backinlife

Update and hope for totally heartbroken: My boy and I are getting married this year. i did everything wrong during the breakup, i whined and cried, and when I stopped doing that, he started missing me so bad. We were back together after 3 horrible months and i think be both learned that this love is hard to destroy. Which is one of the reasons why we can make the decision to get married and be very confident about it. So cheer up heartbrokens, if its meant to be....

Yes it does! Problem: contact sucks even more

She would if she could i suppose... If she doesn't she might not want to, or not be sure enough. Don't tell her that. You are not playing, she is. You were clear and now its on her. She asked for stinky tennis shoes, take it for what it is. I know it feels wrong, and i know you feel that she tries to make contact to open the door. But if she wants to open the door, she needs to touch the handle, pull it down and OPEN it. Knocking is not enough for you to open it. Don't sell out. I think you did the right thing. Mona

What was I thinking??? He forwarded me a mass email the next day, also stupid, lifted me up again. But as of today I am lower than last week. Just a phase... It was nice to be ok for a couple of days, but now I am back to the same old. I really do love him, I guess, always did. I know he does too. Sometimes simple things get so complicated... I almost get angry, looking at how easy it all could be. But well, that must be life.

Are you really sure you want to give up the USMA for her? And you don't want to make it an issue for her? Tell her you applied and they rejected you anyway. And tell her you are happy, now you don't have to feel strange about not going. Tell her you really wanted to be with her, but you applied because all her talk that you shouldn't make a concession that big made you crazy. So now you are happy faith decided... Its a lie, but I think if you don't do it, its a lot of pressure for her and it will influenece the relationship.... I hope i am not mean for advocating a lie. Mona

Reasons on my side: - I cheated - How stupid can one person be? I CHEATED - I Cheated and expected him to forgive me His side - He couldn't forgive me - He was in a dificult life situation - He was lost and crushed - He was scared to put himself up for another fall - He was not ready to give up anything for me anymore ...wow, he really does have his reasons....

1. Dumper 2. a.) 16 month b.) 1 month c.) 2 weeks d.) 1 month 3. Dumper 4. Dumper 5. 2 6. No 7. b, c, h, 8. b, c,, h, l 9: 4 10.: 6 12: b,e,h 1. Dumper 2. a.) 23 months b.) -- c.) 3 years d.) -- 3. Dumpee 4. -- 5. 1 6. No 7. b, c, h, 8. a, b, d, h, 9: 5 10: 6 1. Dumpee? 2. how long was the a.) 6 months b.) c.) 1 year d.) 3. Dumpee 4. 5. 2 6. yes 7. k,l,m 8. k,l,m 9: 8 10. 7

Hey, Calgaryguy is my hero, he did it man. I read some of his posts to find out the secret to getting back together and came accross a post where he tries to find data on getting back together...And I think we should try that again and see how things look now. So please just give data on the following questions for each of your EX (doesn't matter wether you have gotten back together or not): 1. Are you Dumper or Dumpee in this relationship, was it maybe more complicated than that, or did you both agree it was better to part? 2. how long was the a.) relationship before breakup b.) break c.) time of NC d.) relationship after getting back together (if applicaple) 3. Who initiated contact after NC (Dumper or Dumpee) (answer no matter whether you are friends now or got back together) 4. If applicable: Who initiated getting back together? (Dumper or Dumpee) 5. If not back together: are you friends now (rate friendship on a scale from 1 for "we kind of still talk" to 10 "Best friend" 6. Do you think getting back was/ would have been a good idea? 7. Reason for breakup given by the dumper (check one or more) a)Love died b.)Too much fighting c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) d.)Distance (physical) e.)Cheating (as in sex) f.)Affair (as in love for another plus sex) g.)Emotional Cheating (as in love for another) h.)Wants to see what else is "out there" i.) sudden insecurity about own personality "being lost" j.) different friends group or different setting, where partner doesn't fit in anymore k.) family pressure against the relationship l.) friend's pressure against the relationship m.) too young for serious relationship n.) other: (please specify short) 8. Real reasons (make a guess if you are not the dumper) a)Love died b.)Too much fighting c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) d.)Distance (physical) e.)Cheating (as in sex) f.)Affair (as in love for another plus sex) g.)Emotional Cheating (as in love for another) h.)Wants to see what else is "out there" i.) sudden insecurity about own personality "being lost" j.) different friends group or different setting, where partner doesn't fit in anymore k.) family pressure against the relationship l.) friend's pressure against the relationship m.) too young for serious relationship n.) other: (please specify short) 9: Rate this relationship according to importance for your life in retrospect from 1 "just a crush, now that i think about it" to 10 "This was the one" 10: Rate you feelings about this relationship now from 1-10, 1 being " I am completely unsathisfied with this relationship, it leaves a bad taste" to 10 "something real good came out of this for me" 11. Comments: Crucial things we need to know about this relationship EDIT: 12: If applicable: What was the reason for getting back together on your side a.) Love b.) Hurt feelings c.) Problems had solved d.) Trust that problems could be solved e.) missing the partner f.) realizing the partner was the one g.) didn't manage to find someone better h.) friends told me to i.) other Here is the old post The more answers, the more significant the results, lets find out the patterns of getting back together!!! Science is a beautiful thing to hold on to... Please take the time to answer, I think this could get interesting, I will put the effort of analyzig the data... If you don't feel comfortable about posting the results here, just PM me, I will include your data, but won't publish your individual results... I will answer first... i hope its not too complicated. Thanks Mona

Hey Ice, you are up early.... I am going trough all this too, so I don't have ultimate wisdom, but I found some answers that make me the peacful individual for now...For example: This comes from my mom, wise woman. I was complaining a lot that my Ex has changes so much and is such a different person right now (e.g. he cared lots and when he hadn't heard from me he would call and check on me all the time, in such a loving way, he would adore me and be the perfect respectful guy... today he is a drunk and when i call him crying he tells me he doesn't care) So i started thinking that it would be so easy if he would only realize we are good for each other and take it from there, why can't he? My mom says: looking at millions of different people in the world and the different things they do, we might believe that there are so many options of handling things. But its a trick. Not everybody can choose from all these options. In fact, people are rather limited in their choices of how to handle situations from past experiences, their personality, who they are basically. So while it looks like we all can do and act how we want, this is not true. most often we have no choice, we feel trapped. I am sure your ex feels the same, and while she feels she has to do what she is doing she gets angry a.) for feeling trapped, and b) for others telling her she could do it differently. if you say baby, its easy, come back we figure it out, you don't do her justice. She wouldn't have taken the step to leave you if she had known how to stay around. if you say it is so easy, she will feel like an idiot for not being able to despite.. So let her know its OK, perfectly valid. Stop pushing, by that you don't acknowledge her trouble. Its the same for me when people tell me " Mona, its over, he said it and you knw he means it. So move on" and at the same time i know all this, but i can't move on. Despite the fact that I know all this. And it makes me feel even smaller, that i even want to move on but still can't. i feel i have no control and I am trapped. I don't know about you, but I can relate to her... If its going to happen at the end of the summer, then not because you scheduled it for then. Its not abpout agreements at this point. She doesn't owe you to think about it even. She broke it off, she said she won't come back. it is legitimate! Even if you can't understand her reasons at all. You need to get out of this position. It is disrespectful for yourself. I know it is close to impossible. But you need to detach and not make an idiot out of yourself in front of her. Stop asking her, stop talking, in the end actions will decide, not words. Don't pressure her into saying stuff like this. its bad for you to hear it, and she will probably hate herself for saying it. I am sure it wasn't. And i am sure you both did all you could at the time. Thats also one by my mom. Stop thinking about what you/she could have done differently. Be sure that at the time, you did what you did, and it was at the time what you could do. it's ok. if that wasn't enough, you will grow and be better next time. She says this, she sais that.... I get the feeling she doesn't really know either. And thats ok. I am pretty confused right now, and the range of my thoughts is huge. one second this, one second the other. German Saying: Don't set your sail when the sea is stormy. Right now its madness, so don't try to get lasting agreements, or messages. Be not only prepared to her saying no, prepare to say no. End of the summer is still a while in the future. You should aslo keep an open mind. Maybe about the possibility of YOU being fine without her then. I know it sounds sick to you now, and you don't want to hear it, cause this relationship was so special to you, and all that. But you sound like a special guy. Maybe you are even bigger than this love. Don't call her unfair, maybe she needs this end of summer thing for herself, it is a lot of pain to break away from you, maybe she needs to tell herself that there is this opion, so she can bear it. Maybe she truly believes it. End of summer, ok, why don't you take care of yourself till then. Nothing is going to happen before that anyway. Maybe you don't even want that anymore then... You call her on the things she is troubled with right now. she doesn't want to deal with this, obviously, she broke up with you, so she didn't have to deal with it... Leave her alone, give her a chance to figure it out on her own. Its great what you are doing. i know it feels wrong. And i know its appaling that one person can have so much power over us. But consider that this is not only her power affecting you, you are part of this energy too. It probably not only hurting cause you love her, but also because you WANT to love her. You are clinging on to the idea of love as much as you are clinging on to her. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am pretty sure you are an amazing guy, sad to hear you are down. She does, I am sure. Anything else is unlikely. If she is the one, she will come back. Regardless. Rely on that, and don't wait for it. I am sure you are right. ja, you will see what the future brings anyway... I don't believe in god as in one that pulls the strings, i believe in a communal plan, complexity and interdependencies, and its too complex to figure it out. By trying we only waste energy. Something good will happen, I am sure. I sometimes get angry at myslef for being so unable to do what i want and what is logical, but i am also proud i can have such strong feelings... it gives me hope. HUG! Mona

Hi Ice I am sorry, it didn't go like you expected it. I have tried to imagine what it would be like to go out with my Ex (even though we are not anywhere close to that), and I have several horror scenarios. Your evening sounds like one. On the other hand, it really is understandable. Things have to go slow now. And this was slow. What bugs me, is that she has become so trashy and childish. If this would have been a date with a girl you had just met, and she would tell you those things, and show hardly any interest in you (e.g. hold your hand, send looks, elctricity in the air when the skin of your arms touches) what would you think? I would think, wow, she is trashy, lost, not a girl to have anything serious with..., plus: she doesn't seem to be crazy about me. Of course this situation is somewhat different, you have shared a lot of intimacy before and you KNOW what is behind this behaviour. But you wouldn't give this kind of credit to someone you had just met. The past "HER" was great, I am sure, and this past girl meant a lot to you. But if you try to see her for what she is right now, she is just not that attractive as a possible future girlfriend. I know its not that easy, its simplifying things and maybe even leaving out important determinants, but in the end those determinants can't be figured out, so sticking to this simplified info is all that you have. I am really sorry about this. I think you should give her time to become herself again (I think she isn't right now... maybe thats part of her, but this trashy side gets way too much priority, its out of proporation). The new "Her" will be different than the old one, but maybe you like it just as much or more. If you love a person that much, you need to trust in their progress. And if her progress includes you, even better. Trust her that she does this right, even if her methods seem strange right now. If she is the woman you know and love, she will manage this just fine eventually. It is not that now everything is failed, It was just a little early for you to meet up i guess. She is nowhere near finding herself, and as sad as it is, you can't help her. She needs to do this by herself, and probably she will lose you in the process, but not necessarily... If she is your girl, and you are still convinced of that, then a month, or even a year, is nothing compared to a lifetime. If you are really that important to each other, you fill find each other again. And nothing that happens now, in this weird phase since breakup will change it, it can only prolong it. Have faith that she will get out of this without you, have faith that this is what she needs right now. she has no other possibilities it seems. And you owe her to grant her this time of being trashy and wild, and take care of yourself while she is gone. I wish i could say anything that makes sense right now, or make you feel better. I am really sorry... Mona

After crying my eyes out till yesterday, today on day 11 NC (10 weeks after first considering breakup, 4 weeks after seeing him last and 3 weeks after him telling me this is no break, this is a break up) I woke up and was ok. Not great or anything, but ok. No tears. I couldn't even cry if i wanted to. I ate! Laughed even. So I sat down applying for jobs praising myself to the fullest (hadn't been able to do that since today, i just felt * * * * and couldn't get there). And so I sit there, he comes to my mind, I SMILE (!). I was goooood. No 15 minutes later he pops um on IM. my heart starts racing, I think I am going to die. How does he do it i wonder, he is blocked. So he asks me about my stuff thats still with him. I don't answer. He tells me he that he is very busy. i don't answer. He complains about exams. I don't answer. He sais he is tired and stressed. I don't answer. for 5 minutes nothing happens. I don't answer, I can't close the window.... Then he says: Fine I throw your stuff out on the strets then. I DO ANSWER! We are talking about my hifi system!!! and my credit card....and some underwear. So I say: Sorry, I have been away. My stuff is being taken care of, a friend will get it, it had been arranged.... (He had asked me before what happens with the stuff and he knows that i arranged for a solution later this month...I thought he might like my stereo for a while, he uses it a lot, so not urgent...) His answer: Thanks I logged off finally Here are the feelings racing through my head in chronological order: God, I love him so much But for what? he has anger issues he can't deal with NC for 11 days he is so weak he told me goodbye and now he needs me he thinks his schoolstress is my fault He hasn't learned anything Two people love each other dearly and they can't even have a conversation? This man is someone I don't know I wouldn't want this man in my life What a jerk And how easily he is manipulated.... I lost interest WOW, and then i was happy for a while I was still ok. Didn't think of him in a while. And then i was shocked about my own coldness. The minute he gave in, I felt like I won and now i can close the chapter. What a cold hearted, selfish person I am. It is as if i never had feelings to begin with... But as hard as i try, looking at pictures, looking at his text messages... nothing works. it just stopped. Was i just trying to get him back to reverse my defeat? did i ever love this man? Am I cold hearted ans sick? or is this just a phase? Part of me hopes I am truly not affected anymore, cause i can function again, but a bigger part of me wants to believe that I am not that cold and calculating... This is so unexpected! Its not like he confessed his love for me, but I feel I have won (which is sick in itself and tells me I have been playing a GAME, which i didn't intend) Thoughts anybody? Similar experiences? Please? Mona

Three possibilities for your absense... 1. You are happily back together 2. You have moved on so much that you don't even want to post anymore 3. You are taking NC to another level and just include everybody.... Trying to be funny... Hope you are ok Mona

I am as confused about all the other questions as you... but the african swallow thing is also unclear this is all I found link removed I am sorry about the mess you are in. She might just need time, but as long as you are around, she is under no pressure to make a decision. I wouldn't if I were here, she is in a very comfortable position. Mona

Hi Leigh... I can feel this is going to be a long one, hope you don't get bored How can that be right if it sounds so wrong.... day 11 for me...Hell! I am really convinced this NC is good for healing, maybe, but for reconciling i think its poison. It might have the effect on D that he finds out he really loves you maybe, but could you ever forgive him the pain? Not being there when you were down? Kicking you out for his piece of mind? Ahhh, really the lack of options is annoying. I am a person that likes to be in control, and this is out of control! I think you are overthinking things. me too. I go back to old chat conversations and try to read into small words and things he said and all. and depending on my mood i get different results. I guess we are suffering from the difference between emotion and logic, but analyzing his words won't bridge this gap. I give you exactly what i would think at different times of the day... Red is what i would think in the afternoon, when I am mostly angry, green what would be my morning-take on it - when i am romantic and crying and believe in love , and blue what i would thing at night, when i am over-rational and giving up The idiot should have told you that if he would care for you a little He regrets his decision and wants you to come back, he thinks his appartment is empty without you and he misses you he is feeling guilty, still likes you as a friend and hates to see that you are suffering SO he dumps you out of the appartment and now he doesn't even want to take responsibility for his action and tries to look good in front of your relatives, he could have told you this... How much is a local phonecall in the states? He sees his mistake of throwing you out and now he wants to make it good again, he is just to proud to say it He is sorry things worked out so bad for you and he still cares, he would have taken you in generously as a friend, you can*t be together, but he is still a hero and generous poor guy was angry at you being sad, how crazy is that? does he have a clue how angry you are? He kicked you out, took your home and your love, how angry are you??? You hurt him big time with your anger, he loves you and he can't take this now, after you have suggested a break, on top you demand he answers all your IM contact immediately, he is so crushed He wants to be your friend and be there, he is frustrated that contact between you is now so complicated Which took a little power from him, he could have seen you look sad once more and felt alleviated cause he is such a hero he would have loved you coming back and then he would have told you that his love is for real and asked you to come back he wanted to catch up, and have adult-feedback talk of what went wrong and then he would have been able to be friends with you Its none of his business, really, he chose to kick you out of his life he is concerned you are moving away from him, cutting ties and have your own life now, he is scared you eliminate chances of reconciling he is still interested in your life somehow, after all you have spend a lot of time together, just checking on you Sorry, but an offer is something else. I have little clue about business, but that is even too little between business partners. he is trying to make a start for conversation so you two can get closer and reconcile eventually he would like you still in your life, as a graphic designer and friend, he misses his friend and colleague You don't want that, if he is offering you that, he hasn't understood anything. That would be like me offering my Ex to participate in a threesome with my new girlfriend, or him asking me out for a bight with his drinking buddies to get wasted... he tries to get the problem solved that led to your breakup. He understood that being stressed about the work thing was the reason things got bumpy and now he wants to show you that he can take care of that. Once he has gotten this out of the way, you will be fine and can be happy ever after he wants to not break the busines contact with you, after all you did good work If he would come back it would be as clear as the fact that you want to come back... And anything else, well, why is it so important. Do you think he is sitting there, thinking what he did wrong? In my opinion, the result of the red, the angry opinion is: move on, this guy has no clue what he's missing and maybe he will one day, but you can't wait for that The result of the green and mooney opinion is: this guy loves you and doesn't have the balls to stand up for it, so move on, you can't wait for him to muster the strenght And the conclusion of the blue is: This guy wants to be friends and colleagues with you after he hurt you so much. Do you want a friend like that? Probably you have better friends around. So move on, look at all those people in this forum, they keep at your side through this hard time, listen to every new development. I am waking up in the morning, checking on your post and I think about how you feel a couple of times a day… I know I don’t know you, but you touch me, even if only because we are in similar situations or cause i happen to have much time on my hands. And that is something Probably it is all of the said at some point. he is in between all of that too. He doesn't seem to have a very clear line of thought either. But none of these currents are actually really useful. Time might make one or the other stand out, or make him realize what he really feels, but right now none of this is even worth thinking about. If he wants to see you to catch up, he will find you, he knows where you live. Really now, if you would have not been in a relationship with him, but would be interested in a realtionship with him, would you give him so much credit? If you want something you find ways. And this backdoor with the graphic design is a bad one, that raises to many bad feelings. I think he could make up something better f he really was interested. I really think it is disrespectful of him to talk to your dad. Make it clear to your dad that you don't want to hear anything anymore, it drives you crazy. I thought he has so much backbone, so much pride, i think he should muster the pride to tell you personally or not at all. I tried to take away the boredom of only my opinion by giving you the whole range of possible takes on this that is inside of me, but I am sure this is inside of you too. Sorry, only my thoughts, and you have heard them many times, maybe too many times.... I would guess that, because my thoughts on my situation are similar, and i am pretty fed up with my thoughts, they are repetitive and make logical, but not emotional sense... the old trap of logic. Your man is a man of a lot of attitude... if he can direct it against you, he can also use it to get you back. He doesn't yet, at all. I like my analogy, he slammed the dor in your face, now a slight knock can't bring you to open it again, no? He would have to open it wide. I know what you think, maybe he is waiting for you to open it again... but you did, you made it very clear that you are waiting for him to open it, and would smile at him if he did, thats all you can do without risking another door in your face. And it is good that you are not standing so close to that door again, it only makes us miserable standing in front of a closed door. I am so sorry Leigh. I am so sorry. I know how it feels, unfair and cruel and hopeless. I am crying a river. My cheek skin is peeling off cause of the salt in my tears. Nothing will change it. Not our actions, not our words, not distance or proximity, not coincidence or anything else, not being self distructive against ourselves, not analyzing what was said, not clinging on or letting go. I think what has to happen will happen, and the answers and the whole world is inside of you. Do you know that split second of truth that appears when you are meditating, that second where you think you have it all inside of you and you are everything? That feeling is the truth, it doesn't come easy and it doesn't last long, but at least there are seconds when i am perfectly fine and centered. And getting closer to that in everyday life is more important than anything, and i think we will get there... Wow, a long one...Don't think i believe everything myself i am telling you, seeing it written just makes it easier to believe for myself... I am sending you love (yes, there is still some left) and a big hug Mona

Ja, you are exactly right. My boy left because of his pride and cause he thought if he stays for the trouble he will make a fool of himself.... and i think by leaving he made a fool of himself. Cause that proves that not only can't he take care of me when I have a problem, but he can't also take care of himself and his own happiness, cause he himself is in the way. The quote from A lot like Love still applies: "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love" I know that second kind too.... they are all over me right now. Cause i am way down there.