christianh1607306450

Well its a few days later and no word from her whatsoever. I'm veering between feeling angry (at what I perceive to be game playing/insincerity), sad (which may be another way of saying "unloved"), confused and happy that I'm not with someone who clearly (to my mind at least) doesn't seem to give a damn about me or my feelings. I know that's one sided and my perception of the world, rather than a rational balanced view. I've decided that this thread is going to serve four purposes for me: - getting it off my chest and just having the opportunity to share my thoughts with others; - hearing what others have to say about it and listening to their advice; - having a record of what I am thinking/have thought. That way next time she contacts me I am going to read this thread before replying. I know that if she gets all enthusiastic about meeting up that chances are I'll get wrapped up in the moment and forget all the pain and things I'm going through now. I need to remember how bad I've felt at times and moderate my response (if indeed I do respond) accordingly. MajorD's comments seem to me to be spot on and thank you for your interpretations (all of you); - maybe someone else will read this and be able to associate with what I'm going through. Final thought/question: can anyone think of a nice way that I can reply to her when she does get back to me which makes the point that I'm fed up with being treated like a toy. She basically comes back to me every so often and makes nice noises (about meeting up not getting back together) and then fails miserably. Maybe NC (and total and utter NC - ie. just ignoring any contact from her) is the only thing I can do....

Thank you MajorD! Very very helpful and enlightening. Feeling good about myself having read what you said. I feel like I'm being open and dealing with things in a straightforward manner...she seems to be playing games. Odd really cos the dumpee ought to be the one playing games....

Thanks for your comments. The awkward thing was definitely in reference to him being there. But your general point may well be correct so thanks for the thought.

This is a combination of a rant thread and a question (but any response gratefully received). I've been split up with my ex for 5 months now and on Friday it was a mutual friend's birthday and we both went. She took her new guy along, I didn't take anyone (partly cos the situation I'm in isn't as well established...ie still dating not "going out" and in any case I'm not sure I would have wanted to bring anyone) Anyway I turn up, having received a text out of the blue from my ex the afternoon before saying "Happy New Year! Hope to see you at the party later". I didn't reply as I was still unsure if I was ready to face her (pretty much NC til now and hadn't seen her since we split up). Ended up going and she's there with her new guy who is very tactile with her (which clearly throws me). I find a moment to interrupt the conversation I'm having with someone else and go over and see my ex and give her a hug and say "Hi" (thinking it is better for me to seize the initiative). We then chat for a little and she says "I'm seeing someone". To which I say "I know". She says "..and he's here, it's a little awkward". I say "I'm cool with things, nothing need be awkward". She then says "please tell me you're seeing someone" and I say "yeah, early stage stuff, but she's not here". Then the conversation moves on to other things and we catch up. She introduces me to her new guy, although he's having a conversation with someone else and I don't really get to meet him. Ex and I finish our little chat (which I think goes pretty well...no discussion of "us" or anything negative). Then when she comes to leave she says to me "can we meet up for that dinner" (something she'd previously requested but having set up proceeded to cancel at the last minute for what i think were legit reasons). So I said "yes if you suggest some dates we can do it". She then leaves. I then send her a follow up text the following day (I have the excuse of having a new mobile number) which gives her the number (obviously!) and then says "If you still want to do that dinner get in touch with some dates (ball in your court 'cos you cancelled last time)". I then cheekily (this I will admit to) said in a PS to the text that I felt guilty that I hadn't spoken to her new guy properly and wanted to apologise for being rude. I will also admit to sending it as a means of calling her bluff...I'm not letting her get away with "let's meet up" type statements and then not following throuhg. If she doesn't want to or can't then I wish she'd just not suggest doing it. As yet no reply (par for the course). So apart from wanting to put down what happened in writing so that I can get it off my chest, I just don't understand what's going on in her mind. Obviously (given the fact this is in "Getting Back Together" I still have feelings for her) and maybe that's partly cos I'm not seeing someone properly yet (though I really like the new girl..it's just a bit too slow burn for my liking!) but I have soo many questions: - why did she bring him along and then tell me that it was "awkward"? She could have avoided that by not bringing him (he knows no-one else there) - what's with the "let's have dinner" thing which she goes 1/2 way to setting up but then pulls back - what was the "hope to see you tonight" text in aid of? Was that trying to see if I'd be there and if I said "no" or failed to reply did that give her the green light to bring him? - is my "sorry for not speaking to your new guy" text too provocative or should she legitimately have expected me to talk to him and thereforeeee it is apologising for something I should've done? and finally obviously there's the "what the hell does she see in him" type questions (which I know are just jealousy and so am clearly able to ignore). Came away from that with the thought that I have to move on but it also made me cry and well up inside. It doesn't help that I have suspicions she cheated on me (or at the very least set up the new relationship before we split up) but its really got to me. That said, I know this is exactly why NC is a good thing and I'm going back to it. We still have each others stuff and I want to sort that asap and I will go for a 1 on 1 dinner with her if she comes back with a date, but otherwise NC. Any thoughts/comments welcomed.

Very helpful ManOfPlans...thanks. Still not sure what to do - I guess I'm secretly hoping that either my ex will contact me beforehand or that i find out she's definitely not going....but of course life isn't that easy!

Here's my view: I think the best thing you've been told is to give her space. If you really love her then let her go and do what she wants (even if this means she goes with someone else). Just retreat, get on with your life and see what happens. The relationship will only work longterm (which I presume is what you want) if she comes back to you of her own free will...so let her go out there, see what else she can find and then if you are meant to be together, she will find you again. All too often people think that contacting their ex is the best way to keep themselves in the picture - it isn't...if they wanted to talk to you or see you then they know how to get hold of you. In the meantime you need to pull back and let them do what they want. It makes you seem a whole lot stronger and attractive. Whatever you do don't go chasing her out of desperation - it isn't attractive and it won't endear you. Phrases like "I am nothing without you" are often used - think about it! That phrase suggests that the ex who is being chased, is being chased by "nothing"...how unappealing! Be yourself, go out and have fun...try not to think of her and if you are meant to be together something will work itself out. I know it is painful (I've been there) but you need to make sure that any reconciliation is for the right reasons..... And I'm not just preaching this, I am actively doing it myself at the moment - I want her back, but I am not going to chase her - she needs to realise what she's missing. That might take time and it might never happen, but at least I'll know that if we do get back together, it will be because that's what she wants.....in the meantime, I'm busily looking for someone else... Good luck and keep us posted!

Wow....I think you were quite brave to do what you did. But remember that just because she is with him now, doesn't mean she won't come back to you. I know how easy it is to be devastated when you know they've found someone else, but that doesn't mean they don't still have feelings for you. It is good if you can get closure this way, but equally you should realise that after the initial infatuation passes you might just find her coming back to you...as long as you don't chase her away... Still, if you think you've got closure then that is great news! Good luck

I've read your posts with interest. I was left by my girlfriend of 5 years late last year...I am convinced that we are meant to be together. However, I've realised that if this is the case, then we can't force it to happen - she has to realise in herself..and if she doesn't then it won't work. I am thereforeeeeeee giving her space and letting her contact me when she wants. There's no point in chasing a woman if she's made her mind up to do something else. Don't lose contact with her, but don't try to force her either. Love is something which you can't force...give her space, make sure she knows you are there if she wants you. There is no need to call/email her - if she wants to get in touch with you then she will...the best thing to do is to look as if you are walking away and getting on with life...that might sound odd, but it will make her think about what she has done. If you are permanently there for her, then there is no need for her to come back to you quickly. Make her realise what she is missing by being happy and getting on with your life - that will make you far more attractive than being miserable and chasing her will. Hope this doesn't sound like harsh advice, but it is really what I think..and what I'm doing myself to try to rescue my relationship...