NCTuskie

Yeah... NC Bandwagon, was one thread I was looking for, but too lazy to search for it. The other was Letters to our Ex's.

A part of me didn't want to waste a thread on this, but some of the topics I would have normally posted under have been buried within the forums, that its easier just to do this. Its been a while since I've posted, or even surfed this site. Back over the summer, a woman I thought I would/could marry broke up with me after a 4 month relationship... The long and short of it, I was crushed... It was the third time this had happened to me, and I was looking for answers, help, advice and I found this site. After about three days of doing the usual dumpee stuff I initiated NC. She initiated contact after several weeks, over trivial stuff (lost shoes, birthday wishes, theme park tickets). A month after the breakup she told me she missed me. I told her the next time she was feeling lonely she needed to call somebody else. That was four months ago, and I've not heard from her since. Since then I've rid myself of everything that reminds me of her, and have had no desire to speak with her. I tried to do a lot of the stuff that I read on this site to get myself back on track. A few things worked... but, honestly, a lot of stuff I tried just didn't work... And that seemed to sink me deeper. If I've made any attempt at self-improvement, I think it's been trying to stop being "a nice guy". But ultimately I think time is what did it. I reenlisted with the military active duty. The breakup is a major reason for it... but the way I see it, after the breakup, the old me is no more. So I've sought to do away with my "old self", and create the '07 model NCTuskie. New job, new look, new attitude. I decided to post because as the date of my reenlistment draws near, I've been thinking about her, and putting my thoughts here is a way of release with some positive feedback. Thanks to the advice I've received from the people here. The help has been invaluable.

As usual, I often feel that my last situation was unique. With my ex having been in Army boot camp, it wasn't like we were together constantly. When she graduated, we saw each other for only 3 days (the last time I've seen her). And we had two weeks worth of phone conversations since then. So having analyzed our last few weeks/days of contact... I deduced this... 1. No sex after graduation. After the break up a friend of mine (female) said that was a red flag to her. She said any woman who had been around other females for two months and deprived of sex, would have jumped my bones at the first chance. During the time we were together (which was a lot), I received little affection at all. 2. The day before she broke up with me, she didn't answer her phone. I had planned on visiting, her second Sunday at AIT. The day before I was working. I called her that day to make arrangements of when, and where to meet her, but didn't get a call. When sunday came around, I made other plans, because I didn't want to drive 3 hours to visit her for no reason. She called later that afternoon. She cut the conversation short, but didn't end it with "I love you" or anything like that. That same night she broke up with me. Looking for red flags does less for pinpointing when it went wrong, than it does bring up other instances that causes me to think.

Me? Let's see... First girl I dumped... a relationship of over a year. I was young 21 and she was 18. I didn't see it going anywhere. I didn't feel like she would be the one I could spend the rest of my life with. I knew that I had a lot of growing up to do, and so did she. Instead of vesting several more years waiting for her to grow up, I dumped her. Not to mention that she was overweight, and always made issues about it. Second girl... Don't really know if we were bf/gf, rather than just friends with benefits. She seemed like a nice girl, but was rather unmotivated. In the few months I we were together we never really did anything. Eventually I accepted a job in another state. When I broke the news she was upset, and I was surprised that she felt the way she did. The next three relationships involved me getting dumped, and blown off. Third girl I dumped... although she's a good woman, just wasn't compatable with my career and life goals. Probably a stupid reason for dumping a chick, but I had to put myself first. Last girl I dumped... had maturity, drug, and alcohol issues. Although she was the closest woman to being supportive in what I wanted to do, I had to let that go. Now I've been dumped again.

I understand where you're coming from. I had an intimate encounter about a week after my break up. It was from a previous ex who had been throwing it at me for years, and I decided to catch this one time. I felt the same way... meaningless, un-intimate, I just wanted her to leave and be left alone. Now its been nearly three months since the break up, and I went out on my first date since then. It was a blind date, and I went out basically to get the party who arranged it of my back. While I went into it with an open mind, she really wasn't my type, so I don't expect it to go anywhere. It'll take time bro'. Don't rush it- believe me. Take time to be by yourself, as cliche'd as it sounds. You'll live and love once again, but you have give it time.

Can't do friends right now. I'm a little full in the friend department, and I can't even commit to them.

Two months and going strong.

There's nothing to it, but to do it.

4 Months. Yes I did love her (still do I suppose). We had planned on getting married (mistake #1), which probably ruined what could have been a pretty healthy and fulfilling relationship.

One month before she text me over some trivial issues. Limited contact for another two weeks or so. Finally she sent me a text saying she missed me. I replied telling her to call someone else the next time she felt lonely... It's been two months since then, with no word.

I was againts tattoo's growing up... strict religious household. I got one after I joined the Navy... depicting that of course. It's a good time in my life, and I'm proud of that. It will always be a permanent reminder of that time. If coming out of a breakup makes you stronger, and you want to remember that time in your life... then do so.

Just wanted to open this up on the floor... but what are your thoughts about the length of a relationship in regards to time to heal? Reconcilliation? Getting back together? Do you think there is a "probationary period"? In other words if the relationship last beyond a certain timeframe or milestone, it stands a better chance of working? A majority of the threads I've read in the past two months, have involved relationships that have lasted a year or more. Two or three seem to be common. The relationship that brought me here lasted only four months, and we were together for barely two months before both of us departed for military training. While it has sucked for the past two months since the breakup, its hard for me imagine what it would be like for to have a year's worth of memories and emotional attachment to dwell on. Thoughts?

...probably because I'm hopped up on Caffiene... or maybe I AM truly feeling better. Since my ex broke up with me... my plan for moving on, has always been moving away. Before I met her, I was in the process of seeking a job out-of-state, halfway accross the country... or doing more with the military than I'm doing right now (besides one weekend a month). When we were together, I dropped all of those plans to be with her. Fortunately, after the breakup, I was able to pick-up where I left off with those plans. There was only one minor set back... the primary job I was seeking was closed, and probably will not open up for another couple of years. I sacrificed that for her, and at the time told myself I would not hold that choice I made against her... And I haven't. I did have the choice of taking other jobs in that area. On the other hand, I had the option of going active duty... Which is new territory for me (been reserve my entire career- with several stints here and there). Last month while I found myself packing a mule, rock climbing, and hiking up a mountain for the first time in my life. When I reached the top of Lost Canyon Peak, and looked down at what I had accomplished- I thought to myself... "I'd never be able to do this on my old job".... The same thought occurred when I was cleaning the hooves of a mule... And for two weeks I didn't think about my ex. ...Fast forward to today. I hope I can tie this all in. I was thinking about the moving on thing in relation to the ex. I remember having dropped one gal sometime ago. I don't think I really broke her heart, since we dated about a month or so... And I think I did all the right things as a dumper- if there is such a thing (bottom line is I saw problems coming up early, that would have been bad down the road). About seven months later, I found myself "checking up" on her. Most of it had to do with me just being nosey, not wanting anything out of her. But part of me wanted to know if she had changed since we'd been together. Unfortunately she hadn't. She jumped right out of our relationship into another one, not to mention that she had just gotten out of a very, very long one before ours (and baggage from that was one reason I to cut it off). She also always talked of big plans for her career and for school, and she was in the same place. By this time I had expected her to have been graduated and moved onto a better job. While I was glad that she was alright, and hadn't been turned off of men, I was not impressed that she was still basically the same person. She hadn't changed, and she seemed like the same person I was uninterested in when we were together. I really expected a lot of her. That has given me a lot of motivation to get on with my plans. Since this isn't my first rodeo on the break-up bull, I've always changed myself after breakups... for the good I think. I've lost weight, bought a motorcyle, joined the Navy, etc (not all at once). And I think this is my next big step here. ... I've been back and forth on other sites, while trying to type this up, so I've lost my train of thought. But I do think there are two or three points in here that somebody somewhere can take from this.

"A Change is Gonna Come" Sam Cooke

And that is one of the many reason why I want to go back. I've accomplished so much, and never failed.

Wow, I feel better already.

I feel just lousy. It's been two months post-break up and a month since the last time we had any contact at all. I thought I was doing all of the right things after the break up. After the first few days I initiated NC... until she started playing games. The eventually led up to me telling her to find somebody else to play games with. Shortly after that I left for training. It took me away from home, put me into a new enviornment, new challenges that kept my mind off her and off the breakup. For the first time since then I felt really good. When I got home I felt bad... Didn't want to be home. I decided that I wanted to go back into the Navy full-time (or pursue another career opp). Since being home the job fell through, and is outof the question for a while. It's been difficult trying to get myself back into the Navy (a bad headache really). I've tried "dating" again, but I'm turning into the guy I was before I met my ex- and I just don't want to do that. And going into the Navy is my excuse for leaving that lifestyle alone. I thought I was doing so good. I guess since nearly all of my plans for moving on are falling through I'm starting to feel like crap. I had a plan before I met my ex, I had a plan when I met my ex, and now the execution of it is all fouled up. Plan A, B, and C aren't working... or fast enough. I guess I just needed a medium to express myself. It's not like I can call her anyway (deleted her phone number- and I don't know it by heart). Just venting.

Culturally: We're both have the same background. As I've gotten older I've decided that it would be best for me, to get someone from my own background. When I found her, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. Especially where I live. We had so much in common in that regards. For her, I was the first person from her background that she'd dated. I understood her and her people, and how important that is to her. My own relationship history: Take my last three. The first girl was very similiar too me. We had the same background same upbringing, but there were things that I did she didn't like. Those things were very important to me, which is why I cut it off. The next girl was a step closer. But she was drug user, didn't work, and had no ambition for doing anything in life. I dropped her quick. The next one was not like me in anyway. She had two kids. She worked, had her priorities in order to a certain degree. But the amount of baggage she had going on my life, and the fact that she couldn't relate to me and the things I do... I had to drop her. I tried to bring her in, so she can get a feel for what I do, but she rejected that. Finally I met my ex, and she was everything I wanted out of the last three relationships but didn't have. Her Baggage: She had two kids. Different fathers. That didn't really bother me, because both her and I know that the upbringing of kids in our community is a community thing (the whole village to raise a child thing applies). Although I'd rather not date anybody with kids, I took it on a case-by-case situation, and felt that I could live with her and her kids. She also had other issues she opened up to me about that bothered me, but I was willing to look past it- not holding it against her. Vocationally: I was glad that she was going places. She was enlisting in the Army at the time I met her. I was already in the Navy as a reservist. At the time I met I was at a crossroads of pursuing a career in the military full-time, or pursuing my present civilian occupation someplace else. Bottom line is that I was moving too. Since I was more flexible than she, I was the one willing to pick up and leave. Because she was trying to support herself and her kids I didn't expect her to do the same for me. Physically: No supermodel, but one of the most beautiful women I've dated. Time: We only spent a month and half together before I left for training, and then she left for boot camp. We wrote constantly, and she called me when she could. We only spent three more days together when she graduated and had to report for extra training. Something inside me told me to talk with her, about our status, but I just wanted to enjoy our time together. Now its over.

Thanks. Her little girl will be turning 2 this year. I do miss her, because I feel like I was the father she didn't (doesn't) have. But like I said before, her mom made the decision to keep me out of her life.

I finally did it. I hadn't erased her phone number from my phone book before hand, namely because there are few instances where I delete anybody from there. But over the last two weeks, for some reason it has been staring at me in the face. I justified NOT deleting it because I wanted to know when she called so that I could ignore her. Or "just in case" I needed to call for some reason. I even told myself "why erase it, because you'll know who it is by the area code... she's one of three people in that area code who could be calling you" (I don't know her number by heart). The other day I read something here (or maybe on another message board), that went like, "To be cruel is to be kind", and it talked about removing IM screen names, phone numbers, pictures, etc. Up until this point I had done all of that. As a matter of fact within 72 hours of the break up I boxed up everything of her's or our's- pictures, letters, clothing. I even erased her pictures and ringtones from my cell phone but not her number. However, as I said before, for some reason her phone number had really bothered me, and I was afraid to delete it. The other day I erased it. I erased her number, her mother's, and her cousin. I felt like I really cut her loose. After I erased it I realized that I wouldn't be able to call in October to wish her little girl a Happy Birthday. I was really close to her, and I even wanted to adopt her as my own if me and her mother got together. Eventually I just told myself that it was her mom who decided that she didn't want me to be part of her life or both of her girls lives. So maybe I should respect that.

Hey dude I went through the exact same situation a month ago with my ex. Been in NC for almost the exact same amount of time, and received a text message out of the blue over some trival matter. It's a short thread and details how I dealt with it, and the advise from others.

Good points

Hmmm intesting theory. Do explain. Negative emotion... With my current ex... no. In previous ones... yes, but with those I knew we weren't going anywhere relationship wise, and the hassle wasn't worth it my opinion.

I will agree to that statement. But it's not that I seek them out... or at least I don't think I don't. Could be a sub-conscience thing. Generally when red-flags do fly up I drop them early on. Nothing against you, but I've heard this time, and time again... and the result has always been the same. And I think those situations are the ones I have trouble dealing with the most. I don't know how I come accross really. I stopped a long time trying to be stuff I'm not (players, thugs, etc). I just be me, and try not to put up any fronts or games.

Didn't know which forum to post this thread, but I think it's applicable to "healing". One of the things I've been having trouble dealing with during the dissolvment of a relationship, is being told that I'm "too good", "such a nice a guy", "any girl would be lucky to have you", etc. In addition to that I those phrases are always preambled with "it's not you, it's me..." I guess I can say I was raised a good kid... never been in the trouble with the law (aside from traffic violations). I don't have any kids. I have a steady income, and a stable job (although I'm considering switching from reserve military to active duty). I've never cheated in any of my past relationships... and despite my best efforts, I'm relatively drama/baggage free. Sometimes I think that I need a little dirt under my fingernails before I can keep somebody around. This is already breakup number 3, for the same reason. Just venting I guess.