longhaircats

I had a bad breakup about 6 months ago, and I guess my head wanted to move on quicker than my heart did. Anyway, I've been on dates and every time I became to like someone more than others, I get very scared of getting hurt/ rejected and insecure. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be myself when I start having feeling for someone. I would like to know how people deal with insecurity in the beginning of a relationship. I had a plenty of long-term relationship in the past, but I've never felt so insecure before. Maybe I am not completely healed yet. I don't know. I have good friends, hobby, and profession that I absolutely devoted for, so I think I am quite independent, but I just don't know why I get so emotional when I find someone particularly attractive and want something more. Please give me advice how to deal with insecurity like this. I don't want to scare away someone I really like due to my insecurity. Thanks!

I disagree. Texting doesn't mean the person is shy at all. We used it all the time these days among friends because it's convenient. I prefer receiving calls when I am confortable talking to the person. If am not sure or I don't know the person well, I prefer text because it allows me some time to think about how to respond. It all depends on the situation and person, of course. Anyway, it's up to you Orlander and hope things go well!

If she seemed hesitant, she might be daging someone else (maybe casually), and calling would be a bit too much in that situation. If you are not sure I would text her instead of calling. Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are very very helpful. Now I have to decide what is the "must" for my future partner. I guess I was not sure because my dad, whom I absorutly love and respect, has no degree due to war, and my sister's boyfriend also has no degree (college drop out, but owns his company), but these two men are wonderful. I met three very attractive men recently and two of them have MA and have great career but the last one has no degree with not so great job. However, I like the last one the most (he is laid back, positive, makes me laugh all the time and I feel very confortable being around him) but I am scared to let myself to fall for someone who is not conpatible in a long run. I guess I will have to wait and see. Thanks again for your comments!

This is exactly what I was thinking about. I certainly felt like a suger mommy when I was with my ex, as I made a lot more money than he did and I paid more than half time when we went out. He still owes me $400 but he has no intention on returning. Your comment on a construction worker made me laugh! I was actually got hit on by a very hot construction worker few weeks ago in a bar, but he had no clue what PhD was. NeedingSumHelp, thanks for your advice and I read your thread. Using your term, I would be more "untachable" since I am a lot older than you! However, I've met prenty of people who said "wow" when I told them my background and they seemed quite inpressed and showed more interests in me. I've met other type of people who said "oh, you are smart then" and bye bye!

Yes that would be the best. My previous ex was a PhD student when I was a MA student and my ex husband, who now has MBA with successful career, was a college sweet heart. So my recent ex was the first person whom I met in a non-academic circle. I meet people in my current university, but men in their late 20s to 30s in my department are all married/engaged or in a serious relationship!! My friend who is working on MBA at the same uni was also complaining that there is no available single men in her department. So I am trying to meet people outside the academic circle. AussieSuomissa, thanks for your input. I am still keeping my options open, but I am just scared to make the same mistake as I did with my ex.

My ex boyfriend and I had very different backgrounds in terms of education (he has a high school diploma and I have a master's degree, now working toward PhD) and career goals (he likes stability and I like challenge). Although we fell in love each other, I believe that our incompatibility contributed a lot to our breakup in a long run. So now I am back to dating scene and meet many people with different backgrounds and I don't know what kind of standards should I set for a guy I go on a date. I prefer my date to have a college degree or higher. But should I be open to a date with someone who doesn't have high education? I am aware that some people have successful career without college degree but I am talking about more general case. I personally think college degree is a proof that he/she can stick with something for 4 years, and my ex never had that ability.

Hi there, I just asked a guy out and it was my first time too! I talked to a couple of my friends before asking him out, and one of my guy friend said "of course, we love being asked out by girls. it's 2007!" So I did it and we are going to meet for drinks after wrok next week Good luck!

I've been working from home all day today and want to see other human. I feel like going out tonight for drinks but can't find anyone to go out with. What do you do in a situation like that? I'm a woman and feel a bit unconfortable to go to a bar or restaurant alone. I used to do that when I was on a business trip though. Any idea?

When my ex husband and I got engaged, he had no money. I didn't really care about the ring, so I told him I don't need one. I even paid for funiture and other things for our new place since I had more money than he was. Few years later he was making tons of money and he bought me a lot of rings and whatever I wanted! We are divorced now but he still wants to offer financial support if I ever need one (am a self-funded PhD student at the moment).This is about trust. A big diamond seems very important to your fiance for whatever reason. Maybe she has been fantacizing about having a big engagement ring since she was a child. If you want to make her happy, extra $600 isn't a bad investment. I think your concern is more about the fact that she is materialistic and she doesn't care about your feelings. You should tell her how you feel and she may understand it. Good luck!

There is no general rule. My ex and I slept on the 2nd date and it turned into a 2.5 years relationship. My best friend and her boyfriend also slept on the 2nd date and they have been together for 4 years. Some people wait a lot longer, but it does not guarantee a long-term relationship. It all depends. As long as you feel confortable and ready, I think there is no time line there.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that she cancelled on you more than once. That's a different story then. What was her excuse to cancel the date on V-Day? Whatever reason, she should have at least apologized for canceling the date in last minutes, because she ruined your opportunity to spend your night with your buddies and have good time with them. I wouldn't even bother calling her. If you really like that girl, try to run into her might be a good idea. Good luck!

I got an impression that you kinda pressured her to see on V-day? Meeting up on V-day is quite special, so she might have felt unconfortable since you guys are still in a early stage of dating. I don't know her reason of canceling the date in last minutes, but if someone cancel on you (1st time), you should act cool with it, and never blame her or make her feel bad by telling her that you have already arranged to leave work early. Women can be easily turned off by that. Now you can choose two options: 1) send a simple text like "what's up" 2) send an email saying sorry for being a jerk the other night and you'd like to meet up again. Hope this helps.

I texted him anyway that night, and we've been texting back and forth since. It seems like my interests incresed his interests? Maybe the old "rules" of waiting for a guy calling don't apply anymore these days?

Maybe you are not sending a "please approach me" signal strong enough? Guys need a bit of encouragement. If a good looking guy smiles at you, smile back to him and give him a clear signal, the "look" that shows you are interested in him. Remember, YOU are the one choosing the right person for you, not them. Tell yourself that you are worthy and beautiful and guy would be lucky to have you. So go out and pick the man you like and smile at him first!

That's very true, I have nothing to lose I will wait until this evening and will text him to say hi. Thank you guys! It's nice to hear that girls don't always have to wait!

I met a cute British business man at a bar last Friday. He gave me his business card and asked mine, but am currently a student so I gave my old business card with my valid email address on it. We danced afterwards and he kissed me and told me that he wants see me again. It's Monday and I haven't heard from him. Shall I wait for him to email me? My friend said "why don't you call him or text him if you are interested in him." But it would be better if he contacts me first, right? Guys, what do you think if a girl contacts you first?

One week after break up? Oh yes, she is rebounding. All things you pointed out here seem red flags to me, and you don't have to be so nice to this person since she cancelled on you twice already. It's rude. It's wise to save your date money for someone else. She is so blind not to see the big fish in front of her! Gracefully release her back into her little backyard pond and you go back fishing in a big ocean! Good luck.

What's the best answer if a guy ask me what I am looking for on the 1st date? I tend to meet people at bars/clubs, so I'm not sure what they are looking for when they ask me out. I don't want to scare him away by saying " I'm looking for a Mr. Right", but at the same time, I don't want to date players, so I would like to know how to screen players out. I am def not looking for a sex partner, but it would be nice to make new friends as well, since I am still new to the city. "I am looking for a boyfriend" Is this too direct? Shall I say "I am open to a long-term relationship if a right guy comes along"? Any other questions I should ask or should not ask on the 1st date? Thanks for your input in advance!

I have a guy friend who was looking for a relationship and tried link removed, met 3-4 women, and two of them asked him if he wanted to go back to her place and have sex on the first date. He rejected and they got upset. So he decided to stick with traditional ways of meeting people. I myself tried online dating for a short period of time, but I stopped because I got scared by some psycho guys. So I think people who are looking for a relationship are easily discouraged by the other type of people and some decide to leave.

I just wanted to say to everyone that the good luck with meeting new people in the past week just happen this week (didn't happen before), and evertything started once I became positive. I guess because people could tell that I'm in a happy mood. Now I really believe in positive thinking. It is like a magic!

Hahaha, no not at all. I wasn't even in a sexy outfit. I was walking down the street with my backpack on, and a guy told me "nice boots" and we talked like 2 min and he asked my numer. It was a bad pickup line, but I'll give him a credit for trying!

SuperDave71, Orlander, thanks for your reply I am doing well in meeting people, but not sure what to do when it comes to dating. Last week alone, two guys at my university asked me out (but they are waaaay too young for me), got hit on by many men at a club (gave my number to one of them), and one guy asked my number on a street. hehe. But haven't met anyone who "click" yet. Hopefully I meet someone tonight!

Today I am feeling extremely good. I’m not happy yet, but I feel that I turned the corner. I wouldn’t have been able to get through the toughest time in my life without everyone’s supports on here. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have helped me and supported me. 8 months ago my live-in boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me. I was the one who initiated. He was sweet and loving boyfriend most of the time, but he had a lot of issues and I doubted our future together. So I picked up fights and kicked him out from my apartment. So he ended. After 3 months of being in friends with benefit situation, I couldn’t do it anymore. I found this site when I was desperately seeking an online help. I initiated NC and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done before. I felt like the pain would never go away. He was my best friend for the past 3 years, and I had no close friends in the new country/city. I struggled, blamed myself for the loss, and cried almost every day, but I wasn’t alone since everyone here was going through the same, and things got better as time passed by. When I broke my NC last month, he told me that he is in a serious relationship. They are now engaged. I was shocked and devastated. I was severely depressed and felt like the end of the world. This was 2 weeks ago. I read books about depression and realized that it was ME who was beating me up. I was extremely hard on myself about not being able to handle the situation good enough, fast enough. So I decided to be my own best friend and be patient with me. I’ve been going through a lot of changes and I should be the person who understands me the most. Since then, things have changed dramatically. I started seeing positive sides of what happen to me and being single. Last Sunday I cooked a very nice meal for myself with a bottle of Champaign to treat myself and I had a great time. I enjoyed my time alone for the first time in 8 months!! I am also meeting a lot of people every week, at my university, bars/clubs and even while I am walking on a street. I told myself, “hey, I am doing well, am still attractive, I will be fine. Don’t worry too much.” For those who are going through a painful break up, it seems like the pain will never go away, but it will pass, trust me on this. I learned from my own experiences. Be extremely nice to yourself and love yourself. You may not feel like yourself right now, but deep down you know you are worthy and lovable. The people here suffering the loss are the one with warm heart. And you are a lot stronger than people who'd never experienced the pain. I am very proud of all of you!! Love, longhaircats

Hey Kate, My best friend in Japan has been in a serious relationship for 2 years and she has been neglecting me , sort of, but I still love her and she is still my best friend, although we don't see/talk eath other often. We've known each other for 15 years! If they are your real friends, they will understand you so don't worry about that. Hey, I am living in London now and am up for drinks and meeting new people anytime! There are tons of singles in this city. I'm mid 30s divorced, and I met two of my good female friends on my 3rd week in London at a Halloween party. I had no friends in the city before. One is 29, the other is 32 yo, both single. We get hit on by men in their 20s all the time in bars/clubs! I went through a bad breakup, and I hate being alone, but I began to enjoy single life now after 5 months. It took me for a while to be able to think this way, but I decided to focus on the positive sides. I have now time to download music, going to a pool, and belly dancing. You can flirt, make out, whatever you want since you (we) are single! Hang in there!