hjc

River Dog - you have a "nice" problem which is that the ball is in her court...you're comfortable with where you are...she probably "needs" to react. Stay calm, keep positive and be prepared for anything. Love the story and can't wait to hear the next chapter! Good luck.

Firstly know that we are here for you whatever you decide to do..take or leave the advice but the awesome thing about the forum is that we all give a damn about each other and that's without even having met. So think about that. Some strangers want you to be happy. Why? Well 'cos we think you sound great. So just take that thought and transfer it into what you do when you meet your ex. I suggest you come up with a clever new idea as to what you can do/where you can go. Go to a comedy club, a bowling alley, an art gallery, a cool bar, an ice rink, a City bus tour, a wine tasting session or whatever. Do something new (but make sure it isn't a play, movie or club or something where you dont' interact). That way you can still talk and have fun at the same time. If you show some initiative (and the web or local listing guides can help) you'll seem like someone with their finger on the pulse/fun without even trying.... Do something new together which you've suggested. Try to surprise him (in a nice way!) with something fun. Then there's not a compromise, íts a different venue to be in. Once you've taken that initiative, then just enjoy the fact that you've come up with something that will surprise him...that should build your confidence when you are with him.. And then go for it and have a blast. If you have infectious enthusiasm for what you are doing, then he'll have to join in...and you become instantly more attractive to him. Good luck!

Don't do it! You'll wreck what you've achieved so far. NC all the way. Much more satisfying if she contacts you....

My guess is that you've responded confidently (ie. well) to what he did. He wanted to see if you were still 'there' for him and he's not sure. So he's covering his tracks by seeing what you thought of what happened. I think he's looking for some kind of validation that you are still there for him. Which he gets by prompting you to talk about what happened... So, just ignore it. I think he's having doubts and needs reassurance (a bit like when the dumpee tries to elicit an "I love you", "I miss you" type comment from the dumper). You should have no reason to give him any satisfaction on that front.... Leave him to his uncertainties and fears...you're doing well; he may not be.

I think I'm probably in the position he's in right now - been dumped 'cos my ex needs space to figure out what she wants. I've tried to be as supportive as I can. Key thing you need to do is to work out what you want and then if you want to get back with him be absolutely clear. If you've behaved half decently then you've got more chance of getting him back. And if you don't then that's fine, just move on. Don't count on him as a friend..not for now anyhow. In the short term everyone suffers...sorry but that's the way it is.

Unfortunately no-one knows what is going to happen. You've taken your decision and that's your prerogative. Breakups are generally horrible (unless the relationship meant nothing) so you are bound to feel a mixture of confusion, sadness, uncertainty and fear...but presumably you broke up for a reason so you may also feel relief that you've done it. Having been dumped twice after long term relationships (the most recent 2 weeks ago) I can tell you that the dumpee is going to be going through hell. However, the worst thing you can do is give them false hope by continually checkign up on them. I understand your fear of having made a huge mistake. Only time will tell whether that is the case. You may find that by the time you realise it, he's gone. Equally he may not want to give you a second chance if you do. But equally he might do. You might discover that it wasn't a mistake and that you've taken a good decision. But no-one, even you, can know that right now. Time is the only thing which will give you clarity. Bottom line is that you have made your decision and the best thing you can do is to try it out and see what happens. So even if it is tough, I would give it a little time and see how things turn out. If you do decide to go back, it will be much better if you've had some space to really see what you're missing (or not!). Try to behave with decency to your ex. That doesn't mean being there for them (which can make things worse), it means respecting them and understanding if they react in a strange way. If you meet someone new, then avoid rubbing their face in it. Equally let them have some space to start afresh themselves. Dumpers can often "check in" on the dumpee to make sure they are ok and will sometimes say things like "I love you", "I miss you" etc. as a way of checking that they still have the dumpee in their grasp. It gives the dumpee false hope and traps them into expecting a 2nd chance...so see if you can avoid giving false hope. All in all, you've taken a tough decision and there are consequences. Just try to live each moment and in time clarity will come. I know as a dumpee that life can be awful and one assumes the dumper is doing fine. Breakups are horrible for all involved...but then if they weren't one would have to question the quality of the relationship. Good luck and keep posting here if you need to....

I'm currently in day 16 of NC (which I initiated without telling my ex who dumped me). We actually split up almost 4 weeks ago and I haven't contacted her since then. However she contacted me a week after we split by phone on a matter which we genuinely had to discuss (so I restarted the NC stopwatch!). At the time of breaking up I hadn't read some of the things posted here and so my last words to her in person were that I hoped we could remain friends. However my subsequent actions have been totally in line with NC. When we spoke a week after the split she ended up saying "let's catch up properly tomorrow". I hesitated and she said "I don't mean in person" and I said "I don't think that's a good idea. We both need space right now". So I've kind of made my point re. NC but equally I haven't. Although it hurts like hell, I am managing to stick to NC (I think because I messed up a previous breakup badly by doing all the usual wrong things) and am confident I can continue to do so. Having read lots of your posts I know that NC is the best bet for me to get on with my life and at the same time give the best chance to her coming back. Doing a bit of planning ahead here, but when she does contact me (and it will be her getting in touch with me not vice versa) I want to know how to tell her about NC. I'm just nervous of messing things up and saying too much/the wrong thing. I know one can't prepare for everything and probably whatever I do prepare for might not suit the situation but.... We still have stuff at each other's places which we need to deal with so that might be the premise. Any suggestions welcome.

Its soul/RNB type stuff. Think Angie Stone, Stevie Wonder.... See link removed

Quick background - got dumped around 3 weeks ago, have been NC ever since (pretty much following the Major's Perfect Plan with one exception when she contacted me). Want her back but also want to be ok with myself. Anyway, ages ago I bought 2 tickets to see a concert by someone called India Arie (soul singer) whom my ex and I both like. Obviously it would go against NC to invite her (I figured even if she had called me before the concert and knew I was going, it would be wrong for her to get the benefit of going with me (and I genuinely believe that going and "going with me" are 2 separate benefits ) So I tried a few friends and none wanted to or could go. So I figured I'd go on my own. Sold my spare ticket to someone else and then went into the concert. Had a fantastic time...she's an amazing performer.. But what was really hard/awesome (yeah I know real mixed emotions) was that she's just brought out an album called "Testimony: Vol 1 Life & Relationship" and in short it is written about her breakup. And it really resonated with me. Some stuff is about dealing with it but the vast majority is about being positive about yourself. There's a track in which she forgives her ex for what he's done to her and then one called Private Party which is all about having fun on her own. I think she's an incredible artist and if you want an album that might just pick up some of the emotions involved in a breakup (and more importantly how to see the other side) then I heartily recommend it. Made me cry and smile and I love her positivity....my favourite line is "it doesn't cost a thing to smile"..which is absolutely true. Sorry to bang on about a CD, but she (as she said at the concert tonight) covers the grey area between "full on love when you feel amazing" and the Alanis Morrissette type rage against the ex. It helped me.... Hugs to you all.

I agree but that doesn't neccessarily mean that people won't do it. Sometimes emotions cause people to do disfunctional things...