longhaircats

I have an update. My ex wrote to me today saying that he was sorry for not taking my call. He said that he was hurt because I told him I was not going to talk to him again in our last conversation, but I called him only because I was drunk. He said he couldn't deal with the fact that I only call him when I am drunk, so decided not to answer, but realized that it only hurt me and he does not want to hurt me anymore. So he will "let me go" and he will "miss me forever." I don't understand. He was the one who pushed me away and told me to move on. My guess is that he wants me to move on but he does not lose me as a friend. I believe that I should maintain NC, but I'm tempted to write back to him. I know it won't help getting him back.....

I'm having a hard time again. I've kept my hopes of getting my ex back in the past 5 months, but now I have no other choices but moving on. I know I have to, I know it. But it kills me. I get a stomachache when I think about my ex is gone forever. But when I think about a slight possibility of reconciliation in the future (eg. if we are meant to be together, he will be back etc), my pain eases a bit. I realized that this past two weeks have been the toughest stage for me because of the loss of hopes. Is it a bad idea to keep hoping? Does it prevent us from healing? Any advice?

Hi everyone, thanks a lot for your advice. They are very helpful. I feel better today and I'm not panicked any more. I'm calm and see things more cleary. I took your advice and I decided not send anything to apology. I'll do strict NC. He would understand I was hurt when I did it, and if he decides not to be friend with me because of my action, the friendship wasn't real for the first place. First time in 5 months, I gave him a clear message that I won't wait him around any more. I feel pretty good. I want to be a strong person he fell in love with. I may feel down tomorrow, but I'll come back here and remember what everyone said. Thank you all!! Love, LHC

Hi Ellie, I'm going back to the city he lives at the end of March, though I may go back there briefully in December. Do you think I still have a chance to talk to him after sending that text message? I'm not planing on sending an ecard to him on Christmas, but his BD is coming up in Jan. I want to send a card, but I'm so scared of being ignored.

Thank you everyone. I will not send the email I wrote, because I was very emotional when I wrote it. I need to calm down and cool off my head first, and then I decide it later whether I should write or not. Chai, you are right, I was mad about myself. I had this pathetic hope that if I remain NC he would change his mind after thanksgiving or Christmas and contact me, because we always had wonderful time together around this time of the year. The first Christmas we got together, he bought an ornament that has a year "2004" on it, so we can always remember our beautiful Christmas together. He told me he would like to continue to do so every year, hopefully rest of his life. He got the second one last year, but there aren't the third one. I feel like I destroyed all possible chances of us in the future. I can't imagine not having him in my life, even as a friend. I rather want to stay as his friend, even though I have to go through a pain. I sound so desperate, don't I?

I need your advice. I just called my ex last night, drunk after two weeks of NC. He picked up the phone and we talked about two minutes and then my train came so I asked him if I could call him back in 10 min. I called him back several times after, but he never answered. I panicked and left a message why he is ignoring me. No answer. I got really upset and sent a very mean text message saying "you are not my friend after all. I wish I've never met you. You are such a fraud." I screwed up! A little bit of pride I had left was completely destroyed by his silence and I said things I regret. Now I am afraid he would hate me. I though about calling him, but I can't handle if he ignores me again, so I drafted an email to him apologizing my text, but I am too afraid that he might not respond. That would hurt me so much. What shall I do? To give you my back ground short (I have posted a couple of here), my ex and I were together for 2.5 years, and he broke it off 5 month ago. He had a divorce few years before I met him and had an insecurity issue. He ran away from me couple of times because he was afraid of me leaving him. I took him back every time he disappeared, but it made me careful not to move too fast. I think I was trying to protect myself. He treated me very well most of the time, but when he was in a bad mood, he just shut down himself and became very quite or complained about everything: his job, his co-workers who didn't respect him, his failed marriage and past relationship, his family and everything. Although I love him very much, I didn't know how to handle when he was like this. He moved in my apartment in March and things started falling apart, mostly my fault. I got scared and pushed him away by picking fights and asked him to leave several times. I know I made mistakes and mistreated him. Once I lost him, I realized how important he was in my life and I missed him so much. I wanted to get him back, but he told me it's too late because damage has been done and he is not in love with me any more. After month or so from our breakup, we started talking on a phone again (I initiated) and we eventually started seeing each other weekly basis. We had great time together and he slept over my place several times. All this time he has giving me mixed signals. One day he tells me he still loves me and has feelings for me, but he is very hurt and need to take it slow. Next day he tells me we are over and he can only see us as friends. I went through an emotional rollercoaster for about 3 months, and I put up with it because I wanted to prove that I love him. But at the end I was drained and I told him I cannot do this anymore. That was two weeks before I moved to a different country 2000 miles away from him. It has been few weeks since I came here, and I've having a hard time adjusting myself here with no family and close friends. I initiated contact with him again and he's been sweet to me and said things like: " I really miss you" "I regret I didn't see you before you left"; "I'm always there for you" "I'm very glad that we are still talking, it means a lot to me" which made me think he might still have feelings for me. But two weeks ago he told me he was up for a date, and I was crushed. He was very cold and told me I need to move on. I've been doing NC since, until last night. I know I need to move on. I know it, but I don't want him to hate me. I'm in pain.

Dear Sunshine, You are doing well, trust me and don't pressure yourself. It's been 5 months for me and I am feeling pretty much the same as the day we brokeup or even worse. My ex has been giving me mixed signals and false hopes and it has been an emortinal rollercoaster. One day he tells me he still loves me and makes love with me, but other days he tells me we are over. Last week I found out that he was up for a date. I was crashed. I let myself breaking down and I didn't even care. A lot of mistakes have been made. I was at the lowest point of my life, but today I told myself that I can only go up from here. I can get through this without him. And you can do it too. Just be very kind to yourself. Once again, you are doing well.

I remember your post. Please don't hurt yourself further! It will only prevent you from moving on. She is only thinking about herself and she loves herself more than enything. You are loving and caring person, so why don't you save the love to a special person you are going to meet in the future?

Dear Smiles, Sorry that you are in pain. My ex and I had a lot of fights during our 2.5 years relationship, and after our breakup, I read a book about "5 love languages." You can find it here: link removed The book basically explains that there are five types of love language, such as word of affirmation etc., and each person has a primary love language that they use when expressing their love or feel loved. If a couple talk different languages, sometime your partner does not feel loved although you are showing your love in your way. I found it quite useful, because I realized that my ex really wanted to hear words of affirmation, like "you look great" or "I'm so proud of you",but I was not giving him much of them. He got very insecure and gave up on us. Unfortunately it was too late for me to apply it for my ex, but you are still in a position to get her love back. So it may help you to understand how to make your girl feel loved and cared. Good luck!

Thank you sillygurl. I was in bed all morning crying, but I finally got up and worked on my research a bit and I was able to forget about my ex and last night for a while. Guest, you are right, but I swear to god that I was only looking for a companionship and I didn't want to do anything further. But the guy came on to me strong and I am only a human and made a mistake. I will try to think about a blight side of being in a new city. It's funny that I wanted to move to a new place where there are no memories of my ex but it was a lot harder than I thought. Even though I am thousands miles away from him, I still see him in my mind eyes and he is everywhere. The other day I went to a book store to check out city guidebooks, and then it started playing a romantic song we used to listen along the fireplace in our apartment. It brought back so much good memories of us and tears and I had to leave the store. I really wish I were doing NC from the beginning, so I could have started my healing process sooner. I will come back here when I need a friend to talk to

Thank you very much for kind words. My ex told me last week that he was not seeing anyone particular, but open to a date. Thinking of him going on a date with other woman really hurts. I wanted to go out and meet someone before he does. I know it's silly to think like this because it's not a competition, but I couldn't help. I am lonely and desparate.

I'm not a native English speaker, and sorry for my sp and grammer mistakes in advance. It's been nearly 5 months since our break-up. He was my second American boyfriend and we dated for 2.5 years. For some reason, I believed that he still loves me and has feelings for me. When I see in his eyes, I just knew feelings are still there. I couldn't let him go and I stayed in touch with him until a month ago. I just moved to UK for school, but we were still talking on a phone until last week. I was having hard time to adjust myself in a new city where I have no close friends and family. But he made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with me and I need to move on. I'm doing NC since. Last night I met an American guy who was in town for his business trip. I missed US so much and missed my friends and my ex, and his American accent made me feel comfortable. I had too much to drink and ended up staying over at his hotel. I have never done a one-night stand in my life, and am feeling horrible. I had many drunken nights after our break-up, but my friends were there for me and I've never lost myself like this. A part of me was telling me that my ex would not care who am going to sleep with. Now I know I CARE!!I wanted to move on but this is not the way to forget the person you love. It made me feel more failure than ever. I feel like crap. I cannot tell this to my friends, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I really hate myself now being so weak.

Hi, I read your story and I've been going through the similar situation as yours, trying to stay in ex's life as friends and tortured myself. (my story here: ) So I understand your dilemma. I would not call her up, but may be you could send a simple text message saying that "I heard about the earthquake. Hope your sister is okay" something like that, because it still shows that you care what happens to her and her family, but you don't want anything to do with her. If she tried to open up a conversation after that, then you should ignore her. If she knows what she wants, she will tell you. I think she is doing this because she is lonely. Most women call their ex when they are lonely. She may not be getting enough attention from her new guy, but it doesn't necessary mean she wants more than friendship from you.

Thanks everyone. Reading other people's opinion opened up my eyes. You are right, it IS humiriating!! He used to tell me that I was the best thing ever happened to him, and he just lost it.

My ex boyfriend ended our 2.5 years relationship 5 months ago. We tried to stay as friends in the last few months, but we were never really friends (we ended up sleeping together every time we saw each other), but he kept telling me that we were not together anymore. In his head we are over, but then why does he tell me that he misses me? Now I live in UK and we will be physically apart for the next six months. It is always me to initiate calls, and he always answers the phone. A week ago he initiated a chat and he was giving me kisses and telling me that he misses me. He even asked me for a "chat date" this weekend with me and each of us will have wine together while chatting. I had a really bad day two days ago, and I called him up and asked him if he misses me and wants to see me. Then he said "I miss hanging out with you as friends. I have moved on and am open for a date with another people. Stop bringing up a relationship. We are over" How could he change from loving to cold so quickly? He told me that he loved me, but he did not receive love from me (because I tried to keep some distance from him/attempted to break up with him a couple of times) and he has no intention to get back with me. The reason I came to UK is to pursuit my part-time PhD so that I can stay with him in the same city for the rest of the 6 months. I made plans around us, but him telling me that I didn't love him back makes me really sad. He told me IF I WANT TO TALK TO HIM, he will pick up the phone. I haven't called him since. Now what should I do? NC?? How long? Help!!

My mom(Japanese) said the same thing too! So I guess it wasn't a cuiltural thing. I don't think my parerents are in love, but I know they love each other and they respect each other. My ex's mom left him when he was 4 years old, so may be he is not aware what makes two people stay together for a long time. I want to tell these things to him someday if he ever contacts me again...

Thank you hyduh and drum4god for your insights. I was also thinking that in love stage can comes in waves, because there was a time that I was not sure about my feelings for my ex. I could say my "in love feeling" was faded when my ex wasn't happy with his current job and lack of his education, yet he didn't seem like trying to change the situation. Only thing he was doing was complaining about others and self-pitying himself. He never treated me bad, but it was depressing to be with him when he was in the "darkness." Our relationship went bad after he moved in my apartment. I made a mistake by picking fights and kicked him out from the apartment during fights (that's why he's hurt), but I couldn't breakup with him because I loved him as a person and friend and I really cared about him. He was so worried about the possibility of me leaving him and he built a wall in his heart so that he won't get hurt, he explained to me later on. So I understand that feelings change and people may fall out of love, but I feel sad that my ex stopped loving me when I didn't love him back the way he wanted.

Hi, I'm quite new here and this is my first post. My bf of 2.5 years broke up with me (because I hurt him), telling me that he is not in love with me anymore, although he still loves me and is still very attracted to me. I'm very confused. If someone love you and still attracted to you, do you leave the person because you are not "in love" ? May be I am not understanding the definition of "in love" because I am Japanese, and to me "in love" only happens at the beginning of relationship and then it grows to love. Am I wrong? We tried to be friends for 4 months after our breakup, because we used to be best friends, and not talking or seeing each other was hard for both end. But it did not work out, because we had a lot of chemistry and could not help being intimate. It just got harder for me as he was very convinced that he does not want a relationship right now. He even encouraged me to date others if good ones come along Do people decide to leave their partner because they feel they are "out of love"? Can we go back "in love" stage after breaking up and not seeing each other anymore? I'm trying to move on, but I cannot help wonder if he ever gonna change his mind.

I think you are handling this very well--a lot better than me. As long as she initiates the contact, and you don't show your intention of wanting to get back together, it is okay to talk on the phone. In this way, she will know you are still there for you to take her call and won't feel rejected. I know it is hard, but just be patient and let her figure out what she wants. Until then, don't initiate contact (like I did)! Good luck!!

Hi, I'm new here. DO NOT SETTLE as her friend if you want your girl back!! I have done that and I really regret. My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 4 mo ago, mainly it was my fault. After he left me, I realized that I took him for granted and regret I mistreated him and hated myself. I did everything I was not supposed to do: begging, crying, apologizing, tried to convince him that I've changed, you name it. We agreed to stay friends, because we used to be best friends and it was hard for him to cut off everything as well. I tried LC for a month, and then we started seeing each other as friends, pretended like I was cool about it. We had great time every time we see each other, but it only made me feel sad, facing what I've lost. We eventually started sleeping together. It was great when I was with him, but the rest of the time was like hell. I was dying to hear from him, worrying what if he change his mind and not want to see me anymore etc. It was like knife stuck in my heart every time he cancelled our plan at the last minutes. So last week I confronted with him and asked what he really wants. He said clearly that he does not want a relationship, but he still wants to see me as friend, the same answer as it was 4 months ago!! I am drained from emotional rollercoaster, and tired of feeling miserable and unimportant. So I told him I cannot do this anymore. I want to move on and let my broken heart heal. So I'm on day 2 for NC. I still want him back, but I know now that staying as friends does not make him want to be with me or change the way he feels about me. Stay strong!