Balbina

I met this guy off the street. Literally. It was one of those totally random stories you hear about that never actually happens. He was head-banging and singing at the top of his lungs and I was driving alongside him, laughing when I noticed he was actually gorgeous. We ended up next to one another at the lights and I initiated a conversation on his singing and ended up getting his number by the time the light turned green again. The first date we went on was relatively casual. We went for ice cream but spent hours talking about everything. It was so surreal...the conversation flowed and he kept bringing up these weird things that totally spoke to me. It was like he was talking about my life. I ended up sharing a lot with him that day and he opened up a lot to me too about his personal life. It was honestly, like fate brought us together. We're so similar in life experiences, it was scary. Anyways, after that time I went out with him another time for dinner. I felt a little awkward after my soul-bearing first encounter with him but it was fun. The third date, we ended up fooling around but no sex. After a couple of more dates and intense foreplay, we started sleeping together. Here's the thing: I'm keeping my space. He's leaving at the end of the summer to move to the states and I'm staying here for another year only as well. I only talk to him maybe once or twice a week and see him that many times as well. I don't call and he does rarely. When we see each other, it's great...but we both know he's leaving and it won't necessarily go anywhere. At first, I was okay with this, obviously. And for some weird reason, I thought it would be better to not be seriously involved with all the perks. But now...I still know he's leaving and I'm ok with that, but I expect a little more initiative from his part. I kind of think, if a guy is really into me, he should be trying a little harder to see me, etc. Now, my friend said it's probably because he knows he's leaving that he's trying to sort of keep his distance. I think it's a plausible explaination but at the same time, it bothers me. I want to be seeing someone more than once a week if we're dating. I am starting to debate the sexual aspect as well. We've only had sex about three times because we're not always alone when we go out, or in private. I know it's not all about sex for him and while it's amazing, it's not all about it for me either. But I think sex complicates things more than anything...what if I become more serious about it because of it? Plus, he doesn't get the cookies for free. I do like him but now I've sort of backed off. The last time I saw him, last Sunday, we had a blast. When he dropped me off, we said we'd keep in touch and he'd come see me during the week. I called him on Monday to say what's up - which I never really do because I'm not a phone person really. We didn't talk about meeting up, just small talk. After that, he said we'd "keep in touch" (He always says that instead of an actual set time) I was a little miffed that he did not ask to see me on a set day but didn't say anything. I didn't call him all week. He called me on Thursday to make small talk again and say he's going out with his boys. I said ok and to have fun. He didn't call me Friday or Saturday, but I received a text message from him at 1:30AM on Saturday. I didn't reply. Yesterday I sent him a text saying: "You're such a random drunk text-er" I knew he must have been drunk...and was vexed he didn't remember me earlier on. He: "What's wrong with that?" Me: "Lol, nothing. I just prefer them sober. What's up?" He: "Better a drunk text than none at all. I'm at my moms, you?" Me: "With the girls. Call me when you're done there." I thought for sure he wouldn't call but at that point didn't really care. I'm starting to get really fed up and I won't be calling him or chasing him around either. I know some guys hate it but I'm not going to put a lot of effort into it. If he calls me, I'll call him. Otherwise, I see it as he is not that interested. And if he's not...well, why waste my time? He ended up calling me last night but I missed the call... I was surprised he actually did call. He just bothers me with calling. When we're together, he's always sweet, makes these little references, etc. When we talk it's always great...I just feel like contact is key. I'm not a big phone person, but he doesn't call me half as much as I think he should. I feel like it's almost a game. He seems used to having girls chase him and I won't give in. I think that kind of pisses him off. I know what to expect because I know he is leaving but at the same time, is it wrong to expect a little something more? If you're going to get involved, why not do it right instead of half-arsed because you're afraid of something? I like to keep my space and my life intact when I'm dating someone but this is even a little hard on me. He's a great guy but I'm kind of getting fed up with the contact thing. Any imput?

Hey hun, you can hear positive things all day long and at the end of the day, you'll still be sitting in front of this screen sipping your coke. You need to make them yourself. Have you ever sat back and really assessed yourself and your life and realized what you have to be grateful for? Your talents, your virtues, your gifts, your family, girlfriend, etc? I think you need to just kind of get out of that negative funk. If you're always going to be sitting around being complacent about things, it won't change. The fact is, you seem lazy. I mean that in the nicest way possible, lol. I was where you were a few months ago. I was sort of depressed, sort of blah, didn't really care...I wanted a change, I wanted to be happy, but I found myself only feeling good when I got positive feedback (usually attention) and only feeling good for a certain amount of time before I plumeted back down. It's hard when you have a busy life to actually give yourself Me-Time and use it to it's full advantage. It's easy to get sucked further into feeling crappy. Why do you think you have low-self-esteem? What triggered you feeling bad? What could help? You want to get fit - actually go out and get that membership. A healthier lifestyle and exercise actually naturally lifts your mood. You'll feel more energized and happier and using your spare time effectively will give you a sort of sense of purpose as well. What else do you want to do? Saying and doing are two very different things. Make some plans for yourself, set some goals, make lists, say positivie affirmations to yourself everyday but most importantly, put them into action. Do something about it. Only you can change your situation. You have so much control but you just fail to realize now because the effort seems wasted - but it's not. You just need to step up to the plate, sort of suck it up and push yourself to happiness. It works - trust me. gersanos is TOTALLY on the right track. I'm currently working out and reading like crazy about things I want to learn but never had the time to. I'm starting french lessons and piano lessons in September... I have all these goals and things I want to do written down and it's so refreshing to have a plan and realize how much you actually can do when you set your mind to it.

I think you should just talk to her about it. Explain it to her. Some women really don't know why it happens and more often than not blame themselves...so while you're freaking out trying to get it up for her, and that stress further hinders you, she's thinking "It's me." Talk to her about it openly. Ask her what she thinks. Tell her it's not her. It's the same thing for girls...sometimes I just am not wet. It's nothing personal. Othertimes I'm ready for action right away but even when I'm super horny, I'm not always wet !

You might have still been coming back down off the orgasm, or my best guess was, you weren't really "done" and standing up caused another rush, I guess?

If the guy's a player and she wants to keep her distance, I think what I wrote would totally work in helping her hold her own and potentially even get him to chase her more. If she doesn't want anything to do with the guy, even better, because she maintains the routine she had before she met him by having a life and not always having the time to see him. I don't assume every guy is like that, or is going to "fall for it". I know plenty of guys who prefer a girl to be upfront and assertive. I think you can be both assertive and aloof, to an extent. As long as you show genuine interest, I don't know where you'd go wrong. Then again, I had a guy who took it the way you said too. I don't think I missed out on much though. He knew my number and he failed to plan in advance - his loss. It's not about having the guy do all the work, but it's about showing a little enthusiasm for wanting to see me and acknowleging that my time is valuable.

I agree, find a way to distance yourself. See him about 2/3 of the time he wants to see you, and the other times be "busy". Stay just slightly out of his reach...when he calls you, don't always pick up, or don't be home when he expects you to be. Let him call you. Trust me, guys love to chase...as maddening as we find it, men love to get frustrated. Keeps them on their toes. Do not talk about the "relationship". If he brings it up, change the topic. If he brings up ex'gfs or other girls, change the topic. Let him wonder where its going, but be aloof about your expectations. Yup, that will pretty much get him eating out of your palm. I don't recommend playing games, and this isn't about playing games, but rather holding your own.

Lol, I agree. I think it really depends on the situation, but if a woman in a relationship is confident of an affirmative answer and is even expecting a proposal herself, why not jump the gun? If I were head over heels, I would seriously consider it. You don't necessarily need a ring...but why not? However, I do have that romantic notion in my mind of my SO getting down on one knee at some completely random romantic moment and asking me to be his, forever. *sigh*

I agree with IceMan... I mean, how long does it take to really get to know a person? Give him a shot.

Not every relationship will be a success. Infact, every relationship will be a failure until you're in that relationship. To me, the purpose of every relationship is experience and personal growth. I was never one naive enough to believe that every guy I could date would be the be all and end all of my relationships - I realize I'm still young and have plenty of time to figure out what I want and find Mr. Right-for-me. The point is, if you don't go through these expeirences - the good, the bad, the worse - how will you ever know when you find the one that he is good for you? If you don't learn the hard way what you deserve, admire, crave in a partner, will you ever be happy or will you ever even see something good infront of you? People that go through these problem relationships over and over and cycle back to the same types of people are the ones that don't learn from their past expeirences and mistakes. It's those people that don't take the time to step back and learn a little, take time to heal and actually grow emotionally from each relationship.

I think since you are still taking it very slow, to not jump to any conclusions about the pictures. Personally, I'm a get-rid-of-the-memories kind of girl when I break up with someone. I find it easier to move on when I don't have the constant reminders. Later on, I don't mind looking at the memories but I still am not one to keep pictures up. I know from expeirence people who do keep pictures of ex's up - frames, in phones, etc. They use it as their own healing mechanism, or even just because it's been a part of their lives so long, taking them down or deleting them seems unfair. To me, it would slightly bother me if the guy I was dating still had pics of his ex, but if we were still unofficial, I would have nothing to say about it. I'm sure he'll take them down when he's ready. What matters is he's seeing you and he's with you - and there are your pictures there too!

You accidentally came accross it, but you very knowingly snooped through his other things. You knew you very invading his privacy and yet you went the extra steps to snoop some more. Confronting him about it would be a very bad idea as it would totally turn against you. I would try to seriously forget everything you read and consider dumping him - yes, snooping was bad on your part, but you've discovered things that are BIG RED FLAGS.

I think it comes from self-acceptance. Until you learn to look at yourself almost objectively and say "This is me in all my glory", you will always lack confidence. It's not about loving every aspect of yourself because we all have things we don't like about ourselves, but it's more about thinking : "Yes, there are some things I'd like to work on, but I am content with who I am right now". Don't have unrealistic expectations and always play upon your assets. Focus on what makes you you and you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much you actually love yourself. As Dako says, make friends with yourself.