NCTuskie

Almost a week after I replied to my ex's text message inquiry about her Tennis shoes, she writes me a letter (as I predicted). Background info can be found here: The Text Message can be found in a thread I started a week ago. She doesn't say anything that she didn't say 4 weeks ago, when she "needed" time to think. I'll paraphrase her letter but it goes something like this: "This is hard for me. I am sorry if I led you on and I know I hurt you. I felt at the time that I did want to spend the rest of my life and my girls life with you. Now I've through all these changes (She's newly enlisted in the Army and attending AIT), I feel as if I'll never be ready to commit my life to marriage because of the fact that I don't believe in divorce. I don't put myself andmy girls through anything close to that. Yeah I might be doing it now, but I feel that this is the right and the best thing to do. I feel real bad for all that your going through, and for doing this to you. I never set out to or intended to hurt you in anyway. I hope that we can look past the hurt and pain and befriend, (my name). You are such the sweetest person that I've ever met. I hope that you stay that way. I know that you have a lot offer any female and the one who marry, or be with is so lucky to have you in her life. Nothing can change how I feel about you. I love you (my name), but I'm not in love with you. I feel that you've loved me more than I've ever loved you. You put me on your pedalstool, but I feel I don't deserve that because I didn't feel the same way about you. I don't know what else to say or do to make either one of us happy and not hurt. Thank you for what you've done for me and my girls. If there is anything that I can do for you just let me know and I'll try to do it. Ok. I'm so sorry (my name). I'll try to call you or write you. Take care, and I wish only the best for you and your future. I hope find your true happiness. I really hope that we can be friends and work through this. Let me know when you get this okay." Well if this came two weeks ago, or if I hadn't visited this forum, I would be in worse shape than I am right now. I actually feel fine. I almost laughed as I read it. I predicted that she'd take the non-confrontational route. Since we last spoke, I initiated NC (25 days strong). Only contact I received from her was about her sneakers. I'm still unsure where to go now. I'm fine with more NC, but I don't want her to think I'm sitting around crying over her, and I don't want to look like an * * * * * * *. Do I tell her that I got the letter? Or keep on with NC? Both of us are Military, and we'll have a chance to meet face-to-face next month sometime. Should I take advantage of that? Or let it go? While this is the third or fourth person to break up with me, this is the first one who's wanted to stay civil. All the others have broken contact, and I'm glad to be rid of them. So while moving on is not a new thing for me, this part of it is. Any input is appreciated.

Some of us are around

I've alloted myself a lot of time to work on me before I date again. Simply being that the type of women I chose to have a relationship with, are of such a small community that getting back into a relationship is not a convinient (sp?) thing. Infact I'm trying to move to where I'd meet more women like that (but not moving for that purpose). I've expended my resources here. So in essense I'm "Closed for Business". Infact meeting my current ex kept me from moving in the first place. Now I'm focusing on moving where I want to live without any distractions.

Don't do what I did. I went out and slept with somebody else. It worked for that moment, but still left with the emptyness my ex filled. It was only a physical release, and I found it hard to be intimate (no kissing, cuddling, etc). I don't recommend it. If there is a silver lining, I don't feel the urge to go out and find another woman for that purpose. A friend of mine is planning a trip to the Dominican Republic for the sole reason of getting with as many women as he can. 6 months ago, I was onboard (then off when I met my current ex), then after the break up I was onboard again. Now I'm getting back off. I'm not in that mindframe anymore, and I don't want to shell out probably $1,000 to play his wingman fo a week. Sorry to get off topic, but hope this helps.

I know how you feel. I went from being engaged to being just friends practically overnight. It sucks, and you're not the only one going through this experience. I've met people online, and once got burned really bad... talked and "dated" for about four months before we finally met. And I agree with Someguy, don't get involved with somebody that you cannot be in a relationship with. I'll even take it a step further and say don't get involved with somebody you cannot physically be with several times a week. I will say that I have met ladies online, but only once have I carried on something with somebody I've never met face to face for so long. And I got burned, and crushed really bad. So as a rule I try to make a face-to-face meeting within two weeks or so (on top of that I only try to meet local people). But nowadays I don't try to pick up people online anymore. That even goes for IM... if I have something to say to somebody I'll just pick up the phone. Continue NC... Out of sight, out of mind, give up the net for a while if you have to. I was in your shoes with someone long distance (not to the point of marriage), and I felt that was easier to deal with than somebody who is in your face all the time. Hope this helps

After reading so much that has helped me deal with my current situation, I've seen somethings where I thought I might be able to give some of my experience. Naturally everybody reading this post has a connection with the World Wide Web in some way shape or form, and chances are we're all net saavy and spend a great deal of time online. There's also a good chance that we communicate with our exes or signficant others through the internet. While we may try to initiate NC through conventional means (ie no phone calls, text messaging, letters, visiting, etc), when we're online we may not be able to help bumping into our exes in one way shape or form. My solution? Unplug the net for one month. It maybe hard for some (especially for those who frequent this site), and easy for others. But if NC can be compromised while you're online, then cut it off. Several years ago I met and dated several ladies I met and communicated with online. All of them ended in disaster, and after the last one I decided that I needed to change. I felt that the time I spent on the net wasn't good for me at all, and I became to dependent on it for too many things, especially in regards to my personal relationships. I decided to pull the plug cold turkey. I even refrained from using the net at work. I asked my supervisors to give me any work related information via paper memo's. So I stopped using the internet for one month. No exceptions, didn't even check it on my cell phone. In all actuality I really needed more than a month to accomplish what I wanted to mentally, and emotionally but I did come a long ways in that month. When my month was up, and I got back online I thought I was going to spend hours and hours trying to "catch up". In reality, it took me less than thirty minutes to clear my inboxes, and read what was important. I didn't feel the need to catch up on a month's worth of dialouge on the message forums I frequent, and I cleared a lot of useless sites from my Favorites. My buddy list for all of my IM's was cut drastically. As far as I was concerned, if I didn't get an IM during my absense they were deleted. Some people did notice my absense and sent messages. I figure that if I'm not important enough to them to get a welfare check during a noticeable, and unexplained absense then why bother? For some of my friends who were on my buddy list, I would call or visit them. Getting off the net also gave me time to do things, that I had been neglecting. At the same time that gave me the chance to put the bad stuff that had been going on out of my mind. So if you find it difficult to maintain NC on the WWW, then do away with it for a month. Give it a try. Hope this helps.

I agree. Don't look at her profile. Too bad there isn't a way to show your ex that you're not looking at her profile, but as long as your signed on, all your ex can do is assume and speculate that you're looking at her profile. Several years ago I had a run of bad luck with women I had met online (two of them local, and one long distance). All of them were back-to-back. I blamed the net, and cut myself off entirely for a month. No email, no chat, not even email related to work. After my month was up, I found myself less inclined to fall into my old habits. It's a unique form of NC, but I swear it works.

Hang in there Red, I know exactly how you feel. We know we should move on with our lives, but we're holding on to our ex's. NC is killing me to, I know that if I call her I'll feel worse, or may hear something that may push me over the edge, but I'm wanting to heal so I'll be able to deal with that when the time comes. All the friends who talked to me the first week of the break up are all gone now. The phone calls I received have now all stopped, which leaves me alone with my thoughts. Probably the cause for my relapse now. I can't imagine being with somebody else. I don't feel like dating, and going on with my life is hard. To me it's an issue of mind over matter, no matter the hurt, if I tell myself it's what I need to do, I make myself do it. It's how I can cope.

You've been in this for three weeks now. I know the other shoe hasn't dropped yet, but you still need to keep moving forward with your life. I know you want to get to the bottom of whats really bugging her. Understand that it'll never be the same so you need to move forward. You can live life without her, if you don't want to be the guy you were before you met her then don't be. Just be smarter next time. Use your head and not your heart. Everything will be fine.

I text her back a few days later and said, "I looked and I don't have them." Left it at that. She replied, "Ok". Not really sure if thats what she was expecting or not, but everyone told me I did the right thing for now. Question is, if she's playing games do I keep playing? Or at what point do I stop, and say "just call me and tell me whats on your mind?"

Ummm we'd been dating about a month, and she broke it off... for like 6 hours. Called back and apologized. I didn't care one way or the other, and should have been the bigger man and cut her loose for good. Dated another month and a half and I broke it off. We both knew it was coming. In my current situation we've been together 4 months and she broke it off. NC for three weeks now.

1. Are you Dumper or Dumpee in this relationship, was it maybe more complicated than that, or did you both agree it was better to part? Dumpee 2. how long was the a.) relationship before breakup 4 Months b.) break Three Weeks c.) time of NC Three Weeks d.) relationship after getting back together (if applicaple) 3. Who initiated contact after NC (Dumper or Dumpee) (answer no matter whether you are friends now or got back together) She Has 4. If applicable: Who initiated getting back together? (Dumper or Dumpee) N/A 5. If not back together: are you friends now (rate friendship on a scale from 1 for "we kind of still talk" to 10 "Best friend" N/A... Still in NC 6. Do you think getting back was/ would have been a good idea? I think it would be if we take our time 7. Reason for breakup given by the dumper (check one or more) c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) Needs Space 8. Real reasons (make a guess if you are not the dumper) a)Love died c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) 9: Rate this relationship according to importance for your life in retrospect from 1 "just a crush, now that i think about it" to 10 "This was the one" 10: Rate you feelings about this relationship now from 1-10, 1 being " I am completely unsathisfied with this relationship, it leaves a bad taste" to 10 "something real good came out of this for me" 9 11. Comments: Crucial things we need to know about this relationship EDIT: 12: If applicable: What was the reason for getting back together on your side a.) Love c.) Problems had solved d.) Trust that problems could be solved e.) missing the partner f.) realizing the partner was the one

Hell yeah I ride horses... about 150 of them at a time... My Yamaha R1, lol

Irregardless, I think she just wanted to get in touch with me...and not about shoes... The real reason why?... only she knows... But I think the ball is in my court to make the next move. I sure do not want to be the eager beaver and contact her right back, but I'm gonna hog the ball for a while.

I think I'm in Testing from one of the links. I started looking for options to moving on... Not necessarily to fix my own situation, but in order to go on with my life. They were a little rash and impulsive, but I think I've been going through them pretty quick. Fortunately this isn't my first rodeo.

-Went too fast too soon. -Lack of communication -Military

I think I'm going to leave it alone for the moment. If she text me in a day or two about the same situation, then I'll say something... act like I never got the text in the first place.

This is actually the direction I was looking for. It wasn't like she was asking an open ended question like "hey whats up", but on the other hand the question she asked seems too transparent to me. I didn't want politeness to be confused with something else.

I'm glad I didn't send a text back. But I do think that at some point we'll have to talk within the next month. I've got a pending deployment, and she'll be graduating AIT and getting her first assignment. On top of that I think she'll want to reconcile before then (not necessarily get back together, but want to talk about it). At the moment I don't want to give in.

...Last night, but I didn't get it until this morning. She said, "can you check you truck for my tennis shoes. I will have to buy a new pair. I have stress fractures in my heel" (in text message language). This is the first real communication I've gotten from her in two weeks. Firstly, she's been at AIT training for exactly a month now, and she should have figured out by now where her tennis shoes are. Secondly, in addition to some stuff she requested the week before she broke up with me, I sent her everything she left in my vehicle (more or less I would have told her weeks ago whether she left anything I thought she'd need in my car). Thirdly her text message was pretty pointless because she gave the solution to her own problem, so why send me a text to begin with? My first reaction was to give a simple reply "No", "They're not here", etc and leave it at that. Thats what I would have done before reading this site, but now I'm inclined not to and stick to NC. I just want to make sure that by not replying would not be percieved as rude... just incase she "really" thinks that her stuff is in my car.

I've kicked that idea around, and it sounds reasonable. But its hard to know for sure with her. I mean she never asked/received anything from me financially (aside from flowers, dinner, etc). On top of that she always offered to pay me back (sometimes I refused, but often accepted to keep things even). Even as far as the JP thing goes, I laid down my own guidelines, and she was agreeable to that. I wish it were that easy... she was using me, and her conscience got the best of her. That would be easier for me to swallow than this that I'm going through.

P.S. You must train yourself to let go of what you fear losing the most. -Yoda

Would appreciate any comments on my situation... Post #1104

NCTuskie, I know you're hurting a lot, and you're tired of being fooled. I know that you had it figured out this time, and was sure that she was the one. Life goes on. Every girl gets better than the last one. Just be patient. Do what you have to do. Me.

For example, I've been in NC for two weeks. Because she hasn't called, some of my friends have called her just about every name in the book. Others have taken the complete opposite stance and said that she'll call when she gets ready. That type of stuff is difficult to sort through, leaving me with wanting to sort through this on my own and let time take its course.