sounds like he is trying to be honest with you. i also have been with someone for a looooong time (8 years) and am starting to believe that if you're not sure by then, it just isn't right. i am him in this situation. you have to ask yourself... why do you want to be with him forever? do you really love him? do you really think you will have a stable and secure and happy future? i mean, if he was planning to move away and didn't even have the courtesy to tell you first?! that says something to me... you need to get out there and meet other people. you might realize that there are many fish in the big sea. and i guarantee you that you may find someone who would treat you a whole lot better. life is too short for all that drama. i know it is hard and sad when you have so much history together. but honestly, to me, it sounds like that's all you have.

if you know in your heart what you want to do, then there is really nothing stopping you from doing it. i know where you are. it's very hard. it's hard to hurt someone you care about. but you have to take a step back and see that while you feel trapped, its up to you to make a change if you want it. time isn't gonna make it any easier. if she wants to try to work things out with you on an equal ground, then she definitely shouldn't be giving you ultimatums. it seems neither of you trust each other. and it doesn't seem she is trustworthy. honestly, it seems to me that she is trying to cover her bases. keeping all these guys in line just in case. it doesn't appear to me that she is completely dedicated to you. i say- do what YOU feel you need to do.

reading what you've written made me feel smothered myself. your situation is way beyond normal. a strip club a couple times, sharing notes at work, a dance at a wedding?!? these are nothing as far as i'm concerned. and i am a slightly demanding g-friend. i was in something similar myself a while ago. it's a miserable way to live. and it won't last. eventually you will get driven to the point where you can not take it anymore. it stems obviously from extreme insecurity. but holding you back will never guarantee you won't stray. it's really sad that more people can't recognize that. love & trust will keep someone more than control. well, i wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself either. i once walked away for a second to the other side of a car and talked to a male friend and a huge fight later errupted. i then woke up one day and realized how truly ridiculous the whole thing was. that isn't love. that is torture. i broke up with him, this issue was one of the reasons. we separated. he went away, broke down, but then came out of it all realizing he was strong enough on his own. he has totally changed and now is actually great to be around. he now recognizes how crazy it all really was and apologized. the problem isn't with you, it's with her. until she changes, there is little you can do to stop what is happening.

thanks for the advice so far guys... while i am getting older, and the pressures of society begin to bear down, it just gets more confusing. everything tells you that marriage is what u need, although rationally i know better. and not to sound snotty, but i'm a catch i could have been married several times. but am i waiting for the impossible? definite good vs. possible great? i guess that's the real question... but i guess nothing's definite huh? i realize that i'm really doing a lot of chatting with myself here

hello all. i am having a very hard time with a serious life decision. it is making me very depressed and sometimes i just feel like giving up altogether. i would truly appreciate any advice/opinions. here is my story, its long so i apologize but there are a lot of details to explain... i was in a relationship for 7 years. started when i was 21, he was 18. we were very in love. eventually jealousy, abuse and mistreatment snuck in. there were thousands of miles often separating us. but we stuck it out. about a year ago, after 6 1/2 years together, i got sick of many things. the efforts were just not being made anymore- we wouldn't talk for weeks unless i called. i didn't see what was the point, my life was passing me by as i waited for some undefined thing. i still loved him but i wasn't sure i was in love anymore and the future was so blurry. i was supposed to go visit him in 2 weeks but broke it off on the phone. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. he was devastated. said he had a ring and was going to ask me to marry him- its true. we talked it over for days but my mind was made up. the year continues. we don't talk due to my request. he has a real breakdown but eventually recovers to become a stronger, stable, happier person and one who recognized and apologized for what he had done to me over the years. we talked when he came to visit and fell back into something. he was obviously changed and i genuinely liked him again. i went to visit him for the holidays and after, so we started seeing each other again. ok... during our break, i met and fell in love with the love of my life. i believe he is a soulmate and someone i connect with on a level i never have with anyone in my life. we are now not together, but what i took from the relationship was a realization of what that kind of connection really felt like. i would have married him after 6 months and i'm not like that. we just completed each other. so... i have a decision to make. i know my ex/not ex loves me. and i love him. but when i think of him it seems to be a different kind of love. after 7 years, i still couldn't say that i would marry him right now. but he has changed and we get along much better. he wants to come stay with me for a few months soon. i would kind of like to see other people (but haven't told him). but i know it will kill him again. i know he would like to be with just me and get married. and i feel like i should give things with him a chance for at least a while. so has my love for him faded or does time just make things more 'comfortable' and like friends rather than lovers? should i accept a life with him, one in which i know he loves me and i love him (vs. in love), even if it is not the ultimate connection? or do i wait for a soulmate to come along again? i am getting older (just turned 30) and don't want to sit around waiting for the impossible for the rest of my life. at this point part of me thinks i should accept what i have and the other part thinks i need to trust my gut and wait until i feel it again, even if it takes another 20 years. people have told me different things. like they weren't completely sure when they walked down the aisle, that most people aren't. but after experiencing someone that i could say %100 yes to, I don't know how my heart can accept less? help! i am completely torn.

I have been in an interracial relationship for years and it's definitely not easy. When it comes down to it, not everyone is going to be happy. It is just the nature of the situation and one you'll have to accept to be together. I know it is very hard on her to be in that position. But if the love is real and worth it, she/you will have to take some chances. Usually parents come around (especially when grandkids come into the pic). Here's some inspiration for you, I have an Indian friend who has been with an African-American for some time. She was scared to tell her parents for a long while- many years. But they are now engaged and getting married soon and she faced her parents and they are accepting it. I have a father who very well may not accept my relationship when I decide to marry. And it will make things difficult, especially for my mother. But in the end, it is only your life, and you can not live it just to make everyone else happy.

i don't know about this. i tend to think if you have to analyze it so much, it might not be right. anytime i have had a true connection with someone, it just clicked. forcing feelings or thoughts just doesn't work. if you are questioning your attraction to someone, that's not a good sign. i don't think it's shallow. we are attracted to who we are. and when you do connect with someone on a higher level, they will be beautiful in your eyes regardless. i'd suggest relaxing for a bit. it seems as if you may be on the hunt a little bit for someone to like. but i think you will find that right connection when you least expect it...

girl, you got to chill, you're almost scaring me with all that call talk... i met a boy the other day and i liked him, he was cute, sweet and cool, and then the calling started... all the time, many times, at any time, "i want to see you all the time", etc. i bugged out. i'm sorry, but it's annoying. you feel like you can't make a move without having to report to this person. you need to work on your confidence level and pride in yourself. you need to be able to hear, "please don't call me" and say to yourself, "fine. his loss. i'm done." it may be hard, but PLEASE, have some respect for yourself and stop. even if he doesn't really mean it, do you want someone who finds it so easy to play with your head? i know it can be frustrating and heartbreaking when you love someone. you do things you never did before. the right person can drive you insane. but you need to step back and see what you're doing. calling him is doing NOTHING but driving him further away. you are in no way getting him to re-consider, or want to be just friends. you are just re-enforcing things in his head. i think the ONLY chance you have of regaining a friendship with him would be if you didn't call him for at least a month. regarding your relationship, it sounds very shaky. he seems moody and not considerate of you. and it seems you are too willing to accept it all or make apologies. hey, i was there once a long time ago, and i will NEVER go back. that is no kinda relationship- up, down, up, down. it's miserable. no- do not move there. very bad idea. you don't pick up your life and move it for a very unstable relationship, especially now. walk away. realize that you are worth more and can find better.

this is a girl speaking and i was in her position a few months ago... be cool, be yourself. take your lead from her. don't overwhelm her. hang back, talk to your friends, talk to her friends... you don't want to swarm her with attention. i know it is hard but try to treat her as you would just a friend. that's what you are at this point in time. once she sees she can trust you with the friend thing, you may have more chances to start hanging again. i'd say, if another girl talks to you, go ahead. don't obviously try to go out and talk to other girls right in front of her. but she has said you're friends now and if that's true, than show her that you feel the same (even if you know that you want to be with her). seeing you talk to someone else might just make her realize she's still cares at least a little. i'm not saying to play games, but don't look like a sad puppy dog either. and if a sentimental song comes on- i know it's hard- fight it! good luck

sorry, but if he was genuinely interested, i think he would have pursued talking to you after meeting the other girl and not just gone home with the first girl he met. maybe he's just on the rebound? maybe he thought you weren't interested? either way, i'd say forget him at this point.

Don't second-guess yourself now. Yes, you could look to change and improve yourself and the relationship, but obviously she wasn't willing to try or even let you know there was a real problem. I can't imagine how you must feel. All I can say is that obviously the problem wasn't really with you. Maybe she was too young? Maybe she didn't know what she was getting into? Who knows what her reasons are...and it's very unfair of her not to give you any concrete ones. Please don't wait around hoping to reconcile with her. I am sorry to say but it seems like she may be really gone. I am a woman, and most of the time when we make up our minds about something as serious as this, we are pretty convinced by that point. But who knows? Maybe in a few months she'll come crawling back... but why sit around waiting for that to happen? You have to consider- do you really want to get back with her, you'll always be wondering when the next time will be. Well... I am very sorry for you. You seem like a considerate and rational person. But I think what is meant to be will be. And instead of thinking of making a fresh start with her, why don't you make a fresh start for yourself right now? I know it is damn hard. But I think the sooner you start, the sooner you can start to live again. Whatever the final outcome, you'll be a stronger individual for it.

Take it from me- run, not walk, away from this. He sounds like a real jerk. Not enough time to celebrate your birthday for months?! Come on. Even if he were a cool friend, that would be lame. I'm sorry, he is playing around. And you are the one who is going to get hurt. All offices have a little flirting going on- to break up the work day. I would assume this is what the emails are about to him. Ever consider that he continues to be nice/friendly to you to cover himself? If he pissed you off too much, who knows what you might go and do, like tell his wife... Forget him please, I don't care if he's the hottest guy out there.

instead of using the list to remind you why you're hurt (understandably), use it to remind you that she really isn't worth it. is that the type of person you want to be with? i know you have memories of another, happier, day- but if she is really that heartless, i think you need to get angry at the list, not sad. anger, which i think you'll face soon, will help you get over. rebounding, sorry to say, can help. as easy as it is to say, "work on yourself first", realizing someone else finds you attractive and interesting is never bad for your ego... at least try dating, you can't sit around waiting for her. she is obviously not doing it for you, in fact she's quite content knowing that you are sitting there pining away for her.

did you ever see about schmidt? i think what i took from it most was that you don't want to wake up one day and realize that there was this world out there that you were missing as you just sat back and accepted things as the way they were supposed to be. i am not a big believer that just thinking you'll be happy or telling yourself to be happy can make you happy. there has to be a reason you are not, and instead of covering it up with false emotions, you should dig down and find where it is coming from. maybe it is about the relationship, or maybe it is more about you. i think you are possibly falling out of love. i wasn't married but in a relationship for 7 years. i was slowly falling out of love but felt stuck in the routine and all the ties and the comfortableness. but i wasn't happy anymore. i didn't want to be there but felt i should. and then one day i woke up and realized the only one keeping me there was myself. i think you should try to work it out but maybe you need to dig deeper and figure out why you fell out of love. maybe then you can determine if the love could come back. i don't feel you should think anything of the kiss- as i don't think you really are. new things are always exciting. that isn't really a sign of anything but needing a little spice in your life. face it, relationships lose the excitement and the 'in love' feeling after a while, but i think you should always feel love for the person. my ex and i are in the process of maybe reconciling (after a year apart and many changes on both sides), because when i look at him, i still feel a lot of love. i am still most definitely attracted to him. you need that. and you at least need companionship. i don't know... it's tough. one side of me says that no matter what, love would get you through the financial issues. but then again, good relationships really can't exist on love alone. and if you're feeling like the love is gone, then it's all just compounding for you. children are a whole other issue. my parents used to fight so badly, i wished they would get a divorce. i would not have been damaged. i think every situation is different. and it all depends on how you would both handle it. i know my ex-boyfriend (and his brothers and sisters) was severely damaged by parents that tried to stay together for 5 years longer than they should have and the house was a horrible environment to be in. they are all very much affected to this day, each having signifigant relationship issues- and a definite advocate for me that one parent, happy environment is much better than 2 parents, negative environment. well... that's my bits and pieces. i think that you need to trust your gut and if it's telling you over and over that you don't want it anymore, then maybe you need to listen and really figure out why. maybe then you can determine what the next steps need to be.

i can appreciate your pain. i am not saying what i have done is right. i would never knowingly get with a married, nevermind taken, man. i was initially not told, which yes, is a bad sign right there. and then i fell. no, I don't know that i have committed a sin- maybe that's what you 'know'. i fell in love. i'm sorry, i am not really a huge proponent of what 'marriage' usually now means in this country. too many people get married for the wrong reasons and then it's this oh-so-sacred thing and divorce is a sin. i'm not saying it's an answer either. the problem goes a lot deeper than that. people definitely need to work through things and try to fix before that step. but that's a whole other issue. i have explained that i never pressure him to leave in any way. he needs to figure out what he wants in his current situation, before deciding anything about me. i am 'walking away'. but first thing first, we are friends. and i do believe what he says, only because for over a year it has been backed up over and over again. i am sorry for you. but i honestly ask, is it better that you at least know now so that you can move on. you'd want to live side by side with someone for the next ? years just because it would be easier than knowing their feelings had changed for you? of course, i don't know your situation, but i think i would want to know the truth. i think you are very bitter towards the other person, but your significant other is the real culprit. and many factors could contribute to why they did what they did. but i think i would be happier in the long run to know the truth then live a lie. my best wishes are with you as well.