backinlife

Update and hope for totally heartbroken: My boy and I are getting married this year. i did everything wrong during the breakup, i whined and cried, and when I stopped doing that, he started missing me so bad. We were back together after 3 horrible months and i think be both learned that this love is hard to destroy. Which is one of the reasons why we can make the decision to get married and be very confident about it. So cheer up heartbrokens, if its meant to be....

Yes it does! Problem: contact sucks even more

She would if she could i suppose... If she doesn't she might not want to, or not be sure enough. Don't tell her that. You are not playing, she is. You were clear and now its on her. She asked for stinky tennis shoes, take it for what it is. I know it feels wrong, and i know you feel that she tries to make contact to open the door. But if she wants to open the door, she needs to touch the handle, pull it down and OPEN it. Knocking is not enough for you to open it. Don't sell out. I think you did the right thing. Mona

What was I thinking??? He forwarded me a mass email the next day, also stupid, lifted me up again. But as of today I am lower than last week. Just a phase... It was nice to be ok for a couple of days, but now I am back to the same old. I really do love him, I guess, always did. I know he does too. Sometimes simple things get so complicated... I almost get angry, looking at how easy it all could be. But well, that must be life.

Are you really sure you want to give up the USMA for her? And you don't want to make it an issue for her? Tell her you applied and they rejected you anyway. And tell her you are happy, now you don't have to feel strange about not going. Tell her you really wanted to be with her, but you applied because all her talk that you shouldn't make a concession that big made you crazy. So now you are happy faith decided... Its a lie, but I think if you don't do it, its a lot of pressure for her and it will influenece the relationship.... I hope i am not mean for advocating a lie. Mona

Reasons on my side: - I cheated - How stupid can one person be? I CHEATED - I Cheated and expected him to forgive me His side - He couldn't forgive me - He was in a dificult life situation - He was lost and crushed - He was scared to put himself up for another fall - He was not ready to give up anything for me anymore ...wow, he really does have his reasons....

1. Dumper 2. a.) 16 month b.) 1 month c.) 2 weeks d.) 1 month 3. Dumper 4. Dumper 5. 2 6. No 7. b, c, h, 8. b, c,, h, l 9: 4 10.: 6 12: b,e,h 1. Dumper 2. a.) 23 months b.) -- c.) 3 years d.) -- 3. Dumpee 4. -- 5. 1 6. No 7. b, c, h, 8. a, b, d, h, 9: 5 10: 6 1. Dumpee? 2. how long was the a.) 6 months b.) c.) 1 year d.) 3. Dumpee 4. 5. 2 6. yes 7. k,l,m 8. k,l,m 9: 8 10. 7

Hey, Calgaryguy is my hero, he did it man. I read some of his posts to find out the secret to getting back together and came accross a post where he tries to find data on getting back together...And I think we should try that again and see how things look now. So please just give data on the following questions for each of your EX (doesn't matter wether you have gotten back together or not): 1. Are you Dumper or Dumpee in this relationship, was it maybe more complicated than that, or did you both agree it was better to part? 2. how long was the a.) relationship before breakup b.) break c.) time of NC d.) relationship after getting back together (if applicaple) 3. Who initiated contact after NC (Dumper or Dumpee) (answer no matter whether you are friends now or got back together) 4. If applicable: Who initiated getting back together? (Dumper or Dumpee) 5. If not back together: are you friends now (rate friendship on a scale from 1 for "we kind of still talk" to 10 "Best friend" 6. Do you think getting back was/ would have been a good idea? 7. Reason for breakup given by the dumper (check one or more) a)Love died b.)Too much fighting c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) d.)Distance (physical) e.)Cheating (as in sex) f.)Affair (as in love for another plus sex) g.)Emotional Cheating (as in love for another) h.)Wants to see what else is "out there" i.) sudden insecurity about own personality "being lost" j.) different friends group or different setting, where partner doesn't fit in anymore k.) family pressure against the relationship l.) friend's pressure against the relationship m.) too young for serious relationship n.) other: (please specify short) 8. Real reasons (make a guess if you are not the dumper) a)Love died b.)Too much fighting c.)Change in living situation (like going back to colleague, changin jobs, etc) d.)Distance (physical) e.)Cheating (as in sex) f.)Affair (as in love for another plus sex) g.)Emotional Cheating (as in love for another) h.)Wants to see what else is "out there" i.) sudden insecurity about own personality "being lost" j.) different friends group or different setting, where partner doesn't fit in anymore k.) family pressure against the relationship l.) friend's pressure against the relationship m.) too young for serious relationship n.) other: (please specify short) 9: Rate this relationship according to importance for your life in retrospect from 1 "just a crush, now that i think about it" to 10 "This was the one" 10: Rate you feelings about this relationship now from 1-10, 1 being " I am completely unsathisfied with this relationship, it leaves a bad taste" to 10 "something real good came out of this for me" 11. Comments: Crucial things we need to know about this relationship EDIT: 12: If applicable: What was the reason for getting back together on your side a.) Love b.) Hurt feelings c.) Problems had solved d.) Trust that problems could be solved e.) missing the partner f.) realizing the partner was the one g.) didn't manage to find someone better h.) friends told me to i.) other Here is the old post The more answers, the more significant the results, lets find out the patterns of getting back together!!! Science is a beautiful thing to hold on to... Please take the time to answer, I think this could get interesting, I will put the effort of analyzig the data... If you don't feel comfortable about posting the results here, just PM me, I will include your data, but won't publish your individual results... I will answer first... i hope its not too complicated. Thanks Mona

Hey Ice, you are up early.... I am going trough all this too, so I don't have ultimate wisdom, but I found some answers that make me the peacful individual for now...For example: This comes from my mom, wise woman. I was complaining a lot that my Ex has changes so much and is such a different person right now (e.g. he cared lots and when he hadn't heard from me he would call and check on me all the time, in such a loving way, he would adore me and be the perfect respectful guy... today he is a drunk and when i call him crying he tells me he doesn't care) So i started thinking that it would be so easy if he would only realize we are good for each other and take it from there, why can't he? My mom says: looking at millions of different people in the world and the different things they do, we might believe that there are so many options of handling things. But its a trick. Not everybody can choose from all these options. In fact, people are rather limited in their choices of how to handle situations from past experiences, their personality, who they are basically. So while it looks like we all can do and act how we want, this is not true. most often we have no choice, we feel trapped. I am sure your ex feels the same, and while she feels she has to do what she is doing she gets angry a.) for feeling trapped, and b) for others telling her she could do it differently. if you say baby, its easy, come back we figure it out, you don't do her justice. She wouldn't have taken the step to leave you if she had known how to stay around. if you say it is so easy, she will feel like an idiot for not being able to despite.. So let her know its OK, perfectly valid. Stop pushing, by that you don't acknowledge her trouble. Its the same for me when people tell me " Mona, its over, he said it and you knw he means it. So move on" and at the same time i know all this, but i can't move on. Despite the fact that I know all this. And it makes me feel even smaller, that i even want to move on but still can't. i feel i have no control and I am trapped. I don't know about you, but I can relate to her... If its going to happen at the end of the summer, then not because you scheduled it for then. Its not abpout agreements at this point. She doesn't owe you to think about it even. She broke it off, she said she won't come back. it is legitimate! Even if you can't understand her reasons at all. You need to get out of this position. It is disrespectful for yourself. I know it is close to impossible. But you need to detach and not make an idiot out of yourself in front of her. Stop asking her, stop talking, in the end actions will decide, not words. Don't pressure her into saying stuff like this. its bad for you to hear it, and she will probably hate herself for saying it. I am sure it wasn't. And i am sure you both did all you could at the time. Thats also one by my mom. Stop thinking about what you/she could have done differently. Be sure that at the time, you did what you did, and it was at the time what you could do. it's ok. if that wasn't enough, you will grow and be better next time. She says this, she sais that.... I get the feeling she doesn't really know either. And thats ok. I am pretty confused right now, and the range of my thoughts is huge. one second this, one second the other. German Saying: Don't set your sail when the sea is stormy. Right now its madness, so don't try to get lasting agreements, or messages. Be not only prepared to her saying no, prepare to say no. End of the summer is still a while in the future. You should aslo keep an open mind. Maybe about the possibility of YOU being fine without her then. I know it sounds sick to you now, and you don't want to hear it, cause this relationship was so special to you, and all that. But you sound like a special guy. Maybe you are even bigger than this love. Don't call her unfair, maybe she needs this end of summer thing for herself, it is a lot of pain to break away from you, maybe she needs to tell herself that there is this opion, so she can bear it. Maybe she truly believes it. End of summer, ok, why don't you take care of yourself till then. Nothing is going to happen before that anyway. Maybe you don't even want that anymore then... You call her on the things she is troubled with right now. she doesn't want to deal with this, obviously, she broke up with you, so she didn't have to deal with it... Leave her alone, give her a chance to figure it out on her own. Its great what you are doing. i know it feels wrong. And i know its appaling that one person can have so much power over us. But consider that this is not only her power affecting you, you are part of this energy too. It probably not only hurting cause you love her, but also because you WANT to love her. You are clinging on to the idea of love as much as you are clinging on to her. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am pretty sure you are an amazing guy, sad to hear you are down. She does, I am sure. Anything else is unlikely. If she is the one, she will come back. Regardless. Rely on that, and don't wait for it. I am sure you are right. ja, you will see what the future brings anyway... I don't believe in god as in one that pulls the strings, i believe in a communal plan, complexity and interdependencies, and its too complex to figure it out. By trying we only waste energy. Something good will happen, I am sure. I sometimes get angry at myslef for being so unable to do what i want and what is logical, but i am also proud i can have such strong feelings... it gives me hope. HUG! Mona

Hi Ice I am sorry, it didn't go like you expected it. I have tried to imagine what it would be like to go out with my Ex (even though we are not anywhere close to that), and I have several horror scenarios. Your evening sounds like one. On the other hand, it really is understandable. Things have to go slow now. And this was slow. What bugs me, is that she has become so trashy and childish. If this would have been a date with a girl you had just met, and she would tell you those things, and show hardly any interest in you (e.g. hold your hand, send looks, elctricity in the air when the skin of your arms touches) what would you think? I would think, wow, she is trashy, lost, not a girl to have anything serious with..., plus: she doesn't seem to be crazy about me. Of course this situation is somewhat different, you have shared a lot of intimacy before and you KNOW what is behind this behaviour. But you wouldn't give this kind of credit to someone you had just met. The past "HER" was great, I am sure, and this past girl meant a lot to you. But if you try to see her for what she is right now, she is just not that attractive as a possible future girlfriend. I know its not that easy, its simplifying things and maybe even leaving out important determinants, but in the end those determinants can't be figured out, so sticking to this simplified info is all that you have. I am really sorry about this. I think you should give her time to become herself again (I think she isn't right now... maybe thats part of her, but this trashy side gets way too much priority, its out of proporation). The new "Her" will be different than the old one, but maybe you like it just as much or more. If you love a person that much, you need to trust in their progress. And if her progress includes you, even better. Trust her that she does this right, even if her methods seem strange right now. If she is the woman you know and love, she will manage this just fine eventually. It is not that now everything is failed, It was just a little early for you to meet up i guess. She is nowhere near finding herself, and as sad as it is, you can't help her. She needs to do this by herself, and probably she will lose you in the process, but not necessarily... If she is your girl, and you are still convinced of that, then a month, or even a year, is nothing compared to a lifetime. If you are really that important to each other, you fill find each other again. And nothing that happens now, in this weird phase since breakup will change it, it can only prolong it. Have faith that she will get out of this without you, have faith that this is what she needs right now. she has no other possibilities it seems. And you owe her to grant her this time of being trashy and wild, and take care of yourself while she is gone. I wish i could say anything that makes sense right now, or make you feel better. I am really sorry... Mona

After crying my eyes out till yesterday, today on day 11 NC (10 weeks after first considering breakup, 4 weeks after seeing him last and 3 weeks after him telling me this is no break, this is a break up) I woke up and was ok. Not great or anything, but ok. No tears. I couldn't even cry if i wanted to. I ate! Laughed even. So I sat down applying for jobs praising myself to the fullest (hadn't been able to do that since today, i just felt * * * * and couldn't get there). And so I sit there, he comes to my mind, I SMILE (!). I was goooood. No 15 minutes later he pops um on IM. my heart starts racing, I think I am going to die. How does he do it i wonder, he is blocked. So he asks me about my stuff thats still with him. I don't answer. He tells me he that he is very busy. i don't answer. He complains about exams. I don't answer. He sais he is tired and stressed. I don't answer. for 5 minutes nothing happens. I don't answer, I can't close the window.... Then he says: Fine I throw your stuff out on the strets then. I DO ANSWER! We are talking about my hifi system!!! and my credit card....and some underwear. So I say: Sorry, I have been away. My stuff is being taken care of, a friend will get it, it had been arranged.... (He had asked me before what happens with the stuff and he knows that i arranged for a solution later this month...I thought he might like my stereo for a while, he uses it a lot, so not urgent...) His answer: Thanks I logged off finally Here are the feelings racing through my head in chronological order: God, I love him so much But for what? he has anger issues he can't deal with NC for 11 days he is so weak he told me goodbye and now he needs me he thinks his schoolstress is my fault He hasn't learned anything Two people love each other dearly and they can't even have a conversation? This man is someone I don't know I wouldn't want this man in my life What a jerk And how easily he is manipulated.... I lost interest WOW, and then i was happy for a while I was still ok. Didn't think of him in a while. And then i was shocked about my own coldness. The minute he gave in, I felt like I won and now i can close the chapter. What a cold hearted, selfish person I am. It is as if i never had feelings to begin with... But as hard as i try, looking at pictures, looking at his text messages... nothing works. it just stopped. Was i just trying to get him back to reverse my defeat? did i ever love this man? Am I cold hearted ans sick? or is this just a phase? Part of me hopes I am truly not affected anymore, cause i can function again, but a bigger part of me wants to believe that I am not that cold and calculating... This is so unexpected! Its not like he confessed his love for me, but I feel I have won (which is sick in itself and tells me I have been playing a GAME, which i didn't intend) Thoughts anybody? Similar experiences? Please? Mona

Three possibilities for your absense... 1. You are happily back together 2. You have moved on so much that you don't even want to post anymore 3. You are taking NC to another level and just include everybody.... Trying to be funny... Hope you are ok Mona

I am as confused about all the other questions as you... but the african swallow thing is also unclear this is all I found link removed I am sorry about the mess you are in. She might just need time, but as long as you are around, she is under no pressure to make a decision. I wouldn't if I were here, she is in a very comfortable position. Mona

Hi Leigh... I can feel this is going to be a long one, hope you don't get bored How can that be right if it sounds so wrong.... day 11 for me...Hell! I am really convinced this NC is good for healing, maybe, but for reconciling i think its poison. It might have the effect on D that he finds out he really loves you maybe, but could you ever forgive him the pain? Not being there when you were down? Kicking you out for his piece of mind? Ahhh, really the lack of options is annoying. I am a person that likes to be in control, and this is out of control! I think you are overthinking things. me too. I go back to old chat conversations and try to read into small words and things he said and all. and depending on my mood i get different results. I guess we are suffering from the difference between emotion and logic, but analyzing his words won't bridge this gap. I give you exactly what i would think at different times of the day... Red is what i would think in the afternoon, when I am mostly angry, green what would be my morning-take on it - when i am romantic and crying and believe in love , and blue what i would thing at night, when i am over-rational and giving up The idiot should have told you that if he would care for you a little He regrets his decision and wants you to come back, he thinks his appartment is empty without you and he misses you he is feeling guilty, still likes you as a friend and hates to see that you are suffering SO he dumps you out of the appartment and now he doesn't even want to take responsibility for his action and tries to look good in front of your relatives, he could have told you this... How much is a local phonecall in the states? He sees his mistake of throwing you out and now he wants to make it good again, he is just to proud to say it He is sorry things worked out so bad for you and he still cares, he would have taken you in generously as a friend, you can*t be together, but he is still a hero and generous poor guy was angry at you being sad, how crazy is that? does he have a clue how angry you are? He kicked you out, took your home and your love, how angry are you??? You hurt him big time with your anger, he loves you and he can't take this now, after you have suggested a break, on top you demand he answers all your IM contact immediately, he is so crushed He wants to be your friend and be there, he is frustrated that contact between you is now so complicated Which took a little power from him, he could have seen you look sad once more and felt alleviated cause he is such a hero he would have loved you coming back and then he would have told you that his love is for real and asked you to come back he wanted to catch up, and have adult-feedback talk of what went wrong and then he would have been able to be friends with you Its none of his business, really, he chose to kick you out of his life he is concerned you are moving away from him, cutting ties and have your own life now, he is scared you eliminate chances of reconciling he is still interested in your life somehow, after all you have spend a lot of time together, just checking on you Sorry, but an offer is something else. I have little clue about business, but that is even too little between business partners. he is trying to make a start for conversation so you two can get closer and reconcile eventually he would like you still in your life, as a graphic designer and friend, he misses his friend and colleague You don't want that, if he is offering you that, he hasn't understood anything. That would be like me offering my Ex to participate in a threesome with my new girlfriend, or him asking me out for a bight with his drinking buddies to get wasted... he tries to get the problem solved that led to your breakup. He understood that being stressed about the work thing was the reason things got bumpy and now he wants to show you that he can take care of that. Once he has gotten this out of the way, you will be fine and can be happy ever after he wants to not break the busines contact with you, after all you did good work If he would come back it would be as clear as the fact that you want to come back... And anything else, well, why is it so important. Do you think he is sitting there, thinking what he did wrong? In my opinion, the result of the red, the angry opinion is: move on, this guy has no clue what he's missing and maybe he will one day, but you can't wait for that The result of the green and mooney opinion is: this guy loves you and doesn't have the balls to stand up for it, so move on, you can't wait for him to muster the strenght And the conclusion of the blue is: This guy wants to be friends and colleagues with you after he hurt you so much. Do you want a friend like that? Probably you have better friends around. So move on, look at all those people in this forum, they keep at your side through this hard time, listen to every new development. I am waking up in the morning, checking on your post and I think about how you feel a couple of times a day… I know I don’t know you, but you touch me, even if only because we are in similar situations or cause i happen to have much time on my hands. And that is something Probably it is all of the said at some point. he is in between all of that too. He doesn't seem to have a very clear line of thought either. But none of these currents are actually really useful. Time might make one or the other stand out, or make him realize what he really feels, but right now none of this is even worth thinking about. If he wants to see you to catch up, he will find you, he knows where you live. Really now, if you would have not been in a relationship with him, but would be interested in a realtionship with him, would you give him so much credit? If you want something you find ways. And this backdoor with the graphic design is a bad one, that raises to many bad feelings. I think he could make up something better f he really was interested. I really think it is disrespectful of him to talk to your dad. Make it clear to your dad that you don't want to hear anything anymore, it drives you crazy. I thought he has so much backbone, so much pride, i think he should muster the pride to tell you personally or not at all. I tried to take away the boredom of only my opinion by giving you the whole range of possible takes on this that is inside of me, but I am sure this is inside of you too. Sorry, only my thoughts, and you have heard them many times, maybe too many times.... I would guess that, because my thoughts on my situation are similar, and i am pretty fed up with my thoughts, they are repetitive and make logical, but not emotional sense... the old trap of logic. Your man is a man of a lot of attitude... if he can direct it against you, he can also use it to get you back. He doesn't yet, at all. I like my analogy, he slammed the dor in your face, now a slight knock can't bring you to open it again, no? He would have to open it wide. I know what you think, maybe he is waiting for you to open it again... but you did, you made it very clear that you are waiting for him to open it, and would smile at him if he did, thats all you can do without risking another door in your face. And it is good that you are not standing so close to that door again, it only makes us miserable standing in front of a closed door. I am so sorry Leigh. I am so sorry. I know how it feels, unfair and cruel and hopeless. I am crying a river. My cheek skin is peeling off cause of the salt in my tears. Nothing will change it. Not our actions, not our words, not distance or proximity, not coincidence or anything else, not being self distructive against ourselves, not analyzing what was said, not clinging on or letting go. I think what has to happen will happen, and the answers and the whole world is inside of you. Do you know that split second of truth that appears when you are meditating, that second where you think you have it all inside of you and you are everything? That feeling is the truth, it doesn't come easy and it doesn't last long, but at least there are seconds when i am perfectly fine and centered. And getting closer to that in everyday life is more important than anything, and i think we will get there... Wow, a long one...Don't think i believe everything myself i am telling you, seeing it written just makes it easier to believe for myself... I am sending you love (yes, there is still some left) and a big hug Mona

Ja, you are exactly right. My boy left because of his pride and cause he thought if he stays for the trouble he will make a fool of himself.... and i think by leaving he made a fool of himself. Cause that proves that not only can't he take care of me when I have a problem, but he can't also take care of himself and his own happiness, cause he himself is in the way. The quote from A lot like Love still applies: "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love" I know that second kind too.... they are all over me right now. Cause i am way down there.

What do I need a boyfriend for if he is only around for the good times? I have friends that are better than that. They are still around, allthough they never said they would marry me. For me bearing the other one when he is weak is a big part of love. It comes with trusting. If I love someone, I trust him to be strong and will overcome weaknesses. If I run away, the message is: you will probably never get this straight. And thats a wrong message. Even if it hurts to see the other one weak, a good realtionship for me entails the acknowledgement that together you are stronger than alone... Whether i believe all this, or just would like to believe all this, I don't know. But if it is like you say, then whats this love stuff all about? WHo sais then we should couple up in pairs of two? If my friends are better than a partner, why would i not move in with them and just stop believeing in this love concept all together... Maybe it is true, but its too vain to believe. Mona

And then we do that again when a new problem pops up? I really think that either you decide to work on things, or you leave it alltogether. I mean what kind of a realtonship is it, when he decides he is going through a rough time and wants to do that alone? I would never feel secure in such a relationship. Rough things happen all the time, and most problems just come to the surface then. Like also in Blueberry's case. I mean I cannot understand the guy's reason for leaving. This can't be the real reason. This could have been worked out so easily. And still he left. i think most people leave and run from themselves. And I think if they do it once, they will do it again. They think they just figure themselves out alone and then find a new one and things will be dandy again, but they don't realize that love isn't easy to find and that it ccan also make a relationship stronger when rought times can be overcome.

But isn't it bound to happen with anyone then? I rather believe that the problems i am facing in relationships are problems that are inside of me, and I will have to deal with them at some point... I just wish my ex would be ready to adress them WITH me, not WITHOUT me, and we have similar problems, so it would make sense. Two people who really love each other should be able to work things out. I think people are too ignorant when they think they will find a new one and then the problem is solved. We usually hit the same walls again, at least I do.

NICE! I have thought about this for long, this just says it...

I understand what you are saying. I have huge problems with his reason for breaking up on a logical and on a emotional plane. Logically, 6 months are nithing compared to a lifetime. If you are going to be apart for 6 months, even though communication will be hard and even though he will make a lot of experiences you can't share, it is completely feasible to find a solution for this WITHIN a relationship. I don't see the reason for breaking up. I assume you are a reasonable person and you two could have worked out a way of dealing with that other than breaking up, if he would only have considered the possibility. On the emotional plane, breaking up seems really cruel. He is going away, leaving you behind allthough he knows you are hurting. The message is somehow, whenever things are less than perfect, I can't have you in my life... Maybe he is confused about what is an appropriate weight to put on you. Maybe he feels he can't demand from you that you wait for him. Maybe he wants to se what else life has to offer. Maybe he feels that he is doing something so new, that he needs to be alone in order to grow from it. Maybe he is isecure about whether he wants to be with you and thereforeeee has the decency to leave you.... YOu had a long relationship before that, maybe he just needs to me reminded of how much you meant to each other. And maybe that will happen. But you are 100% right, if he comes back now, nothing has changed, you would never know why he came back. Out of curiosity, out of lonelyness, out of convenience? If he finds that he loves you, not for your past, but for who you are, without all the history and the common experiences, but for who you are now, then he will make an effort. Hope you are doing ok, I am so much on the verge of dialing his number today that i have to call up friends all the time.... Day 8 NC Mona

I stick to it, its weird. You would have to be a complete moron to work for this strange biz partner again, even if its just indirectly. And if anything, "D" should have understood that part of the story at least. So there must be something else behind this in my opinion. Maybe he is just trying to check on you somehow. Or maybe he tries to get you to initiate contact. It is very strong of you not to react to that. The only reason to talk to "D" would be his invitation to do so, with a comittment to try and work things out. Anything else is just too little, as you say. I think you are incredibly strong. It is a risk, but the alternative is also risky. If you want to get back together, you need to be eye to eye with him, and that is not the case yet. Reconciling would involve a lot more than the realization he needs you as a designer. God, sometimes i get angry at the stupidity we have to put up with... I know its not that easy, but sometimes i wish it were. Ja, that must freak him out. It is confusing! It feels like he tries to explane his decision to your father, it sounds like guilt to me. And by explaning it to people, he tries to rationalize it to himself.... Does he hear himself talking? "I loved her very much and still do, I have given 150 % and lines have been crossed..." Bla bla, Everything he needs to know is there... It was not a rational decision, why does he need to rationlize it? Is he trying to make it sound nice after he decided against you, or is he himself shaky about the decision and now needs to legitimize it to himself? If he really is serious about you, and we can only hope that someday he will be, he will make an effort to get what he wants. He doesn't seem like the guy who wouldn't stand up for his wishes, so hopefully he will find that you is what he wants (maybe on his vision quest, somewhere at a windy road with lots of potholes he will understand that riding a bike on a straight, even road is not fun, its all about the serpentines and bumps, and then maybe he will think "wait a second, that's just like LIFE"...)

Hey all.... Sorry, its not directly related to your post, but indirectly. I just heard a great success story and it filled me with hope. I had a close friend in high school, she was 17 back then. She got with this guy, and they seemed made for each other. They have been together for 3 years. The university got tough for her, she met a lot of new people and he somehow went into another direction. Very bad breakup, many lines were crossed. He cried and begged, NCed her, did the friendship thing for a while... Everybody was shocked that they parted. I lost contact to her then, but today i found out that after a year she realized that he was the one, she realized that it had been bad timing back then. They are back together for 8 years now! I was so happy to hear that! Hope it cheers you up. A year sounds like an eternity now, but well.... Mona

Hi, Really sorry to hear that you are in this mess. It sounds like she really needs to figure it out on her own. She knows everything she needs to know. And from there any new input wouldn't add anything. She seems confused and needs time. If you don't push now, she might understand your value and come back. Or she has changed, then you can do nothing about it. I think you are on a good track You will be fine, and i hope soon Mona

I start thinking that his contact to your dad is somehow weird. I mean it is nice that he doesn't detach from you completely, stays in contact. That is somehow hope and it makes everything look so much more civil. And it is also nice for him that your Dad can give him advice and lend him his ear and make him feel better in those rough times. But on the other hand... he knows that every word that is said reaches you somehow. And he is sticking things to you. What does he want to tell you with that? Possibilities: He wants to tell you that there is work now, and you could have had it when you would have stuck it out. He seems to reduce your problems to the lack of work. He wants to show your dad that there is work now and you shouldn't have been histerical and left. He wants to tell you that even though he needs your input, he will look for someone else to do the job. He wants to tell your dad that you are mean and left him allthough he needs your graphic design services. Or he is just blabing away. He knows your dad knows a good graphic designer.... This borders on the land of stupidity. How does your dad feel about chitchatting with the guy that dumped his daughter, made her so miserable and has no heart to take her back and work on things with her? How does you father feel about all this? He could discuss all those issues with the woman he loves. Who understands him and is willing to listen. Who would love to be on his side for this. Why does he do that with your father? Any ideas? Is it a way for him to feel close to you? does it comfort him, or reduce his feeling of guilt? What is your guess? How can your father even give good advice, he is on your side after all....I don't get it. Do they ever discuss the relationship with each other? I mean it is a crucial part of his life right now, the whole quest for himself is conected to that, I can't imagine they leave that out, do they? And what is said then? Its somehow unnatural what they do. What are your dad's feelings aout this? doesn't he somehow feel in between? Tell me more, this is strange. mona

Isn't his lifestyle just great... Great way of showing you how ahead of the situation he really is. I am impressed! He didn't like that life anymore, right? He was happy to have you, and he wouldn't have traded you for that life. He said that for a reason. Maybe he WANTED to believe it and didn't, then good riddance, but maye he did mean that, and then its just sad for him that he doesn't remember, or can't go back to it. Mine is suddenly playing soccer... and not very well. They try things now to fill the gap. I don't think running can replace waking up next to you. And it can also not replace feeling loved. It's just a try to do something different, and running is better than drinking I guess. He certainly does it different than you. He maybe just shoves the whole topic aside and tries to ignore it for now. Its a stratgy. And since you are playing the other part, he can do that without any reservations. Have yo ever thought about the possibilty of switched roles? I thought about it. I could do what my Ex is doing right now if he would e doing what i am doing right now. If i knew he was home grieving, i could shove everything aside and go wild for some time... I think i wouldn't be so cruel doing that, and i would not risk losing him probably, but a milder version of what he is doing i would be capable of. Same here, same fear. If he would e super cool about the breakup, he could be nicer. What he is doing is unnatural. Being with someone for such a long time, and suddenly you don't talk anymore, especially since he knows you are on the floor. So if he would be ok with the situation and have no big feelings (be it anger or love, or anger at the love, or whatever) he could just be normal and polite. he isn't though. He needs to e a perfect jerk towards you. So that makes me believe that there is a lot going on inside of this guy He is trying to get you out of his system, ja, cause he is overwhelmed and going crazy. And he hates that you have the power to make him feel bad. That makes him even more angry and its all your fault. He hates that feeling, and he is tring to get rid of it.... but he can't. You are inside of him. Rock solid. Nothing that can e removed easily. And he won't be able to remove you without losing part of him. And he needs to decide how precious that part of him really is. I know the feeling. i actually do curl up then behind the open fireplace in the living room. Nobody can see me there easily, and it like i disappeared. And i feel i am not there..... Tomorrow will be better, cause it can't get worse Mona