hjc

I think not saying something is often easier (for both parties) than saying it. That doesn't necessarily make it the right answer. He feels he needs to say something to get closure and no-one can dissuade him from that fact. So my gut feel is to let him do it, but do it in a "decent" manner. In other words, just pass the message on and know that he's done it, but not in a way that is excessively vitriolic or angry. For that reason I'd suggest he write it down in a letter; it'll have much more impact when delivered that way (if indeed it gets that far because frankly the catharsis may come from writing it down) and he can phrase it in exactly the way he wants. Words often tumble out of people's mouths too quickly and they don't say what they mean. So in short, I think he should reflect about what he wants to say and write it down. Then write a letter..and then think long and hard about whether or not to send it.

MY first breakup date was an absolute nightmare...although admittedly I'd gone on it knowing that might happen (not that I'm saying i set out to fail but...). Personally I recommend anyone who's going dating again for the first time to pick someone/a situation where they don't mind if it fails. Like anything you have to get back into it and it is more likely than not that it won't go well..you'll be nervous and probably still thinking about the ex.... So the fact yours didn't go well isn't a sign of anything bad..life is just like that. Bit like going to the gym; if you've not been for ages, then it'll be tougher than if you go regularly.... Take your time, don't beat yourself up and above all use this chance you have to work out what is important to you (and reflect on the past...but not too much)...in short, relationships take work and there will be misses and hits. Don't expect all the hits at once. Keep us posted!

Thanks MajorD! With hindsight I am sooo pleased with how I dealt with this; not telling her would've been wrong, as would a "hellfire and damnation" approach. I found a way to tell her I was seriously angry, but then didn't let that fester and moved on. I managed to retain the moral high ground whilst venting my anger. Anyway, a quick update (incase any of you care!); my ex came round tonight to get the rest of her stuff which i had got ready (all sorted nicely in bags ready to go). She didn't want some of it, so I am taking that stuff to a charity recylcing place along with some of my clothes this weekend. Which I think is nice and the right thing to do. I set out with the objective of not mentioning what had happened (it came up in passing but I always told her that I saw no need to discuss it and considered the matter closed) and succeeded. I kept the conversation light, updated her on my life and listened to what she'd been up to. In terms of relationships; I talked about dating nightmares but didn't discuss other halves or partners. She stayed for around an hour and a half and frankly after an awkward first few minutes it was really fun and we just enjoyed each others company. I have no idea what is going on in my head right now (beyond the fact that I feel really good about how I dealt with the situation) except to say that I am clearly still attracted to her....but that said, I am also really focussed on the girl I am currently dating. Conclusions? Right decision to be the bigger person and forgive and move on. I think I am completley blindsiding her at the moment; she expects anger and resentment and gets nothing of the sort. Equally no attempt to flirt or get her back; I am just having fun and being confident. I think perversely I want her to want to come back but equally being petrified if that happens...but I also want things to work out with the new girl....and if it comes to both then I think the new one will get her chance... I feel surprisingly good. Thanks for reading this!

Email sent and after a while a major apology received. I then told her I wanted her to know but regarded the matter as closed. Since then we've been feeling our way through a civilised conversation and she's coming round later this week to collect her stuff and have a drink. I have no idea what is going on inside my head but at least the incident didn't turn unpleasant. Thanks for all the advice from everyone here; I feel much better now.

OK gang quick update. Went over there today to collect my stuff. Door to the vault is wide open and there is now a whole load more junk there (empty boxes, black sacks). So I fight my way past all that and find my "stuff"; a box and 3 bags. To be fair to my ex, she had packaged it up as best she could, but it was clearly a quick "dump it and run" (not unlike me ) job. So I collect what I can obviously see is mine and then leave. Slightly tearful car journey home as I reflect on everything...but I play loud music and drive a bit faster than I should and all is well in my head again. Have now unpacked all the things...most of which were "oh I wondered where that had got to" items. And I'm integrating them back into their rightful places and feeling OK about it. I'm sure there are things missing; stuff which she's either not realised is mine or is misappropriating (or assuming is hers) but I'll let that go. In the meantime I'm scouring my place for her stuff and collecting it all together. I then decide I am sooo angry with what she's done that I am going to email her and tell her. Which I did. I wrote it, re-wrote it and re-wrote it until I think it is clear but not overly rude and also makes it clear that I want to try to keep things civil going forward but that I am very disappointed by what she did. All quite cathartic. Probably reduced the likelihood of short term communication from her, but given I'm doing NC anyhow, no bad thing. So there we go...thanks for all the help. I still don't get why she did what she did, but I've told her what I think about it and I've got (most of) my stuff back without too many tears.

Definitely write it down. Either in a journal (and scatter to the four winds as has been suggested) or here or in a (and I stress this) DRAFT email to them. I quite like keeping my old thoughts somewhere...so if I ever get to the stage where I want to see how far I have come, I can do so by re-reading where I was. Key thing is not to send them anything.

Thanks gang; helpful as ever! Wow! Exactly my plan....drafting now and will send when I'm ready. Stuff not collected yet;doing it when I have time....tomorrow probably!

Split up with my ex in August (her choice) and had a rough time of it. However went pretty much NC with the odd bit of contact (all initiated by her). She's got a new guy and in the whole of the 6+ months since then I've seen her once (at a mutual friend's party; with her new guy) and spoken to her once on the phone. All other contact by text/email. For much of last year,she'd blow hot & cold; contact me to set up a time to meet and then after I'd suggest some dates, radio silence. She'd then come back to me again months later saying she had been busy etc. So I got fed up with this and gave up. In Jan she then called me to see if I wanted to meet up. I was overseas so couldn't (and frankly having seen her with her new guy hit me hard so I didn't want to). So I'm doing NC and waiting until I feel ready to call her back (I thought about doing it last weekend, but in the end thought it would be too painful so didn't). We never got round to picking the stuff up that each of us had at the other's place (dumb but there ya go). One evening this week I get a voicemail from her saying she's moving the next day and will be around for another hour if I want to come and pick up my stuff. If I don't she tells me that she'll leave my stuff in some vaults outside her place (basically a cupboard under the pavement; she had a basement appartment; which anyone can access. It's basically a communal vault which is left unlocked). By "stuff" I mean clothes, a TV and some other valuable items. I was too busy to return her call and certainly too busy to go that evening to get it. I've just been over there and checked (on foot so couldn't carry the stuff) and she has left it there along with a load of things she no appears to no longer want (presumably assuming it'll be taken away by someone). I'm stunned and livid about this. Yes the ball was in my court to make contact but you don't just decide to move house from one day to the next and I wouldn't dream of just leaving her stuff in an unlocked cupboard giving her one hour to collect it. I'm not calling her for now 'cos I'm worried I'll be unbelievably angry with her and say something I might regret later. I suspect she's moving in with her new guy and thereforeeee didn't want to take my stuff to his...but I can't know for sure. I'm posting this to get some perspective from others; am I right to be as angry as I am? Clearly I'm not quite over her (there is someone new on the scene whom I really want to be with so I'm not looking to get back with my ex) and that's impacting my view of things, but I can't believe she's done what she's done. Advice/comments welcome.

I'll keep my story short (just search my other threads for more info) but basically I split up with my ex of 2 years, about 6 months ago. She'd started to pull away before then and so with hindsight no surprise when she said she wanted to break up. She was an old friend who was going through a divorce and became something more...so I was pretty gutted when it all ended. She told me she needed space to be on her own..and then promptly I discover she's seeing someone else (as ever actions speak louder than words). Anyway, I've spent the past few months trying to move on, going on dates, focussing on me and trying to do NC (I say "trying" 'cos I did respond when she contacted me, but otherwise NC). Saw her a few weeks ago at a mutual friend's party (with her new guy) which was pretty tough. I've spent far too much time missing her and thinking about her (and I guess ](*,))... However yesterday I had a bit of a revelation. I started to focus my mind on my ex as a part of my past and not my present or future. I thought about her in the context of being a great memory but not something here and now. I've focussed on her as being in my rear view mirror rather than something I can see on the road ahead (or indeed inside the car with me). Now when I think about her, it is in a favourable light as someone with whom I shared good times, but who is no longer in my life. So I feel no resentment or anger, just a smile or two at the good old days. There isn't anyone in my life at the moment (though I'm in the early stages of dating someone I think is fantastic and hope will become a lot more than she is now) but I've made myself comfortable with where I am and the fact my ex is my ex. And I've actually felt sorry for her and her new guy. She's moved from her marriage to me and from me to him without having a chance to get to know herself (and go through a lot of what I've been through in the past few months)...and that leads me to think that her current relationship with him is going to face a rocky road ahead at some point once the novelty wears off. Of course she won't want to face a third failed relationship so will put every effort into making it work....which it might for a while. I'm not saying this because I want her back; in fact far from it, I actually think she needs time on her own and (at least I like to think this) if she came back to me I'm not sure I'd take her back as I'm not sure it would last. So I kinda feel that she's missed time to find herself and feel sorry for her. I'm not sure he knows what he's taking on... And its weird but this rear-view mirror thing is helping me to focus on the road ahead not the road I've already driven on....in fact I feel so positive about that, taht I've ignored a call from her asking if we can meet up; something I wouldn't have done before. I'll call her back when I feel like it/have time but I'm not rushing. Right now the girl on the road ahead gets me first. I just thought I'd post to see if it helps anyone else (and of course to have the chance to just express myself to a sympathetic audience). I'm finding that viewing her through the rear-view mirror makes me feel stronger and more confident; I'm not suggesting moving on is easy (and of course the concept of a mirror means you can still see them and think about them), I just like the idea of thinking about them in the context of the past not the present or the future. Posting this here 'cos I was a definitive "I want her back" kinda guy, but now I'm not so sure....

I'd ignore what she's thinking..you deserve better!

Don't worry about it. I've had times in previous breakups where I was worried about what Person X might have said to either my ex or their close family/friends. It doesn't matter. Whatever they do is not you and you just need to focus on what you're doing and saying...anything anyone else does is out of your hands. Given this specific scenario I wouldn't be at all concerned. Your parents obviously care about you and that's the important thing...they're showing they care. Your ex's parents will understand and you don't look bad at all. Just let it go for now and focus on you.

Let me just add my words of support to the comments above;we are there for you! Good luck and just do what feels right for you.

Wow! The great SD drops in to check in on my thread...thank you Sir! I've read ManofPlans thread and my gut feel right now is to do what I feel is right come Friday...not gonna contact the ex and not gonna make any plans. Thanks again gang. I love this place!

All good stuff but how do I find out if she's going without either asking her or the mutual friend (who is bound to tell her that I've asked). And frankly I think the mutual friend wants us to get back together (or at least be on talking terms so this kind of thing doesn't arise) so could well manipulate things.....so only option to really find out is talk to the ex. Agree with not seeming keen though. Is always possible the ex perceives the same issue and contacts me I guess...

We split up 6 months ago (exactly today but irrelevant!) and apart from the odd email contact (primarily attempts to set up a chance to meet up which all failed) and one phone conversation I haven't seen my ex. I thought I was over her and I have been "dating" (literally been out on a few dates but not what I would term "going out" or "seeing") someone new (early days, no commitment and I'm not misleading the new person about anything)....but if I'm honest I want my ex back and have been thinking about her far too much recently. Out of the blue before Christmas my ex contacted me and suggested meeting up. I agreed to and we fixed a date and she cancelled on me that morning and rescheduled for the following day...and then cancelled (for what I think were legitimate work reasons). Since then nothing. This Friday is the birthday of a mutual friend and I feel obliged to attend her party. My ex is also invited and I have no idea if she's going or not. What I do know is that I'm not sure seeing her there for the first time in months is really the way I want to meet her again. So I'm considering contacting my ex to find out if she's going, tell her that I am and suggest that if we're both going we meet up before then so that isn't the big reunion.... Thoughts? Incidentally she has been seeing someone else (and almost certainly thinks/knows that I am doing the same)...don't think she'd bring him (and I'm not taking anyone) but if she did that could make it ten times worse. Any advice?

I'd agree with Dako. Not doing it will leave you with all kinds of regrets and you won't be able to stop wondering "what if"... so I'd give it a go and see what happens. But you need to prepare yourself mentally for all kinds of potential outcomes. Good luck!

It sounds like a very strange reason to meet up if you ask me. I totally thought it was a "let's see where we went wrong and see if we can make it better when we give it another go" meeting...which you're clear it isn't. In which case I think you need to tread very carefully. There is a real risk that you'll get hurt by what is said, so I would think long and hard about whether or not you want to have this meeting. If you really think that getting some answers will give closure then maybe go...but I suspect (as others do here) that he might try to argue with you about why you are wrong to feel one thing or the other...and that won't do you any good at all. The only person who can really decide whether you should go or not is you...personally I would only be prepared to have a "revisit the past" conversation if I thought we were trying to get back together..so my view is that you say "thanks but no thanks". If he's prepared to answer questions then he'll be prepared to do that at a later date. It seems to me he's trying to appease his own conscience by giving you a chance to ask questions...which I don't think you have any duty to fulfil unless you want to. In short, I'd stay away..but whatever you decide keep us posted and we'll be there for you...

Do NOT contact her on her birthday. Just let it go....silence is much, much more powerful than contact.

I found mine through meeting someone who has knocked my socks off - see this thread. I was absolutely certain I wouldn't find anyone as amazing as my ex...well I'm reviewing that. Not saying you have to find it through other people, you just have to be open to the fact that things will get better...

Firstly my sympathies...often with these situations clarity only comes over time. But given your ex has contacted you and asked to meet, you're having to take a decision now that you aren't in a position to really make. You've got to balance the natural curiosity of wanting to know what they want to talk about, with the fact you might get hurt. I suggest thereforeeee that you find out what he wants to talk about. That way you'll be able to prepare for a meeting. If there's a valid purpose then i'd consider meeting/talking...otherwise I wouldn't. You are quite vulnerable right now so just tread carefully....

Quick update - I've been on a second date with the new girl and I'm still feeling incredible about her. Yeah its made me think a lot more about my ex but in a fond (and frankly "ex" type) way. I look back on what we had and I smile...but I'm not clamouring for her back. I want this new girl now and everything she can bring to my life. So not quite closure but I really feel like I've turned a corner. Of course if things don't work out with the new girl then maybe I'll be in a worse place...but it has given me hope that someone else can amaze me and get me excited. And all the little things I'd told myself that only my ex could offer....like being the most beautiful woman I could ever hope to get...well I've just found someone else who has the potential to give me even more. I'll keep you posted..but those of you in despair worrying about how you'll never meet someone else....it does happen. Stick at NC and huge hugs to all of you suffering right now. My only pain/suffering at the moment is worrying whether the new girl has feelings for me. All I can do is keep dating her (if she lets me!) and see what happens.....

...a little update from me. I got dumped by my ex of 2 years just over 3 months ago. Basically she'd been pulling away for a while before that and so we mutually agreed to split, but I would've been happy to work at things. So her choice and I felt absolutely devastated. Since then I've had 3 months of pretty much solid NC; we've communicated a few times (always initiated by her) by email and text and had one phonecall. But that's all. I've missed her terribly, felt like I would never find someone else and generally beat myself up about what I'd done to wreck things...so not the best place to be. I then started dating people (both using a website and friend's recommendations) and to start with it felt like a complete waste of time; I kept comparing the women I met to my ex (and of course they came off worse) and kept thinking about how long it would be til I could get her back. Then came news (from a reliable source) that she was seeing someone else. Cue more getting upset, angry, annoyed, thoughts that she must've cheated on me etc. etc. But this week I went on a date and something amazing happened. I met someone with whom I had an incredible evening (we met at 7.30pm and all of a sudden it was 1am). She's stunning, smart, funny and seems to be all those things which I had been missing in my ex and convincing myself no-one else would ever have. We've been in touch since the date and we're seeing each other again next week for a second date. I've got that butterflies in my stomach thing and I'm really excited about seeing her. Now I have no idea whether things will work out with her (right now I really really want them to) and I certainly don't want to run before I can walk..but its really helping me to move on from my ex. I'm not preaching a "get back on the horse asap" message here ('cos you've got to be ready to see other people and that's something only you know), I just want to highlight that things can get better...and even if things with this girl don't happen, it will at least have shown me that there are other fish in the sea. Since going for dinner I've had a spring in my step and a smile on my face. So, those of you feeling like things will never get better; they will. Time is a great healer and you will get there eventually. NC was (and I guess is when I think about it) really really really hard. But it has helped me get to a stage where I am ready to let someone else into my life. In fact I decided today that if my ex were to contact me right now and ask to get back with me, that I would put off taking any decision until I'd seen how things work out with this new girl. And if there's a choice between my ex and the new girl...right now the new girl gets my vote everytime I think about it. Of course if things don't work out with her, then I might consider going back; but I'm not feeling like that is the only (or indeed best) option for me...which I did up until very recently. I'll keep you guys and girls posted on how things go...but suffice it to say that I feel I've turned a real corner. It isn't over yet and I do think about my ex a lot...but I am spending more time thinking about the new girl. I'm gonna take it nice and slow with her and just see what fate has in store. Just hope that inspires those of you who are in the depths of despair (which I was). I'm now in a much better place (and a lot of that is down to this site, so thank you to all those who have encouraged me)...

Agree that Mr Legend hits the nail on the head... Also like Save Room from the new album (oh and "Refuge" from the first makes me very tearful..) Ah the power of music! Try some India Arie as well - her latest album is about breakups...but in a positive way....

Well my sympathies are with you...I've been through it - see here. I am still dealing with this on a daily basis and the temptation to intervene somehow is huge; either to remind her that I am there or to tell her that I know about "him"...but I haven't and I'm not going to. Frankly if she doesn't come back to me then it wasn't meant to be; yeah it hurts but I don't want to try to force something. So my advice to you is to ride the pain; know that you're hurting (and that you have friends here who will support you) and cry if you have to. Feel remorse for what you might have done differently. But know that you've been replaced for now...they may fail miserably and serve no purpose but to send your ex running back to you more sure than ever that you are the "one"...equally this new person might turn out to be that one and you were just someone that helped your ex get there...for now we won't know. But if your ex does come back, you'll be in a much better position if you've been strong and given them space..... So stick to No Contact, cry if you have to, but just know that you're not the only one going through this. I honestly believe that things will sort themselves out oneway or the other...either your ex will come back or someone else will take their place. I can't tell you when, but just know that they will. Good luck; I understand totally what you're going through...

Team ENA you are awesome! (as ever) you guys rock and I know what you're saying is right..my plan was to do absolutely nothing. I can't tell her I know ('cos i'm doing NC but also 'cos there's no reason to tell her something that has no purpose and she knows already!) and why would I. So, in short, I can sit there and let things happen. I KNOW he's not me and maybe he's got some positive points I don't have, but I also know he can't beat me in others (and i have no idea who he is or what he does). Bottom line is I'm with you guys 100% and thank you so so so much for your support. I'm low now but I feel so much stronger with this site.... And I'm working on finding new people who can get me out of this mess... Thank you all!